Ch. 13
"Is it different?" I asked.
Sarah put down the book and looked at me confused. "What do you mean?"
"Is it different reading it now that you have cancer?" The Fault in our Stars is about this girl and her boyfriend who both deal with cancer.
"I'm glad you don't have it too."
"Cancer?"
"Yeah. Logan I know you'd take it from me if you could even if it meant you had to go through it yourself. But if you knew just how bad it was, you wouldn't," she said bending a page in the book.
"Yes I would," I interjected.
"Logan. No one would," she bit her lip and looked away from me. "Not even me if it was you in my situation. It's so bad. People I don't even know post comments on every picture I put up Instagram saying how beautiful I am and how I just keep fighting and how much they love me, when they don't know me just my cancer. Suddenly I'm beautiful now that I'm dying? I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I miss going to school and getting in trouble for not turning in my homework or getting frustrated because I can't get my locker open. I hate letting them stab at the hospital and biting my tongue to keep from screaming out when I get the headaches. When people ask me my story all they want to know is the cancer part, not what I like to do or about the people I love.
My own family doesn't look at me and see seventeen year old Sarah but a freaking patient.
And I'm so angry. I know I can't blame God for all of this, but why won't He take away this pain from me?"
"You never answered my question," I said. I didn't want to think about needles and blood and dying organs. I didn't want to think about God turning His back on us.
"Yes," she whispered. "I don't love the book anymore."
I felt like crying or screaming or ripping the book to shreds. "Why?"
"It just makes me notice things about dying that I didn't see before and it makes me sad," she said emotionlessly.
"Then why do you keep reading it?" I asked almost harshly.
"I don't want any more surprises."