Escalation
Chapter 12
Desperation

Love has no desire but to fulfil itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~Kahlil Gibran

The doctors allowed Aaron to wake up on the third day. They stopped the artificial coma meds and gradually, he slipped into wakefulness. The first thing he noticed was someone holding his hand. His eyes were still closed and the pain was reduced to a dull ache by the medication, but he remembered everything, and desperately tried to fall back into his safe place where he had been. It was too late though, and wakefulness beckoned and he couldn't resist.

very slowly he opened his eyes and saw Reid sitting next to him, his head on the bed, his eyes closed in sleep. He carefully took back his hand and turned his head away from him. Did they know what had happened to him? How could he ever face them?

The movement of his hand woke Reid, and had Aaron been looking he would have seen a look of real joy on the younger man's face. He wasn't looking, however. Instead, he tried to speak. His mouth was dry and sore, and immediately Reid saw that he needed a drink, and he reached over to the bottled water. He put a bottle in Aaron's hand.

'Welcome back, Hotch.' Reid said as Aaron took the bottle and sipped a drink.

'Please leave me, Reid. I can't see you.'

To try to emphasise the point, Aaron turned onto his side away from his visitor.

'I can't leave you, Hotch. I have been sitting here for days waiting for you to wake up so that I can help you to get well. How could I possibly leave you now?'

'I don't want any visitors, Reid. I need to be alone.'

Hotch faced the wall with determination. How could he ever be the same again after what had happened to him. He would heal where they had torn his skin, the broken bones would mend, and the bruises would fade. But in his mind there were injuries that would never leave him. He had died in his mind, and right now he wished he had died in his body too.

He heard the door open, and a nurse said, 'Well hello, Mr Hotchner. It's good to have you back again.' She had in her hand a little cup containing some pills which she took round to him. 'Please take these, Mr Hotchner. They will help with the pain.'

Aaron looked at the pills in his hand. He couldn't look at the nurse; not knowing that she knew what had happened to him. he slipped the pills under his pillow, and pretended to take them. Then he closed his eyes again.

'Please leave me alone. I want to sleep.' he said.

Reid touched his forehead. 'Please let me stay, Hotch. i want to be with you.' he said.

Hotch didn't answer him, but he rolled further over onto his side. Reid sighed and touched Hotch's hair.

'I can't leave you.' Reid whispered. 'I love you.'

Hotch didn't hear. He settled on his misery, and pretended to sleep. His mind was a turmoil of the events of the last week, and he felt the pain now as he was wide awake. he thought of the pain killers under his pillow, but he needed those for later. He listened to Reid's gentle breathing, and felt the weight of his head on the side of his bed.

How could he want to be with him? How could he overlook the depth he had sunk to? Why does he not hate him?

Aaron imagined those filthy hands upon him, and the vicious and brutal attacks. he felt the pain as his skin ripped and broke, and he felt the fists on his weakened body. He wanted to die. He prayed that he would die.

Reid reached out to him and touched the pale skin on the back od Hotch's neck. The skin was marked by the metal collar that he had worn as a captive, and he cringed at Reid's gentle touch. Reid felt the muscles in Hotch's back tighten as he touched him, and he withdrew his hand.

'Sorry.' he said softly. He was desperate to try to reassure this man who had been through so much. He understood why he wanted him to go, but he also knew that Hotch needed him to be could just as easily have been him who was abducted, and Hotch who had been left in the car wreck to die. Reid admired and loved Aaron. He would do anything for him, die for him. But now there was a barrier that Hotch had built, and he wasn't allowing anyone to enter. His heart was closed off.

Reid didn't know why. He couldn't understand that Hotch was blaming himself for what had happened, and felt humiliated and filthy because of it. All Reid wanted to do was take the man in his arms and try to reassure him, tell him that it wasn't his fault, and say sorry for not having his back. Instead, he stood and left the room. The desire to touch him was too great and he knew that Hotch didn't want to be touched.

He called David.

-0-0-0-

'He's wake.' Reid said to Dave. 'He needs all of us, although he doesn't realise it.'

'I understand.' Dave said. He was back at the precinct interviewing the two surviving men from the house, and also Libby Cotter, who had admitted raping Aaron while he was drugged. She was crying, and she admitted everything, and gave the names of the other women that she had been with. Dave sent cops out to bring them in. Although it would be difficult to prove that they raped him without their confessions. He thought it unlikely that they would confess, given the nature of the crime, and the custodial sentence that they would receive as mandatory.

'you will be glad to know that Agent Hotchner had woken up, and is off the critical list. It is unlikely now that there will be a murder charge, although poisoning and Rape still stands.'

Dave got up and left the room. There was little else that he could do with her now.

'Take her down.' he said to the cops on duty. He had her confession, and her willingness to give it, and the fact that she had given up the other rapists would count in her favour at her trial. Now all he wanted to do was go and see Aaron.

-0-0-0-

Hotch realised that he had been crying. His pillow was wet and his eyes were sore. His insides hurt like hell because he was saving up his pain meds, and every sob pulled at his bruised broken ribs. Reid had gone now, but he kept on his side, facing the wall. He clenched his fists under the sheets, clenched them in anger, an anger directed at himself for being weak, and allowing the men to violate him, and drive him to the state he was now in – a state of wanting to die.

He tried to think if he had anything to live for. He could never lead his team again. They couldn't possibly follow a man who was so low and pathetic. He could never be a father to his son. Jack needed someone to protect him against the evils of the society that he was part of, but the man he now was, the man he had become, was not able to protect anything, least of all anything as precious as Jacky.

He heard the door open, and he hoped that it was the nurse with more pain killers. Instead he heard a familiar voice of a man whom he had once called a friend.

'I'm glad you ate awake, Aaron.' the man said. Hotch didn't move. The embarrassment he felt was palpable in the room.

'I don't want visitors.' Hotch said. 'Dave, please don't visit. I want to be left alone.'

'Isolating yourself will not help you. All it will do is bring on your own selfish longing, and it will make you worse.'

'There is no worse.' Hotch replied. 'Please go now.'

Hotch hated to dismiss Dave so summarily. He almost wanted to cling onto him and cry into his shoulder, and receive the love and friendship that Dave, merely by his presence, had promised. But things were never going to be right. He was damaged goods, soiled and used, and he didn't want his friends to see him like that.

Dave touched his arm.

'A lot of people love you, Aaron. Don't push us away.'

Hotch didn't move until he heard the door close after him, and then he drew his knees up, and curled up under the sheets. He felt dizzy with pain. Unconsciously his hand went to the little collection of pills that he was saving. Soon this wretched miserable life would be over. It was already forfeit, soon the deed would be done.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep but the pain was too bad. Where his insides had torn during the rapes, the doctors thought he had an infection. So far the STD tests had come back negative, but the HIV test took longer. Not that it mattered now anyway.

His pale skin was flushed with the fever that the infection was causing, and the pain when he moved was getting worse. He straightened out, trying to find a comfortable position. When the nurse came in with his pain meds, he was almost tempted to take them. He managed a weak smile at her.

'Thanks.' he said, and palmed the pills. Soon they joined those he was collecting. Not long now. Maybe one more day and he would have enough.

-0-0-0-

Reid watched Aaron through the window. He so wanted to go and sit with him. When he thought he was asleep, he opened the door and hobbled to the chair. He wanted to touch him, stroke his hair, kiss his pale skin, but he didn't want to wake him. So he sat in silence, and simply enjoyed the being close to him.

What he really longed to do was lie on the bed with him, but he thought that after everything he had been through, it could frighten him. So he stayed close, but not touching, and he felt overwhelmed with desire for him.

Life was cruel, Reid thought. The one thing that could help Aaron was for him to feel loved by his friends, but he was rejecting all their efforts to help him. He realised that it was going to take intensive therapy for him to be better, if he would ever be ready to come back to work.

-0-0-0-

Reid sat in the relatives room with Dave Morgan and Prentiss.

'He's not responding to anyone.' Reid said.

'He's been gang raped and beaten. We need to give him time.' Morgan said. 'How did he react to the news that we have prosecuted the kidnappers?'

'There was no reaction.' Dave said. 'Nothing seems to get through to him now. We need a break. There has to be something that will pull him through.'

'I have an idea.' said Emily. 'How about a taped message from Jack.'

-0-0-0-

Hotch closed his fingers around the pills that he had been saving. They were a derivative of morphine, and he had about thirty of them. Carefully, painfully, he pulled himself onto his back. The movement did something to his insides, and he wanted to cry out in agony. Instead he bit down on his lip. There was a bottle of water by his bed that Reid had left for him. Even reaching for it caused a wave of pain.

It was ok though. Soon there would be no more pain.

He lined the pills up on the table. They were yellow and red capsules, and he put them all around the same way. Then one by one, he took them into his mouth and swallowed them. This was it. This was when he took control of his life. This was his decision.

He took some more, feeling a sense of flooding relief as he swallowed each one. He took a drink to wash them down , and continued along the line. He wondered whether he would feel the affects of the pain killing before he died, or whether he would die first.

Not that it mattered.

It was over.

He took the last one and turned onto his side again.