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Switched

Chapter 9

A WEEK LATER

Beneath a sky full of stars, Kathryn and Chakotay assembled a camping tent while chestnuts roasted on a fire.

"I have to admit," Kathryn said as she got herself tangled in the canvas, "I haven't put up a tent like this since my academy days."

"It's been a while for me too," Chakotay confessed. "But I think we're almost done."

"I just hope it stays up. I'd hate to wake up tomorrow to find it gone and a great big bear looking down at me."

"I can assure you that won't happen," Chakotay smiled. "There aren't any bears here."

Kathryn laughed softly and wandered over to the fire.

"These chestnuts smell delicious. I'm so glad we replicated them."

"Maybe we should warm the wine too. Nothing like warm wine and roasted chestnuts to keep the night chill away."

"Good idea. I'll pour the wine into a pan and put it to hang over the fire."

As she set about her task, Chakotay left the now completed tent and joined her by the fire.

"The chestnuts look ready," he said. "I'll put them onto a plate to cool. I learnt that lesson the hard way courtesy of a burnt tongue."

"Me too," Kathryn smiled. "My father would always warn me about letting things cool but I was always..." she tensed as she remembered that her father was not really her father. Being here, so far away from Earth and her family, it was so easy to forget the terrible nightmare that was haunting her. "...too impetuous," she finished.

"I can imagine," Chakotay teased. "So was I." He carefully put the chestnuts one by one onto a plate. "But look at us now, models of caution. Your father would be proud."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and she made no reply. She just gazed vacantly at the warming wine.

Chakotay put the last of the chestnuts onto the plate and then uncovered a bowl of salad he'd prepared earlier. "I packed some bread rolls too," he said. "Your favorite. They're in the basket behind you."

He looked up at Kathryn as he spoke and saw her tears.

"Kathryn," he said in concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said, wiping away her tears. "It's just the smoke. I...I'm ok."

"You're clearly not ok," he said, closing the gap between them. "Tell me what's wrong. I know I haven't been myself lately, but I'm completely recovered now. If something's troubling you I want you to confide in me."

The wine began to bubble and Kathryn pulled the pan from the fire.

"I don't want to think about it," she said. "If I do I...I just can't think about it." Trembling, she poured the warm wine into two heat-resistant glasses. "And I don't want to spoil everything. Let's just enjoy ourselves."

"I want you to tell me," Chakotay insisted. "Please, Kathryn."

For a long moment Kathryn made no reply, just finished pouring the wine into the glasses, then she put down the pan and fidgeted with her fingers instead.

"My parents are not my parents," she said quietly.

"How do you mean?" Chakotay asked kindly.

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "There was a mix-up...when I was born. The Doctor he...he found this out a few weeks ago. Based on my DNA there's no way I'm...." A lump filled her throat and she could hardly speak "a Janeway."

Chakotay was silent as he tried to absorb this, then he put his hand on her shoulder. "Perhaps the Doctor's mistaken."

Kathryn shook her head. "He sent a sample of my DNA home. My parents are...not mine."

Her lip quivered and her small body shook as she desperately tried to hold back the tears.

"Let it out," Chakotay whispered.

Kathryn still struggled to keep it in, but when she felt Chakotay's strong hand caress her back, the last of her defenses broke and before she knew it she was weeping in his arms.

A long time she wept, crying away weeks of agony, and all the while Chakotay held her. Then her tears began to ebb and at last she was still. Chakotay continued to hold her and Kathryn made no attempt to move. It was so warm and comforting in his arms.

"I wish I'd known about this," Chakotay said. "You shouldn't have had to face this alone."

"I haven't," she answered. "Faced it. I couldn't. I've just buried it in the back of my mind and tried to get on with things. I could because we lost contact with the Federation. You don't know how glad I was that we did."

"My memories of the past few weeks on Voyager are hazy," he said, "but I remember that you tried to tell me something. Was this it?"

She nodded. "But I'm glad that I didn't. You were going through enough."

"But I should have been there for you. I'm sorry."

"No. You've nothing to be sorry for. You've always been there for me, Chakotay. You're here for me now." Her voice fell to a whisper. "I don't ever want you not to be here."

At this tears welled in Chakotay's eyes.

"I love you, Chakotay. I want you to know it. I've always loved you."

"Oh Kathryn," he whispered. "I love you too. Gods I love you."

They wept a little together and held each other tighter.

"And I promise you I'll always be here," Chakotay went on. "As long as I live."

Kathryn drew slightly away from him and looked into his soulful eyes. "Ditto."

Tenderly, Chakotay put his hand to her cheek. "We'll deal with this...your parentage...together."

Kathryn averted her eyes and fidgeted with her fingers. "I'm so afraid," she said.

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Of what?"

"Of what I'll learn. Of who I am."

"Kathryn Janeway," he answered. "No matter who your biological parents are, you'll always be Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn looked up at him. "But I'm not. I'm the daughter of...I don't know, some Marette and someone Brenton. The real Kathryn Janeway is out there somewhere living the life that should have been mine. I'm living the wrong life."

"No you're not. You're living the life you were meant to live. You were meant to be Kathryn Janeway. You were meant to join Starfleet and become a captain. You were meant to destroy the array and save the Ocampa. And you were meant to get Voyager home. No one could have done it but you, Kathryn, and I thank the gods for you every day."

"But will my mother?" she asked. "When she finds out I'm not really her daughter, how can she be glad for my life? Because of me she's never known her real child."

"Your mother loves you. Nothing will change that. And her daughter, where ever she is, no doubt feels the same about the woman who raised her. Love hasn't been lost. It's just been exchanged."

"But what if she's had a terrible life? What if her parents...my parents...were abusive or neglectful?"

"Such speculation does no good," Chakotay reasoned. "Unless you find out that is the case, there's no point assuming that it is. But I think what is important is that you find out, and as soon as possible. The longer you put it off, the more the doubts and fears will grow until they suffocate you."

"You're right," Kathryn replied. "I know you're right. I know the Doctor's right. I have to face this, I have to deal with it. I just...I couldn't find the courage. I'd rather face the Borg. But with you here, well, it helps...so much. With you by my side I've always felt like I could face anything."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "And you will. Whatever you learn, what ever happens, we'll face it together."

Kathryn nodded and squeezed his hand in return.

"And I think we should leave tomorrow," he continued. "The sooner this is dealt with, the better."

"But we've only been here a few days," Kathryn replied. "You and your sister have so much catching up to do and there's still so many places you haven't shown me."

"We can return. This needs to be dealt with. Only then will you find peace."

Kathryn knew he was right. She had to stop running away. She had to face her fear. "Tomorrow it is then," she conceded. But tomorrow was still a few hours away and the night was still young. "But, in the meantime," she said, breaking away from him, "let's make the most of tonight."

"Agreed," Chakotay smiled. He picked up his glass of wine and the plate of chestnuts. "Cold wine and chestnuts?"

Kathryn laughed, took up her own glass, and picked out a chestnut. "Cold wine and chestnuts."

"I've forgotten how cozy it is to sleep in a tent," Kathryn said, climbing into a soft inflated bed that was next to Chakotay's. "We're like two bugs in a rug."

Chakotay, who was already in bed, smiled. "Either very big bugs or a very small rug. I'm sorry. I thought the tent would be bigger."

"Oh this is luxury compared to the tents I slept in when younger," Kathryn replied, lying on her side so she could look at Chakotay, "believe me. I couldn't stretch my legs without hitting the canvas and almost took the tent up with me when I stood."

Chakotay laughed softly.

"I'm really enjoying myself," she continued. "Truly. I always hoped we could take a camping trip when we got home and this has lived up to my dreams in every way. Not only is this land delightfully beautiful, it's so very special because it's your homeland. I'm so grateful to be here, to share this wonderful place with you, to walk with you in your memories. Thank you for bringing me."

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes. "Thank you for coming."

Kathryn returned his gaze and for a long moment they lost themselves in each other. As they did, Kathryn felt her heart beat faster and she could hardly breathe.

"You know," she said at last. "This is the first time we've been alone, really truly alone, since New Earth. There's no one around us for miles. It's just you and me in this wilderness." She smiled. "And I like it."

Chakotay smiled also. "Me too."

Kathryn's eyes wandered to Chakotay's tattoo and before she knew it she was touching it. Then when thought engaged she pulled her fingers away.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I just...I've wanted to touch it for so long..." her eyes met his again. "Touch you."

Tears filled his eyes. "Please do," he whispered.

Gently, reverently, Kathryn traced the course of Chakotay's tattoo. Then she began to caress his forehead, his cheek, his chin and Chakotay closed his eyes at her long longed for touch. Tentatively, Kathryn's fingers moved to his bare chest and she caressed him there sensually. Chakotay murmured and a tear ran down his cheek. Kathryn's fingers then returned to his face and she stroked his chin before lowering her lips to his in a tender kiss. When she drew away, Chakotay's eyes looked into hers and they gazed at each other tearfully. Then their lips met again and they kissed deeply, kissed long.

"I love you," Chakotay said when they parted. "So much."

Kathryn smiled. "I love you too."

They kissed again and then Kathryn straddled him and lowered the straps on her nightdress. As the shimmering satin fell, Chakotay gazed in awe at her precious freckle dusted body.

"Make love with me," she whispered.

Chakotay looked up at her, searching her soul. "Are you sure?"

Kathryn nodded, no trace of doubt in her eyes. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

Gently, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek and then raised his lips to hers.

END OF CHAPTER NINE