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Switched

Chapter 8

3 DAYS LATER

In a quiet corner of a busy cafe at the hotel, Kathryn studied a long menu and tried to find something to tempt her appetite. It had been days since she'd last enjoyed a decent meal and while her brain was calling for food, her stomach just wouldn't co-operate. But just like she'd done so many times on Voyager, she would force the food down for the sake of survival.

"Are you ready to order, ma'am?"

Kathryn looked up from the menu into the kind face of a young male waiter.

"Yes," she said, making a snap decision. "I'll have a cheese and tomato pasta bake."

"Anything to drink?"

"Just a glass of still mineral water."

The waiter then went on his way and Kathryn took a book from her bag and began to read it. If the service was anything like she'd experienced the other day, she'd be waiting at least forty minutes for her meal, even if it was replicated. But as all Voyager's crew members had now left the hotel, except for the Doctor and Chakotay, for the first time in seven years she didn't have to worry about the time. It was a good feeling, but at the same time she couldn't enjoy her well-earned liberty because of all the chaos in her mind. Nothing about the homecoming resembled the homecomings of her dreams and in many ways was more like a nightmare. Instead of celebrating for days with her joyous family, she was here alone avoiding them because of what she knew. And instead of a long yearned for romance with Chakotay, he was avoiding her. According to the Doctor he was leaving to visit his sister on Trebus in a few hours and she could only hope he would recover enough of his mind before going to say goodbye. Not that a goodbye would make his departure any easier to endure, but at least it would be an amicable parting. The thought of him going was just agony. Over the years she had not only come to rely on his presence but had come to need it. When she'd told him four years ago that she couldn't imagine a day without him, she'd meant every word.

"Great minds think alike."

Kathryn looked up at the sound of a dearly familiar voice and found Chakotay standing before her, a thick gold-covered book in his hand.

"Chakotay..." she said.

He gestured at the seat opposite hers. "May I?"

"Of course," she answered. "Please..."

Chakotay sat down and Kathryn closed her book, completely forgetting in her haste to slot in the bookmarking ribbon.

"I've been looking for you," Chakotay said. "But when I couldn't find you I decided to try again after lunch. I want to apologize for the way I behaved the other night. I know now you were only trying to help me. I'm sorry."

"There's no need to apologize," Kathryn replied. "Seven might have other words for it but you were under mind control. You weren't yourself."

"No I wasn't," he agreed. Pain then filled his eyes. "Why, Kathryn? Why am I always used and manipulated? Seska, Riley, Seven."

"Because that's their understanding of love," she answered kindly. "It isn't you. Seven really didn't think she was doing anything wrong."

"I loved her," he said sadly. "I really thought that I did. But now I don't. I've been so confused lately, so conflicted."

"Of course you have. Remember the effect Vorik's meld had on B'Elanna. Mental bonding is very powerful. It will take time to recover. But the important thing is that you will."

Chakotay nodded.

"And I'm sure going to Trebus will help." She wanted to say that she would miss him, that just the thought of him leaving was breaking her heart, but his emotions had been bruised enough.

"The Doctor's told you of my plans then."

"First thing this morning. One can always count on the Doctor to relay information." She then paused. "He says you're leaving today."

"Yes. This evening."

Kathryn lowered her eyes and gazed vacantly at her closed book. "When will you be back?"

"I don't know. It depends whether..." He took a deep breath. "Whether or not you come with me."

At this Kathryn's eyes met his again and she smiled. "Is that an invitation?"

"If you'd like it to be."

"I would."

A light filled Chakotay's dull eyes and he smiled in return. "Then looks like we're taking a trip."

"Trebus?" the Doctor cried when Kathryn told him the news later in her hotel room. "You're going to Trebus?"

"That's right," she said, putting a white top into a gold suitcase. "Something wrong with your hearing?"

"My hearing is perfectly fine. It's your mind I'm worried about. Now is no time for you to be going anywhere."

"And why not? I'm no longer Voyager's captain. I can go where I want."

"You know why. There's a matter that has to be addressed!"

"And I will address it, Doctor, when I'm ready. But right now I'm going with Chakotay to Trebus."

The Doctor edged closer. "You're running away," he argued. "You're running away from this the way you always run away from things that touch your heart! But you can't keep running forever. You've got to deal with it!"

Kathryn turned to him sharply. "I am dealing with it, Doctor! I'm dealing with it my way in my time! It's so easy for you to stand there in judgment but this is happening to me, not to you! I'm the one who has just found out that everything I thought I knew about myself is a lie. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine how it feels to be around the woman you've always believed to be your mother, knowing that she isn't, but she doesn't know it? Well I'll tell you how it feels, Doctor. It feels like I'm burning in hell."

"Which is all the more reason to tell her," the Doctor reasoned.

"I can't," she cried. "I just can't." Tears filled her eyes. "Because if I do then it's real and I don't want it to be real."

"But it is real, Captain," he said kindly. "And you have to face that."

"I know," she said, turning again to her suitcase, "and I will. But in my own time."

"Perhaps talking to a counselor would help. I can arrange for..."

"I said in my own time, Doctor," Kathryn interrupted. "And you promised me that time. "

"Yes, but that was weeks ago."

"And what are weeks when there's a whole life to re-evaluate? My life. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a trip to prepare for."

The Doctor wanted to keep pressing the matter, but it was clear that he was not going to get anywhere.

"Then I'll wish you a safe journey," he said.

When Kathryn made no reply, just carried on packing her suitcase, he left quietly.

END OF CHAPTER EIGHT