Grief
chapter six
Carson called in their chief vascular surgeon to deal with the injury to John's leg. Uliana had been halfway through her attempt to amputate his leg, leaving muscle and major blood vessels severed along with vital nerves. Thankfully she had not severed the femoral artery, but the pulse was weaker below the cut. Reattachment of the blood vessels and nerves was a tedious job and one that Carson would gladly bow to the resident expert, Dr Ramirez.
Five hours later, Carson and Ramirez scrubbed out while their patient was transferred to post op. Carson knew the waiting room was filled with impatiently waiting friends. The news was tentative at best and would not be recieved well.
Carson had asked Dr Ramierez to be the one to explain the damage done, the surgery and what the prognosis would entail.
As the two doctors exited the OR doors, the waiting group sprung to their feet. Carson held off any questions with his raised hand.
"The surgery is over and the Colonel will be in recovery for a while. The concussion he suffered from the crash is healing but still needs to be monitored closely due to the prolonged exposure to anesthesia. His tibia was fractured mid-calf and that has been pinned back into place. The vascular sugery was the most difficult and I will let Dr Ramirez explain.
Dr Ramirez took over the briefing. "Colonel Sheppard suffered extensive damage from the deep lateral laceration to his lower leg, just below the knee. We have reattached all the vital vessels and nerves and his circulation has improved. Luckily the femoral artery was intact."
Dr Weir asked the question they all wanted answered.
"Will John be able to walk?"
Dr Ramirez sighed, knowing they all wanted a definitive answer. "Like I said all vital vessels and nerves were reattached, but it is too early to tell what his prognosis will be. There are hundreds of secondary nerve endings that are just not possible to reattached surgically. Most grow back together on their own. At the least, the Colonel will have some localized numbness, unfortunately the extent of that numbness is unpredictable at this time. Worst case scenario, a loss of feeling in his lower leg to his foot from nerve damage will prevent full use. But lets not go there. Its going to take time...it can take up to a year for some nerves to regenerate fully. He will need your support over the next few months, possibly longer. We know our Colonel is very resilient, even hesitant to ask for help..so keep that in mind too."
Carson added "the Colonel is suffering an infection in his leg due to the fracture and from the laceration, though surprisingly not as deeply infected as it could be. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in and clear the infection quickly."
The group sat still, absorbing the information...not terrible, but not good either. The fear that they would have had to finish the amputation had had them all holding theirs breaths. So far, the expert skills of their doctors had reversed the sick woman's attempts.
The doctors turned to go check on their patient. Teyla interrupted their retreat. "Carson? How is the woman...Uliana doing?" While the woman had severely injured the Colonel, she had done so in a fevered, delirious state, not maliciously but in a grievous attempt to save the life she perceived was her already deceased husband.
"Aye, Teyla...we have her on antibiotics. So far she is still the same, but I am hopeful that once the meds have time to work, she will improve.
It was not clear yet at what point Uliana had projected her grief onto Colonel Sheppard, seeing him as her injured husband, Keon whom she had been unable to save just three weeks earlier. Her own injury was still severely infected and she was still too incoherant to question.
Carson was hopeful that the antibiotics he was administering would be enough to heal the infection in her injured arm. He feared for her mental state, regardless of whether the fever instigated her actions, it appeared that, according to Tomas, she had been suffering a severe depression due to her grief.
With the gradual reduction of post op sedation, John woke the next afternoon. Sound was the first sense that registered. Conversation, a female and a male. The accent was familar, comforting and it took only a few seconds for him to identify the voice belonging to Carson. The female, again familar and comforting belonged to Teyla.
Anxious to draw their attention with as little effort as possible, he groaned. Through slitted eyes, he could make out their fuzzy faces abruptly turn towards him.
"Aye, Lad! Welcome back!"
"John! Yes...welcome back! It is good to see you awake!"
John smiled slightly, the greetings semi-registering through his fog. He wondered where he had gone and for how long...for them to welcome him back from so enthusiastically. As he woke more fully, the answer hit him hard..amd fast.
He went to grab for his leg, remembering the crazy lady about to cut it off! He gasped with the sudden movement. The pain in his leg excrutiating. Carson and Teyla pushed him back down, flat on his back as he struggled to rise enough to see if his leg pain was real or from phantom pains he knew amputees felt after limb loss.
"M' leg! Cars'n! I need t'know! Is my leg gone?!" He gasped, trying hard not to sob, afraid of the answer. He focused on Carson's face, silently imploring him to say the words he wanted to hear and not what he expected him to confirm.
"Take it easy, lad...take a deep breath in and out...in and out."
What?! What was Carson saying?! John was so hyped, he wasnt aware that he was hyperventilating. His panic starving his body of much needed oxygen.
Before he could comprehend what Carson was on about, an oxygen mask was placed over his nose and mouth, blocking his view. He struggled even harder. He was on the verge of passing out, when Teyla's soothing voice filtered through, calming him enough for his breathing to relax.
She continued to soothe him with words as his breathing calmed and his body relaxed with the fresh oxygen supply. It didnt matter what Teyla was saying, in fact, he had no clue. It was the tone, quality and cadence of her voice which calmed him.
"John, you still have your leg. You were injured, but we found you in time. Be calm, you are back in Atlantis. You are in the infirmary and you are safe."
When he had calmed enough to make sense of what she was saying, his exhaustion took over and he passed out once again.
Uliana startled awake, the comforting silence broken by heart-wrenching pleas. She could only make out the last words "is my leg gone" which made her stomach turn and her body flush with guilt.
She had caused this man's suffering. His cries of panic concerning his leg filled her with such guilt it seemed to swallow her. Though she only had vague memories, she was aware of what she had done while delirious with fever.
Her fever had broken only a short time ago. She felt very weak and mostly slept but the healer, Dr Beckett and the leader here, Dr Weir had come to talk with her. They had asked her about what had happened and she told them all that she could remember. They, in turn, filled in the gaps, explaining that her arm injury was severe enough to cause the fevered delirium. Her grief transposed upon the injured man she know knew as Colonel John Sheppard.
She shuddered at the vague recollections of believing he was her Keon. Most of that time was lost to her, but she did remember her determination to save him, to rid his body of the limb that was slowly poisoning the rest of him.
It had felt so real. Even now, she had a hard time accepting that her Keon was gone and that she had believed this other man was her deceased mate.
These good people were kind, and despite what she had done to one of their own, they had also brought her back to their home, using their advanced medical knowledge to help heal her. She was grateful, but a part of her...a very large part of her wished they had left her. She most likely would have succumbed to her injuries but, would have been home with her memories and would have welcomed joining her husband for eternity. The unbearable pain of his loss would have been over.