The next morning, Bella's awake before me as usual, stretching out like a star and curling closer in my arms. Her nose and cheek and lips over my heart wake its pace.
The sun isn't up yet, but the sky is glowing when I open my eyes. Our walls, our blankets and my girl are all hazy dark blue.
What home used to be for love, the painful panic that took her from me yesterday is gone now, and she's whispering to me about dreaming we were on the moon, eating fruit roll ups with Franz Kafka, and I love the way she says it.
Kahff-kah.
"With who?" I ask, shifting, waking further.
She leans away from my bare chest, looking up with deep-set eyes are that still dreamy and gleaming.
"Kafka," she says again, just the same.
My smile breaks into a chuckle.
The f and the k together make me think of fuck, and I've never heard her say it. I can't help wanting to know what it would sound like in her mouth and how it would feel on my lips.
"Say it again," I whisper, dropping my eyes to her lips and stealing a kiss.
She giggles, but she does. She says it, and we're laughing. We kiss, and I tickle her so she'll say it over and over, and the quicker in succession she says it, all breathless in love, the closer to fuck it sounds.
Out of air and pleading mercy, Bella shows me the best, most stellar, most incomparable smile. She kisses me good morning, and it so is. She was tender around the edges yesterday, but my girl's heart is stronger than all the dark that's been cut into it. She's lighthearted and free spirited here and now.
After one pineapple split seven ways, more strawberry pancakes than I can count, twice as many bong bowls and more than a few hours later, Bella and her best friend are napping. Mikey, Senna and Mackenna are in the lake, and I'm out back with Paul, making sure six metal handlebars are secure.
It's the hottest part of the day, but tucked between the mountains, right on the water, it never gets too hot here. The worst part of the summer heat is my own too-long uncut hair bothering the backs of my ears.
I think about asking love to cut it tonight, and about sitting next to her on the couch just a bit ago, blowing my hits across her neck. Bella doesn't smoke or drink, or any of that, but she loves the smell. And she loves feeling so surrounded by me.
Paul's crouched in the grass opposite me, checking and double checking everything. The eight by eight wooden tabletop shape is between us, and finally finished. We built it together, but Paul's the architecture major. He constructed the thing. I'm just the journalism major who smooths rough edges out.
Showing love-to-me everything love can do is all I want to major in.
"Ready?" Paul asks.
"Yeah," I answer, working my fingers between smooth oak and green earth.
Carrying it a few feet to our left, we place the tabletop shape on the ground-bolted base and stand up straight.
And laugh.
Because we built a fucking merry-go-round.
"Think it's alright?" I ask, pushing the edge of the roundabout with my shoe.
"Yeah," Paul answers, lifting his hat and combing through his equally-uncut hair. "Only one way to know, right?"
My grin breaks into another laugh as he takes off running around the circle. I jump on first, but Paul's up on the opposite side just as quickly, and we're cracking up like we're six.
If it can spin like this and hold us, it can easily hold Doe and Bella.
Paul hangs back, cleaning up while I head inside.
Our kitchen sounds like Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix and smells like dank grass, sunscreen and fresh towels. There's a game of rummy spread between Doe's two bottles of Corona and Bella's Capri-Sun, and she brings it to her lips like she could even hide her smile as I step inside. She looks like she's consciously resisting the urge run into my arms, and it heats my skin warmer than sunlight.
Licking my lips, I'm about to invite them out, but Doe speaks first.
"Oh my gosh, is it ready?" she asks, wide-eyed and smiling wider.
"C'mon." I nod, smiling too.
They're a rush of giggles as they head outside. Grabbing Bella's Capri-Sun, I finish what's left of it and follow a few steps behind, watching them race to the roundabout.
I've been through more than my share of girls, and hands and heart, senses and soul, I'm only Bella's now. I'm for only her, but – the sound of her spinning with her best friend is pretty fucking beautiful. So-blonde and sun kissed-brown crowns tossed back, tummy-tickled joy comes all the way up from little girl-bellies, and Tulip has the best laugh in the whole world. It's light and bright, and so full – like a daffodil cup opening up for its first sip of ultraviolet love.
Every giggle and titter and inhale for more lifts me higher.
My girl told me once she feels like she's made of broken pieces. She doesn't think she's innocent at all, but she is. The dark she's been through at the hands of those who were only supposed to love her is why she can only sleep for a few hours at a time. It's part of her ingrained inclination toward quiet, and why she can't handle anyone who isn't me or Doe coming even close to touching her. It's why her kiss is the very bravest kiss, and why she's scared to come, and why we start with our hands. It's why two years feel like just the very start of my patience. Her scars run deep, but they're not all of who she is, not by a long shot. The love growing in her heart is far from pieces.
It's only wholesome.
Bella's sinned against, not broken. Not stained or unclean. She's only beautiful, perfect inside and out, and virgin in the purest sense of the word. She's a miracle made only for love. Her joy is a grace to be in the presence of, and a gift I'm soul-deeply thankful she lets me share in.
We've slowed down and are sitting together when Senna and Mackenna come outside. Paul spins them while I head in, thirsty. I want a shower and clean clothes, and they're all leaving soon for the party down at the pier I've no intention of going to.
Laughter and light follow me into the house through open windows. I grab water from the fridge, and it's like a drink for my whole body. I haven't smoked since this morning, but we're all pretty perpetually lifted, and love's laugh gets me sky high.
Tossing the water bottle, I pour Jeremiah Weed over ice and head upstairs. I drink it in the shower, and shave while the bathroom is still full of steam. What's left of it follows me out as I pull on boxer-briefs and glance outside to see Bella sitting criss-cross applesauce in the center of the roundabout. Long sunny brown's pulled up in high ponytail and there's a pink bikini bow around her neck. It's cool enough out for the light white sweater covering her arms and middle, and warm enough for bare legs to curve from faded short-shorts.
She turns a page with her right hand, and I smile.
I wonder if she could come that way, while she's reading, and I think if I held my girl in my lap, all the way close while she held a book, anything might be fucking possible.
Maybe if I read to her...
Stepping into fitted denim and a white tee, socks and shoes, I leave my hat and grab my glass, Bella's iPod and my headphones.
Sweet pea and afternoon sunshine float through the house as I move through it, surrounding me when I get back outside. Tall trees and miles of mountains are black silhouettes backlit by deep blue-purple sky, and I hear cicadas and a bullfrog, and the breeze moving through leaves.
Bella looks up when my steps creak patio stairs. She smiles at me like I'm the only one anywhere who speaks her language.
Her glow only grows as I step from the stairs into air that's still resonating with joy. When I reach her, I move slowly so she knows, but I don't hesitate to uncriss-cross applesauce and tug her gently to the edge of the roundabout. Leaving her book behind, soft legs part and bend open at pretty knees while lavender-tipped toes wiggle freely against the ankles of my jeans. Love giggles, and I want to pour my whole self into that bright little cup.
"Hi, little summertime," I say quietly, a little buzzed and barely containing the want to kiss as I place both hands on iron bars and lean in.
"Hi," she says so sweetly. "Hi," she repeats with a smile, reaching up to touch just shaved chin skin with the softest fingertips.
I all but melt into the contact.
Under mine, her smile parts, and her pupils open the smallest bit more.
"Can I spin you?" I ask, leaning closer, right over her, licking my lips and tightening my grip on bars while my whole body circulates and proliferates desire.
Just to kiss.
And be kissed.
My girl sees me. She knows, and she wants, too.
True to her quiet nature, little tiptoes nods her head and leans up, giving me petal-pink and twice as delicate lips.
She ducked away the first time I tried, but this affection was so much more than worth waiting for. Tulip loves sinking into every kiss now, and there's no rush. There's no doubt or guilt between us, and there are no fractions. All of our one steps forward, two steps back, are in no way a burden.
To love this miracle is more than enough.
The wind blows around us, and I smile against Bella's lips. I kiss the corner of her mouth chastely before leaning up and taking her iPod from my pocket. All admiration, curiosity and trust, she looks up as I place headphones over her ears.
I asked if I could spin her, and I meant it.
Following her breathing for any sign of apprehension as I adjust the headband to better fit her crown, I watch her eyes too, watching me. I steal another kiss before standing straight, and scroll through her playlists until I find her favorite summer mix. Skipping to a song she loves almost as much as books and kissing, I meet her eyes.
"Ready?" I ask.
When she nods, I lift bare feet onto the smooth wooden surface, press play, and tuck the iPod into Bella's hands.
The same time I take off, so does her laugh.
While deep synths and soft beats surround love, I dig my feet into the earth and spin her 'round. She keeps both hands on the bars, but her smile is open and floating out loud, lifting me higher and making the world itself a better place to be.
Letting go after a few spins, I stand back and watch. Even as she slows, Bella doesn't let go. But her shoulders shimmy a little, and her smile glows, and she finds my eyes with every turn.
I chase her a few steps before giving her another spin all the way around.
When she's out of breath and back on the slow-down, I grab hold of the bars once more. Dilated dark irises and soft giggles chasing softer breaths make devotion pulse through me.
I want to lift her higher.
I want to make the world a better place for her, too.
As she takes the headphones down, I lean so close her laugh touches my lips. Her smile opens, and she lets go of the bars to hold both sides of my face, smiling so high her eyes squint up.
"Wanna go again?" I ask, smiling just as high.
Top teeth in her bottom lip, she nods, and I bring the headphones back up with a kiss.
I spin her, and spin her, and she laughs, and laughs, and I swear it's a sound that could settle wars.
She's turning slowly when the sun starts to really dip. I stop her in front of me, and she takes my headphones down once more. I crouch to be eye-level, but she's slightly taller than me from this angle.
It's fucking adorable.
"Dizzy?" I ask, smiling as I search her look.
Even further out of breath and drunk on spinning, love's excited eyes are half-hidden by exhausted lids. She nods as she smiles wide and touches my face again.
Slowly so she's aware, I move my hands from the bars and uncriss-cross her legs so they dangle over the edge again. I want more of her, but it's an awkward angle. I don't want to lose balance, but I think about laying my love back right here, and leaning over her. I imagine naked, summer-lit skin blushed pretty pink, and I want her.
Right here.
Between sundown and the merry-go-round, with the water so close and the breeze all around, and dizzy-spins still tickling her tummy...
Bella would love that.
I know she would.
Curling her fingers into my hair, summertime hums, and I press the soles of my shoes into the ground to anchor myself. Just barely touching our smiles together, I use my lips to open hers a little further, and she kisses me so deeply I feel my pulse between my shoulders.
Balancing with my left hand around a bar, I place my right gently around her waist, brushing my thumb back and forth over her sweater, and when she opens for a deeper kiss, I grip her side and guide her toward me.
I want her palms.
I want her open eyes, open heart...
I want her bare.
I want to make her come right here, just like this, with my hands all over her and my name in her mouth.
I want to try -
"Masen," she whispers, using strong-soft hands to bring me closer.
"Right here," I whisper back, shifting my stance, aching to lean forward. "I'm right here," I promise, rubbing my thumb over the top of soft denim while she holds my face, keeping my lips over hers.
I kiss her deeper, longing and breath generously shared between lips and over hums. My girl holds me to herself, and her grip where my shoulders start, on the bends on both sides of my neck, sinks through my skin and seeps like heat into my bloodstream. I go from half-hard to totally ardent in heartbeat. I can't help scooping her off the roundabout and standing us both up.
I don't care what we do.
I don't care if all we touch are hands.
I don't care if we spend the whole night talking about what she was reading before I came down - I just want to do it closer than this. I want her in our bed.
Bella smiles so high as I take her right hand in my left.
We head inside, and with the door closed behind us, this girl is ridiculously cute trying to walk backwards and keep her eyes on mine at the same time. She misses a step trying to go up the stairs that way, but I catch her, and sunset-warm legs wrap around my waist. She's pure summer in my arms, giggling so deeply I swear I can feel her tummy-tickle.
And I want to fuck her all the way through it.
She slides slowly against me while I climb the last few stairs. Left arm around her back, I keep her cheek in my right hand, tracing the corner of the best smile with my thumb. I glance from bright eyes to make-out-pouty lips, slipping steady little breaths like silent sunshine dripping through leaves down onto a page.
Everything in me says kiss her, and when I do, she kisses the same way she's breathing, lips and tongue as soft as dappled fucking sunlight.
My shoulder bumps a wall as I walk without sight, made of kissing and never wanting to stop.
Everyone's gone, but I close our door just to press her against it, and the sound she makes along my lips is so fervent I feel it resonate in each of my ribs.
I feel like I can't kiss her deeply enough. The back of my mind is thinking I should slow down, but she's holding onto me like she can't either, and it feels so fucking good to give love what she needs.
"Are you still dizzy?" I ask, forehead on hers, hips below her hips – the center of all that's most sacred to me pressed against the bottom of my stomach instead of where I need her most.
Bella nods, watching my eyes. Hers shine as I guide her head all the way back, and her smile opens with a breath under mine.
"Can I spin you harder?" I ask, lashes low and whispering lower, so sore to push where my heart's beating into soft, soft sunshine.
"Mhmm," she nods, securing her arms around my neck. "Yes, yes..."
Permission between her lips, behind her teeth and on her tongue makes my pulse kick like a bass drum. Every beat drops heavily to the two syllables of her name, coursing through me and crowding together between my hips. I'm so hard my cock feels like a weight, and I want to give it to her so fucking badly.
I'd help her take it.
I'd help Bella through anything.
I want everything with her.
Everything.
Eyes barely open, I place my right hand carefully on her side and brace my left on the door above her shoulder to keep her from sliding up as I step forward. The most stellar smile opens wider as love takes a deep breath, delicate lashes fluttering as I steady my feet. The nearness moves her body down mine, and when my girl is where I need her, I can't keep from sinking forward.
Back pressed against our door, Bella's head falls forward to my shoulder, and she makes a sound that's all longing. She clings to me like I'm everything, and I feel her tummy still tickling and her heart beating just like mine. Between her fingers in my hair and her breath on my neck, my blood sings. My cock feels like it throbs, and the toes of my shoes bump our door as I try to step closer.
I need to be.
I want under her skin so fucking bad.
Love that makes my heart wild keens under my ear.
"I can't help it," I whisper, burying my face in her neck and my weight between her legs, so caught up. "You're so pretty like this, Bella. You're so fucking, fucking pretty..."
Summertime sings, and all I am is love that aches to give and fill and flow inside sunlight.
I lift my hips, and warm breath under my ear calls me back. I return heavier, and Bella's heartbeat races while her legs fall open.
"Fuck." It comes out when I breathe in love's innocent instinct to let me inside.
My girl can barely breathe, but she's saying please with her whole body, and I'm made of innocent instinct, too.
"Fuck, Bella," it comes out again as I lift and push harder, feeling how my girl can barely breathe because she's pleading with her whole body.
"Fuck," I groan, rocking as slowly as I can stand to.
"Fuck, fuck, baby, girl, fuck -" Sliding my hand to Bella's hip, I angle her right under me and hold her still there so she can feel what we both need.
Tiny whimpers chase tinier gasps, and I don't have to see love smiling to know she is. I hear her.
Kissing with the very lightest scrape of teeth over her earlobe, I push forward into nearness that makes her open further, and lets me fit better, and sends us both spinning.
Singing under my ear and letting me move us, love's little waves of surrender are slipping between every breath, and I want to tell her I'm here, and she's only mine. I want to assure her it's okay, and she feels so good. I want to steady her with my voice, but all I can do is move.
Keeping her braced and lifted, I drag teeth and lips to the side of her open smile, and lean all my gravity into her. It breaks her voice before it's out of her throat, and the sound that floats from her lips to mine is desperate, shivering and hopeful and so fucking sexy.
I want to tell her to open her eyes, to look at me, but I'm still made only of movement. So, I dig through denim instead, stroking two years of patience, passion and burnished fucking yearning against so-cherished, so-chaste sex instead.
Bella's lips open into a petal-pink circle, and her lashes flutter up, showing me overflowing faith.
Eyes on hers, anchoring love to love with all the passion my pulse flows from, I rock slower, harder, the same way I would if there was nothing between us. I move steadily and purposefully, determined to show her how deep this can go, how good it's going to be, and she opens to let me.
"Fuck, baby," I groan, dropping my forehead to hers. I'm trying to hold on for both of us, but I can't even hold my eyes open. The tightness in my stomach twists tighter with every push, and my heartbeat's pounding just as loudly in my eardrums as it is brimming in my cock. I can feel it: the want to move and fill, and overfill, burning into the need to come and come, and come. It's so strong it's dizzying, and it isn't just me.
"I feel you," I promise, pushing slower, heavier so that I'm all the way against and aching to get completely between. Her chin shakes and her legs tremble around me. Cherished fingers curl into my hair, trying to pull me closer while love rocks her hips in natural, helplessly pleading little tilts.
"All around me," I whisper, pressing forward to give her more. "I can feel you all fucking over me, Bella. I feel you, girl, and I'm right here. I'm right here, baby. Right here..."
We push and rock, and ride together.
We kiss and grip, and I lift her higher.
And the need to be and slide and come inside this love is taxing my ability to stand and see straight.
I can't hear anything but breathless little pleas, and I can't feel anything but so fucking close.
Pinning Bella between our door and the weight of my heartbeats, I uncross her wrists from the back of my neck and open curled-up fingers to bend mine between them. Palm to palm tightly under mine, summertime sighs and I press the backs of her hands over her head, wordlessly clear in my want to try.
Her sounds don't change, but she ducks a little.
It's the smallest movement, but it's loud as a siren to my heart.
My stomach clenches and burns, and my dick fucking aches as my bones brace to straighten in the midst of unreadiness.
Tulip shakes her head as I tense up and slow down, though. She brushes her lips from my mine to my chin, to my neck. Nuzzling with her nose and sweetly hungering kisses, she sends my pulse from the brakes into overdrive.
The most important hands cup the corners of my jaw, and I tilt my head back for clavicle and Adam's apple kisses. Securing her legs around my waist, shifting in the ease I've given, Bella covers my collarbones with yearningly adoring kisses, tugging lightly on my collar with her right hand and sliding her left down the front of my tee-shirt. My heart skips with anticipation, and the contact her fingers make with the bottom of my stomach is still more than it can handle. She opens her fingers there, and the press-slide of her palm along my skin makes my heart trip and fall so hard gravity can't hold me. I sink so heavily she slides up our door.
Both our lips open for the sound love makes. My shirt comes up with her left hand, and I hold her in place with my hips long enough to pull tee-shirt cotton over my head. Both her hands are on my skin then, and I love when she touches me. I fucking
love
the way this girl touches me.
I want to tell her, but with her hands on my chest, holding the life I'd give for her in palms I fall deeper for with every touch, I can't find my voice. I can't find or feel anything but the miracle she is.
Forehead in her neck, breathing in laurel and vanilla and girl, I place both hands over her shoulders and step close again, talking to her with heavily slow strokes between her legs. Eyes closed, I slide into every movement, and bask in her touch.
Heaven is up, up, all the way up, and I could come just like this.
Just from her touch.
I could.
Tulip kisses from my chin to my sternum, though, and my eyes open as my heart races with recognition and understanding.
She wakes me like this sometimes, in the middle of the night. All nestling open lips and tracing, trailing fingertips, she kisses from the corner of my mouth down to where I'm always so hard, and shows me love with the most worshipful kisses.
But never like this.
She curls low at my side and kisses my ache slow and deep in our bed between dreams. Daylight's never touched this admiration, and I've never stood above my girl.
When I lean up and turn around, though, she slides from my arms and my stomach goes right with her. When I place bare feet on our floor, she shifts so effortlessly from her soles to her knees that my own almost give out.
Shuffling a few steps back, my shoulders hit our door, and our whole room sways when she touches my belt. Her fingers tugging leather from my buckle make my ankles shake, but I don't take my hands from her hair or my eyes from hers.
Summertime doesn't bat her lashes or bite her lip. She looks up with entirely openhearted eyes, wanting me to see her smile when she kisses the bottom of my stomach, just above my jeans.
She wants to give me this.
Little Tulip with the daffodil cup laugh, loves giving me this.
I can't blink, and lips I can't close are dry with breaths I can barely breathe as she opens both sides of my belt. My calves shake with my ankles and my head falls back, heavy under the weight of lashes I can't keep up. I feel both of her hands cup me, though, rubbing the shape of me through my jeans, and my eyes open to hers again.
I want to swallow so I can breathe, but my throat is too full of my pulse for air to get through.
Eyes on mine, setting sunlight and the wild sweet pea breeze all around us, Bella brushes small kisses so soft it's not even close to fair across the bottom of my stomach. She uses both hands to palm everything she can of my cock, and my voice comes out in a broken groan.
"Bella -"
She smiles higher, her breath warming where she's kissed.
Worthy, her eyes promise so lovingly, and I know even as she drops them, her heart is parted just as open as her smile. Just for me.
In a smooth beat, she lifts white sweater cotton over her head and drops it next to mine, looking up at me. I recognize her smile and this trust, but I've never seen this much of love before. Her light pink bikini is barely darker than her blush, and her skin looks so fucking warm. Softly full tits rise and fall with deeper little **es breaths as I move my fingers to the bow on the back of her neck. I want to pull the string, and with any other girl I wouldn't hesitate, but I just trace the knot holding her top in place while Tulip undoes button after button of my fly.
I have to shift my feet for balance.
Opening both sides of my jeans with ease and grace only love can move with, mine gives me both palms again over nothing but thinly-knit black cotton.
I can barely breathe under my pulse as Bella calls my eyes back with staggeringly soft kisses, and seeing her, radiating warmer and brighter than the light around us, I feel like my heart beats too deeply. As she pushes boxers and jeans gently down, and touches my bare cock I don't know how my legs remain standing.
Kissing my hip, holding my eyes, she strokes slowly. Helpless for her touch and weak with instinct, I can't keep from lifting. She draws soft, pretty circles with soft, pretty thumbs slowly around the head, and I moan. I pant like a fucking teenager, and my arms shake. My stomach knots, and my heart throbs in love's palms. When she draws another soft, slow circle, and kisses with parted lips just under the tip, I leak for her. I can't even help it. I'm so hard, but the head of my cock is intensely fucking sensitive.
When she brings me to parted lips and her waiting, so-pink tongue, I swear my heart attacks. It wants up and out and in love's mouth too.
Sliding my hands from her bow and up into her ponytail, working my fingers under and loosing it, I groan as Bella gives me the softest, most generous kind of kiss. My pulse throbs, and with softly dark, summer-sun-lit hair down in my hands and kissed-so-pink lips holding barely more than the head of me, love looks up, and my knees go weak. Chasing my breath with a groan, I lean all my balance back into my shoulders, against our door and my girl follows, drawing fuck from my chest with the softest, sweetest, most open little hum.
It's one syllable, airy and stripped between lips I can't close, but it takes forever to come all the way up from my lungs. Her slow kiss to take me deeper unfurls the single word from me like it's a fucking ribbon, rough and endless and as red as the heart that warmed it.
Lowering her lashes, Bella slides her hands from pushed-down denim up to my hips, brushing love with her fingers while she moves her tongue like she wants to lick her lips, and there are no words.
I want there to be. I want to tell her how fucking good she looks and feels and is, but she's moving her tongue like she wants to lick her lips again, and I'm nothing but a mess of breathless, stuttering thanks and praise.
"So fuck.. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking good. So fucking, good, Bella. Bella... Fucking... God, so fucking good, baby. Fuck, just like that. Just like that, baby. Suck... Suck just like that, Bella... Fuck, baby..."
Weak in the knees, blissed so far the fuck out I can barely breathe, I don't know anything but how pink love's lips look holding me, the sound of her so gratefully glad to give, and the way my cock feels on her tongue.
When she lifts her lashes again, and wraps her right hand around what she can't take, I recognize the look in her eyes and wrap my hand around hers, around me.
My head falls back. For a second, I can't even process this touch, this love, how fucking good she feels, but I don't want to miss it. I lift my head and force my eyelids up.
Dark eyes so full of thankful love, watching mine while I stroke my cock with her, right down into her mouth and onto her soft fucking tongue, Tulip smiles. Her lips don't stop. She sucks so sincerely I can barely stand, but she smiles. It's in her look. And her blush. And the way she hums -
"Jesus, baby, girl, fuck, fuck... Bella... Fuck..."
I'm so caught the fuck up I don't really hear the front door open and close a floor below us, but Bella does. When she pauses with surprised eyes, suddenly shy, I hear Senna laughing and Doe panicking, but not really, and I don't know why they're back.
Until Doe's on the steps.
"Bella? Bella, are you here?"
Tucking myself carefully away, swallowing hard before exhaling as much of the sting as I can, I help Bella up and kiss so-fucking-pink lips, promising it's okay.
"Bella? I need your help. My contact's on the back of my eye and I'm freaking out."