Escalation
Chapter
14
Motivation
Diana Reid once said, 'Never let a chance pass you by.'
When he knew that there was no one to hear him, Aaron scrunched the pillow against his face and wept. He cried for the love he had lost, cried for the old Hotch who he thought was never coming back, cried in self pity and self loathing. The pillow was wet with tears by the time he was cried out, and his breath came in harsh hitching sobs.
When the nurse came to do his obs again, she stroked his forehead.
'It will come back.' she said. 'You feel now that your world has ended, but it hasn't. The world goes on, and you are still part of it. I promise that soon all the evil you have suffered will just be a memory, and you will heal.'
He looked at her with dark misty eyes. 'How can you know?' he said.
'I know because it happened to me. I was raped, and I took an overdose. I thought my life had ended. But it was just another experience that I can use to help people. Think of it that way, Aaron. I can empathise with you only because of what happened to me. I promise, life will go on. You just have to let go of the past.'
She smiled at him and touched him again. 'I'll get you a dry pillow.' she said, and left the ward.
Her words echoed through his head as he thought about what she had said. Without her experience, she wouldn't be able to help him. Maybe there was someone out there whom he could help one day.
He bit down on his knuckle as she came back with a dry pillow.
'Thank you.' he said as she put the pillow behind him. 'And thank you for your encouragement. But please, tell me, how did you get through it?'
'I had some good and wonderful friends.' she answered. 'If you need me, I'll be around.' She gave him a smile, and left him alone.
-0-0-0-
'We can't really understand what you have been through, Aaron. We can only imagine it. But we want to help you. We miss you, and want you back.'
Dave was sitting with Hotch today. Somehow he looked less broken than he had looked three days ago. There was colour in his pale cheeks and the bruises did not stand out so much. Dave grasped at the chance that he was going to get better.
'I want to come back, Dave. I want my old life back, but I'm not sure if it is going to be possible. What they did to me could leave me with a permanent disability, mentally and physically.'
'We will fight it, Hotch. Together we'll get through this. Your friends are very special people.'
'I know.' Aaron sighed.
Dave smiled at him, and produced a pack of cards. 'Hows about a game?'
Aaron smiled back and nodded, shifting himself painfully into another position, he picked up the hand he had been dealt. He suddenly realised what Dave was saying to him.
Play the cards you've been dealt, Aaron........
Just like the nurse had said, he had to use what he had experienced to make him a better person.
He wasn't sure that he could do that, but it was a target to aim for. And if he missed, he could try again.
He began to play the hand.
-0-0-0-
Spencer was watching through the window. He knew that he had said too much, and was embarrassed, wondering what Aaron would say to him when he saw him again. He knew Aaron could never return his love, but the reality couldn't be undone. He took a breath and went in the room.
'Deal me in?'
Rossi smiled that lop sided smile, that knowing smile, and dealt Reid a hand.
'Where would you rather sit – on the bed or on the chair?'
Reid looked longingly at the bed.
'The chair please.' he said.
Dave moved from the chair and perched on the edge of the bed, and they continued the game.
-0-0-0-
Emily had hoped that her declaration of love would help Aaron have something to fight for, but now she regretted it. In her wildest dreams, Aaron returned that love. But this was real life, and Aaron had been deeply injured. Her saying that she loved him may just confuse him.
She paced the room of the cheap hotel that the BAU were paying for. It was a temporary arrangement, and Emily took full advantage of it. She longed to go and visit Aaron. She longed to touch him, but he had rejected her and she wasn't sure how to react. She had confused the poor man when he most of all needed stability – something to hang onto, not something to drown him.
Her mother had taught her to compartmentalise, and she could name emotions in the people she profiled, but this was happening to her, and the flood of love had washed the walls away that she had so carefully built. This ridiculous, all encompassing feeling had left her exhausted.
She went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, as if she could wash it all away. The hot needles of water burned into her and it felt good. She shampooed her hair and thought about Aaron as the soap washed away. She tried to put herself in Aaron's place. He had been beaten and seriously abused, the man who was their leader, who had given up everything to become the best leader possible.
She couldn't do it. The place Hotch filled was only for him. She suddenly realised that with all her training, she couldn't empathise.
That , she thought was a huge failing. She got out of the shower and dried herself. She needed to be close to Hotch now. She needed him, whether he needed her or not.
She dressed in a neat skirt suit, and got ready to visit the hospital.
-0-0-0-
They were playing a simple game of bluff, and Reid was hopeless. His face gave everything away, and Dave started to laugh.
'It's a good job you're on our side, Spencer. You'd make a lousy crook!'
Reid pretended to sulk. 'I shan't play then.'
Hotch smiled, and for the first time in weeks, the smile touched his eyes. 'You are pretty useless at this game.' Hotch said. The corners of Reid's mouth dropped, and Hotch actually laughed, clutching at his chest.
'Please don't make me laugh. It hurts.'
Dave pulled all the cards together.
'Maybe that's enough for today.' he said. 'Aaron, get some sleep.'
Hotch laid down on the pillows and closed his eyes.
'Good idea.'
Reid and Dave left together, and met Emily in the corridor.
'We made him laugh.' Reid said happily.
Emily smiled. Reid was more concerned with Hotch than his own brush with death, and his subsequent injury.
'How's the foot, Reid?' she asked.
Reid looked down at it. It was bandaged at the moment, but physio was going well, and he expected to go back to work.
'It's fine.' he said. 'I can almost walk on it now.'
Emily smiled briefly at him.
'I'll go sit with him while he sleeps.' she said. Rossi nodded knowingly. Reid frowned.
-0-0-0-
Aaron was dreaming. No matter what happened, his dreams were still nightmares, haunted by the things that had happened to him. The beatings and the rapes were real again, and he was still a prisoner in that awful place. He cried out loud in his dream as an unknown creature held him and abused him.
Emily took his hand in hers.
'It's ok, Hotch. It's just a dream. I'm here for you.'
The words penetrated the darkness, and he forced open his eyes and looked at her.
'Emily!' he gasped, holding her hand tightly.
'The dreams aren't real, Hotch. This is reality.' She touched his hair, brushing it gently off his face.
'Emily......'
'Shh.... don't say anything. I just wanted to say...... 'Emily paused. 'I wanted to say that I'm sorry that I added to your pressure by what I said. I know I can't unsay it, but please, let us be friends and colleagues.'
'Emily......' He reached out for her and took his hands. 'Thank you Emily. Please don't feel bad.'
'Can we pretend it didn't happen?'
'Emily, I don't think I can.'
He winced as he tried to sit up. She moved his pillows so that he was more comfortable. She had her hands on either side of him, leaning across the bed, and as he closed his eyes against the pain, she leaned forwards and kissed him gently and briefly on the lips. He didn't kiss her back, but neither did he move away.
'Sorry.' she whispered. 'That was unprofessional.'
Aaron held her face with his hands.
'Emily, never say you are sorry for loving me. I feel humbled and blessed.'
He softly pushed his fingers into her hair and drew her close to him, and kissed her softly on her mouth. She kissed him back and held him. He pressed his face into her sweet smelling hair and kissed her neck.
She closed her eyes and sighed. This was not what she expected. Dreams didn't come true like this.
-0-0-0-
Reid and David were drinking coffee in the restaurant. Reid was quiet.
'What is it, Reid? You're going to be OK you know. And Hotch will recover. It just takes time with these things.'
'Rossi, I'm not concerned about myself,' He paused, almost too embarrassed to go on. 'except that it could take me away from Aaron.'
'I know that you are in love with him, Spencer.' he said. Reid looked surprised. 'I am an experienced profiler. I see it in your eyes every time Hotch comes into the room.' He reached out and put his hand on his arm. 'Just be there for him, Reid. That's all I think he could take at the moment. When he is well again, who knows.' He gave Reid a little squeeze. 'Just not now though.'
'I understand, Rossi. Who else knows?'
'Don't worry about that. Just get yourself better, and get back to work.' Dave stood up. 'I'm going back to the hotel now. You coming?'
'I'll see you there, Rossi. I want to go and say good night to Hotch.'
The two men walked to the door and parted company.
Reid made his way up to Hotch's ward. He was not in intensive care any more, but had been moved now to a small side ward where he could have some privacy. Reid thought that he would like to stay the night in the room with Hotch. He wouldn't touch him, except maybe hold his hand. He longed to tell him how he loved him, How he would give anything to see him well and happy again.
When Haley had hurt him so badly, he had been torn emotionally. He had wanted to rejoice that he was no longer trapped with a woman who couldn't love him, but the haunted look in his eyes didn't go away now. At least he used to have his home life to buffer the horrors of his job. It broke Reid up to see his daily distress.
But it left the way open for him to tell Hotch that he loved him.
Except he never had.
He had no idea why he had been so reticent about it, but the time had never seemed right. His Mum had said that the time never will be right, so go for it. But he got tongue tied and he blushed stupidly every time he tried. So he had given up, and hoped that Hotch would see it in his eyes.
Rossi had.
As soon as Hotch was better, he would try to tell him.
The blind was slightly open, and he looked through to the man he loved so much.
What he saw broke his heart. His chance was gone and he was going to have to let him go.
Not that he ever had him, but the future he imagined was possible disintegrated before his eyes, and he slid down the wall and felt hot sad tears fall from his eyes.
END – story will be continued in my next fic.