Let's Call It Love
"So, tonight's Friday night, right?
Closing the faucet I stilled my movements so I could hear closely what Santana was saying.
"Right?" She repeated, her voice coming from the living room. I smiled and continued washing the dishes.
"Yes" I finally said out loud.
"Which means we need to have a little fun"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Then drop the dishes and come over here"
"I'm almost done!" I shouted back. I would have been over by now if she hadn't just finished eating and going to lay down with Shorty on the couch.
Once the dishes were all cleaned I walked to the living room while drying my hands on a towel. "Done" I told her leaning against the kitchen's threshold.
"Took you long enough" I couldn't see her so I rounded the couch and found her lying down, one of her hands down caressing Shorty's ear while he lie down on the floor in front of the couch. "As I was saying, we're having fun tonight"
She stood up and walked over me taking me by the wrist and started to drag me towards the front door.
"Oh, no no no, I'm not leaving the house. I told my dads I was—we were staying home"
"So? I've told my parents that too and they never found out that I was completely lying. Do you do everything they say?"
"Of course! They know what's best for me" I told her placing my hands on my hips.
"You're a complete disappointment" Santana said with a frown. I rolled my eyes. "C'mon, Rachel! They're on a date which usually leads to hot sex, that of course they're not sharing with you which means you're not seeing them until tomorrow morning OR evening"
"Oh gross" I scrunched up my face becase the image of my fathers having an intercourse was completely disturbing and so not what I wanted in my head for the rest of the night. Santana chuckled before continuing with the pleading. I knew she was only dragging me to this party because she needed I ride since her mom took her car away.
"C'mon, hobbit, don't make me regret spending my time with you. I've been here the last two Fridays doing nothing with you."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "You said you had fun"
"And I'm not saying I didn't. My point is we did what you wanted now's my turn."
"I don't know, Santana"
"It'll be fun. We'll go, have fun and you'll be safe here when they come back."
I bit my lip looking at Santana's face. She narrowed her eyes when I didn't give a quick answer.
"Don't be a wuss"
This only called for trouble but it was hard for me to say no now that Santana's expression change for that manipulative pout she was getting used to use to convince me.
"Alright" I accepted earning a smirk from Santana. She took my wrist again dragging me out of my safe home.
"Shit!"
"What?"
"Of course he would invite all of the squad too" She mumbled looking towards the house. I followed her line of sight. The Cheerios, of course. They weren't in their uniforms but it wasn't hard to recognize them.
People at school wasn't a problem to Santana, the Cheerios were something else. She still didn't want them to see her spending time with me.
"I have to be with them. I can't…" Santana trailed off looking at me. "I'm sorry"
"Then I'm going back home"
"You don't have to. Look, why don't you stay? I think I just saw Tina and Mike get into the house and probably the rest of the guys are here too. Besides, you're my ride home, remember?"
I rolled my eyes at that. "I prefer not, Santana. I'm going home now"
"Just stay, Rachel, have some fun"
"I thought WE will be having fun"
"Then stay"
It wasn't fun at all. It took me one hour in this miserable hell hole to start hating Santana for making me stay. I was glaring at Santana from the kitchen's door. She was sitting with the Cheerios and they were all clearly drunk.
It didn't take me long to really figure out the reason why Santana wanted so desperately to come to this party. The reason was sitting over Artie's lap who was making jokes to a whole, clearly drunk, squad enjoying the way they were all laughing at them.
I hated Santana even more for the fake smiles she was giving at them when it was clear she was jealous because she was making a poor job hiding it.
"It sucks to be her dirty little secret, huh?"
I jumped up startled when a low husky voice breather those words into my ear. I turned around quickly finding a smirk and a pair of green eyes that looked so shiny with the pink hair of their owner.
"Quinn…"
"I never thought you would do what Santana ordered you to. You never did."
"I—no. I'm here because I want to."
Quinn laughed. Now that I was facing her I could smell the faint scent of cigarettes and vodka in her breath. "Yeah, the scowl on your face gives that away. You don't like these parties, Rachel, you're not fooling anyone"
"Why are you here? I thought you weren't friends with us anymore."
"Puck's still my friends and I'm here because of The Skanks. Not that that's any of your business." Quinn said turning around and walking towards the back door.
I looked over my shoulder at Santana and sighed following Quinn out. I found her leaning against the side of the house. I scrunched up my nose at watching her light a cigarette. Walking over to her, I leaned on the wall beside her. She grinned releasing the smoke.
"Did you ask for permission to be out here with me?
"Drop it, Quinn. Santana didn't—"
"What? Do you think I haven't seen the way you two have been dancing around each other these past couple of weeks? Like I said, you're not fooling anyone." Quinn said shaking her head and lifting the cigarette to her lips again.
I looked away without saying anything. I let the silence take over because Quinn wasn't completely wrong. I had better things to do but here I was, stuck and wasting my time in a place I didn't want to be and all because of my inability to say no. Now that my friendship with Santana was growing and I was becoming fond of her with each day that passed, it was getting harder to say no every time Santana wanted something.
When I looked at her again, her smirk was gone and she was just looking unblinkingly at me. I cleared my throat suddenly feeling uncomfortable under her scrutiny and looked away once again. "I don't think you like these parties either."
"Why? You don't know me. You never really have." Quinn said softly.
I looked at her frowning. "Maybe not completely" She shrugged when I made a pause. "But I still think you don't want to be here. Otherwise you'll be with your friends instead of out here alone."
Quinn finally looked away bringing the cigarette to her lips. I smiled slightly at the fact that she was silently accepting I was right.
"You should come back to glee, you know? You used to like it and-"
"I never like it and I'm not coming back" Quinn said harshly. "Stop asking me to go back. I won't"
"Quinn"
"Who wants me there anyway? Nobody cares about what happens to me."
"I do. I'm there, Quinn and I care. Besides, there's Santana and Brittany. What about Puck? He's your friend right?"
Quinn chuckled but her laughter was more ironic than nothing. "He's just interested in me because I gave birth to his child."
I looked down at my hands feeling sadness wash over me at the way she muttered those words. It was obvious how much knowing that hurt her. I wanted to make it better. "Just… think about it. You don't have to be alone."
"Rachel?"
I looked towards the back door of the house watching Santana stopped just when she saw us. She then crossed her arms and closed the distance, eyeing us suspiciously.
"I've been looking around for you."
"Here I am." I said looking back at Quinn just in time to see her roll her eyes.
"I'll leave you two love birds alone."
"I didn't know you were here, Q" Santana said stopping Quinn from leaving.
Quinn let out a loud laugh. "How were you supposed to? You've been doing nothing but stare at Brittany all night, probably if you either learn to move on or grow a pair, you'll be aware of what's happening around you."
They were glaring at each other and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable at being in the middle of the discussion. I was preparing myself to jump in and stop a fight when I saw the way Santana clenched her jaw.
"Can it, Q" Santana finally said and I let out the breath I was holding. "I'm not picking up your fight. We're going home now, Rachel."
I nodded looking at Quinn who was still glaring at Santana. "Goodbye, Quinn"
It took me half the ride home to break the silence that was settled between us. Santana was driving and ever since we left the party she'd been quiet, a frown in place. I knew she was deep in thought.
"You should talk with her" I finally said. Santana's frown deepened. She stayed silent and kept driving. "With Brittany, I mean."
"And you should mind your own business" She snapped sharply.
I looked to the front immediately thinking the same. It was probably the best to stop trying to make her open a little more. Perhaps I was asking too much from her. We were becoming friends which didn't mean she had to open up to me. Maybe I was just her friend to hang out with when she was bored, which apparently happened a lot lately, ever since her relationship with Brittany has been hanging on a really, really thin thread. I didn't even know if she actually considered me her friend.
Santana started to pull over and I looked at her confused. We were still pretty far away from my house. She sat there looking to her front while I waited for an explanation.
Getting impatient, I was ready to speak when she interrupted me.
"I get it, okay? I know I made a fool of myself tonight and I'm sorry I dragged you into it. But it isn't as simple as you or Quinn think and neither of you have the right to tell me what do about it. What Quinn said... She doesn't know a shit about it. She doesn't know what it's like to—she—"
Santana stopped abruptly dropping soundly her forehead against the steering wheel, growling really loud. I bit my lip giving her a little time to let out her frustration. She never talked to me about her situation with Brittany but I wasn't blind. I saw the way they behaved around each other lately and it was completely different at what they had before, starting with the fact that they stopped spending as much time together as they used to.
"I didn't mean it in a bad way" I offered after a while. "What I meant to say was that you should talk to her and see if you can try to save your friendship. I've seen the way you look at her. I know you don't want to lose her completely."
She straightened up in her seat and wiped her eyes quickly before turning around on her seat looking for something on the back seat.
"Alright" Santana said once she was settled in her seat once again. I flinched when she throw a bottle of tequila half empty over my lap. I took it quickly to prevent it from rolling off my lap when Santana started the car abruptly. "I was about to throw you out of the car and go home but that's clearly not happening since this is your dad's car. So, we're going to get our asses drunk and not talk about anything at all."
"Santana, I don't like to drink. You know that and I honestly don't think you should be drinking either."
She stopped at a red light and looked at me. "You're drinking with me or I'll drop you home and go get my ass drunk alone. It's your call, Rachel."
"Why not just drop me home?"
Santana seemed to ignore my question and started the car once again. I waited patiently because I wanted her answer. She was upset and she was still willing to let me be with her.
"Because it seems like you are right now the only person who gives a tiny little shit about me" Santana answered softly giving me a quick glance. "So what it is?"
I looked down at the bottle in my hands. I couldn't say no. This was probably the chance I was waiting for. This was probably Santana's way of telling me she needed me to lean on. This night was different from other nights. We'd settled on a routine. She would come home, we'll have dinner together, do some homework when she was in the mood, watch a movie, play board games and talk about glee or meaningless things. This time she was letting me in a little more, so I couldn't just say no.
"I'm in."
Santana smiled at me and nodded speeding up. I smiled back feeling content and just watch her not even caring where she was heading.
"You're fooling me, hobbit! You haven't had a drink!" Santana said taking the bottle from where it rested between us. That was a huge lie. I was feeling dizzy. It didn't take too much for me to get lightheaded. She has had more than me? Yes. But saying I haven't had any was a lie.
I shrieked when Santana brought, carelessly, the bottle to my lips. My hands flying to her arm.
"Sip, hobbit! I ain't drinking alone" Santana slurred holding firmly the bottle.
My throat burned from the hot liquid and I coughed pulling the bottle away making a complete mess. Tequila went running down my chin and neck and onto my sweater. Santana laughed hard throwing herself over the car's windshield cracking up.
"You ruined my sweater!" I shrieked out coughing again when my throat hurt. "And I'm positive you're ruining my vocal chords too"
Santana kept laughing and I scowled at her trying to clean my chin and neck with my sweater. It was ruined anyway.
"You should thank me, that sweater…" she started making a pause to take a sip from the bottle. "…that sweater is really ugly. Here"
Still giggling, Santana put the bottle aside and started to take off her jacket. After she was done she took the hem of my sweater and started to raise it. I felt heat started to rise in my cheeks. Her eyes locked with mine and I lifted my arms letting her pull it over my head. She put it away and scooted closer, her hands brushing my hair that was all messed up.
I couldn't move. I was completely paralyzed and the intensity of her gaze wasn't helping at all. I opened my mouth but found myself unable to emit a sound. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to say. The alcohol in my veins made me feel dumb, that was one of the reasons why I didn't like to drink.
I felt myself starting to shake when her eyes fell to my lips and I saw the way she licked her own before she started to close the little gap between us. I swallowed hard looking into her eyes when she finally looked up, looking at me as if she was asking me for permission for what she was about to do. As a response I closed my eyes waiting for her next move, letting her do what she wanted to do.
I didn't know if it was the alcohol or simply the memory of the way her lips felt over mine that was imprinted on my mind but the feeling was stronger and feeling them once again made me released a throaty sound that only encouraged Santana to kiss me fiercely.
As lost as I was in it, I was also still aware of the fact that this wasn't okay. Santana had been very upset and confused and I didn't want this to ruin the little progress we were having; and as much as I enjoyed our random little make out sessions, I enjoyed her company more and I didn't want to lose that.
"Santana" I breathed out pulling away. She took me by the collar of my dress shirt and pulled me back in. I turned my face making her lips land on my cheek. That didn't stop her though, and she started to make a trail of wet kisses towards my ear. I shuddered hard and she chuckled. "You—you need to stop"
"Why? You're clearly enjoying this" She said taking my earlobe between her teeth. I closed my eyes tightly fisting my hands on my skirt trying to ignore the tingling all over my body.
"You're drunk and upset. We shouldn't be doing this."
"Who said I'm upset?" Santana asked pulling away enough to look me in the eyes and a smirk adorned her face. "I admit that I'm drunk but upset? Nu-huh."
She tried to kiss me again and I stopped her with my hands on her shoulders. Santana rolled her eyes letting herself fall over the windshield.
"You suck. You should stop thinking. Stop being a prude and get the stick you have up your fucking ass out. Not even alcohol can do that to you."
"Now you're just talking just for the sake of talking" I said taking the discarded sweater and starting to fold it. Santana took it brusquely away from hands.
"Stop" She said throwing it over her shoulder.
"Santana!" I shrieked trying to reach out for it only to realize it was a wrong move to lean over Santana's body to get off the car. She pulled me into her making me released a loud squeal when I fell completely over her body.
"Now is better" Santana whispered, her mouth connecting with my neck. She had me pressed against her body using both her arms that were wrapped securely around my waist.
"Santana, le-let me go." I said giggling because of the way she was tickling me with the graze of her lips against the skin of my neck.
She pulled away from my neck with her eyebrows raised. "Maybe when you starts sounding like you don't like this"
"Santana, seriously stop!" I repetead again trying to sound firm but she started tickling me again making me giggle. "You're drunk"
"WE"
"WE are drunk and we're on a public place and-"
"Are you saying you'd let me do this if we were on a private place?"
"No! that's not what I meant!" I shouted alarmed still trying to free myself from her grip. I was starting to feel hot and I needed space because I didn't trust the way my body was choosing to react to Santana's attentions.
"I'm sure that's exactly what you meant" Santana insisted leaving wet kisses along my jaw. I closed my eyes breathing heavily trying to gather enough strength to pull her away once again. I was near to just caving in and let her do whatever she wanted with me. "Just stop thinking."
"No. this-this is not right. This..." I stopped pushing away from her body with force only to stumble to the side and falling off the car when Santana finally released my waist. I shrieked loudly landing on my side on the floor, hearing Santana cracking up from above.
"That's what you get for being a bitch and not letting me get my sweet lady kisses…" Santana trailed off falling into silence. I frowned while I stood up from the ground looking around for the sweater.
I found it a couple of steps away. I picked it up and threw it inside the car. "We should go home now. I don't want to think in what would happen if dad and daddy decided to go home tonight"
Santana didn't utter a word.
"Santana?"
"How, hobbit? We'll kill each other if we drive like this."
"Then stop drinking" I said taking the bottle away from her when she was about to take another sip from it. "Gimme the lid."
She rolled her eyes and put it over my extended hand.
"Let's go, it's getting late." I said while pulling at her legs making her sit on the edge of the car's hood. "I'm driving."
"You sure?" She asked giving me the keys.
"Yes, we'll be fine. Now take your jacket and let's go. You're staying over."
"Wait" Santana said stopping me by the shoulder. She took her jacket and passed it over my shoulders. "There."
I felt my cheeks burning as I watched into her dark eyes. She smiled at me and pushed me back by the shoulders leaving enough space for her to climb off the car.
I was frozen there. The night had been so strange and I didn't want to dwell on these odd feelings and the reaction my body was having towards Santana. It wasn't like they were new, the problem was that they were becoming stronger since that evening they ended up kissing over the twister mat, that day I kissed her out of pure impulse, simply because I felt like doing it. Anyone would have felt the urge to kiss her having her so close; her intense and shiny dark eyes looking down at you and her inviting lips begging you to kiss them. I closed my eyes shuddering at the memory and took a deep breath. This couldn't be happening. Not with Santana. She couldn't be doing those little things that only made me want to have her even more closer to me.
The honk of the car made me jump startled. I looked at Santana who was already settled inside and was pointing towards the driver seat. I sighed walking towards it.
Once I entered the choir room the first thing I noticed was Puck smirking at me and patting the seat at one of his sides. I saw Santana sitting at his other side with her legs over his lap, her arms crossed and a pair of sunglasses covering her eyes. I walked towards them taking the seat Puck was offering.
"Hey, Hot Jew, how's it going?"
"Hi, Puck" I frowned when Santana stayed silent. I looked at Puck questioningly.
"She's gone. Guess she had an amazing weekend. Actually, I was hoping you could tell me about it" Puck said wriggling his eyebrows only to groan seconds later when Santana hit his stomach with one of her legs.
"Shut up and stop being a gross excuse for a human being." Santana drawled out lifting her sunglasses. I chuckled shaking slightly my head.
"Couldn't sleep last night?"
Santana shook her head and put her sunglasses on again. "I'm just hangover. I had a party last night. You both should stop talking, you're making my head hurt."
In the brief moment she took her sunglasses off I could see she was upset. Her eyes looked tired and sad. I let my eyes travel through the room looking for the possible reason. Brittany was just hanging with Mike and Time while Artie chatted with Blaine. There was something else then, she was usually this grumpy when Brittany and Artie were all over each other.
Mr. Schue entering the room caught my attention because a frown was marrying his features which usually meant he screwed up bad with Miss Pillsbury or the Glee club was in trouble.
"It's official, guys. Mercedes left us."
I wasn't surprised. I knew Shelby was looking for talented people for her Glee Club and I'd heard the rumors. I just didn't think she would leave us. I looked in Kurt's direction and found him looking back with a cold stare. I looked to the front again ready to scold Mr. Schue for his poor job with Mercedes but Santana beat me to it.
"It's your fault, Mr. Schue. You were the one pushing her until she cracked."
"Santana-"
"I completely agree with Santana, Mr. Schue. I heard about what happened in the auditorium and I must say you were extremely unsupportive." I said crossing my arms.
"Of course you would agree with Santana" Kurt mumbled.
"Excuse me?"
Kurt laughed humorlessly and looked back at me. "I don't think I need to remind you that the problem with Mercedes isn't Mr. Schue but you! Which makes all of this your fault. If you would've just back off, she wouldn't have felt the necessity to leave our glee club and join Ms. Corcoran's"
"And I don't think I need to remind you that it was wheezy there who didn't accept to share the role that Rachel was so willing to share" Santana spoke up. I looked towards surprised. The fact that she was defending me in front of all of the glee club made me feel so content.
"Alright, guys, this—"
"What a lovely family we have here, Mr. Schue, exactly how you describe it, or not?"
Mr. Schue let out a long breath pinching the bridge of his nose as we all turned towards the door where Quinn was leaning looking amused.
"Q? Are you joining us today?" Brittany asked out loud, her voice cheerful.
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about this too." Mr. Schue said. "We lost Mercedes but Quinn's joining us again."
I smiled at Quinn as she found my eyes. My smile widened when she smiled slightly at me.
"Take a sit, Quinn"
"Yay!" Brittany exclaimed excited bouncing out of her seat and towards Quinn leading her towards the empty seat beside her.
"I thought you were over with this "fuckery" as you so nicely put it" Santana said out loud taking her sunglasses off and staring at Quinn.
Quinn smirked. "Actually, Mr. Schue bribed me into this."
"Alright" Mr. Schue said laughing nervously. "I did not. I only… no."
He cleared his throat uncomfortably and I giggled when all the guys chuckled at his awkwardness. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Quinn who was now looking back at me with a grin. Had she really consider coming back because of what I told her at the party? Probably. The way she was looking at me was as if she was trying to make something clear.
I broke our eye contact only to find a pair of brown ones that were looking at me coldly. Santana put her sunglasses on and put her legs off Puck's lap sitting straight and crossing her arms.
Mr. Schue clearing his throat brought my attention back to him. He was blushing to his ears and it was embarrassing.
"Alright, enough is enough" He said still chuckling uncomfortably. "What we need now is to stop getting into arguments all the time. We need to be strong and together if we want to win sectionals. By the way, where's Finn?" He asked, looking around the room.
I honestly didn't notice he wasn't in the room and it was odd because he never missed Glee. It was his favorite time of the day.
"Ask Rachel" Kurt said lowly. I rolled my eyes at his sarcastic tone.
"Come on, Kurt" Blaine said sounding tired. I didn't think he was more tired than I was.
"No, Blaine, I'm just so sick that all the things she do always affect us somehow and just because she doesn't think in anyone feelings but hers"
"I think you should just stop and—"
"No, let him, Blaine, let him take out his anger but I want you to have something very clear, Kurt. It is not your problem what happened between Finn and I." I said finally reaching my limit. I was very tired of listening them blame me for every problem the glee club had. It was always my fault no matter what it was and this time it wasn't me being self-centered. "And if I slept or not with Santana is my business not yours, so I'll appreciate it if you would just keep your sarcastic comments to yourself"
"Lovely family" Quinn muttered with a chuckle.
"Are you guys done? Mr. Schue spoke up. "From now on I am establishing a sacred rule and none of you are allowed to break it." He walked to the white board. "We're not talking about romantic relationships unless is through song." He finished pressing more than necessary the marker on the dot.
"We're not allowed to express ourselves now?" Tina asked.
"Unless it's through a song, no, you're not allowed to talk about it inside of this room. Unless you're expressing yourselves with a song you aren't allowed to bring your issues into this room. It's clear you guys don't know how to handle things together without starting a war." Mr. Schue said. "Now… we're going to start with the assignment."
"Are you coming over later?" I asked Santana once Glee hour was over.
"Can't. Have plans" She said starting to walk. I was having troubles keeping her pace.
"Oh well, I guess we can hang out tomorrow. I was hoping you would be my partner for the assignment." I told her frowning at her indifferent attitude.
"Probably"
"Thank you for defending me, by the way. It was nice." I smiled even when she wasn't even throwing a quick glance back at me.
We reached her car and she just threw open the driver's seat door.
"Whatever, Rachel, see you tomorrow." Santana said putting her sunglasses on and entering the car.
I opened my mouth to stop her but it was useless. When Santana was on this mood it was hard to talk to her. So I simply nodded stepping away from the car.
I was scrolling through my songs' folder when a knock on the door made me look back. I smiled big at seeing my daddy on the door. My smiled fell when I saw what he had on his hands, it was the sweater I was using friday night, the one Santana ruined.
"Daddy?"
"Do I need to ask?" He said looking up at me with a worried expression on his face.
I completely forgot about that sweater. He probably found it on his car. At least he was the one who found it and not dad.
"I… I can't lie to you, can I?" I asked.
Daddy shook his head and sighed. "This tells me you already did but I'm letting it pass. Just… if you're going out tell us, alright? Don't lie to us. Don't make your dad doubt in you and your friendship with Santana. He doesn't-"
"Like her, I know"
"It's not that, darling, it's just…"
"I know you guys preferred when I hung out with the Hummels or Mercedes, but things are different now and Santana is my friend. I can say I'm sorry I lie about where I was friday night but not because she's my friend."
"I'm just saying I'm worried. You never lied to us. Don't let her make you do it now. Finn never did."
I sighed hanging my head.
"Is she coming today?
"No" I said shortly turning towards my computer again. "Please don't leave the door open."
"Don't be mad."
"I'm not." I told him, my tone harder than I intended for it to be.
"Alright" He said and I looked back feeling guilty when I heard the click of the door.
Daddy should be the one getting mad and not me. I was the one who disobeyed and he's the adult. The thing was, I was really tired of people having something to say about my friendship with Santana. Why? Because she wasn't the typical golden kid like Finn or Kurt? Because she couldn't just express her feelings any other way than by being somewhat cruel and sarcastic? Because to me that was Santana. A person so afraid to express what she was feeling that she acted the wrong way most of the time. I accepted that side of her and if I chose to spend my time with her no one had the right to say anything about it.
I sighed shaking my head, willing myself to concentrate on the assignment for Glee Club.
The assignment was about ballads. Mr. schue wanted us to find a good one so we all could decide which one we would be doing for sectionals. He didn't group us up but he said he wouldn't be opposed to us working together. He didn't sound too hopeful when he said that, by the way.
I took my phone ready to call Santana and be sure if she wanted to work with me so I could find options that suited both our voices, when I certain song caught my attention.
Faithfully. Finn.
I clicked on it and music started to fill the air. I scrolled up my directory and clicked on Finn's name.
Truth was, I was really worried that he didn't show up at glee club and even when I promised myself not to call him or reach out for him to give both of us space, I couldn't just ignore his absence.
The phone rang a couple of times before he answered.
"Rach?" Finn asked sounding surprised. I smiled softly at hearing his voice, at hearing him call me by the nickname he had for me. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I answered softly. "How are you, Finn? I was really worried you didn't come to Glee today. Is everything alright?"
Finn stayed silent and I frowned taking the phone out of my ear to see if the call was still on. It was so I put it back on hearing him sigh.
"Why is that important to you? We…" Finn trailed off growling and a strange metal sound echoed through the speaker. I looked at the hour. I completely forgot he was working at the moment.
"Go attend your call, buddy, I got it" I could hear Mr. Hummel in the back.
"Thanks, Burt" Finn said weakly. "Look, Rachel, I wasn't today in glee because I…"
"You don't really need to tell me, Finn, it probably was a mistake to call you. I'm sorry."
"I miss you" He said abruptly stopping me from hanging up. "I miss you and Glee is becoming harder every day."
"Finn-"
"I don't think I can anymore and to add to all of that, I feel like I'm wasting my time there, Rach. I'm not as good as the rest of you. I feel useless. I need to put my energy on things that I'm good enough for, like this, my work. No more football, no more Glee" he said and I closed my eyes tightly feeling my chest getting heavy for hearing him say all of that with such hopelessness tainting his voice.
"I told you already, Finn. You're good and you will find a new dream worthy enough for you to fight for it. But you don't have to quit glee. You like it there. You told me once it made you feel alive, it made you feel good. So don't do this to yourself, don't quit." I told him hearing his breathing becoming ragged with each second that passed.
"Are you gonna be with me again?" Finn asked his voice finally breaking. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. I could tell he was going through so much pain.
"Finn…"
"I love you."
"I know. I know you do. I…" I trailed off closing my eyes and clutching at the phone.
"I love you" He repeated.
"I love you too" I whispered. "But I can't offer you anything more than a friendship. I'm sorry"
"Rach…"
"I'm sorry" I told him hanging up.
It was a terrible mistake for me to call him. I should have just left him alone. He had the right to make his own decisions and he had people who loved him and would be there to help him with his insecurities. But I was worried and I called him just because of that; just because I needed to know. Maybe kurt was right, maybe all this mess was really my fault.
I broke down in sobs burying my face on my hands. I heard Faithfully start again since I forgot to turn off the repeat on the player. I let it play remembering the first time he ever said I love you to me.
I was lying down on my side on the bed, my headphones on thought music wasn't playing. Shorty was made a ball in front of me purring at the way I was caressing his ears.
I saw the door opening and waited. I frowned when Santana entered the room with a glass of water on her hand.
"Your dad told me to give you this" Santana said approaching the bed. Shorty stood up and stretched, sitting straight and looking at Santana.
"I thought you had plans"
Santana shrugged putting the glass of water on the nightstand. "They got cancelled."
I nodded and she sat on the bed, caressing Shorty's head. Her eyes landed suddenly on me and she studied my face for a while. I looked away from her and silently waited for her to say something.
"You've been crying." She said after a moment. "What happened? Something with your dad? He was a little distant and Hiram never treated me that way"
"He knows about friday night"
"Did you tell him?"
"No, he found the sweater you soaked with Tequila. He's not stupid." I told her scowling.
"That's why you are so upset? Did he ground you? Should I go apologize to him or-"
"I called Finn" I interrupted her rambling. That was the last of my problems.
"Why?"
"That's the same question I've been asking myself: why? Why call him and make everything worse?" I said softly lying back down on my back. "I shouldn't have called him, this is still hard for him and his feelings are hurt because of me."
"What about your feelings?" Santana asked softly. "He hurt your feelings too."
"Perhaps that's the problem. That I only think about me. About my feelings, about what I want." I said feeling tears starting to leave my eyes. The bed moved under Santana's weight and I looked to the side finding her lying in the same position as me. She just stayed silent, her eyes encouraging me to keep talking, to let it all out. I couldn't keep looking into them so I looked up at the ceiling. "I… I didn't think… I wasn't thinking clearly when I came up with that plan. I was blinded by my pain. He hurt me so bad, I wanted to make him feel the same way. See? I was only thinking in myself. And now, after I heard him so… broken today, I need for him to stop hurting, for him to feel good again. I just…" I had to stop because my voice broke so violently I wasn't sure I could keep talking anymore. Santana took my hand and laced our fingers together squeezing it hard. "Is this ever going to stop chasing me, Santana? Is it so bad what I did?"
Santana turned to her side facing me and with her free hand she pulled at my shoulder making me do the same. "Then let it go. Don't think about it again."
"I know you don't understand. I know he is just a worthless person in your eyes and the only thing you see in him are flaws, but I don't. He's important to me." I breathed out seeing a change in her expression, a slight change that made her eyes hardened a little bit. "I had hurt so many people. I'm aware of that but I don't like when I hurt the ones I love so deeply"
Santana scooted even closer and hesitantly lifted her hand wiping the tears in my cheeks slowly with her fingers. The gentle touch making me close my eyes.
"I accept that he's a good person." Santana finally said her voice a soft whisper. "Even when most of the time, just like my abuela says, what he built with his hands he destroys it with his feet. But you're right, he's a good person, I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything" I told her, my eyes still closed.
"I'm still sorry."
I opened my eyes and she was looking back at me with a small smile on her lips.
"Thank you" I whispered. She shook her head.
"How about we start working on glee's assignment?" she asked. I couldn't help but smile. It was inevitable for me not to.
"So, do you want to work with me?"
"Sure" Santana grinned letting her hand travel down to my neck and all along my arm making me shudder.
Now that my mood was a lot better, I realized how intimate I found that little gesture. I felt my cheeks getting hot and I smiled nervously at her. Santana seemed to notice that because she pulled completely away.
"Have you thought about a song yet?"
"Santana?" I called her suddenly realizing she'd been comforting me since she came and she was probably still upset because of whatever happened to her over the weekend.
"Yes?"
"Are you alright? I mean, I've been crying and just talking about me." I told her. She looked back with a small smile.
"I'm fine. Let's pick a song. Our ballad needs to be on that sectional's set list"
I watched her got out of the bed and walk towards my open laptop. She was so quiet that evening. I took a deep breath, she probably cancelled her plans because she needed someone; or I was probably just imagining things. However, I could tell there was something because there were days when she'd just come here and she'd be oddly quiet. We would just have dinner with my dads and lie down afterwards to watch a movie and didn't talk about anything at all. Today seemed like one of those days.
Santana was still this really difficult puzzle and I couldn't say just by a few weeks I spent with her that I was near to figure her out but I wanted to. I wanted to because it was worth it. She was worthy. She deserved someone caring for her. She was worthy and I was more than willing to do it.