A/N: Ahh you guys are amazing! Thanks for the reviews and the favorites and the follows. To be honest, I'm kind of disappointed in this story. I feel like I'm making Alec so OOC it's crazy. Anyways thanks so much for the reviews and enjoy this chapter :)
Oh and If you're ever wondering when the next chapter is going to come out, check the story update section in my profile :)
The room was spinning, blurry and undefined in Alec's eyes. He could slowly make out shapes, colors and soon he had a faceful of something blond. 'Jace.' Alec immediately recognized. Soon, the fuzzy confusedness morphed into panic. What happened?
"Jace!" Alec shot up quickly, effectively bumping his head into Jace's on the way. He felt nauseous, and he wasn't sure if it was because he sat up so quickly or the incessant stomach pain he was feeling.
"Ouch, man! God! You messed up my hair..." Jace grumbled unhappily, a gentle hand coming up to pet a tuft of blond hair lovingly. Alec watched him for a couple seconds, before leaning back onto the headboard. He snorted as Jace started 'apologizing' to his hair, causing Jace to jokingly snap his head up to glare.
"You did this!" Alec's parabatai cried accusingly, jabbing a finger into Alec's chest. Alec laughed, rolling his eyes, ignoring the sudden painful lurch in his stomach. He however, didn't realize he didn't cover his wince as well as he thought he did. Jace frowned, squinting down at Alec worriedly.
"Crap, sorry! I forgot you're a cripple right now, cripple." Jace's eyes glinted mischievously, but his mouth held that worried frown that Alec couldn't get used to no matter how much he saw it. He's worried about him. He cares about him. He didn't forget about him. He's loved. He's loved. It sent his heart beating happily instead of the awkward pulsating jumps it was used to taking.
"I'm not a cripple, you donkey. Where's Isabelle?" Alec asked, his eyes shifting through the room, realizing where he was. The Infirmary. Same dreary gray walls mimicking that of a mundie hospital. Same hard bed he spent days in after hunts that went a little sour. He sighed, he hated this room. It smelled like death and tears and Lysol. He missed the sandalwood smell mixed with cinnamon and manly musk that was Magnus.
Magnus. Shit. He probably didn't even care that Alec hadn't been home. Probably didn't even notice. Not to mention the fact that not only did he hide important details of his life, he hid important details about Alec's life. That the fact that his siblings still want him in their lives was still new and fresh in Alec's mind. It still put all the fears and insecurities of his family to rest. Somewhat. And yet, the fact that Magnus knew the fact that they cared for him and didn't tell him made him angry. Not that he had any right to be angry. Alec wasn't sure if he could ever trust that Warlock again.
And he felt like an ungrateful little brat for it. Because he was Magnus, flawless Magnus. And he was Alec.
He looked up to see Jace's lips moving with words. "Wait, sorry Jace can you start over. I zoned out."
Jace blinked up at him. "Yeah I was just saying how Isabelle went to get Clary. Oh, crap I was supposed to tell them you woke up.." He trailed off looking around the room.
"Who? Tell who?" Alec asked, snapping his fingers in front of Jace's eyes till they blinked back at him curiously.
"Brother Zachariah, man. A lot has happened since you passed out last night." Alec looked confused, but didn't say anything. " Well for starters, they have no freaking clue what's wrong with you. Oh and, they came home like half an hour ago." Jace's words were bitter when talking about his adopted parents. Alec knew immediately which people Jace was talking about.
"Anyways, I don't like to dwell on things not worth my time, so cripple, what's wrong with you?" Jace asked bluntly, changing subjects quickly when he saw the shadowing darkness coming up Alec's face at the mention of their 'parents'.
"Stop calling me cripple, you ass." Alec snapped half-meaning it. He was thankful for a friend like Jace. Without his siblings, he would be nothing. He would be nothing but a ridiculously insecure boy in an ugly sweater.
"Yes, I do have an ass. And it's a sexy, perky one." Jace grinned maniacally, turning around on his heels with an extravagant swoosh. "Look at it. C'mon Alec... Look at it." Jace enticed mock-seductively, shaking his behind side-to-side, and Alec could hear his eyebrows wagging playfully.
"Saggy. Very saggy." Alec said in a rather pondering voice, like it was a medical breakthrough, or something fascinating. Jace turned around with an annoyed mug on his golden tan face.
"Hey! Don't be so jealou-" Jace's words were cut off by a soft yet strangely abrasive knock on the door. Alec shifted his gaze slowly, almost too slow to the door. He knew who it was without even looking.
His parents. Not a thing had changed about either of them. Same chilling gaze. Same mouth pressed into a thin line of shame and disgust. Same, same, same. They stood in the doorway, proud and secure, but he could tell it was all a sham. Perhaps a fag like Alec in the Institute was an abomination. Perhaps they still want him out.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, to ask them why, to tell them to leave. But his breath caught in his throat, and he's weak. He's dizzy, his stomach feels like a boulder is being dropped on it repeatedly, and he can't deal with anything.
"Get out." Jace beat him to it, and his gaze shifted from they people he tried so hard to please for 18 years. 18 years of not feeling good enough, of not feeling like he was worth it. 18 years of rage, of sadness, of tears. But also 18 years of family, of happiness, of laughter.
"Jace, please." His mother spoke first, hand reaching out to touch her children, as if to pull herself towards them. His father looked disgruntled at best, bored. It was a foreign look on his father's face, and Alec was disgusted at himself for thinking that face looked better on Magnus.
His brother had the same fiery, intense gaze he had on the battlefield. The golden eyes seemed to almost have a glow, like that of a candle flame. His hair fanned out above his eyes, some strands falling into them that he hadn't bother to move. He looked fierce, like a bull about to charge. Alec's heart beat erratically, wanting to stand up and pull Jace back. Wanting to protect and stand in front of him, like the old days. 'Except you're weak. You couldn't even protect a dead squirrel right now.' A bitter, angry part of Alec intoned mockingly.
Looking back into the eyes of his mother and father, he wished he could feel something. He wished he could feel angry for pulling his siblings away from him. He wished he could feel sad, or maybe hurt that the people that were supposed to love him unconditionally didn't. He wished he could feel something, anything then the cold dread and nothingness that he did.
He craved the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as he gets angry. He missed it. He hated this hollow feeling, it made him feel inhuman and broken and weak. He wished he could be like Jace or Izzy, always feeling and loving and hurting and smiling.
He hated how so many people hid their emotions in masks of nonchalance, trying to hide what makes them human, not a shell. He hated it because he wishes he could feel those things again. He wishes he could allow himself to feel those things. But he can't. No matter how hard he tries, he can't. Can't feel anything but emptiness and vacancy. Completely depleted of any sort of emotion.
And maybe that's why Magnus is forgetting about him. Magnus, with his sparkly personality and even sparklier clothes. Why would he want something as boring and worthless as Alec? His empty eyes that see everything in a dark hue, the polar opposite of Magnus' green-yellow eyes that saw the good in everything. Saw the good in Alec. Magnus was perfect right down to the last sequin adorned on that tall, lean yet muscular body. And Alec, was Alec.
His parents were slowly coming closer to his bed, he realized. He couldn't do much except cower back into the stiff, stained pillow behind him. He saw Jace's muscled back through the thin white t-shirt tense in anticipation. He felt sick to his stomach (again) to think he made his brother turn on his own parents. To realize that without him, the Lightwood family would be happy. The light seemed too bright against the dark atmosphere that his parents brought in.
"Alexander." His mother again, her hair had grown a few more gray strands than when he last seen her. She still has the same tall, thin nose and angled cheekbones. She still looks just like Isabelle. She did look genuinely worried, but she also looked genuinely disgusted with fags like him.
So Alec doesn't say anything. Doesn't do anything but tilt his head up in greeting, or confusion, or even anger and defiance. His lips pressed together in a tight line, daring her to speak first. Daring her to give him a reason, to-... to-... Then the anger is gone again. It's his fault. It's his fault he's gay. His fault he fell in love with a man. A warlock man. No wonder his parents hate him. He hate's himself. How can he expect anyone to love him?
"Alexander, sweetie." His mother pleaded, and he isn't sure what for. For forgiveness? Probably not. Maybe to talk, maybe to get Jace to stop looking at her like she shot his puppy.
But he doesn't know what to say. He wanted to cry, and sleep, and cry some more. He wanted to go home. He wanted to press his face in Magnus' pillow and breathe it in until he calmed down like a teenager getting his drug fix from an aerosol can. He doesn't want to talk to his parents, doesn't want to feel like a screw up, doesn't want Jace and Izzy to care about him. Not when they don't seem to understand what a screw up he is.
But he can't do any of those things. So he talks. Or tries to. But all he can get out are chokes and gasps and huffs and puffs. His lips are forming the shapes of the words, but he cant cough them out. He tried and tried but he can't. He's too weak. He can't do anything right, can't even talk. Then he sees his father's face. It's disgusted and distrusting. Crowfeet at the corners of his eyes that Alec never noticed the last time they saw each other pulled back till his eyes were in a squint. If looks could kill, Alec would be six feet under.
"Living another year with that Warlock made you a mute?"He spat out and oh-my-god it's going to happen. He saw that hateful glare and its going to happen. He's going to have a panic attack in front of the people he wanted so desperately to be strong for.
He tried to focus on breathing, to close his eyes and only see darkness but he can't. His breaths are shallow and quick, he's hyperventilating and it's going to happen. He closes his eyes and all he can see is them laughing hatefully at him. Cruel laughter and pointed fingers.
Then he feels a palm on his shoulder, warm and comforting and his eyes pop open. Jace. "Get out. Alec doesn't need you in his life and neither do I. You're no longer my parents. You've never been Alec's. Out! Get out!" Jace's voice was still honey-sweet and perfect even when his voice rose to a loud spiteful crescendo. Alec was jealous. Jace was the perfect son. He was something he could never be: straight, and strong, and not a fuck up.
"Stop, Jace." His voice was breathless and soft, almost feminine and he hated it. Hated it so much it made his head spin. Jace snapped his warm eyes to his, and his jaw is still open, revealing a line of straight pearly teeth. He's panting, and Alec just wants to pull him down to rest. Wants to protect him, but he can't.
His mother is looking hopefully at him, and his father is already halfway out the room, but froze at Alec's soft words. "Yes, honey?"She implored, eyes shining with concern and optimism, a giant contradiction just like their relationship. She seemed to love him, yet kicked him out. Her eyes looked genuine, but she hates fags. Hates him.
And Alec can't bring himself to look at her. Can't do anything, can't feel anything. He's confused. He has so many questions he needs answers to, and his head is twirling trying to think of which to ask. He settles for "What do you want from me?" His voice sounds clearer, not as soft but you could still hear his pain, could still hear his weakness.
Those eyes. Alec's a true believer in the eyes are the windows to the soul. They never lie. No matter how much sickening sweet lies that spill forth from Magnus' mouth, his alluring eyes never lied to Alec. He could take one look into those eyes and he would know. No love or admiration or even platonic liking to be found. Just boredom. And he wished he could believe those lies, so he could be happy. Would rather deceive himself with Magnus' lies than slowly have his heart broken.
He wanted Magnus to break up with him, sometimes. Because Alec could never. But if Magnus did, then Alec could convince himself that Magnus would be happier and then he could go watch bad movies and eat Ben and Jerry's and get over him. Even if he won't. Because Alec wouldn't get over Magnus. Not in ten years, not in twenty. Not ever. But he could pretend. He could do it. He wanted to believe is own lies, but he fucked that up too.
"Alec, you're my son. I just wanted to make sure you're okay." And Alec wants to cry because he wants to believe so bad. He longs to believe, to let her back in into his heart, but he can't. There's a wall, barely standing but there. He can't.
"Then why did you kick him out? Why do you think he's a failure? If he was your anything you wouldn't do those things." Jace was angry. Alec didn't like it when Jace was angry. It made him feel helpless and nervous, like being locked in a cage with a lion with no weapon. He wanted Jace to smile and tease him and let Alec bitch and moan at him.
"Jace!" His father's voice. It was no less terrifying than he remembered. Perhaps more. "Do not disrespect your elders. Especially not for that." And there it is. Jace's gasp was accompanied by his mother's. He didn't know what to do except take a deep shaky breath and clutch the rough, grainy blanket tighter in his hand, then let go.
"Robert!" Maryse hissed angrily, giving him a vicious look. It would be too easy to believe his mother. To believe she still sees him as a son, but things are still too broken. Alec couldn't look at her face without remembering her words.
"Alexander, sweetheart. You can stop this. You don't love him, not really. Choose a nice girl, settle down. Be like Jace, you don't need this lifestyle to be happy."
"Alexander! You don't love him. I know you don't. As if my son was a fag." A snort. "You're just confused."
"Alexander, this stopped being funny months ago. Is it because you want attention? Well you have it, so give it up. You're. Not. A. Fag." But he is. He is a fag.
"Alexander, Alexander, Alexander. You're my eldest son, I'm so disappointed in you. Why did you have to come out like this? What did I do wrong?"
But mom, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all me. I'm the fag. I'm the disappointment. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. But I love him, mother. I really do. He's so special to me, you have no idea. I want to marry him, mom. He means so much to me. I love him. I love him.
"Get out. Get out. You're not my son. Marry him? You think god would approve of this 'marriage'? You- You- Abomination. Get out. Don't bother saying goodbye to Jace and Isabelle. They never loved you anyways." Never loved you anyways. Never loved you anyways...
"Maryse, stop pretending like this is okay. Stop pretending you don't feel dirty just being in the same room as him. He's your son, as you've said. Don't lie to him anymore." His father's words are comforting in a sick way. This is what he's used to. He knows how he's supposed to feel to this. He's supposed to feel angry, and sad, and hurt. But why is it he only feels agreement and shame? What's wrong with him?
"That's enough!"Jace lunged at his father, and Alec couldn't look. The sound of a body hitting a wall and his mother's quiet choked sob were enough.
He turned and pressed his face into his pillow, almost jumping off the bed when he feels a soothing hand petting his hair. He knows it's his mother, and he knows that she's probably cringing just touching him. But if he closes his eyes, he can pretend it's Magnus. He can pretend that they're still in Europe and things are happy. Things are good. But they're not and his father's yelling pulls him back and he wants to cry. He was happy. He was happy...
"Jace Lightwood! That's enough. Go to your room, I'll deal with you later. And trust me, kiddo, you won't like it when I do." His father ordered through gritted teeth, the beginnings of a purple, angry bruise resting just above his cheekbones.
"No. Get out." Jace opened the door and looked pointedly at his ex-father, hair disheveled and a bead of sweat forming just above his brow.
"Robert. Just go. Please. For me." His mother pleaded in a rather exasperated voice. He could see him hesitating, and he's scared. He doesn't know what he's scared of, but he is.
And without a word, Robert Lightwood is gone. And he lost two sons and half a wife.
"Alexander. I'm sorry." And she sounded like she was. But every time Alec closes his eyes he sees her angry, ashamed face that he was so used to seeing.
But before he can even formulate a response, Jace is pulling her from her collar until she's standing.
"No you're not. You won't ever be sorry, because you're scum." Jace snapped, hand pulling her by the collar gripping it tighter. She let out a whimper, and it was unsettling to see his mother, a terrifying tycoon of a Shadowhunter look so weak. Not that he can judge anyone for being weak.
"No, I-" But Jace is on a roll. Nothing can stop him now.
"You, what? Words can't even describe what I'm feeling right now. You saw Isabelle cry in her room for days. You saw her scream and cry for Alec thinking he died. You saw us suffer for a 365 days and all you can say is sorry?!" Jace's voice is cracking, but it's strong. And Alec really needs to cry because he can feel himself bottling up, and he's going to explode.
"I'm sorry. You don't understand-" She tried again, but again, Jace cut her off.
"For once, you're right. I don't understand what kind of damn mother puts her children through that kind of pain. You told us he left. That he didn't want this life anymore. But we knew our brother, he would never leave us. He loves us," Jace paused and allowed himself to smile slightly at Alec, and Alec honestly felt better. "But he didn't answer our phone calls, or messages and he was never home whenever we went to the Warlock's apartment. Do you know how worried we all were? You told us you loved him, that you begged him to stay. But you're a liar. You're a liar and you're not my mother."
Maryse was crying earnestly, and Alec felt a twinge of guilt and regret. He shouldn't have come back to the Institute. Everyone is hurting because of him. He felt sick, he felt like a criminal.
Jace stared into her crying face for another second, and dropped her carelessly. He wiped his hands on the faded blue jeans as if he just touched something dirty. Alec bit his lip, feeling helpless and scared. Even though Alec knew that what his mother had done in the past was wrong, he can't help but feel sorry for her.
"Alec, are you alright?" Jace looked panicked and Alec isn't sure if he's alright. He feels nauseous, and his head is spinning and he's sure he's losing a bit of color, and the walls still seem too close and his heart is still beating erratically and he just doesn't know.
So he nodded shakily and swallowed thickly. "Jace, go get Isabelle." His voice sounded nothing like himself.
"But Alec-" Jace is confused. Doesn't his Parabatai want him in the room?
"Go!" And with one last hesitant look, Jace stalked out the door with a certain swagger he gets only after a victory. And maybe that's what this all his to Jace, this big game. Maybe he didn't really love Alec, just wanted something to protect, something to show he was tougher.
"Mother." Alec's voice is cold, he doesn't let it warm up, he's too scared. She looked up, tears still tracking down her face and Alec felt sorry for her. Genuinely sorry for her.
"Alec, honey. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like you didn't- That you weren't normal. I just, things haven't been right between me and your dad, I hope you know that." The implied meaning was there, and Alec doesn't know what to do, or say.
It was always Robert and Maryse Lightwood. They were never separate, their views were together, their lifestyle was totally in sync with the other's They were a power couple, they were the envy of many. To think that things weren't all smooth sailing for them, Alec was confused.
"I know, and I think I know how you feel. But you don't know how I feel, do you?" Alec's voice was shaky and he felt a bit childish. He honestly wanted to hear what his mother had to say to him.
His mother just blinked at him for a moment, her eyebrows strewn together in thought. "I think I do, baby. You think I don't love you."
And that's true, he does think that. So he nodded slowly, prompting her to continue.
"And... You blame me for this entire thing?" She asked, her voice sounding broken and almost a little angry.
"No. I just wonder how you did it. Jace is really mad, Mother. So is Isabelle, and that's the most unforgivable thing in this entire situation. You hurt my siblings. You hurt them, mom." And Alec wanted to feel angry, he wanted to lash out and make her scream and cry and apologize. But he can't, not when he knows this is all his fault.
She shook her head. "I know, I know. Alexander, believe me when I say I know. But I thought, because I didn't think you were ever going to come back, I thought it'd be better to let them think you passed on. It'd be healthier like that."
And still, no fury. Her words fell to seemingly deaf ears. He knows he should be mad, and can see she's expecting him to, but he can't.
"You let my siblings think I died?" Disbelief. That's all that comes out. And she looked scared, which caused a disgusting sort of happiness in Alec. But he knows it's wrong. He should be begging and grovelling for her to love him again.
She swallowed, and her delicate neck is shifting uncomfortably. "I'm so sorry, Alec. Please, just come home. Stay home. You're my son, and I get it now. If you love that Warlock, if he genuinely makes you happy, then it's okay. You can no whatever you like, just come home." She's begging and the words are foreign. It was like hearing her speak a whole new foreign language and he still doesn't know what to respond.
She wants him home, and she means the Institute. But the Institute doesn't have Magnus, and Magnus is home. But things aren't going right with Magnus, so he might as well make the best out of nothing. He's going to let Magnus run away anyways, might as well save himself the heartbreak and not be there to watch.
So he nodded. "Okay, mother." And she's smiling through her tears and it honestly gets Alec a little teary eyed. "But don't think this is for you. Jace and Izzy need me, you need their forgiveness as well."
And the smile dims, and he wants to apologize so mad and beg for that smile to come back. But he has to stay strong, for Izzy and Jace.
Then the stomach pain is back and it knocks the breath right out of his lungs. "Mom.. Hurts..." is all he manages to get out, and he's clutching one hand to his heart and the other to his stomach.
"Baby, what's wrong? What hurts?" She's concerned and she's going out of focus and Alec's genuinely scared he might die. Might die before apologizing to Magnus.
"Stomach. Stomach!" He screamed and it's hurting so bad he can't breathe.
She pressed a hand to his stomach and the kicking sensation stopped. "Better?" She asked and her hand doesn't move from Alec's stomach. It's worn thin through days without a proper meal except Pad Thai.
He nodded. It did feel better.
"Any other symptoms?" She asked and she looked panicked and scared, just like Alec.
"Umm.. Headaches, nausea, back pains. That's about it." He listed off to her, and she nodded after each symptom.
"I'm sure it'll pass honey, we just have to wait it out. It probably won't be anything drastic." She told him in an attempt to be soothing. He wasn't sure if it worked.
"ALEC!" Then the door is being pushed open to reveal a disheveled Isabelle with Clary and Jace in tow.
Her eyes narrowed at the woman whose hand still rested on Alec's stomach.
"Isabelle." He said weakly.
"Alec, I was so worried. I missed you so much." Alec could see what Isabelle was doing, emphasizing words and staring hatefully at her mother.
Where his mother's hand was ruefully brushed off by Isabelle, her hand replaced it. Her hand is softer, more feminine and it's also more welcome, less foreign.
"Isabelle." He pleaded weakly. But she just shushed him. "Shh."
"You. Get out." Isabelle pointed to the door expectantly, and Maryse Lightwood flinched.
"Isabelle, please."
But Isabelle's face was completely devoid of any sort of sympathy, the pair of strong eyebrows settling in an angry straight line and mouth pressed tightly. "Out." And he could see his mother staring from one emotionless face to the other. Jace's, then Clary's then finally his. He looked away.
With a sigh that sounded suspiciously like a sob, she left.
And honestly, Alec felt a huge weight being lifted from his chest. He looked around the room, staring at the faces.
Isabelle looked at him with worry and love. Jace looked at him with brotherly affection and slight apprehension. Then Clary, she looked just as fiery and full of fervor as he remembered. Even Clary, no matter how rude and cruel he was to her, she looked slightly scared with worry and even a hint of happiness to see him.
And Alec really, really feels like crying now. This is his family, these are the people who care about him and love him for him. He was thankful, so thankful. He smiled, and they all smiled back. He really did feel happy staring into a pair of golden eyes, then a pair of green eyes and finally a pair of dark brown ones.
He couldn't help but feel a set of beautiful green-gold eyes were missing.
A/N 2: Okay so I tried to minimize the swearing in this one, I forget not everyone curses as much as I do hehehe. And I need to get myself a beta, because my spelling and grammar was horrific in this one. I spent seriously 3/4 of the time editing this and there's probably still a bajillion mistakes, if you catch one I'd be mighty obliged to edit it.
Oh and Reviews feed the update bunny, just saying! If you feed the update bunny, it writes faster... ;)