Chapter Six: Conversations About Conversations
After my... chat with Severus I went to the common room, intending to hang out there during my second free period. I had figured that Alice and the gang would also be there, considering that none of them were taking Arithmancy so they would also have that period free. As I had predicted, Alice, Ariel and Macy were sitting in a cluster of comfy armchairs; Frank was talking Quidditch with Diego in front of the fireplace; none the Marauders were anywhere to be seen.
"Buggering hell!" Macy exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air, "I can't deal with this! Why in the name of my sodding Uncle Cobus did Flitwick have to give us such an awful essay for the first day? Can anybody tell me that?"
"Way to insult your own family, Mace," Alice said, looking up from her textbook. "I think you've officially frightened Lily for the day."
"No one in my family likes him, anyway" she argued. "He's a drunk and a duffer. And besides, you've never had to drag him out of your bed after he's passed out from too much eggnog on Christmas." She capped her ink bottle and threw it unceremoniously into the bag at her feet, her quill and rolled-up essay following it.
"Sit down, Lily, you've just gotten back?" Ariel asked me, patting the cushion next to her on the couch. I sat on it, my legs crossed Indian-style and by back against the arm.
"Why did you run off like that after Charms?" Alice asked.
"I just decided to have a little chat with Sev-"
"Oh, here we go again!" Macy rolled her eyes.
"-erus. What's your problem, Mace?"
She looked at the ceiling as if asking for divine help. "Lily, are you forgetting last year? Are you forgetting how much grief that sea slug caused you? And you want to talk to him? I don't understand it. It's completely barmy!"
"It's not like I was snogging him or anything!"I said defensively. Alice threw her textbook onto the floor, not bothering to close it. The book hit the floor spine-first, its pages flapping out like some kind of strange bird flying against the worn, red and gold carpet. She looked at Macy, who's eyebrows were raised in defiance.
Alice closed her eyes and slowly exhaled. "There's no point in arguing about it, Macy. And anyway, she's not going to talk to him again." She opened her eyes and gave me a dangerous look. "Right, Lily?"
"Er... Well, actually I said I'd..." I gulped and looked to Ariel for support. She glanced at me and gave a nervous chuckle.
"We c-can't really tell Lily who she can-is allowed-er... see?" Ariel stuttered dispiritedly. She gave me a wan smile before becoming very interested in Alice's fallen textbook.
"What did you say to him, Lily?" Macy demanded. "You didn't forgive the son of a-"
"Of course not!" I exclaimed loudly, making Frank and Diego jump by the grate. Diego was so badly startled that the edge of his robes fell into the fire.
"I'm just going to talk to him after dinner, that's all!" I insisted as Pandora Cage, a seventh-year girl on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, put out Diego's flaming sleeve with a spout of water from her wand.
"About what, exactly?" Alice asked. Her eyes had narrowed into small, brown slits and she looked like she could literally kill me if she wanted to.
I rolled my eyes, biting my cheek and looking over to where Diego was thanking Pandora over and over in Spanish.
"Well?"
"I was going to tell him that this year I'm starting over, that I will be friends with whoever I want to and how I don't think that I can- that we can have any sort of relationship besides polite acquaintances after what happened in June. I was just going to tell him that and nothing else. Satisfied, friendship police?"
Alice stared into my eyes; I knew that she wasn't sure if she should believe me or not. Macy, however, smiled and leaned back in her chair, looking relieved.
"Well, as long as that's all you say." She said, "Don't let him make you get all sentimental or anything so you'll forgive him. I've really enjoyed not seeing him constantly hanging behind you, all slumped over and drippy-looking."
"Ariel, what do you think about all of this?" Alice suddenly barked. Ariel blinked.
"Say again?"
"What do you think about Lily wanting to talk to Snape?" Alice repeated.
Ariel looked a bit uncomfortable. "Um, you really want the truth? You won't like it."
"Let me hear it." I said to her. Alice glared at me before nodding.
"Well," she started, looking into her lap, "I reckon, first of all, that Lily should be able to talk to whoever she wants, even if we don't like it. Even Severus. Let me finish!" she snapped at Macy, who had opened her mouth in retort. Smoothing her white-blonde locks, she began again.
"Also, I think Lily should talk to him after dinner tonight." I looked at her in shock.
"Love," She addressed me, "You need to tell him, calmly so it'll get through his thick skull, that you don't want to associate with him anymore, that you are starting over with other friends, and that he doesn't own you. I don't know if you've noticed before, Lily, but he acts like you belong to him or something. I thought he just really liked you at first but it began to creep me out last year when I'd randomly see him watching you from behind pillars and in the shadows."
"Bravo!" Macy clapped a few times, "Ariel, darling, you've just been accepted into the 'I-Disapprove-of-My-Mate-Hanging-Around-With-That-Unhinged-Snape-Chap Association'. We've even got badges."
"Ha ha." Ariel dryly laughed. "But honestly, you wanted my opinion."
"Thanks, Ariel." I said to her. I nodded to Alice, who still looked unsure. "So, Alice my matey pal, what is going through that amazingly intelligent brain of yours?"
After a few seconds she gave a small nod, apparently deciding on something. Looking at us she gave a small smile.
"Well... Alright. But if you begin to think about forgiving that basket case please just think of June. It's only a request!"
I laughed as Alice, Ariel and I stood up, ready to go to Transfiguration. Alice picked up her textbook and threw it to Macy, telling her to get cracking on the Charms essay.
"Have fun," Macy called to us as we stopped by the portrait hole to wait for Frank and Diego, "And if any of you get an idea about the bloody Charms essay please feel free to ask to use the loo and come tell me!"
Transfiguration was one of those classes that required complete and unwavering focus. It was due partially the difficulty of the course work, but was mostly because of Professor McGonagall. Not that she was a bad teacher or anything; She was just tough. It may seem mad, but I was actually glad that this was my only class before dinner. See, James would be in all of my classes because he wanted to become an Auror as well, and I had pretty much figured that Severus would be in Transfiguration. If Sev saw me talk to James before I could explain... Well, he'd probably explode.
As to how I figured out that Sev would take Transfiguration... Well, I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself, but I knew that last year Sev had hung around with Avery and the rest of those You-Know-Who Junior Supporters. And from what I'd heard in the corridors, that crew had big plans to join You-Know-Who himself as soon as they got out of school. Now, why would this mean that Severus should take Transfiguration? Well, the way I saw it, any future Death Eater would want to take all of the classes that the future Aurors take, just so they're on the same skill level. And as much as I hated the thought, I was sure that Severus would one day become a Death Eater. It was practically branded across his forehead.
After a complicated lesson (in which we discovered that we would be expected to start casting our spells nonverbally) we dashed to Gryffindor Tower to drop off our bags before heading down to dinner. While Ariel complained about the two-foot essay we were due to hand in on Friday, my thoughts drifted off to the sex-god. He had looked so lush, with his undone tie and his messy black hair and that smile. Although I had picked a seat to his left so that I couldn't see him when looking at McGonagall, I still found little excuses to turn to the side and stare at his incredibly fit bod. It was to my advantage that Severus needed to focus more on his Transfiguration than on his Potions, because he probably would have noticed.
When we sat down for dinner the Marauders weren't there. I was disappointed, as they had left Gryffindor Tower before we had. Sitting next to an irate Macy, who was still having trouble with the Charms essay, I glanced all along the table; They definitely weren't there.
"So how was McGog?" Macy asked, playfully elbowing me in the side.
"Well, none of us are dead. Yet." Alice said gravely. "And I emphasize the 'yet'."
Frank rubbed her back affectionately. "Ah, you can handle it. Although I can't speak for the rest of us. We're goners."
"Thanks, Frank." I laughed. "So Mace, how's your Charms essay coming along?"
Macy made a face and took a bread roll from a nearby basket. Buttering it furiously, she glared at the staff table.
"I hate writing about the bloody theory! I don't care what Flitwick says, it doesn't improve my charm-casting! It's ridiculous! I mean, seriously!"
"Seriously?" James Potter said, suddenly appearing behind me. I turned, seeing him, Peter and Sirius. "Prongs, I reckon she's serious."
"But I'm Sirius!" Sirius said, clutching his heart and looking mockingly affronted. "I am! Siriusly!"
"You can't be serious!" Remus joined in from across the table as James sat next to me. "You're never Sirius."
"Sometimes I can be Sirius." Sirius argued, a huge grin on his face. Next to me Macy laughed just a bit too loudly, but none of the boys seemed to notice. Peter sat next to James and Remus sat between Frank and Ariel, but Sirius winked and continued further down the table to where Roxanna and the Minions were sitting.
"Erm, why is Sirius joining Roxanna and the Minions?" Ariel asked the remaining Marauders as he sat next to Selene and instantly began to flirt with her.
"Let's just say he's got... interests." Remus snickered.
"About what, how to apply eyeliner?" Macy asked, looking disappointed.
Even though everyone was eating the conversation at the table was as lively as ever. Remus was telling Alice, Frank and Diego about a run-in he had with the dreaded Hermita Clump; Peter and James were discussing Gryffindor's chances of winning the Quidditch Cup; Ariel and Macy were talking about the new song My Girlfriend is a Vampire had released. I had listen to Remus for a while, but my eyes kept unwillingly searching the Slytherin table.
It was ridiculous. Here I was sitting next to a sex-god, completely able to chat him up, and I was looking for the bastard who broke my heart. There was something severely wrong with me. Hadn't I promised that I wouldn't do this to myself? Hadn't I sworn that I would never regret that night? In a rush those words filled my ears.
"I'm sorry!"
"I can't pretend anymore!" It was true, I couldn't.
"All right, Evans?"
I shook my head as if trying to rid myself of an irksome fly. "Huh?"
James Potter was looking at me. In fact, everybody was looking at me.
"Earth to Evans." He waved a hand in front of my face. "Are you awake?"
"Yeah, sorry. Guess I got lost in my thoughts." I said to him. He smiled understandingly and I instantly felt my cheeks grow warm.
"So, Evans, first day of classes. Feeling the pressure?"
"I thought you were going to call me Lily now."
He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier. "Sorry, Lily. Force of habit."
"I'll get through it. What about you, with Quidditch and all?"
"Ah," He threw a hand in the air with a shrug, "Piece of cake. Now that I'm the one scheduling the practices it'll be easy."
For the first time I noticed the red and gold badge on his chest. "Wow, Quidditch Captain! I'm impressed."
He leaned in closer to me, an enormous grin on his face. It was unendurably sexy. Merlin damn him for knowing how hot he was.
"Really? I've actually impressed you?"
I shrugged, forcing myself to lean away. "Sure. It's not an impossible feat, you know."
"Bugger! I'd almost forgotten!" Macy suddenly exclaimed, clapping a hand to her forehead. "Lily, James, McGonagall wanted me to give these to you." She handed us each a small roll of parchment with our names on it. I opened mine to see that it was a note from McGonagall saying that the N.E.W.T. level Astronomy class would take place every Tuesday and Friday night from 11:30 pm to 1:00 am. I smiled in relief; this would be one class with no distractions, and by distractions I meant the sex-god and Severus.
"Yes!" James clutched his note in his fist and thrust his arm into the air. "Astronomy is a go!"
I stared at him in horror, the note slipping from my weak grasp. "What-, you-, Astronomy?" I stuttered. James grinned at me and retrieved my note from the floor.
"Woah, Evans! You're taking Astronomy too?"
"Uh huhhhhhhhhh..." I dumbly replied. I couldn't think of anything to say.
"Astronomy?" Peter scoffed. "Prongs, you're kidding right?"
"What's wrong with Astronomy?" James raised his eyebrows. Peter gulped.
"Erm, nothing. It's just- isn't it-"
"Isn't it what?"
Peter dropped his fork and rolled his eyes. "Never mind..."
"I happen to like Astronomy. It gives me an excuse to walk around the castle after curfew." James grinned at his mate, letting him know that he wasn't offended. Peter gave a small smile and took a large sip of his pumpkin juice.
"So, Evans," He turned his full attention back to me, his sex-god smile putting thoughts in my head I was glad that Severus would never see. "Excited to see the stars again?"
As he scooted closer to me I smelled his intoxicating scent of forrest and chocolate and mint. It was like a drug to me, and I felt my body long to be closer to his.
"Since when do you like the stars?" I curiously asked. I'd never seen James show any special interest in Astronomy, but then again that was one of the classes that I usually spent with Severus. Up until last year, that is.
"I would have thought it was obvious." James said tantalizingly, staring at me in such a way that I blushed into my lap.
Suddenly, Ariel loudly cleared her throat.
"Lily, don't you have to go back to the common room?" she pointedly asked, resting her chin in her hand and subtlety nodding towards the door to the entrance hall. When I casually looked over I saw Severus dart through the enormous wooden doors.
"Oh, right." I said, not able to hide my disappointment. "I'll see you all later, then."
"S'later, Evans." James waved to me as I stood up, looking put out.
I dragged myself up the marble staircase, wishing that I hadn't told Severus that I'd talk to him. I slowly walked through the castle, making my way to the meeting place. As I neared the right corridor I paused, closing my eyes and slowing my breathing. I tried to clear my mind but so much was running through my head that it was like trying to close the door to my closet. I knew I had to turn that corner, that I had to talk to him, that I had to explain everything, but it felt impossible. Somehow I managed to pluck up the strength to open my eyes and walk toward the tall, thin figure I knew to be Severus.
When he heard my footsteps he turned to face me. My breath caught in my chest and my knees felt like jelly but I kept walking.
"Lily," He said my name with such strong emotion that I had to look away, "I can't believe you came. I didn't think you would."
"Oh." I shyly responded. Sev took my hand in both of his and moved a step closer to me. He lifted it up to his face and gently brushed it with his lips. It was driving me insane, but he still had that unexplainable power over me. I felt paralyzed, like I had to rely upon his will to survive, like without him I would wither like a flower without rain.
"I've missed you so much." He murmured, his face very close to mine now. I could smell him, feel his breath on my hand. He was mesmerizing, and as his lips caressed my skin again I though of another pair of lips belonging to another person, a person with gorgeous hazel eyes and dark, messy hair.
"Er, well that's what I wanted to talk..." I trailed off as my voice grew so quiet that it was barely a whisper. I cleared my throat and shook my head a bit before starting again.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Sev." I said as I pulled back my hand and looked into his face.
He smiled wide and pulled me into an embrace. "I will never hurt you again." He whispered into my ear, his breath tickling my cheek, "Nor will anyone else. I'd rather die, Lily, then to see you in pain."
"Sev-" He pulled away, looking into my face with adoration as he pushed a piece of hair behind my ear.
"I know you can never forget it, but at least we can put it past us and move on together. Move on to the future." He put his arms around my waist and kissed me on the cheek. I stood stock still, my arms limp at my sides, refusing to touch him. The anger that had filled me the night before crept its way back into my body. I fought to keep in contained, but the memory of how Severus had tried to curse James flooded my thoughts. No one could touch my sex-god. No one.
"Hold it Severus!" I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. "I don't think we're quite on the same page here."
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Sev," I sighed, taking his hands off of my waist and looking up into his dark eyes, "I can't do this."
"Do what?"
I wanted to shout Be friends with you, idiot! but thought better of it.
"We're not good together, Severus." I didn't realize how much it hurt me to say those words. "There is no future for us."
He shook his head and, I couldn't believe it, smiled. "No, Lily, don't worry. We can make it. I don't care what anyone thinks, as long as I'm with you. We'll always have each other. Always, okay?"
I bit my bottom lip and looked at the ground. "No, Sev, you don't get it. I don't want to have a future with you. I can't. Not after June." I took a step back and hesitantly peaked at him. Severus just stood there, his mouth slightly open, looking so innocent and hurt that I wanted to comfort him. But I couldn't. It would totally just ruin my point.
"Lily, you don' mean-" He started, taking a step toward me with an outstretched hand before I interrupted him.
"No, Sev, it's exactly what I mean!" I asserted, barely able to keep my temper. I didn't understand why the thick dolt wouldn't just get it, and it was making me want to hit something. It must have been nearing my time of the month or something.
"Lily-"
"No." I said, my voice like the calm before a storm. "I'm starting over, Sev. This just isn't something that you can fix!" I put a hand on his shoulder. I felt it trembling beneath his robes, and I truly hated myself for what I was doing to him. He had started it, but I had to end it. For both of us.
"We were friends, Sev, but not anymore. I'm going to be friends with new people, whether you like it or not, and there's nothing you can do about it."
Now he looked really pitiful, like a puppy that had been kicked or something. His bottom lip was quivering and his face had blanched. His eyes were blank like a corpse's, and for a split second I thought of hugging him, feeling his warm arms around my body, telling him that I'd forgiven him because that's what friends were for, assuring him that everything would be alright. But I couldn't. I just couldn't.
"I thought we were more than friends." He whispered so quietly that I wasn't sure if he was talking to me.
"Were we?" I lied, looking his straight into his face as I said it. He blinked, and as he did I swore that I saw a tear quickly slide down his cheek and onto the floor.
Then something in his mind seemed to click. His face suddenly became hard, his eyes narrowing and his nostrils flaring.
"It's them, isn't it? You plan on hanging around Potter, don't you? Why didn't I see it before?" He clenched his teeth and pointed an accusing finger at me. "I won't let you go out with him, Lily, he'll just hurt you! He's an idiot! No, you can't-"
"Hey!" I yelled at him, the thin thread that was my temper coming apart, "Don't you dare, Severus Tobias Snape," I walked up to him and jabbed my finger into his chest, "Tell me what I can and cannot do, or who I can and cannot hang out with! And who ever said that I'm going out with James Potter, because I'm not! And for your information, you thick control freak, they're not half bad!" Severus took a sharp intake of breath at these words like I'd stabbed him, which gave me a fierce pleasure.
"Don't you know who that slime arses around with?" He shouted, "Don't you know that they keep company with Lupin? Don't you know what he is?"
"So what if he is?" I retorted. "So what if he is a werewolf, Severus? I mean, I think that it's complete and utter rubbish but he's still a person, Sev! See, this is exactly why I can't be around you! You think that certain people don't matter! And I don't care what the bloody hell you say, but I'm sure as hell one of them! You hate Lupin, you hate me, got it buster?" I glared at him, breathing hard, every inch of my body tense as if I was expecting an attack.
"He's dangerous!" He yelled.
"So are you!"
"Excuse me, but is there a problem here?"
I whirled around to see none other than one Remus Lupin, standing just past the bend in the corridor, his wand steadily pointed directly at Severus. I swiftly walked toward him, searching for my wand in the pocket of my robes. Once I found it I turned around to see Severus standing in the middle of the corridor, his chest heaving as if he'd just run a marathon, his black eyes flashing and his mouth in a snarl.
"You-"
"Don't start with me, Severus. We're over." Remus began to turn with the obvious intention of walking away but I grabbed his arm with my wand-free hand and shook my head. Understanding me, we slowly backed away from Sev, our wands still pointed at him.
"What, you can't even trust me enough to turn your back to me?" He snapped.
"No, I can't." I harshly replied as we turned the corner.
When he was out of our line of vision, Remus and I looked at each other. Nodding at exactly the same time, almost as if it had been planned, we both ran, hard and fast, up the stairs and through a random door, like bats fresh out of hell.