A/N: Sorry for the wait guys, real life was being such a donkey. Long chapters and Mpreg are seemingly what the majority of you guys want, and your wish is my command ;)

Now on to the chapter~

Time passes too fast. When Alec thinks back on his life, it is a whirlwind of memories, moments and emotions. He wanted it to slow down, wanted to savor each moment he had. He didn't want to age, not when Magnus would never, would remain in a youthful body forever as he watches Alec's back hunch over and skin gather wrinkles.

He wished life was like watching a DVD. You could press pause, play, fast forward. But you can't pause it, time ticks on and Alec hates it. He wished he could fast forward through the tough parts of his life, didn't want to feel this incessant ache and emptiness he did. He was wasting time like this, being this shell, time he could be spending with his family. Time he could spend happy.

But especially, he hated how he had no control over it. Alec liked being in control, liked knowing everything was in order because he knew what to expect. Magnus always teased him, called him OCD, and Alec couldn't help but agree at some level.

Time ticked on, and Alec couldn't stop it. Couldn't do anything about it.

Soon, Magnus would be on his doorstep, and Alec couldn't do anything to stop it. Didn't know if he wanted to.

"Magnus? He's coming here?!" Jace shrieked in a way that Alec's never heard him before. It still held the same notes of manliness, and Alec was jealous. He was still perfect, even if he was shrieking like a pansy.

Alec wanted to feel the worry and nervousness he felt mere minutes ago, but it's gone, as fleeting as the love Magnus seemed to feel for him. He felt numb, out of touch with his body. He can't feel anything, but he could see Jace's angry expression, eyebrows raised and mouth set in a deep frown. He can see Isabelle's teeth bitten over two rosy lips in worry that he's going to explode or cry.

He could see them and could hear Jace ranting angrily about Magnus and Isabelle agreeing whole-heartedly, even if she was wary of Alec's reaction, or rather, lack of.

The funny thing is, Alec still has a reminiscent memory of who he once was, Alexander and what he'd do. Alexander would square his shoulders and tell Magnus to come, prepared for whatever the Warlock wanted to do. Alexander would hold his ground and not let some petty relationship troubles worry his mind. But Alec, Alec just wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep.

"Alec? Are you okay? Do you need to go lie down?" Isabelle's voice was hesitant, like Alec was a bomb waiting to explode. And Alec hoped he would explode, hoped he would finally have enough and just explode into millions and millions of pieces, never be able to be put back together. But all he felt was numbness. Nothing.

He stared at her blankly. He tried to use his voice, but he had no words to say. Nothing.

"Of course he's alright, he's Alec for Angel's sake! He's not some fair maiden in need of protection." Jace scolded with an eye roll. Jace's voice was so sure, like he really, truly believed in that lie. Like he honestly thought Alec was strong, that he was alright.

But Alec's not, of course. He was a lot of things (fucked up, awkward, gross, abomination), but he wasn't strong, and he definitely wasn't alright. That he knew for sure, he knew it as one of the only truths that he clung to in the dumb fog of his mind. He wasn't alright.

He had an extremely low self-esteem, for starters. He wished he could lean into the mirror and primp, puff his chest up and preen while he fixes his hair and check out his abs like he's seen Jace do millions of times. He wishes he could see what everyone tells him, that his eyes were exceptionally beautiful, that his black hair was soft and shiny, that his cheekbones were high and regal, all trademarks of the Lightwood family.

He hates the fact that the only thing he could see in the mirror was how broken he looked. Where everyone else saw clear bright sapphire eyes, he could only see sunken eyes that stared back at him, empty and dull.

He hates the mirror. Back when he was still in the closet, Alec was obsessed with it. Obsessed with it not even for vanity, but of fear. He was terrified that people would take one look at him and know. Know his sexuality, know that he was a freak. So that insecurity spawned the ugly sweater days, that ugly self-consiousness spawned the rather appalling fact that the brightest article of clothing in his wardrobe was a royal blue cashmere sweater, and that was a gift from Magnus.

Alec also had a possibly life-threatening tumor eating away at his body. He wasn't alright.

He had an almost ex-boyfriend that he was so, so gone for, yet he could never hold the attentions of the Warlock. He wasn't alright.

He had a pair of parents that could never love him, that never loved him. Every passing moment, he wished he didn't come out this way, that he could wake up and be straight and Jace-like. But he's not, because this disease, this sickness, will never go away. He will always love Magnus, and for once in his life, he wish he didn't.

He wasn't alright.

But he looked up into Isabelle's eyes and said, "I'm alright." Because no one can help him. No one will make him okay.

She let out a deep breath, as if she was waiting for that. "Good—good, as long as you're alright." she said, and she didn't look all that placated.

"Do you want to- I mean, do you want to see Magnus?" Jace asked, voice confident, but he stammered slightly.

Alec didn't really. He didn't want to do anything but sleep. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Jace kept going.

"I'm not exactly an expert in the field of homo relationships, but..." Jace paused, a brilliant but strangely fake smile shone out, "I know he hurt you. I don't know how, but I can see it. So that means that I have free range to use him as a dartboard."

"No. Don't hurt him." Alec responded immediately, not even thinking about it. The thought of Jace hurting Magnus sent his heart beating into a wild frenzy, and he knew, he knew that he would immediately choose Magnus' side, even though the Warlock didn't want him. Even though Jace was there for him through most everything. He would still choose Magnus, and Alec knew that instant, he didn't deserve Jace's trust.

"No promises. He hurts you, he won't be anything but a pile of ashes and a bunch of cheap jewelery." Jace's voice was firm. Alec half wanted to tell him that 'cheap jewelery' actually each cost the same amount as a small house apiece.

"Yeah, Alec. You don't have to take shit from anyone now. You have us." Isabelle was grinning that grin that is cocky and arrogant, it's a smile that he wishes he could pull off. Both Isabelle and Jace were confident, beautiful and best of all straight.

And Alec's throat swelled up, disabling him from talking. He has a family that loves him and would protect him, yet still, still he wishes for Magnus. Magnus who will never love him, not like he wants to be loved.

He felt like a screw-up all over again. A bratty little ungrateful prick. Why couldn't he finally just allow himself to be happy? Why must he pine for someone so close, yet so far away? Why could he not settle with having his family back? Why is he such a fuck up?

"I'll be fine, guys. I'm always fine." Alec's voice was cheery and fake, but his siblings could only hear the raw bitterness it held.

No one said anything. Alec slowly trudged from his spot on the floor to the bed. "I'm fine. Promise." He said, putting one hand on Isabelle's shoulder, sensing her distrust.

Alec felt hollow. The words came out, flowing like water in a stream. He wished his siblings didn't do this to him. That slowly by slowly, this was hurting him. He wished they didn't care, that they truly didn't care about him like he originally feared.

Because tears came easily. Heartache he could deal with. Forcing smiles and fake words were hard. Exhausting. Pretending to be okay was hard. Life's hard.

And Alec, just because he's so messed up, actually wishes for the times he's cried himself to sleep. Because all those times, he was beside Magnus, mere inches from touching. Even if he was sad, he was near Magnus, and he would honestly rather have that then this.

Feeling loved. Feeling worth it. Because he knows he's not. That even though every fiber in his body is telling him to be happy, to bask in his siblings' attentions, to smile and laugh and hell, frolick, he can't. Because that one, stubborn demon hiding in the front of Alec's mind reminds him day-by-day, it's not real. None of it was real.

Jace and Isabelle were going to forget about him soon. Magnus had one foot out the door of Alec's life. His parent's- gone, gone gone. He had no one, nothing but the memories of certain smiles he will never forget.

Jace's cocksure smile. A flick of plump lips, sides twitching up in a smirk, that would've been arrogant and cold, but all Alec could see was warm and home.

Isabelle's blinding smile, flashing pearly whites and revealing soft dimples at each cheek. It had the same cocky twang Jace's had, and Alec can't help but feel like the ugly duckling with the smile that didn't fit in.

Then Magnus'. His smile, admittedly was the one that stuck out the most to Alec. Teasing, a breath of laughter casting his face in this sort of beautiful glow, and all Alec could think was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

And later, Alec would blush thinking about it. He felt like those girls in crappy teen romance novels with vampires and werewolves. The guy surrounds you, makes you feel special, and you never want to forget. Never want him to forget about you.

"Alec, do you want to see him, truly? And no lies." Isabelle asked earnestly, and Alec knew it was a test. Knew that she knew him well enough to see through everything, but he refused to say what he really felt, because he knew that he didn't feel anything. Hollowness.

He wanted to tell them the truth, wanted to so bad, but he didn't know what the truth was. He knew he would always want to see Magnus, but he was scared. Of what, Alec really didn't know.

"I want to see him." It was the truth, not the whole truth, and Isabelle's shoulders sagged, forcing her slender frame to be pushed over her shoulders. He failed the test. He hurt Isabelle. He's such a fuck up.

He wanted to trust his siblings and truly be happy for once in his life, but he can't. He's scared of being hurt. He loved them, that he knew for sure.

But Alec's forgotten how to love.

"I want to see him, but I'm scared. I'm scared he might tell me something I won't want to hear." Alec added, his voice slipping into the sad (weak) voice, and Isabelle seemed happy again. She seemed to like when Alec was over-honest, and Alec wanted to see her like this more.

"It's okay, Alec." Jace said, and Alec's not so sure anymore.

The room was quiet, and it was uncomfortable. "I really missed you guys." Alec said quietly, eyes diverted to the ground, just to fill the uncomfortable silence.

Isabelle replied immediately. "We missed you too, you have to know that. You know that right?" She pressed, and Alec couldn't look at her or Jace. He couldn't see the desperateness in Isabelle's eyes as she tried to fix this, fix him. Because he's broken. He couldn't see the silent agreement in Jace's eyes and the slightly storminess in his expression. Anger he knew was not directed at Alec.

He knew that. But there's still that one annoying, spiteful part of Alec who refused to believed. Who didn't want to believe. Because he's scared, and he's weak.

But he didn't say that. "Of course, Izzy." He said with a fake smile and a hollowness in his chest.

She nodded, and looked content with just that.

Suddenly Alec was scared, everything just was too real, things going too fast. His heart beat wildly as his mind flashed through possible scenarios. What if Jace and Isabelle really made promise of their words, that maybe they really would hurt Magnus? That would most definitely ruin any chance Alec hoped for rekindling his love with Magnus.

"Don't hurt Magnus. When he comes, give us space, okay? If I need help, I'll call you." Alec's voice was serious, and he felt almost strong, a bit like the old him, a bit like Alexander.

"Alec, are you sure? I mean- okay. We'll keep away. But if that bastard tries anything, I'm kicking his ass." Jace said in a voice that didn't leave any room for debate.

Alec opened his mouth to respond, to say thank you, but was cut off by a smooth honey voice that he could pick out in any crowd, anywhere no matter how much time passed. Magnus.

"Alec." One word. Two simple syllables that made Alec's entire world crash down, and build itself back up.

Alec froze. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. He tried to convince himself that he was ready, ready to talk to Magnus.

He felt so different from two minutes ago, where he felt ready to face Magnus. But hearing his voice, seeing him so close to him, he wasn't.

It hit him then that him and Magnus haven't really talked, in an extremely long time. They argued, they fought, but they didn't talk.

Slowly, Alec turned around, eyes still cast to the floor. The first thing he saw were Italian leather shoes. The same pair Alec bought him for their three year anniversary. His eyes inched up, red skinny jeans, electric blue deep v-neck. Tall, tan throat. Then his face.

His breath caught in his throat. Still beautiful. His hair was down, looking incredibly soft and fluffy, different than the spikes he was used to. Same exotic slanted eyelids, same high cheekbones.

One look, and Alec's eyes were back to the ground. He turned to look at Isabelle and Jace, twin pair of glaring eyes staring at him. "Warlock." Isabelle said shortly, eyes distrusting and hateful.

"Miss Isabelle." Magnus' voice was light and airy, as if greeting an old friend, not a person with eyes that looked ready to kill him. But his eyes were still trained on Alec's frame.

"You hurt him. You step out of line. You say anything he doesn't want to hear, you're dead. Dead." Isabelle had surged forward, even in her heels, half a head shorter than Magnus, nimble hand caught in his collar, the other scrunched into a fist.

"Isabelle," Alec said quietly, and Isabelle let Magnus go, but fist remained clenched into tight balls. "Please."

"Don't forgive him too easily." She said, voice clipped and short. Then she stormed out, and all Alec could hear were the sharp clicking of her shoes down the hallway. Alec sighed, looking at Jace, begging him not to. Not to what, Alec wasn't sure.

"You heard Isabelle, Downworlder. You've already done enough to him, don't do anymore." Jace said, gave Alec one more meaningful look, and sauntered out, slamming the door behind him. Then short stomps down the hallway.

Then the room was completely silent. "Alec." Magnus said in that same silky voice. Alec looked up from a particularly interesting spot on the floor, and tried to look into Magnus' face. It sent his heart beating in that erratic beat, the same tempo as any other time he sees Magnus.

He can't look into those eyes, because he knows it will be his downfall. It would open the floodgates, would send him down a pit he would never be able to crawl out of. So he focused his eyes on the tall, thin nose.

Alec had no words. He wanted to yell and scream at him for lying to him, for not telling him his siblings were looking for him. He wanted to hug and kiss him, because he showed up, he looked for Alec.

Magnus sat down uninvited onto Alec's bed, a stark contrast of color and brightness against the neutral, boring, boring, boring room. He stared at the pile of shards that used to be Alec's phone, and smirked.

"So that's what happened to your phone. I was wondering why you weren't picking up or answering my texts." Magnus' words were teasing and casual, but he seemed different. Almost nervous-sounding, but Alec knew Magnus wasn't nervous. He was never nervous, always the epitome of calm and collected.

Alec nodded. "Magnus. Why?" His voice is quiet and soft, and he can feel emotion bubble up in his chest again. Because every time he's with Magnus, he's not a shell. He's a human with Magnus. A sorry excuse of a human, but he can feel again.

"Why what?" Magnus honestly looked confused, and Alec wanted to cry. It's happening, insane anger and sadness are bubbling up to the surface, and Alec just wanted to hurt and harm and kill. Why was it always him who has to deal with all this? Why does he always have to have things go wrong? Oh, wait, that bitter part of him knows already: Because you're a screw up.

"You didn't tell me that Jace and Isabelle were looking for me! I waited for a phone call, a doorbell, any sign they still cared. You- You saw me wait for them every day, and not once did you ever-" Alec had to stop. His chest was heaving heavily as he tried to hold back the tears. He can't, his head was spinning and he felt weak, and he just can't. Stray tears slipped down his cheeks, pausing to cling at Alec's long eyelashes before trickling down his cheeks.

Magnus stood up,inching toward him, hands held out and a certain type of sympathy in his eyes. Alec backed away, he doesn't want Magnus to touch him, because it would hurt too much. It would just be a cruel reminder to the time he was truly happy, for once in his life.

"Alexander-" There was that name again. Alec didn't want to hear it, didn't want anyone to call him that ever again, because he's not. He's not Alexander, he will never be Alexander anymore.

Magnus looked apathetic, even with his hand outreached to Alec. But the Shadowhunter just shook his head over and over, the tears blurring his vision.

He didn't know why he was crying, it just felt like too much, seeing Magnus was too much. He's too weak to deal with this.

"I'm sorry, Alexander." Magnus voice was all but a quiet husk. Alec wanted to believe he was apologetic, to believe he really meant it, but when he looked into his eyes for the first time in three days, all he saw was boredom.

The same boredom he found when they were arguing, or when Magnus was trying to distract him with meaningless compliments. Boredom, Alec hated it so much.

Because Magnus wasn't sorry, he didn't need to be. Suddenly, Alec just felt tired. That bone-tired exhaustion creeping back into his body.

"Why are you here Magnus?" Alec asked, voice as tired as he felt. He wanted to jump into the Warlock's arms, let himself be happy for a while, before that emptiness sunk its ugly teeth back into Alec.

He looked surprised at the question, as if he didn't know how he ended up here. Alec continued to look at him, continued to memorize the way the low light seemed to bring out the glow in the Warlock's skin and eyes, and they way his hair fell softly over his face, curling near his chin. Alec's heart hurt in a stubborn ache he could never get rid of.

"I'm here because I was worried about you." He said finally, and Alec wanted to believe so bad. But again, looking into those eyes, all there was was that empty glare. Bored.

"I'm-" Alec was about to say fine, to lie in that way he was so used to. But remembering the Silent Brother's words, he was supposed to tell him about his condition, was supposed to ask for help. But looking into those bored orbs, he couldn't spit it out. There were other Warlocks in their area, it didn't have to be Magnus, right?

Alec didn't want to make Magnus even more bored than before. But mostly, he was scared of the Warlock touching him in that caring way that he has touched and healed Magnus in the past. Like he was a precious treasure, to be loved and cherished. He doesn't want to remember that, and feel the clinical emotionless touching Magnus would be sure to do. Because he's not Alexander.

"-fine. I'm fine." Alec pressed his lips into a thin line, the tears already dried, leaving his voice a little hoarse.

Magnus looked wary, like he didn't believe a single word of it. Mostly because he didn't. "You don't look fine. You've lost weight, and you've only been gone two days."

Alec just shrugged noncommittally. "It's nothing, really." It's something. It's definitely something.

Magnus nodded slowly, and that awkward silence pulled back over them, washing them in a heavy fog. "I'm sorry, Alexander. I didn't mean to cause you pain." The apology was diplomatic, as if he was reading from a card. It was said in a completely monotone voice, and Alec knew he didn't mean it.

Magnus was alive for well over half a century, and yet he could count on one hand how many times he's apologized.

Isabelle's words flashed through his memory, but Alec knew it was useless. Because with one look into those beautiful eyes, Magnus was forgiven. He's always going to be forgiven.

Alec just stared into Magnus' eyes, trying to remember just how he looked when he was still in love with Alec.

Magnus just stared right back, and Alec couldn't help but feel a bit self-conscious in his four-sizes-too-big pajamas that he never bothered to change out of from the Infirmary.

"Let's go home, Alec. Chairman misses you." said Magnus in a tone of finality, like he was ordering Alec to, not a harmless suggestion. Magnus did that a lot, made suggestions into orders.

Chairman misses you. Not I miss you. Never I miss you.

And Alec really did want to go home, cuddle on the couch with Chairman Meow and drink Chai tea and sleep in silky canary sheets, but that's not his home, not really. So he shook his head, and Magnus froze, not expecting that.

Neither him or Alec was used to Alec defying his 'suggestions'. Magnus' eyes flashed with panic, but then was gone. The boredom replaced it. "No offense to your siblings, but if I stay here any longer, I'm afraid Isabelle will make truth of her words." A fake half smile, probably to cover the boredom.

Magnus obviously came to the Institute to collect Alec and take him back to the flat. But why?

"I'm not going to your apartment Magnus." Alec's voice was stronger now, and he really didn't want to be saying those words. Because he wanted to, wanted to go home. Wanted to be with Magnus.

Then there was silence, Magnus' face still the stoic mask. "When are you going, then?" he asked, as if purposefully not processing the words. Magnus was supposed to sound shocked, or maybe even a little defiant, but he wasn't supposed to sound bored. But he did, because Alec was boring.

"I'm not. I'm moving back into the Institute." Alec said, completely void of emotion. He looked into Magnus' eyes, begging him to say something. Begging him to tell Alec that he wanted him to come home, to stay by his side.

But there was only silence, Magnus scanning Alec's face for jesting, or perhaps even lie. His face was still blank. "Alec. I-"

Alec didn't want to hear it, because he knew it wasn't going to be '-love you'. The one thing he needed to hear.

"I'm going to go with you to collect my things, but I'm coming back. I need my siblings, I need my family." Alec said and then turned and walked out, tears already streaming again.

Magnus stood frozen, still stepping on the shards of Alec's phone. And heart.

"What about us? Are we over?" Magnus called after him, and there was definitely some hope in his words. Hope that they truly were over, Alec bet.

Alec turned around, hand still clutched around the door knob. "I don't know."

A/N 2: Angst. Angst. Angst. Welp, hope that was worth the wait :)

WE HIT 50 REVIEWS! I can't. I'm done. Can I go die now? *flails* Thanks so much to everyone who has stuck by this story, followed it, favorited it, and reviewed it.

You guys are my motivation, the reason I write, really. So thank you.

(The next chapter gets a bit hot and heavy with the taste of lemons (wink) so review and I might just post it a little faster) *shameless bribing* I'm still a review whore. I'm not proud.