Chapter 2: Remus and the Dream
When I opened the door to the Prefect Compartment, I was relieved to find that I was not the last one to get there. A quick glance around the car showed me that three Slytherins, two Ravenclaws, two Gryffindors, and a Hufflepuff were all still missing. I sat in my place next to Remus, who as usual had his nose in a book.
"Hello, Lily," he said, folding down the corner of a page and stuffing the book into his pocket. "Pleasant holiday?"
"Very pleasant." I said, avoiding his eyes. "And yours?"
Remus sighed. "What did the idiot do this time?"
"Excuse me?"
"James. I asked you what he did to you to make you so cross."
I frowned. "Why do you think that Potter made me cross?"
"Because every time he does something to annoy you you talk to me like I'm not your friend."
"Well, you're not." I pointed out.
"Ouch. Way to put it gently."
"I'm sorry Remus, I- I didn't mean that!" I looked at him as the door opened, letting in the missing Hufflepuff and Ravenclaws.
Remus shrugged. "No, I know what you mean. We're more like... acquaintances." He smiled at me. "I can see how it would be hard for you to be friends with a friend of James."
"How do you mean?" I quickly said. I instantly regretted it because I thought I saw a look of comprehension in his grey eyes. However, I never got an answer because at that moment the missing Slytherins and Gryffindors burst through the door, arguing about something unintelligible. The only words I heard were "Stupid" "Arse-hole" and "Shove your head"
"Hey, you, sit down and be quiet!" A voice rang out. Everyone turned to see the new Head Girl standing up, motioning to the Head Boy beside her to do likewise. When he timidly rose, the girl glared at everyone around the room, as if she was daring them to interrupt her.
"Now," she began, smoothing the front of her skirt. "My name, for those of you who don't know me, is Hermita Clump. I am a Ravenclaw and your new Head Girl. This," she patted the shoulder of the boy beside her, who gave a weak sort of grin, "Is Prometheus Cage, the Hufflepuff who's your new Head Boy." She smiled at everyone as if she were expecting a round of applause.
Prometheus looked at us and said "Well, it's very nice to meet all of-"
"Anyway, now that introductions have been made," Hermita went on while a weary-looking Prometheus rolled his eyes. "We must continue on with our meeting." Her tone suddenly became business-like and she stood up a bit straighter. "In the past, the Society of Prefects, that's us, has worked-"
I stopped listening to her. I couldn't concentrate. My mind was in a frenzy, wondering whether Remus had guessed that I thought his mate's bum was fit. If he knew, as I suspected that he did, surely he wouldn't tell James. Or would he? With Remus, one second he was the perfect student, earning Gryffindor points for his knowledge on fighting Boggarts, and the next he was in detention for putting itching powder in the Slytherin's Quidditch robes. I didn't know if I could trust someone that unstable.
Hermita talked for about an hour. When she finally finished, we were instructed to patrol the corridors of the train for a bit before we were allowed to go back to our compartments. After an hour and a half of patrolling with Remus, which was grueling in itself because he kept smiling at me like he knew something I didn't, I was allowed to return to my compartment. When I opened the door, I found that Ariel and Macy had joined Alice and Frank.
"Lily, what's up?" Macy asked as I sat down next to Ariel.
"Stupidness. Stupid bloody stupidness."
Macy and Ariel exchanged a look of worry, as if they feared for my sanity. Alice just glared at me.
"What's stupid, Lily?" Ariel asked.
"The world, that's what." I glared right back at Alice.
"Er, well, alright." Ariel nervously said.
"Did the food trolley come by?" I asked no one in particular.
"Yeah," Macy said. "But I got you a pumpkin juice and some other things." She threw a bottle and a few packages of sweets into my lap. "Lily, please talk to us."
I looked at Alice, who was still glaring at me, obviously still angry that I had left her hanging earlier. "Er-"
"Lily is just upset about seeing Severus, aren't you, Lily?" Alice said, still glaring at me.
"Wha- Oh, um, yeah. Sorry." I pretended to cough. "Um, yeah, I saw him on the train today and it reminded me of June and I just got upset." I took a long drink of the pumpkin juice before opening a Chocolate Cauldron.
Ariel looked at me sadly, while Macy looked annoyed. This was because while Macy hated Sev, Ariel actually believed, like I did, that he had goodness in him.
"Oh, Lily I know you fancied him, but believe me, it's really for your own good." Macy snorted.
"Don't listen to her, Lily." Ariel said without looking up from her magazine, "She's just bitter."
"Excuse me?" Macy shrilled, "Bitter?"
"You're just angry that Snuffles still hasn't asked you out."
"Am not!"
"Whatever you say."
"You-"
"Oi! You two, shut it, some of us are trying to sleep here!" Frank said without opening his eyes, his head on Alice's lap.
Macy and Ariel gave him two dirty looks that he couldn't see before slumping back into their seats. I rolled my eyes and looked at Alice. Thanks. I mouthed to her. I owe you one.
Damn straight! she mouthed back.
"Well, I'm gonna pull a Frank and take a nap." I yawned. "Wake me when we get there, will you?"
"Sweet dreams." Alice sang. It took all of my self control, but I ignored her.
In my dream all I could see was swirling color, like I was taking a Portkey. I could hear two voices all around me. One belonged to Severus Snape; The other was my own.
"Mudblood." The word rang out, harsh and full of hate. I'd never heard Severus make a sound like that, not even to Potter. "Mudblood." Over and over the voice rang out in that same harsh cry. Then I heard my voice.
"I can't pretend anymore!" It echoed all around as if I was in some great cavern at the center of the earth. "Save your breath!"
"I'm sorry!" his voice rang out again, except the tone had changed. It was full of anguish and desperation. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
"You've chosen your way, and I've chosen mine!"
The dream changed.
I was standing in the Gryffindor common room. It seemed to be completely empty, and I had just come through the portrait hole on the verge of tears. I knew instantly what would happen; I had had this dream many times before; it had haunted me all summer.
"What did you say to him, Evans?" James Potter asked me, suddenly blocking my way to the girl's dormitories.
"That's none of your damn business, Potter."
I made to push past him, but he grabbed my arm.
"You forgave him, then, for treating you like that?"
"He's my friend!"
James snorted. "Huh. I never knew it was alright for someone to call their friend a 'Mudblood'. How interesting."
"He wouldn't have had to if you hadn't provoked him!" I screamed, fighting to keep the tears in.
"So it's my fault that Snivellus called you that. Okay, yeah that makes total sense! I can't believe you're actually defending him!"
"I'm not defending his actions, I'm just explaining them! If you hadn't embarrassed him like that he wouldn't have lost control!"
"So you're still friends with that tosser? Unbelievable, Evans, even for you-"
I turned away from him as hot tears slid down my cheeks. "No, for your information we're not friends anymore!" My voice broke, and sobs shook my body. I turned to look back at James so that he could see his handiwork. "So I'll thank you for reminding me how I just lost one of my best friends today!"
James moved closer to me as I cried harder than I ever had in my life. He put his hand on my shoulder, and when I didn't slap it away he held me as I sobbed against his chest. I would have yelled at him, or even slapped him, but I was too weak, too stuck in my own misery to fight him off. It felt like I was sinking into a bottomless pit of quagmire, and there was no point in fighting anymore. There was no point to anything. I had no energy for anything. Severus, my world, my shining star, was gone.
"I'm sorry, Lily, I am." He whispered into my hair as he stroked my back soothingly. "I didn't know... how close you were. I'm sorry, Lils... I'll make it right."
And that was the first time that James Potter called me by my name.