Let's call it Love
I was fucking bored in Spanish, and I couldn't care less that Schuester was sending me glares every time he turned around and found me bobbing my head up and down, my eyes nearly closed. Schuester knew what he was talking about, but man he was so boring with his squeaky little voice that made me want to puke all the time, so no, I wasn't paying attention to anything he was saying and there was no way he was going to make me any time soon.
A hand was put over my thigh when my eyes were finally giving in, bringing me back again. I turned my head to the side and saw Brittany looking unblinkingly at Mr. Schue, her warm hand still in my thigh. She caressed it and I felt something smooth, besides her soft hand, against my skin. I looked down and she turned her hand, palm up, letting me see a blue post-it folded it in half. I took it and she nodded, still looking at her front.
I unfolded the post-it and frowned at the small letters, her handwriting minimized to fit into the little piece of paper. "What is that the guys are saying about you and Rachel? I'm confused" I looked at her with my eyebrows raised.
"Santana, el pizarrón está al frente" Mr. Schue spoke up.
"Lo sé" I said back, looking at his hopeless face. He turned around when he was convinced I was paying attention to what he was writing on the whiteboard. I rolled my eyes and turned Britt's note around, writing down on it. "Don't you remember?"
I passed her the note under the table and she took it immediately. She looked at me and shook her head, her eyes shining with confusion after she read it. I ripped a sheet from my notebook and started to write down.
"You're going to find out anyway, so. I slept with her a year ago. I let it out at the sleepover thanks to the wine coolers and the stupid truth or dare game we were playing."
Britt raised her eyebrows, and she looked at the sheet for what felt like a minute. She didn't try to write or say anything about it. I chewed my lower lip seeing how she made a ball with the paper and put it into the pocket of her letterman jacket. I looked up at her face and frowned at the way she was following every movement of Mr. Schue's hand in the whiteboard, deep in thought. I hated it when she did this, because sometimes it was hard to read her. I really thought she would remember everything that happened that night at her house, because she was giving me most of her drinks-I remembered because all of the shit I do while drunk, usually come to me the next morning along with the hangover-, and the glee kids had been really mean with their comments. Like how Rachel must have rubbed the argyle in me, how I had to be tested to see if I didn't catch her bad taste, how gross it must have been, or how nauseous I must've felt. All of them had something to say about it and I guessed Brittany knew already.
"Bueno, chicos, la clase terminó. Hagan la tarea y no olviden el examen"
"Come on, Mr. Schue, speak human!" A moron shouted at him, making the rest laugh. Mr. Schue sighed miserably, making me felt sorry for him for who knows what time in my life.
"Just go to your next class, and don't forget about the test" Mr. Schue said, starting to gather his things. I didn't move because Britt was still sitting in her chair still looking at the whiteboard, her eyes traveling up and down slowly. I waited until Mr. Schue shouldered his bag and nodded at both of us, saying goodbye before getting out of the classroom.
"B"
"It was gross as they were saying?" She asked me before I had time to even say anything more, feeling in part thankful because I wasn't sure what to say. I opened my mouth but closed it, dropping my head to look at my hands in my lap. I didn't know what to tell her. Why did she want to know? Why was she being so weird about it? Was she mad? Was she jealous?
The thing was, I didn't know where I stood with her anymore. After my come out nine months ago, we dated for four months but things weren't as pretty as I dreamt they would be. Things got complicated and I started to feel that she was with me only for the sake of making me happy. I couldn't have it; and for us to keep our friendship healthy we had to break up. It hurt me so much but it was better that way. It was hard sometimes because she still wanted me to be her fuck buddy when she was single, and I always ended saying yes because I hadn't been able to move on. I guess I'm still hoping she would take me back; that she would someday feel the same way I felt for her. So, I wasn't sure what it meant this reaction towards the new information I was giving her. She usually just shrugged and moved on every time I told her I hooked up with some random girl, but at this moment she was being so quiet and making me this question about my time with Rachel that I didn't have a clue.
"Was it?" Brittany asked again.
"I—"
"Why didn't you tell me about this before?"
I took her hands and she just looked down at our now joined hands. "It wasn't important, so why tell?" I shrugged, she looked up at me and I gave her a small smile. "It was just a favor, anyway."
"It was gross?"
I looked away from her, letting out a sigh. Why did she want to know?
"Come on, S. If you liked it I won't tell" Her tone was playful, her cheerful and bubbly mood back once again although I saw in her eyes a hint of something I couldn't put my finger on it. I shrugged.
"It was… nothing out of the ordinary. Actually, sometimes I just forget that it happened, and trust me its better that way" I said, chuckling. Her smile widened and she started to gather her things.
I was lying. I was freaking lying to Britt in her face, because I couldn't stop thinking about that damn evening. It's been a year and I was doing fine until months ago when a drunk Rachel decided it was hilarious to make Finn jealous in the middle of a party, by making out in the most sexy way with one of the few hot jocks that remain in the football team, who wasn't a total idiot to believe all the crap we'd been trying to make everyone believe about Rachel. Either that or he just wanted to feel Berry up. The point was that the whole thing was irritating but at the same time so sexually frustrating and extremely hot, that I wasn't physical able to even be near the girl without wanting to threw her against the lockers, and take her right there every time these annoying images of Berry naked in that hotel room flooded my thoughts. And I couldn't have it, so I stopped looking at her. She didn't exist to me, I didn't even get closer to throw an insult her way, I just couldn't.
Alright, with that I was accepting that I liked her, in those torturous days I came clear with myself and admitted that. She was hot and her personality wasn't that bad either when she wasn't talking all of the time, which rarely happened. But it was just that, pure physical attraction and nothing else. I didn't have any kind of feelings towards her; probably just guilt now that our secret was out; but just that: guilt. Guilt and the hate I had for Finn Hudson, who apparently made her happy and whatever, if she wanted to waste her time with him it wasn't my problem.
"Do you think this is your thinking place now, S? Fucking come back, I'm talking to you"
I narrowed my eyes at Quinn and scrunched up my nose when she started to lit a cigar, the strong smell filling my nostrils already. It was disgusting. "Those are disgusting, Q."
"Shut up, you smoke too."
"Yeah, but not that crap"
The bitch smirked and blew the smoke in my direction. I scowled and ignored her attempts to make me mad, looking around the place. "Where are your Skanks, anyway?"
"I don't know, I'm not a babysitter unlike you" Quinn said, shrugging and leaning against one of the poles. "Why do you care? You wouldn't be here otherwise, because you're too much of a chicken." She inhaled deeply from her cigarette and then smirked at me while releasing the smoke, enjoying her words so much. She didn't give me time to defend myself as she spoke again. "I heard the rumors, please, please tell me they're just that"
My scowl turned into a grin and I leaned back on the chair I was sitting in, crossing my arms and looking at my nails. "Rumors?" I asked as I lifted my eyes to her face, she was looking at me intently, through the smoke.
"Yeah, about you rubbing your berry with manhand's"
"Shut up!" I scrunched my face at her words, my reaction making her let out a loud and twisted laugh.
She was just so different, it wasn't just the pink hair, the dark, ragged clothes, the piercing or that ridiculous tattoo she had now. It was her attitude too. Old, virginal and prude Quinn Fabray wouldn't have said that and even less any of the curses she liked so much to throw everywhere. I knew better, though, somewhere inside all of this she was still the same lost, weak little girl she'd always been.
"Come on, it was fucking hilarious"
"Shut up"
"So, are they?"
"You know they're never rumors here at Mckinley. If everyone is saying it so it's true" I told her, shrugging. I let my gaze fell to my nails once again and frowned when not a single retort was sent my way. She fell completely silent. When I looked up again I found her expression had changed. She wasn't smirking anymore and her eyes were inexpressive just like the times she was making pranks with The Skanks. She wasn't looking at me either, her gaze was lost in the empty field in front of us.
"So low, Santana" She said after a moment.
"Whatever, Q. It was just pity sex. So, it didn't mean anything" I said and I was lying. I was lying miserably to Quinn, just like I lied to Brittany before to not let them know it was more than that.
Quinn threw the cigar on the floor and stomped it with her foot before pulling off the pole and starting to walk away. I watched her leave and shrugged, rolling my eyes. Quinn had been acting so weird since school started besides this stupid façade she was trying to put, and I wasn't really going to do anything about it. I cared, but if she didn't want my help all those months she was missing, then why would she want it now?
This day was proving to be really boring. At least classes were almost over and I just had one more period before I could get out of this hell hole. I walked through the corridors with my head high, glaring at everyone who even dared to look at me. Britt was in detention and I hated walking alone when she wasn't beside me -her pinkie linked with mine-, so that was my distraction. I made it to English class and found the classroom almost empty.
"C'mon, Rach, we need to talk"
I stopped at the door and peered inside. Finn was with his back to the door and Rachel was sitting over one of the desks, looking down at the book she had resting in her lap. Her shoulders were slightly slumped and she seemed tired.
"I told you we're done, Finn. There's really nothing to talk about." Rachel said, looking up at him as she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
"C'mon, Rach, you know sometimes I said things I don't mean."
"You should go to your class, Finn, you're going to be late and my classmates must be on their way." Rachel told him, shaking her head and looking down at her book again. Finn put his hand under Rachel's chin and lifted her head gently. Rachel took a sharp intake of breath, furrowing her brows.
"Please, let me take back what I said." He pleaded. "Please."
It was a fact that Finn Hudson was the biggest idiot in Ohio and probably the entire continent, but he was also the most persistent person I had ever known, and while that can be a really good quality in a person, sometimes it was just plain annoying; and for the long breath Rachel released as she shook her head, made me think she probably was thinking the same thing. He must have said something really, really awful for Rachel to break up with him. I heard that they were broken up that morning, but I couldn't believe it was true, knowing how much he meant for Rachel; and how she had worked so stubbornly to keep their relationship working. But like I said, Finn was a big moron and she must've reached her limit.
"Please, Rach, I just need one last chance. Please, forgive me for what I said. I'm stupid, I know that" He begged and for the way his voice was shaking I could tell he was at the verge of tears.
"Don't do this, Finn. I told you I'm done. I don't see a point in us being together anymore."
"Rach-"
"Please" Rachel said and now she was the one begging. "Just stop insisting, it's over"
Finn stepped forward and trapped her in a tight hug, burying his face on her neck. Rachel closed her eyes, circling him with her arms. He whispered something in her neck I couldn't hear, although I could tell by the way her face crumbled, that his words had hurt her someway.
Rachel pushed him gently away several seconds later, looking him in the eyes, her own filled with tears. "That's the problem, Finn, you just need me"
I heard the teacher's voice behind me and turned around spotting her walking towards our classroom. She was entertained talking with a student and I took advantage of the distraction to walk away from the door and across the hall. I saw some of our classmates entering the room while Rachel pushed her way out of it -tears in her cheeks-, Finn following close behind. Didn't he know when to quit?
"Hey, Finnocence!"
He turned around so violently at the sound of my voice, that he nearly knocked a girl walking near him to the ground. He probably thought I was intimidated by his excuse for a death glare, but the only reaction it could take out of me was laughter. I crossed my arms, watching Rachel turn the corner at the end of the hallway.
"I heard Treasure Tail finally got tired of you" I told him with a smirk. I didn't care I was being a bitch about something so sensitive but I never really cared about him.
"I bet you couldn't help yourself!" Finn spat out in my face.
"C'mon, Finnocence—"
"Stop calling me that! I'm sick of you! You couldn't keep it in your pants, could you?"
I was really enjoying the way his face was as red as a cherry slushie. "I'm surprised you haven't came to me before, since everyone found out I got there first like four days ago and they've been laughing at you in your back, Mr. puffy nipples. And honestly, what do you want me to tell you?" I asked him as I stepped closer to him. "That I fucked your little girlfriend?" I made a pause to chuckle and it was too hilarious the way he clenched his jaw and started to shake. "Oh, wait, I remember now you two were broken up thanks to me and your best friend, and oh, how I wish that wouldn't have been the case."
I shrugged one of my shoulders, smirk in place and started to walk past him with the intention of looking for Rachel.
"So, you only did this to mess with me?" Finn hissed making me stop. Always his big ego on the way. "You used her!"
I turned around to face him again and scowled at him. "See? That's the problem with you. You think the whole world revolves around you but new flash: You're no one. And honestly, if I used her, I don't think she had a problem with it because, now that you're so willing to hear me, I made her scream my name so loud I'm completely sure she didn't even think of you for a second."
I didn't stop to see his reaction, I turned around and walked away from him, immediately walking towards the girl's bathroom. Rachel had this bad habit to go there even knowing that wasn't the most private place for her to hide; and I wasn't mistaken. I found her in front of the sinks, wiping the tears on her cheeks. She immediately looked up, our eyes connecting through the mirror. Seeing her so broken made all the anger I was feeling from my encounter with Finn slip away and I was filled with guilt instead. I swallowed it all down, there was no way I was going to let her see it.
"You shouldn't be running through the halls crying, Berry. Everyone already knows you're a loser."
Rachel sniffled and broke eye contact, looking down at the napkin she was twisting in her hands. "What are you doing here?"
"What happened?"
"Why do you care?"
"I don't"
"Then leave!" Rachel snapped looking up again, making me flinch with the intensity of her gaze. She was angry. She rarely let her anger out, it was hard to get this type of reaction out of her and she had to be really mad with someone to snap this way. "You're the last person I want here in this moment."
That actually stung, and I could understand she was angry with me even when she didn't have the right to be. I spilled the secret and made them break up but I wasn't really the one to blame for that. She did this to herself. She was the one who asked me to sleep with her. She was the one who wanted to hurt him. It wasn't my fault that they were broken up; and despite all of that, I couldn't help but feel responsible and bad about it. It wasn't my place. She wasn't my friend. I wasn't supposed to care about her. So, I turned around and left the bathroom, wishing I hadn't hesitated and stopped at the other side of the bathroom door, because that way I wouldn't have heard her sobs.
A/N: I made it!
Ah! Thank you all for taking your time to read this, really, and hope you liked this chapter. =D
Here the spanish sentences:
"Santana, el pizarrón está al frente" "Santana, the whiteboard is at the front"
"Lo sé" "I know"
"Bueno, chicos, la clase terminó. Hagan la tarea y no olviden el examen" "Alright, guys, class is over. Do your homework and don't forget about the test"