8/4/13-UPDATE- MISTAKES FIXED!
A/N: Ahh! A week without updating! Well.. I'm sorry. I actually wrote this one three days ago, but couldn't post because I got extremely sick. But enough with my excuses, because I'm pretty sure none of you care.
Oh and as promised, this chapter get's a little, ahem, interesting shall we say, so all those not willing to read interesting things, just ignore this chapter completely :D
Now that we got that out of the way- Here it is
"Where are you going?" The sharp fear clung to her words like a vice. Alec looked up to see his Mother's worried gaze on him. Her hands sat on her hips just like the bags sat under her eyes. He looked behind her, expecting her husband to be behind her. He breathed a sigh of relief when there wasn't another soul in sight.
"Jace and Isabelle won't like you talking to me." Alec said, ignoring her question. She didn't deserve to pretend to care about him when just a couple of weeks ago she was pretending he didn't exist. The sad, pitiful feelings toward himself and his mother were mostly gone, the void filled with spite and anger.
"I asked you a question, Alexande-" She started, pausing immediately when Alec's eyes snapped up to her.
"I'm Alexander, now? Mother, I do recall just last year I was a fag. An abomination. Don't pretend anything changed." Alec's words were cruel, spitting Maryse's own slurs back to her. She didn't get to break him down and pretend to be a worried mother at the same time. She can chose one or the other, but it's going to take a lot more than what she's given him so far.
Maryse flinched as if she was slapped, before a fiery glaze covered her blue eyes he took after. "I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say sorry, Alexander? How many times? When will you stop acting like a drama queen?"
Her eyes went wide as soon as she said it, but the damage was done. Alec looked at her with disdain, steeling his eyes and pressing his lips together.
"I'm sorry" Her whispered apology just added salt to the wound. She wasn't sorry, not at all. It was exhausting. He couldn't tell which was worse, caring Maryse or homophobic, cruel Maryse.
"No you're not." Alec said simply and turned on his heel, dragging the empty suitcase behind him.
He didn't take two steps out the door when he heard Isabelle's high pitched voice calling for him.
"Alec!" He turned, smiling at her serenely, if a bit forced.
"Where are you going?" She asked immediately, seeing his suitcase. It was weird to hear the same phrase come out of Isabelle's mouth as their Mother's. It was even weirder to think about the difference of emotions Alec felt with each person. When Maryse said it, he only felt disbelief and confusion and a smidgen of anger. With Isabelle, he felt cared about and familiar.
"I'm going with Magnus to his apartment to get my stuff. Then I'm coming back" Alec said, walking a little faster as he heard Maryse's tentative footsteps behind them. "Alec-" She whispered and Isabelle immediately turned her head, and gave her Mother the death glare of the century.
"Do you want us to come?" Isabelle asked while tying her long hair back with a rubber band. Alec shook his head. "No, I need to do this myself."
"Whatever you want, Alec." Isabelle was silent for a moment, as if she wasn't sure what to say, which was a rather unfamiliar sight for Alec. He was too used to Isabelle's extremely talkative ways, always blabbering on and on about nothing and everything. That innocence and spark seemed to be lost as many things have gone the year they were apart.
"I'm sorry Alec." Isabelle said, and she seemed a bit ashamed of herself. Alec looked up, obviously confused. What had Isabelle done? Panic gripped at Alec's heart.
"What for?" Alec asked cautiously, and he stopped walking, frozen in one spot.
"I'm sorry for treating you like you're some delicate china-doll. I know you hate it." Isabelle explained, her front teeth worrying her bottom lips nervously. Alec exhaled, he had been preparing for the worst. And of course, now he felt like an asshole, because of course Isabelle would never betray him.
"It's fine." It wasn't fine. All that excess doting hurt, hurt more than the slurs from Maryse and Robert. It got his hopes up for nothing, because as soon as they realize how disgusting and boring he is, they're worried voices will just turn mocking and far away, just as Magnus' had.
"You're not weak, Alec. Never think of yourself as weak. You're the strongest person I know." Isabelle placed both hands on his bony shoulders, looking into his eyes, trying to channel truth and desperation into her own eyes. Alec just stared back at her.
"You had so much happen to you. It's not fair. And I know you think you're a-" Isabelle swallowed as if continuing hurt, "fuck-up, but you're not. At all. You just had a lot of crap happen to you."
Alec closed his eyes suddenly, feeling a horrible lurch in his stomach all of a sudden, and he wasn't sure if it was his disease,or the impending feelings of dread manifesting. Isabelle has no idea how messed up Alec is. How willing he was to run away with a Downworlder if Magnus still wanted him, away from Isabelle and Jace. The two people that cared for him the majority of his life.
"Just remember that, okay?" She pressed and Alec just gave a nod, which wasn't much but a short bob of his head. She let out a breath, but her face broke into a beautiful smile. "Good." As if she really believed Alec at all.
Apparently Alec wasn't the only Lightwood child capable of lies.
"Where's Jace?" Alec asked, craning his head to look into Jace's room through the open door. It was empty.
Isabelle smirked suddenly. "He's dealing with Robert." It was weird how natural Isabelle saying Robert was. Like almost two decades of calling him dad meant nothing. Isabelle seemed to have no problem forcing her birth parents out of her life, something Alec has yet to learn.
"What happened?" Alec asked, regretting the fact that his mind was utterly consumed with flashes of Magnus.
"Okay so Robert, the prick completely blew up when he saw Magnus. Then Magnus got kicked out, not that he put up much of a fight, so he's outside right now. Then Jace was all 'you have no right to jump in our lives again' Then Robert was all "Shut up don't talk to me like that!" And-" Isabelle was talking animatedly as if a full out duel between her father and brother was just daily occurrence. Like it was the latest gossip or something.
And of course, nearing Alec's room, there indeed was fighting. "You're not my father. You never have been. Not since the first time you spat your filthy words at Alec." Jace's voice was melted gold, smooth but dangerous, it would burn you if you weren't careful.
"What kind of father does that? Alec tried so hard, and over and over, you prove yourself to be an asshole."
"Isabelle..." Alec said weakly, not wanting to hear this, not wanting to hear his brother and father fued over him.
"He's right. Robert's a dick." Isabelle whispered back, before slamming the door open with superhuman strength, the doorknob a shriveled up piece of metal that fell with a clang on the floor.
The scene before him was painful, to say the least. The first thing he noticed were the necklace of finger shaped bruises encircling Jace's neck.
Then he noticed the state of his room. It looked like a tornado had hit, books lying on the floor, a fist shaped hole punched into the wall. "Alec,"Jace breathed, his wavy golden hair falling over his eyes gently. Alec didn't say anything, just looked at the scene with horror in his eyes.
Alec remained frozen to the floor. He can feel his father's eyes on him, intruding and penetrative, and suddenly all that anger was gone, replaced with cold, iron dread and fear. "You," It was spat like it was a curse word, with disdain and satisfaction that made Alec's blood turn cold.
Admittedly, it was a huge step up from the rather colorful arsenal of homophobic slurs Alec knew first hand his father had no problem saying. He refused to look at him, instead focusing on the five finger shaped bruises on Jace's neck. "I'm going with Magnus to the apartment. Getting my things." He informed Jace, voice quiet against the tenseness in the room. He's scared of saying something wrong, saying something to make his father angrier.
Jace's eyes flickered between Alec and Robert Lightwood. "Okay. Call us if you need help." Jace responded, and Alec almost felt dismissed in a way.
"Don't come back." Robert Lightwood's words was like a punch to a stomach. Just three words, three words that were so innocent by themselves, but connected together and vilified through his mouth was more painful then a lot of things Alec felt in his life.
Suddenly, the rage is back, twisting Alec's face and heart till it was unrecognizable. It felt exhilarating, to feel something other than that meaningless emptiness. It felt good to have anger running through his veins, making his blood boil and there was that feeling again, he needs to fight, he needs to bite, to hurt.
So Alec did. He jumped, like a bobcat tackling his prey with grace and elegance, and there was that carnal need that rushed through him when he was hunting demons. Adrenaline and sweat and mercilessness.
Over and over, Alec's fist connected with Robert's face and chest, and the sound of bones cracking and the smell of blood flowing filled the room.
Alec paused in horror as he saw the liquids dripping down his father's face, which was immediately his own down fall. Robert raised a hand and punched Alec as hard as he could, the side of his face and the majority of his cheek quickly turning red and blotchy and purple. It hurt like a motherfucker. "I'm sorry." Alec whispered, hand clutching the injury. His eyes were wide like a doe's in disbelief, like he didn'
That anger that Alec so desperately clung to was gone. Only regret, deep and bitter. Robert pushed him off as if he weighed nothing, and Alec fell to floor with a clump, his head spinning and his stomach clenching painfully as his eyes stung with tears. "You're a disgrace. I wish you were never born." His father's voice was nasally because of the fist Alec delivered to his nose. Alec felt that disgusting bone tiredness, exhaustion.
Then his father was out the door, his angry stomp and Alec was sorry. He completely ignored Jace and Isabelle's pleas to talk to them, to say something, because there was nothing to say. He was so sorry, so regretful and there was just no words. "Alec?" Their worried shouts just got louder and louder as the tears fell down his eyelashes, dropping on the uncarpeted floor. "Alec!"
But there were still no words, nothing to say. The bitter remorse filling up his throat till all he could get out were gasps and sobs. He dared put his hands on his father. The person he wanted to please so bad, for more than eighteen years of his life. "I'm so sorry. I'm so-" Babbling. There's still nothing he can say or do to take away that guiltiness.
He could vaguely hear Isabelle and Jace yelling at him, saying it's not his fault, that his father deserved it but it's not true. Not a damn word of it. It's their damn father, how can they say these things? How can he so ruthlessly lay hands on his father
Soon the gasps and muffled sobs gave away to tiny hiccups and the stream of tears turn into a slightly shiny trail down both cheeks. He hated it, hated crying, but it was much less destructive than the anger. Crying just showed how weak and pathetic he was, punching and kicking and fighting hurt people in a way that he never wanted to again.
Jace's eyes, in the dim lightening of Alec's room, didn't seem to have a color. They didn't look like the honey brown eyes Alec often saw, but they seemed like worried orbs of light, bright and illuminating. He's shaking Alec's shoulder as Alec just looked blankly back at him. "I'm fine."
There was that lie again that Alec couldn't help but say over and over. If he said it many times, will it finally sink in? Will he finally be fine? Alec wished.
He's pulled to his feet by Isabelle. "Do you still want to go with the Downworlder? You can stay here and go another day?" Isabelle asked, handing Alec a tissue to wipe his tears. He took it gratefully and rubbed his face furiously with it, wanting to dry up the tears and all evidence of his weakness as fast as possible.
"I do. I have to." Alec answered her, hating how feeble and frail his voice sounded. But he had to. He had to go with Magnus, had to move out faster, had to see what their relationship really was. He had to see if there was any chance of repairing what was broken. Isabelle and Jace both looked slightly hesitant, but quickly schooled their face into one of trust and security. Alec was too lucky to have them as siblings.
He walked over, picking up his suitcase and giving them one last shaky smile before he was out the door.
Outside, Magnus was waiting for him, sitting on the steps. He looked up as he saw Alec's face, frowned slightly and stood up. "Alec." He reached for Alec's face, the angry looking bruise standing out against Alec's fair skin.
Alec blinked at the large hands coming to cup his face, and he immediately flinched away. Magnus didn't want to touch him, no one wanted to touch someone as disgusting as him. He looked into his green-gold eyes and saw only slight irritation even when the rest of his features twisted into a hurt expression. Alec ignored it, feeling that guiltiness volcano up from earlier.
They walked in silence, and still, after all those years of pointless chatter and happiness, there was nothing to say.
"Alexander," There was that damned name again, "Please, tell me what's wrong." Magnus begged from the bed as his Shadowhunter meticulously started folding his clothes from the floor. Alec opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he couldn't think of anything to say.
"You're going to forget about me one day." Alec admitted softly, and even he was surprised with himself. He didn't dare look into Magnus' eyes as he flattened down a wrinkle on a particularly threadbare sweater. "But it's okay. Really it is." It wasn't okay. It hurt, the thought of Magnus moving on and loving another squeezed his heart till it felt like it was going to explode. He still refused to look at Magnus, putting the folded shirt into the suitcase.
"I will never, ever forget about you. All the rest of them, they never mattered next to you. I loved you the most." Magnus said and Alec knew he should be screaming and fighting. He should be asking him all sorts of questions, ranging from 'THEN WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?' to 'WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ANYMORE?'. But still, he pretended he was okay, untangling his forest green shirt from Magnus' silky gold shirt that swirled in Alec's hand like water.
Still no words as his heart was pounding faster and faster against his chest. He should be jumping up in joy and laughing and being happy that Magnus cared enough about him to say these things. But still, none of it was real. Alec knew that.
"Alec! Please say something, my darling." Magnus begged but it was still too good to be true. Alec still didn't look into Magnus' eyes, because maybe if he didn't see that dreaded boredom, he could convince himself it was real. It didn't work.
He rubbed his hands on his thighs, staring at the large pile of clothes yet to be folded. "Nothing to say." But that was a lie. There were so many things to say, so many answers Alec needed. Alec stood up, deciding he needed a lint roller for his lintier articles of clothing. Folding clothes was easier than dealing with this. Pretending he didn't care was easier than this.
Walking to the dresser and still refusing to look at Magnus, he heard rustling from the bed. He continued digging through the drawers as if he heard nothing. Suddenly he felt the presence of somebody behind him. Magnus' hands cupped his face, forcing him to look at his face. "Alexander, please." He begged, and Alec trailed his gaze hesitantly from the cherry of Magnus' chin to his eyes. Bored. Bored. Bored.
"Just let me heal you, I hate seeing you hurt." The words were halfway out his mouth before blue sparks started flowing from Magnus' fingers, sucking the pain and purpleness from Alec's cheek. Magnus hated seeing him hurt. It was almost a joke, as a bruise on his cheek was a small prick next to the heaviness of Alec's heart. Alec flicked his eyes back down to the mouth cooing at him.
"Thank you." It was a diplomatic thank you, as if thanking the lady that just opened a door for you, or the cashier at the store. Nothing like a lover's thank you.
"You're worth it." Magnus replied easily, and Alec wasn't sure whose words were faker. The pain was gone and judging from the mirror, the disgusting purple and yellowness gone as well. But still Magnus refused to let go of his face. He tried tugging away, to no avail.
"Magnus, let go." Alec's voice is flat, steeling his hand around Magnus' arms and pushing at him. He refused to acknowledge the warmness surrounding him, or the smell of sandalwood and cinnamon and home. But still, Magnus' hands are cupped around his face, as he stared at Alec with a certain type of intensity. "Magnus, please."
The close proximity just reminded of Alec of what they used to be, what they are now, and what they will never be. They were always caring of each other, healing each other, touching. Alec really hated the fact that this closeness that he was so used to before, just felt foreign and strange. "Alexander, please don't go." Magnus' voice is silky and soft, as if talking to a wounded animal. Alec sighed, forcefully pushing the hands away from his face.
Magnus didn't know touching him hurt. Because as soon as Alec felt those warm hands on his skin, he's only reminded of the fact that he hasn't touched him like this in a long time. That those hands that used to be a familiar presence against him now just felt foreign and strange. It hurt.
Alec sat down on the bed and rubbed his face with his hands. "No, I have to. I can't look at you right now." His voice wavered slightly, staring down on the floor. Magnus made a sort of sad hissing sigh, and Alec could see a slipper covered foot walking in front of him.
Magnus knelt down in front of Alec, again reaching up with those ringed fingers, and pulled Alec's chin up sharply. "And why is that, darling?" Alec was forced to look into those eyes, and for once, they weren't bored looking. They looked exasperated and annoyed, and Alec wasn't sure if it was better or worse than the boredom.
"Enough with the pet names, Magnus. I'm not your darling, I haven't been for a while." Alec bit his lip and tried to avoid Magnus' gaze all together. He knew in his heart of hearts, he would always end up giving Magnus what he wanted if he continued looking into those beautiful eyes.
"Nonsense," Magnus scoffed and even that was graceful sounding, "You will always be my darling." He spoke those words as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. As if he really believed it, and Alec was just tired of figuring it out anymore. Jace, Isabelle, Magnus. Alec could never tell if they were serious.
"Then why didn't you tell me about Jace and Isabelle? Why? You knew this entire time and you did-" Alec took deep breaths feeling that familiar prickle in his eyes, staring into Magnus' eyes desperately. He needed to know. He really, really did.
Magnus didn't say anything, just stared into Alec's eyes, his eyes more gold than green. "Alexander," he breathed, letting go of Alec's chin.
"Why?" Alec repeated, "You saw me cry myself to sleep for a whole year, and still yo-" Alec was silenced by Magnus' lips on his. Two hands slithered forward and held Alec's arms down as he fought to push Magnus away. Alec was pushed down onto the bed, Magnus between his legs, their lips never leaving each other's.
They were breathing the same air, and Alec felt that anger splash up to the surface again. He had to know. He had to. He tore his lips away from Magnus'.
"Get off." Alec's voice was breathless but hard, pushing a hand against the Warlock's pectoral, ignoring the way Magnus' heart was pounding underneath. When he didn't make any move to get off, Alec pushed harder. Magnus looked hurt, and he had no right to. "Please, Alexander." His voice was hoarse and it was an unfamiliar tone to Alec.
"No, Magnus. You can't just ignore me for the past two years and kiss me when I say I'm leaving. It just doesn't work like that." Alec rolled away from Magnus, his back facing Magnus. "I just want to know why, Magnus. Please."
"They hurt you." He said simply. "Please don't go."
Alec closed his eyes and curled his hand around the pillow he spent days crying into about his siblings. "I have to, Magnus. I can't look at you, it hurts too much." Alec repeated, blinking back the tears. Alec wanted to stay, wanted to more than anything. But thinking about those bored eyes and annoyance that twisted Magnus' face, he couldn't.
Magnus didn't say anything for a while, and their quiet breathing filled the room quickly.
Suddenly, Alec was pushed to lie flat on his back, Magnus pressing him into the mattress. "I love you." The words hurt, they hurt so bad. Alec wished he could feel butterflies in his stomach and happiness and all the emotions that come with being loved by the person you love. He hated how he only felt sadness and disbelief. He looked blankly at Magnus, face mere inches from each other's.
He ignored how fast his heart was beating, how well his body reacted to Magnus'. "I love you more than anything." And it was the truth. The truth that he hated so bad, the truth he wished wasn't. Magnus smiled at that, and it looked a bit solemn and sad. "But you're still going to go." It wasn't a question. It was a statement and Alec nodded, looking away.
Then Magnus' lips are on his neck. "No." Alec whimpered as Magnus' sticky with lip gloss mouth continued to kiss and suck at his long neck. "Please, Magnus." He paid no heed to his words, instead opting for grinding the heel of his hand into Alec's crotch. Alec moaned and curled his hands around the bedsheets.
"Tell me to stop." Magnus continued nuzzling and kissing at Alec's neck while simultaneously unbuttoning Alec's pants. Alec threw his head back on the pillow, loosening his hold on the sheets.
And Alec couldn't tell him to stop. He wanted to, he knew if he didn't he would end up getting hurt, but he just couldn't. This physical need and touching replaced the emptiness that only Magnus' love could fill. The words that Magnus purred at him, flowering compliments and distractions didn't feel real at all. But his touch, his warmth felt real as if Alec really mattered to him. But even when he felt the Warlock's lips on his, it felt strangely artificial, like a dream.
Magnus tugged Alec's pants off, leaving him in boxers and feeling extremely self-conscious. "Magnus..." Alec groaned, pushing at said Warlock's chest. He was confused. He didn't know what he wanted, didn't know if he wanted Magnus on him like this. "Please." The plea could be for more, or for him to stop, Alec just didn't know.
"I love you. I want you with me forever." Magnus whispered and that caused a pang in Alec's heart. Magnus' life would go on and on, and Alec would be lucky to live to see his thirty-fifth birthday. Shadowhunters die young, they would die happy and heroes, but Alec didn't want to die. Not without Magnus.
"No you don't." Alec whispered back, tugging his hands into Magnus' hair. Magnus didn't say anything, and that was just a testimony to Alec's truth. But for that moment, Alec couldn't bring himself to care. Not when Magnus' crotch ground sharply into his. They both groaned in unison, and for a second, Alec didn't care. He didn't care about his parents, or Jace or Isabelle, or the fact that Magnus didn't care about him beyond his body. He didn't care about anything. It was refreshing in a way, a sharp contrast to Alec's constant worrying and fretting. He just didn't care anymore.
Magnus continued his torturous grinding, rubbing his cloth covered crotch into Alec's. Then the sensation was gone, and Alec almost cried at the loss. "Tell me to stop,"Magnus whispered into Alec's ear, before biting at it gently. Alec shivered at the sensation.
The Warlock always did know exactly what buttons to press, how to touch Alec till he was nothing more but a whimpering mess on the bed. He always appreciated this fact, but when the thought of exactly how many people he's slept with before Alec to gain that type of experience, Alec wasn't sure anymore.
Then Alec's striped boxers are gone, leaving him bare to Magnus' hungry gaze. Alec blushed slightly at the intensity of his eyes, and moved his hand to try and cover himself. But of course, Magnus sensed his insecurity, and grabbed his hand. "You're beautiful." He whispered before pressing a kiss to the palm of Alec's hand.
Alec sighed. If he could close his eyes, he could pretend none of this was happening. That he was still healthy and happy and Magnus and him were still in love. Not this weird half almost one-sided-ness.
With no preamble, Magnus' hand was gripping Alec's warmth, pulling and squeezing till Alec was gasping for breath. He smirked as he saw the Shadowhunter fall apart on the mattress. "Feel good, sweetpea?" He teased, voice low and hot.
Alec just moaned and thrust his hips up to meet Magnus' hand. Magnus chuckled, deep and throaty. Alec felt more warmness pool in the pit of his stomach.
But soon Magnus' lack of nakedness bothered Alec. He needed to see him, had to verify that he was real, had to bask in Magnus' beauty. He sat up, pulling Magnus' tight shirt over his head and he gasped at what he found.
A hickey the size of a quarter sat above one perky nipple that obviously wasn't Alec's doing. He looked up slowly from the teethed bruise to Magnus' face. "Alec, wait." Magnus looked desperate, the lust induced cloudiness soon disappeared from his eyes, replaced easily with panic. Not that Alec got to see it.
But it was too late. Alec grabbed a sheet and damn near ran to the en-suite bathroom. He was so stupid. So, so stupid.
Thedoor locked with a sharp click. He wrapped the sheet around himself, the tears already falling. He ignored the banging on the door, ignored Magnus shouting his name, shouting apologies. And of course, Alec had no right to be crying. Because he should've known.
The tears streamed down faster and faster, and Alec felt dirty. Dirty and used. And so, so stupid.
A/N 2: Well that was kind of bad and not at all what you were suspecting huh. I'm not happy with this chapter, but it'll have to do. -sigh-
(Theres probably a bajillionkazillion mistakes in this one, I blame it on my fever-induced blurriness.)
I hope that was good enough, and I am happy to say that WE HIT 70 REVIEWS! But keep them coming ;)