Escalation
Chapter 13
Jeopardisation
'The game of life is hard to play.' The Theme from MASH
The shrill sound of the alarm cut through the quiet of the unit, drowning out the sound of 'Dancing Queen'. Instantly, the nurses sprang to life and rushed down the corridor the Hotchner's room.
'Crash call!' someone yelled, and the cart was wheeled quickly to Hotch's ward.
Somebody pressed the crash alarm and alerted the team, which came running, the doctor in the lead.
Morgan caught hold of someone as they rushed by.
'What has happened?' he said, but his grip was shaken off and the man ran on, ignoring the agents as they watched in fear as the emergency team crowded into Aaron's room. Prentiss ran forward to watch through the window but the blind had been closed. She bit her lip, terrified of what was happening. There was something she needed to tell him, and she prayed that she would get the chance.
-0-0-0-
Aaron had died. He was still and pale on the bed, lying on his side facing the wall. He was pulled onto his back, and the pillow removed so that he was lying flat. They checked his eyes.
'Overdose.' some body said, and a tube was thrust down his throat while another pulled apart his jacket and placed the defib electrodes on his chest.
'Charging three hundred, clear!'
And Hotch's body jerked off the bed. The 'scope showed a flat line.
'Again! Clear!'
His body jerked again. Black liquid was poured down the tube into his stomach.
Charging three fifty..... clear!'
What more could they put this man through. His body jumped on the bed, and this time, a blip on the scope, everyone in the room sighed with relief.
This man shouldn't die.
The stomach tube was lowered towards the floor, and his stomach contents collected in a bottle. The bright colours of the capsules showed through the bottle sides. They knew what he had done.
This time they saved him.
'All future meds to be given as an injection. Please check obs every ten minutes.' barked the doctor. Aaron's chart was written up. One by one the crash team left the ward.
Emily grabbed someone. 'What happened?' she said, fear in her voice.
'It seemed that he collected his medication and took it all at once.' she said. 'The poor man must have been in agony. He hadn't been taking his pain meds.'
Emily's hand went to her mouth.
'And now?'
'We pulled him back this time.' she said, and rushed off after her colleagues.
Emily turned to the others.
'We have to get that tape.'
-0-0-0-
Haley was happy to have Jack talk to his Daddy. David didn't say anything about the attempted suicide, just that Aaron was in hospital, and needed some encouragement. She promised to send it to Aaron's PDA.
'I'll do it straight away.' she said, and called jack in from the garden where he had been playing.
'Daddy misses you, Jack, and wants you to send him a message.
Jack smiled. He loved and missed his Daddy and he took the microphone in his hand.
'Hello Daddy, Let me tell you about soccer club!'
-0-0-0-
Aaron cried bitter tears as he lay on his back where they had left him. It hadn't worked, they had pulled him back, and now that chance had gone. His tears ran down the side of his face into his hair and wet the sheet. He wanted to howl and cry, but at that moment, his friends came into the room. He saw a look of deep worry on the face of Dave, and his own despair reflected that look. He turned away from them, and Emily took his hand.
'Hotch', she said, 'we love you. Please let us help you.'
Aaron was beyond speaking. If he opened his mouth, he knew his distress would be vocalised, and he somehow couldn't allow that to happen in front of his team......
His Team.
Not any more. He couldn't imagine being allowed to run the team in the state he was in.
'Please....' he whispered, 'leave me ....'
Emily stepped back from the bed, releasing his hand. A tear ran down her face. She fought to conceal it.
Dave put his hand on her shoulder.
'Let's wait outside.' he said gently.
Reid Morgan and Emily followed Dave out into the corridor.
'Why did he do it?' Emily breathed. 'He's safe now. Why?'
'We have to show him how much we need him.' Reid said. 'Without crowding him.'
'One at a time visiting.' Dave said, 'And never leave him alone.'
'The message from Jack should be on Hotch's PDA soon.' Morgan said. 'Hopefully that will help.'
'I'll sit with him first.' Reid said, and he picked up his crutches and went back into the ward.
-0-0-0-
Aaron was hurting. Now the pain meds were in the drip, he wasn't feeling the physical pain that he had earlier, but inside, his heart was broken. How could he ever face real life again? In his job he half expected to get shot or injured, but this was different. He was humiliated, destroyed, and the team would know how he allowed the UnSubs to over power him and abuse him. He couldn't face them. His life was over. All he had to do was stop living.
He turned onto his side again, facing the wall. He knew his friends were talking about him and what he had been through, and he didn't know how he was going to react to them. He also knew that they wouldn't give up on him.
He heard the door open, and he guessed by the sound of his walking that it was Reid. When Reid took his hand, Aaron didn't know how to respond. His dark depression surfaced and he began to cry again. How could they touch him, or even be near him.
Reid was talking to him.
'....we need you back leading the team.' Reid said, and tightened his hand on Aaron's.
'They..... defeated me.' Hotch whispered softly. 'I c-can't come back.'
'You are not defeated.' Reid said. 'You are hurt, but you will heal. We are here to help you heal'
Aaron didn't answer. He didn't know how. The ex prosecutor, who was lost in a deep terrifying battlefield of despair. He turned his hand around so that it was palm to palm with Reid's, and he closed his eyes.
If only sleep would come.
If only the pills had worked
If only...... if only....
-0-0-0-
Reid wanted to lie on the bed with Aaron, hold him tight, tell him that he loved him, but he was afraid to. Hotch was fighting inner demons, at least he should be. He had given up the fight, and was dying inside. He saw that Hotch was crying, and thought that he needed to just sit there and wait. Sooner or later the strong reliable man would come through. Reid sat back and picked up Aaron's PDA from the night stand. As he did so, it vibrated in his hand. It was the message from Jack.
Aaron didn't react to the sound of the phone vibrating. But he reacted to the sound of his little boy's voice.
'Jack!' he turned onto his back. 'Jacky?'
'He sent you a get well message, Hotch.' Reid played the message through. Aaron didn't move as he listened to it.
-0-0-0-
The message was played five or six times before Aaron said anything.
'Don't bring.... my s-son here.' he said. 'I cannot see him, not ever.'
Reid stood up so that he could see into Aaron's dark misty eyes.
'A lot of people love you, Hotch. You cannot give up on them. You are needed. You must fight this.'
'I can't g-give what I used to give. I am dirty and useless; there's nothing left of how I was. Nothing.'
He closed his eyes and turned away from Reid. Reid bent forwards and kissed his cheek.
'You are still Aaron Hotchner, father, Agent, Team Leader. That hasn't changed, only your perception of self has changed.'
Aaron turned his head back to Reid, and blinked away the tears. 'Will you help me, Spencer?'
'Of course I will!' Reid said. He leaned down to him and wrapped his arms around him, pressing his face against Aaron's neck. 'I won't let you slip away from me.'
They were interrupted by the door opening and a nurse entering.
'Oops.... sorry. I need to take Mr Hotchner's obs.'
Reid stood up and sat back down in the chair by the bed, embarrassed as being caught in the display of affection, but the nurse didn't say anything else as she took Aaron's temperature and blood pressure, and checked his drip.
'You're doing fine, Mr Hotchner.' she said, smiled at Reid, and left.
Reid had brought a book with him. It was called 'From Quark to Quasars' and he started to read it out loud to Aaron. Hotch just stared at the ceiling, unsure of what the hug had really meant.
-0-0-0-
The next day, Reid had physiotherapy, and Emily sat with Aaron. She told him the thing that had been playing on her mind.
'I love you, Hotch.'
There. She'd said it. And now she couldn't un say it.
Hotch turned to her and stared in surprise.
'You love me?' he repeated, thinking maybe he'd misheard her.
Emily looked down at her hands resting in her lap. She wanted to be holding Aaron's hand but she thought it better to wait for his reaction.
She nodded. 'I have for a long time.'
'Even after.....'
'Especially after....' she said. This time she did take her hand.
Aaron turned right round so that he could see her properly. His eyes were wide.
'Help me sit up, would you?''
Emily helped Aaron to lean forward, and pulled his pillows so that he could lean back on them. He winced at the gun shot wound pulled, and she touched his face gently.
'I'm sorry.' she said.
Aaron's lips moved as if to smile, when a sharp pain made him cry out. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead, and Emily carefully touched his hair with the backs of her fingers.
'Everything is going to turn out right, Aaron. Just you wait and see.
And she leaned across and kissed his mouth. He kissed her back and moved his hand to the back of her hair.
'Help me, Emily....'
She kissed him again, and put her finger across his lips.
'Of course I will help you, Aaron.'
She slipped off her shoes and got onto the bed beside him, leaning against the pillows with him. He turned to her, his eyes sparkling with an inner strength she infused to him.
'Thank you.' he whispered, 'But I don't think I can accept this.'
He took his hand away from hers and a single tear ran down his face. 'Please don't waste your time on me. None of you.'
He turned away, closing his eyes against the flood that threatened to pour down his face.
'The Aaron Hotchner you loved is gone, Emily. I cannot accept your love.' He turned onto his side, shocked at how easily he almost gave himself to her, this shell of a man with nothing to give.
'He is not gone.' Emily said. 'He is still there inside you. We want to help you draw him out. Let us help you.'
Emily was sitting on the side of the bed, her hands in her lap. She stared at them, wondering if she had made a mistake telling Aaron she loved him. She turned and looked at him, and stroked his back.
'I'll leave you to sleep now. Someone will come and see you tomorrow.'
She kissed the back of his head and left.