Chapter 45

Nathalie looked in to Noah's soft brown eyes, unsure that she had heard him correctly. "Pardon?"

"You're pregnant" he repeated. "I ran a full panel of tests last night and you came back positive for pregnancy."

"Oh" Nathalie wasn't sure why she was so stunned. She and Nikolas had been having sex without any protection for nearly a month with a view to getting pregnant but now that it had happened she was shocked. Noah watched her carefully, unsure if she was pleased about the news or not. He knew that she loved Nikolas very much and that he loved her but sometimes love wasn't enough when it came to babies - timing was also important. Having a baby too soon in a relationship could throw it completely off track. Her hand went protectively to her stomach. "I'm pregnant?"

He nodded gently. "Should I offer congratulations?"

Blinking several times, she tried to take it all in but the pounding in her head threatened to drown out all coherent thought. "Yeah...yes - I mean, we talked about it, I just didn't think it would happen so ...." She snapped her head up. "What about the GHB?" Her voice was panicked - newly pregnant and she was already screwing it up.

He reached for her hand again. "There is no way to know for sure if there's any damage but it's not unlike taking prescription meds or drinking before you know you're pregnant."
Blowing out her cheeks, she closed her eyes and fell back against the pillow. "I think my head might explode."

"How can I help?" he asked kindly.

"Is there a remote control with a pause button?" she smiled weakly, opening her eyes. "I feel like I'm running on a treadmill and just when I get running at a good rhythm someone speeds it up and I'm left trying to play catch up."

"Then jump off the treadmill. Stay here today and rest."

"Oh, I can't do that" she said, trying to get up from the bed. The pain in her head was overwhelming and she fell back against the pillows. "I have to see Gracie..."

"No you don't - not right now at least. You spent the entire day with her yesterday - she'll be fine without you for a while." Nathalie opened her mouth to protest but Noah raised his hand. "Doctor's orders." The low ring of his cell phone interrupted any further conversation. Pulling it from his belt he looked at the number and pain flashed in his eyes. He took a deep breath before flipping it open. "Drake." There was a long silence and leaning back against the chair he clenched his eyes shut. "Brenda" he said softly. "Please talk to me." He sat and waited but the only sound on the other end of the line was a stiffled sob. "I love you" he whispered and hung up the phone. He stared at the ceiling for several minutes breathing slowly.

"How often does that happen?"

"About once a week" He continued to stare at the ceiling hoping his heart would stop beating so quickly. "She calls and then says nothing."

"She's trying to make her way back to you" Nathalie offered quietly.

Looking at her, Noah shrugged. "Maybe but I'm not sure it really matters" he dismissed.

"Of course it matters Noah - if she didn't love you she wouldn't be torturing herself like this. How does it make you feel?"

He shook his head and stood up. "Nuh-uh. You do not get to put the spotlight on me because you didn't like having it on you" he said smiling, the warmth returning to his eyes.

"It can't only be about me"

"Fine, I'll make you a deal - close your eyes, go back to sleep for a few hours and when you wake up I'll make us some lunch and I will trade you information about how I'm feeling for information about how you're feeling - deal?"

"You drive a hard bargain" she groused good naturedly.

"Deal?" he asked again.

"Fine" she sighed. "Deal."

"Good" Noah kissed her forehead. "Sleep well." Exiting the room, he pulled the door closed behind him.

********
Patrick lay on his side with his head propped up on his hand watching Robin sleep. Everything about Robin was elegant, even the way her chest rose and fell while she slept. The curve of her lips slightly parted and the way her eyes fluttered as she dreamt stole his breath. For so long he had fought against love, unwilling to even consider it a possibility as he was sure it brought nothing but heartache. It brought almost total destruction to his father and he wanted too much from life to take that risk. It wasn't until he met Robin that he realized how love could expand his life not narrow it.

"Are you watching me sleep again?" she murmured sleepily.

"No I'm watching you snore" he teased.

Prying open one eye Robin glared at him. "Hello pot, nice to meet you, I'm kettle."

Laughing, he swooped in and brushed his lips against hers. "Good morning."

Gracefully stretching Robin gave a soft moan. "Is it morning?" she asked.

"It is - I suppose though since we're in Italy I should say 'bonjourno principessa?'"

Giggling, Robin turned to her side facing her husband. "That works too."

He trailed his hand down her side, letting it come to rest on the curve of her waist. "So..."
"So" she repeated smiling.

"Do you hear that?" he asked.

Furrowing her brow she looked around the room. "Hear what?"

"No phone calls, no pagers, no crying baby, no friends needing an intervention - just...ahhh...silence."

Grinning she pressed her lips against his. "Hmmm- I like the way you think." Feeling his hips pressing against hers, Robin gasped. "Are you ever not ready to play?"

He ran his hand through her silky hair. "If it involves playing with you, I am always ready."

"Let me take my meds and we can explore just how ready you are" she kissed him quickly again before throwing back the covers and sliding from the bed. She grabbed the robe hanging on the back of the chair and wrapped it around her.

"Awww" Patrick whined.

"What?" she asked, looking up from her purse where she pulled out her med bag.

"You covered up."

"I'm cold"

"So are you saying if I'm with you, you won't be cold?"

Smiling seductively she stood up and dropped her robe. "Shall we test your theory?"

Biting his lip, he bounded from the bed and coming up behind her wrapped his arms around her. "Warmer?" he purred against her skin, his erection nestled against her.

"Getting there" she whispered. Walking together, they made their way to the bathroom. Reaching for one of the glasses, Robin filled it with water while Patrick, still pressed against her, pulled her meds from her back. He nuzzled her neck, sucking softly on her skin. "Mmm" she moaned reveling in the skin on skin feeling. Trailing his hands along her torso her muscles twitched in response and he smiled against her skin as he kissed her shoulders.

"Have I mentioned I love your body?"

"Once or twice" Robin smiled between pills. She shivered as he worked his hands up her soft skin tracing them over her round breasts. Her breathing shortened as she pressed back against him while his tongue made small circles just underneath her ear. Robin bucked as he tugged gently on her sensitive nipples. She was so lost in his touch that she forgot what she was doing and the glass in her hand slipped and crashed in to the marble sink. They both jumped back as it shattered. "Fuck" Robin swore banging her hand on the counter.

"I'm sorry baby. Did you drop any pills?"

"No" she said, pulling away from him. Unthinkingly, Robin began to pick up the pieces of glass from the sink. "Shit" she said as she felt a shard pierce her skin.

"What is it?" he asked reaching for her hand.

Robin moved out of his reach. "Don't touch me Patrick" she said as panic framed her voice.

"It's okay Robi-"

"Get out! Just get out of the bathroom!" She continued to move away from him.

"Rob-" he started taking a step towards her.

"I SAID GET OUT!" she yelled. Blinking in shock, Patrick backed out the bathroom and flinched as she kicked the door shut. Stunned, he reached for his robe and pulled it on before sinking on to the end of the bed.

Alone in the bathroom Robin let out several unsteady breaths while leaning against the counter. Turning on the tap, she ran her hand under the cold water and watched as her blood, the symbol of her disease, washed down the sink. Inspecting the small wound she reached for her bag and pulled out anti-bacterial ointment along with a bandaid. She had completely overreacted with Patrick but the minute she had seen the blood she had been gripped by panic. She sighed and sheepishly opened the door. Patrick was sitting on the bed fidgeting with the ties of his robe. He looked at her as the door opened. "I'm sorry" she said quietly.
Stretching out his arm, he motioned for her to come to him. Robin closed the distance between them and sat on his lap. Closing his arm around her, he pressed his lips against her cheek. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

She nodded. "I didn't mean to yell." Exhaling slowly she linked her fingers through his. "You know what's amazing about you?"

"I'm devastatingly handsome?" he offered.

"I meant besides that" she smiled shyly. "You make me forget I have HIV." Patrick tilted his head and looked at her. "I know it sounds kind of stupid because I have my protocol every day and we still have to take precautions when we make love but whereas it used to dominate my thoughts, I almost never think of it now. I have a husband and a child - two things I never thought I would ever have - and I feel so normal. That's quite a gift you've given me" she said quietly as her soft brown eyes filled with tears.

"But cutting yourself..."

"It was like a slap in the face" she finished his sentence. "You were standing so close to me and all I could think of was...." Robin's cheeks become splotched in red and her eyes overflowed with tears.

Reaching up with his hand he brushed the tears away. "All you could think of was Lulu."

Nodding, she rested her head on his shoulder. "I have already infected another person - I have brought all of this in to the life of a person who is very important to me - I don't know what I would do if I ever infected you. It would be more than I could handle."

"We've not really talked about Lulu" he said as she stroked her hair.

"I don't know what to say. I try to rationalize it but that doesn't really work because it's not a rational thing. If I spend too much time thinking about it I feel like my heart might just shatter."

"Oh baby" he murmured against her hair. "I'm sorry."

Swallowing thickly Robin moved in closer to him. "It's not fair - I got my life and I got my son and what did she get? A disease that steals innocence and years...Patrick" She buried her head in to his shoulder and cried quietly as he held her. He knew that she was right, there was little to say about Lulu - he had spent months trying to make sense of it, how an act of heroism on her part could be repayed by being infected with HIV, but he had been unable to do so. He knew in minute detail the workings of the human brain but was clueless when it came to the workings of the universe. Having let go of the tension in her body, Robin raised her head and wiped her hands over her face. "So much for our romantic morning."

He kissed her softly on the lips. "Being with you is all I need Robin - whether it's talking, making love or just holding your hand" he said, sliding his in to hers, "everything I could ever want is right here."

*******
Nathalie opened the door from Noah's bedroom and was surprised at how quiet the apartment was. Walking in to the living room she stopped as she saw him stretched out on the couch, his long legs threatening to spill over the end. He was wearing a well broken in pair of jeans and a fitted white t-shirt, his glasses were in his hand perched on his chest. Rian was playing with his toys in the playpen next to the couch. She smiled and blew a kiss to the young baby. Tiptoeing to the dining table where her purse was, she pulled out a piece of paper and pen and scribbled him a note of thanks. Pulling her coat from the back of the chair she shuddered imagining the state she must have been in when Noah brought her back her from the hospital. Slipping on her shoes, she reached for the door, turning the lock.

"Running out?"

Grimacing, she turned around. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't, I was dozing" he said sitting up. Putting his glasses on, he turned immediately to look at his grandson. Reassured that he was fine, he turned his attention back to Nathalie. "You were really trying to sneak out weren't you?"

"I, uh, left you a note?" she offered.

"Nice" he smiled. Standing up from the couch, he walked towards the kitchen. "Take your coat off, I promised you lunch."

"Noah, really, I'm fine - I've imposed on you long enough."

Sticking his head out from the kitchen he looked at her seriously. "Don't think I'm just being kind -you were incredibly sick last night and there is no way the GHB has completely left your system. Given that Patrick and Nikolas are both away right now I'd like to keep an eye on you for just a while longer."

She thought of just leaving anyways but realized the prospect of an empty Wyndermere was unappealing. "Okay" she said as she shrugged off her coat. Walking in to the kitchen, she leaned against the counter. "What can I do to help?"

"Drink this" he said passing her a glass of orange juice.

"You're pretty bossy you know" she teased .

"Coming from you that's rich" he smiled. "I've seen you in action Atilla. How are you feeling?"

"Physically or emotionally?"

"Both" He pulled out a chair for her at the kitchen table and sat across from her.

"I feel like I've been hit by a truck on both counts."

"The baby?" he prodded gently.

"I...uh...I" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I thought I would be happier" she said quietly.

"I'm sure you will in time."

"I know it's the beginning of something but it feels like the end of so many things."

"Like?"

She shook her head. "It's stupid."

"Try me" he offered. "Nat, you forget, I'm a drunk - stupid is all relative to me."

"You are not a drunk Noah - even when you were drinking you were not a drunk. You are an alcoholic but not a drunk - you were tortured by memories and in pain."

Settling back in to his chair he smirked. "Do you know why you recognize that so well in me?" She shook her head. "Because you see yourself in it."

"What? No...."

He held up his hand. "Nathalie - you and I always seem to find each other in the hard moments because we have lived a lot of the same experiences - now tell me why the pregancy feels like the end of so many things"

"Because it means that my life with Drew is really over." Nathalie covered her mouth in surprise as the words left her mouth. "It's not like I'm expecting him to come back but...."

"But it means you're moving on and as great as that can be letting go is terrifying." She nodded. "Are you still angry with him?"

She gave him a wry smile. "Oh Noah, I wish it was just him I was angry with him - I'm angry with almost everyone and everything - my parents, their lawyer, the judge, god, cancer, I'm even angry with Nik at times - how insane is that?"

"Why are you angry with him?"

Her eyes filled with tears as she was finally saying out loud so many of the things she had held deeply inside. "Because he loves me" she whispered.

Noah closed his eyes briefly, knowing the answer before he asked the question. "Why?"

"I don't think I deserve him" She wiped at her face. "Of course the irony there is that I asked him to marry me."

Noah looked at her in shock. "You did?" She nodded, slightly embarrassed. "Good for you" he encouraged.

"We'll see" she said flatly.

"He loves you..."

"So did Drew and it wasn't enough - it wasn't nearly enough." Nathalie blew out her cheeks. "I'm done for now - it's your turn."

"Just like that?" Noah laughed lightly.
"Just like that- let's talk about Brenda."

"I have loved two women in my life - my wife and now Brenda and I have lost them both."

"Brenda isn't lost Noah" Nathalie said quietly. "You know where she is and she wants to come back to you."

"I can't do it." He swirled the remnants of the juice around in his glass. He thought with time it would be easier but he was still unable to go more than a few hours without thinking about her. He missed having her body next to him in bed and he missed the taste of her skin but most of all he missed how alive he felt when she was around him.

"Why not?"

"I'm not very strong Nathalie - I'm really not. If I went there and she rejected me I would climb so far inside a bottle that no one would be able to get me out."

She nodded knowingly. "Maybe she'll come back to you."

"I still hope that but realistically I don't see that happening."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course"

"Do you still miss Mattie?" Noah sucked in a breath and nodded quickly. "Has it ever stopped hurting?"

"No" he whispered. "Not for one minute of one day but the pain is familiar now. She and Patrick were my life. I loved my career but if she had ever asked me to walk away from it I would have - I would have done anything, given anything for her."

"A great love"

"The greatest" he said dabbing at his eyes. "because together we made Patrick."

********

With a slightly trembling hand Bruce flipped open his phone.

"You fool" came the familiar clipped voice. "How could you make such a mistake?"

"She won't remember me" he said defensively.

"No but that petty criminal of a barman will - you will give that bar a wide berth from now on."

"So now what madame?"

"Well since you've screwed up so badly and it looks like we won't be able to end my grandson's inappropriate relationship by showing him evidence of her cheating we are going to accelerate the other plan."

"But the safe house still needs more work" he protested.

"Then I guess you better get busy - I want her gone in the next month and your future with Robin Scorpio is tied to accomplishing that task so I suggest you get moving."