Kabuto found his master lying in the pit of snakes. He appeared to have numerous snake bites and he was bleeding a lot.

As he treated Orochimaru's wounds, the snake man said, "Kabuto. I want all plans that include the Akatsuki or that Arashi girl burned." Kabuto raised an eyebrow, "But you've been planning this for-"

"I DON'T CARE!" Orochimaru snapped, "Those people are insane! There's this … thing with seven heads! And this one person's a guy, but he looks like a girl! How messed up is that?" Orochimaru stuck his tongue out and cleaned his eyeball with it. Kabuto's eye twitched, "… Very messed up, sir. I'll burn the plans."

Orochimaru retracted his tongue, "Kabuto, take off your clothes now." The medic turned red, "Now? But-"

"NOW!" Orochimaru roared. Kabuto sighed and began to take off his pants.

------

"So let me get this straight," Iji said after Hidan and Deidara had fallen asleep. They had set up camp, and were gathered around the fire. Kashira sat next to Iji and Kawauso was behind Arashi. "You joined Akatsuki."

"Yep," Kawauso and Arashi answered in unison. "A group of S-ranked criminals?" Iji continued.

"Uh… Actually they're…" Arashi started. "A… group of… ballet dancers?" Kawauso suggested.

Iji stared and then glanced at Deidara, who was sound asleep. "Okay, maybe Blondie, but not Hidan. I can't imagine him in tights… In fact, I don't want to."

"I do!" Clueless chirped. Kashira and the other heads stared at him.

Iji sighed, "Well I guess the only good news is that we don't have to worry about Orochimaru anymore. But…" the Fenikkusu lowered his voice, "The Yokushin?"

Arashi groaned, "Listen, we only met up with Tenshinhige and Sagegami. We don't know if Tanran is really planning anything yet." Iji narrowed his eyes, "He probably is though. Alright, you stay with your… Ballet class… Kashira and I will investigate."

Arashi frowned, "Aw come on! Don't you wanna meet everyone?" Iji shivered, "I'd rather not, actually. Men in tights… Ew. We'll leave tomorrow morning."

-----

Hidan awoke to find Kawauso lying on top of him, drooling. He shot up, pushed the otter off of him, and brushed himself off. Deidara and Arashi were already awake… and making out.

Arashi glanced over in Hidan's direction and immediately pulled away from Deidara. Her face was red, "Oh! You're awake!"

"So it would seem," Hidan mumbled, "Where's Iji?"

Arashi sighed, "He left. We tried to wake you up, but you sleep like a log. He left a few hours ago."

"Whatever." Hidan began to pack up their things, "Let's just get out of here."

Arashi exchanged a worried glance with Kawauso before running to catch up with Deidara and Hidan, who had already started to leave. "Uh, can't we fly?" Arashi asked.

Hidan shrugged and continued to walk, "Forget about it. We're walking." Arashi frowned at this, "I'm tired of walking. Carry me, Hidan."

"No." Hidan answered without meeting her eyes. Arashi glared at him and transformed into her weasel form. She crawled onto Hidan's shoulder and plopped down on top of his head.

"Get. Off," Hidan ordered. Arashi snickered, "No." The Jashinist sighed, "Fine. Just don't scratch me." The weasel grinned, "I'll try my hardest to refrain from doing so." She caught Kawauso's golden eye. She returned his look.

Hidan had not sworn since he had woken up.

-----

"Thank God we're home," muttered Arashi as she opened the doors to the base, "Thought I was gonna die." She watched Hidan quickly walk down the hallway and into his room. The door slammed shut. The kunoichi glanced at Deidara. He shrugged and headed for his own room.

"Kawauso…" Arashi began. "Not now," the otter ordered, "I'm going to get something to eat." He made his way for the kitchen.

Arashi sighed and decided to go back to her own room. But before she opened the door, she stopped. Advice. She needed some of that. Arashi let go of the handle and knocked on Konan's door.

The blue-haired female opened the door and squealed, "Oh my gosh! You're back!" Arashi rubbed the back of her head, "Yeah, although…" Konan turned serious, "Hm. Relationship problems?" Arashi nodded. Konan shook her head and pulled Arashi into her room.

She sat on her bed, "Which one?" she asked. "Hidan," Arashi replied solemnly. Konan raised an eyebrow. Yeah, Arashi didn't really see it coming either. "Really? What's wrong?"

Arashi plopped down next to her. "I don't know! He just seems… gloomy." Konan nodded, "Maybe he thinks he's losing you to Deidara." Seems logical.

"Okay. What should I do then?" Konan smiled at Arashi's question, "Make him jealous." Arashi stared at her, "How?"

Konan shrugged, "There are a number of ways. I'm sure you'll find one."

Arashi left the room, breaking out in a wide smirk. This was going to be fun. Now then, who did Hidan hate most in the world…?

-----

Hidan was absentmindedly fiddling with his rosary when Arashi burst through his door. Hidan shot up into a sitting position on his bed, "What?"

Arashi was panting, and she looked scared, "Hidan!" She cried. Hidan ran to her side and draped an arm around her, "What?" he repeated.

The brunette began to cry, "Kakuzu…" Hidan froze, "Kakuzu what?"

"Kakuzu got me pregnant!"

And then, Hidan was gone. Arashi smiled, "Hm. That was easier than I thought."

Hidan ran to Kakuzu's room and slammed the door open. "KAKUZU!" Kakuzu blinked and turned to face his partner. He was counting his money. Woah. Did not see that coming. "What?" the miser asked in a bored tone.

Hidan pounced on Kakuzu and pinned him to the ground, "Pedophile!" He hissed. Kakuzu glared at the Jashinist, "What?" Hidan returned the glare with twice as much malice. The silver-haired man began to slam Kakuzu's head against the floor, "ARASHI'S PREGNANT," he screeched.

And at that exact moment, Tobi just had to walk by. He paused when he heard Hidan's voice. Beneath his mask, Tobi's eyes grew wide. The masked shinobi ran to Deidara's room and opened the door, "Deidara-sempai!"

Deidara groaned and crushed the clay bird he was making. He whipped his head around to glare at Tobi, "What, hmm?"

"Hidan got Arashi-chan pregnant!"

Kawauso ran into Deidara's room, "WHAT?" Tobi nodded, "It's true! Tobi heard Hidan say it!" Kawauso screamed, "OH MY GOD!" Kisame walked by, "Ugh, what's with all the yelling?"

"ARASHI'S PREGNANT!" Deidara, Kawauso, and Tobi cried. Zetsu sprang out of the ground, "What? Really?" They nodded.

Itachi walked down the hallway, eating a dango. He paused at the small crowd gathering outside Deidara's room. "What's going on?" The Uchiha asked.

Kisame turned to his partner, "Hidan got Arashi pregnant!" Itachi choked on his dango, and Sasori opened his door, "Did I hear what I thought I heard?" The Akatsuki nodded.

"What should we do, hmm?" Deidara asked frantically. "Tell Leader!" Kawauso suggested. At this moment, Konan opened her door, "Alright you guys, keep it down."

They all stared at the woman, "Arashi's pregnant!" Konan stared at them wide-eyed. "WHAT? I didn't want her to go that far!"

"What do you mean?" Sasori questioned. "About three hours ago, I gave her some advice to help her with Hidan, but never mind that!" Konan banged on Pein's door.

"Uh, go away! I'm busy!" Pein called out. "PEIN!" Konan screeched. The pierced leader flung the door open, "WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT?"

"ARASHI'S PREGNANT!" The Akatsuki cried. Pein stared at them, "WHAT?" he roared.

-----

Pein paced the room. He had called the entire Akatsuki to his office to hold a meeting. Now each S-ranked criminal stood in his office. And each criminal stared at Arashi. And Arashi did not like the fact that criminals were staring at her. Kawauso's mouth hung open as he stared wide-eyed.

Her eye twitched. Pein sat down in his chair and faced his organization. "Okay everyone. I am here to talk to you about…" Leader took out a box and set it on the table, "Safe sex."

Arashi nearly screamed. SEX-ED. The leader of an organization intent on ruling the GOD DAMN WORLD is going to teach criminals about safe sex? Apparently he was. Pein held the box up and showed it to everyone, "Do you know what this is?"

Arashi mouth opened wide. Condoms. CONDOMS. OMG, CONDOMS?

"Condoms." Itachi had plainly answered the pierced man's question. Pein shot Arashi a glance and nodded, "Very good. Now then…" Pein reached under his desk…

And pulled out a banana. And then Arashi lost it. She grabbed the banana and smashed it under her foot, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, LEADER?" Arashi roared.

"OH NO. THE MOOD SWINGS HAVE ALREADY STARTED!" Kawauso screamed. Arashi turned on him, "Mood swings? Mood swings! What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's true. Mood swings do happen with pregnancy," Sasori pointed out. Arashi grabbed the puppet by the collar, "YOU THINK I'M PREGNANT?" She shook him.

The other Akatsuki nodded. "Yeah, Hidan knocked you up, we know." Kisame shot a glance at the masochist. He was mortified. Arashi sighed and rubbed her temples, "No, I'm not pregnant," she explained, "I made it up to get Hidan mad and… apparently it worked." She glanced at Kakuzu's bruises, "Very well in fact. I told Hidan that Kakuzu got me pregnant and-"

"KAKUZU GOT YOU PREGNANT?" The Akatsuki asked in unison. "NO DAMMIT!" Arashi yelled. She rubbed her temples, "I'm not pregnant, never will be." Kawauso chuckled, "Yeah. Like you could handle a kid anyway." Arashi glared at her partner and grabbed Hidan's arm, "I'm out of here."

She led her boyfriend- one of them- down the hall and into his room. She locked the door behind her and plopped on the bed, "'Kay. Now tell me what's wrong." Hidan growled, "What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG? I'll tell you what's f-cking wrong! You nearly gave me a f-cking heart attack! I thought that you were seriously f-cking pregnant! I thought that bastard Kakuzu knocked you up. What the hell, Arashi! Never f-cking do that again, bitch! Or I'll-"He stopped. Arashi had embraced him in a hug, and she was squeezing the air out of his lungs.

"Hidan! You're swearing again!" she cheered and nuzzled his chest. Hidan flushed slightly, "Uh…"

"I don't know. But when you woke up this morning, you were all…" Arashi sighed and hugged Hidan tighter, "Just don't ever do that again, asshole."

Hidan blinked, "Arashi… could you let me … breathe a little?" Arashi loosened her grip, "Sorry." She rested her head on his shoulder. Hidan ruffled Arashi's brown hair, "I didn't mean to scare the shit out of you and everything."

Arashi pressed her lips against his. Hidan's eyelids fluttered shut, and Arashi broke away with a smile, "Apology accepted."

-----

Arashi's brown eyes opened to the bright light filtering from her window. Sighing contently, Arashi sat up and got ready for the day. Kawauso wasn't in her room. Hmph. Like she cared.

Moments later, her hair was fixed and her teeth were brushed. Now she needed some breakfast. She walked out the door and nearly tripped over Kawauso. He looked up at her, "Mission."

Arashi groaned, "But we just got back!" Kawauso ignored her protests and led her down the hallway. He opened the door to Leader's office. Itachi, Kisame and… Zetsu were already there. Zetsu? Why Zetsu?

Pein yawned and took a swig of his coffee, "Good, good. You're all accounted for. Now Itachi, Kawauso and Kisame, you know your objectives. Head out." The trio nodded and made way for the door.

Wait. Then that meant that Arashi would… "Arashi, Zetsu. You two are going on a spy mission in the Land of blah blah blah blah blah blah." Arashi automatically began to tune out. She had been in Akatsuki long enough to know what no one listened to Leader.

Zetsu, huh. It will be like going on a mission with three people. Great, she was going to have to put up with Zetsu's multiple personalities. And watch him eat… She shivered. "Blah blah, important, blah blah, don't mess this up or I'll kill you. Blah blah. Are we clear?" Pein asked.

"Huh?"

"Oh yeah, sure."

"Whatever."

"Yep."

"Alright."

"CAN WE LEAVE NOW?"

Pein sighed, "Yes, yes. Leave as soon as possible." The Akatsuki members nodded and left the office. Zetsu immediately went to his room to pack. Arashi grumbled to herself. Another mission in one day.

After hurriedly packing in her room and telling Zetsu she would be outside soon, she rushed to Deidara's door.

"Come in, hmm," Deidara said after she knocked. Arashi entered the room, "Mission." Deidara was lying on his back on his bed. He stared at her sadly, "Already, hmm?" She nodded solemnly.

Deidara looked back at the ceiling. Arashi sat down next to him, "Artist's block?" The sculptor shut his eyes and nodded. The medical Akatsuki grinned and kissed him on the cheek, "Make me a sculpture when I get back." Deidara opened his eyes and grinned, "I'll try, hmm. See ya."

Hidan. He said he was better, right? Well he didn't exactly say those words but…

She stopped in front of the door. But before she could knock, she heard him;

"No, No, NO DAMMIT!" She froze, but knocked anyway, "H-Hidan?" Her voice shook. No answer. Arashi cautiously turned the doorknob. Hidan was seated on the bed, as if nothing had happened.

With out a word, she sat next to him, "You… Okay?" Hidan stared at her, "What? Something wrong?" Arashi sighed, "Well. I have to go on a mission now. Thought I'd say goodbye." She placed her palm on Hidan's forehead, "You're warm. Are you sick? I can stay, you know."

Hidan removed her palm, "No, Arashi, go do your mission or whatever." Arashi stared at him with worried brown eyes. She kissed his sweaty forehead and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Hidan stared after her and clutched his rosary, "Dammit."

-----

"All set?"

"Great, can we go now?"

Arashi sighed and followed after the schizophrenic. It was silent as they walked down the mountain path. She was grateful for this. Zetsu was one of the members that Arashi had marked down to avoid. For obvious reasons. He has a plant on his head, for starters. Wonder if it bloomed in the spring…

"… Where exactly are we going?" One side of Zetsu asked.

"The Land of Snow. Weren't you paying attention?"

"Pft. No. Why should I? Pein bores me."

THE LAND OF SNOW. IT'S FREAKING FREEZING THERE. OH GOD WHY!? And it's so far away! Maybe if she flew there… Arashi glanced at Zetsu, who was fighting with himself over whether boxers or briefs were better. Okay, drop that idea. Suck it up, Arashi. Make yourself some chakra blubber and start shoveling!

"BOXERS!"

"BRIEFS!"

Arashi sighed. This is gonna be a long mission.

-----

It was a few days after Arashi had left. The Akatsuki members were busy stuffing themselves with food. Konan watched the boys, besides Pein, shove food down their throats. Oh my god, what was wrong with these people. And then suddenly she realized something and counted the members.

Itachi and Kisame were gone. Deidara was … using his palm-mouths to lick Sasori's food. Sasori took a bite of his food. … Ew. Moving on. Tobi was desperately trying to eat, but his food kept on getting splattered all over his mask. He asked Pein for help. Pein got annoyed and left. Okay, get Pein more Advil. Kakuzu was, of course, complaining about the high cost of food.

"We ought to be eating beans!" he complained. Yeah, no. Okay so Kawauso was with Kisame and Itachi. Zetsu and Arashi were out… Wait. Hidan. Where was Hidan?

"Has anyone seen Hidan?" Konan asked.

The criminals stopped whatever sick thing they were doing and looked around. "He isn't here?" Deidara asked. "Huh…" And then the blonde was stuffing his face with food again.

Konan groaned, "Okay, I'll look for him." She removed herself from the table and walked down the hall. Wait a moment. Was Hidan at lunch? Or breakfast? Was he even seen yesterday?

The blue-haired woman approached Hidan's room and knocked. No answer. Wait, it's probably some Jashin holiday. Fasting or something. He was probably sacrificing in his room. And Konan didn't exactly want to see that.

Satisfied, she left the hallway and made her way to Pein's office. He was probably having an "episode" again.

Inside of his room, Hidan groaned. He lay on his back in a puddle of his own blood. The Jashinist struggled to stand up. Pain tore through his body. He fell the floor with a thud. Surprising. He was in pain, yet he wasn't enjoying it.

-----

Three days. Three days with a crossbreed between a plant and an Oreo. A schizophrenic Oreo. Day and night they fought. Day and night, Arashi tried to keep her sanity intact.

And it wasn't even getting cold.

Dare she ask him if they could pick up the pace? Remember, Arashi, he's a cannibal. Arashi shivered, "Uh… Zetsu?"

The plant-man turned around, "What?" Wow. He actually listened to her. "Uh… Are we anywhere near the Land of Snow?"

"… We're going to the Land of Snow? SHIT. We've been going the wrong way!"

"WHAT? Now we'll have to turn around. It's going to take forever!"

"Maybe if you told me I would have noticed!"

And then of course, they started fighting. Arashi's eye twitched. "Okay, that's it." She transformed into the phoenix and grabbed Zetsu in her talons, "We're flying."

She took off, despite both side's protests.

-----

It took a lot less time flying. Soon enough, the air began to cool. And then it began to snow. Finally, the phoenix landed in snow covered mountains. The castle where they were to spy on was only a few miles away.

Zetsu shivered, "Augh. I hate the cold." He pulled on an extra pair of clothes. Arashi was left in her weasel form, with only a scarf to keep her warm.

"The sooner we finish this, the sooner we get to go home," Zetsu pointed out. He began to walk towards the castle. Arashi sighed and followed him.

At least when she got home, things would be normal.