God, I love these! I'm just sitting here, busting my own butt off laughing! Come on, people, I need more stories! But thanks again to FLAMETAL! Haha! Come on, people! I weild the powers of FMA-ization! Give me ideas! Please! I need more reasons to procrastinate and not do my homework! Hahaha:) Well, enjoy this latest installment of "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures!" Haha:)
I do not own FMA - but I did watch a really funny Youtube video today involving Hughes singing the "If you were gay" song!
Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Valentine's Day Party
It was St. Valentine's Day, and everyone at Eastern Command was very excited – St. Valentine's Day meant two things for all of the military men: Lots of hot women… and the annual Valentine's Day party, of course.
Everyone was decorating the hallways with red and white streamers and pink paper hearts – almost every one of them with "Call me!" written on it followed by someone's phone number. Riza Hawkeye walked down the hallways and sighed. "Men really are stupid," she said. She really had no idea…
Hawkeye stepped into the mess hall where the party was being set up.
"Oh, Lieutenant, there you are!" Roy Mustang called out to her from across the room.
"Did you need to see me, sir?" Hawkeye asked as she stood next to him, saluting.
"Well, I – I was, uh, that is – You see, I – " the Colonel stuttered lamely. How on earth could he tell her how he felt? That what he really wanted was for her to be his? He just couldn't do it – on the other hand, he was making an excellent fool out of himself.
"Sir?" Hawkeye asked apprehensively.
"Well, Lieutenant, I – I really want – for you to – be – be my…"
"Hey, Colonel!" Lieutenant Havoc shouted as he walked into the mess hall. "Look what we brought for the party!"
Havoc, with Breda and Fuery in tow, walked in carrying a well-sized box full of sub sandwiches. Breda and Fuery each carried several bags of chips and cookies. Roy gave an exasperated sigh as the three food-laden men walked between him and the lady Lieutenant to deposit the food on the table.
"You were saying something, sir?" Riza asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"Yeah, sir, you were saying something?" Havoc grinned wickedly. The Colonel had stolen more than his fair share of women from the chain-smoking Lieutenant – Havoc was finally getting his revenge.
"N-nothing – nothing," Roy muttered, waving it off. He sighed as he walked to the other end of the room (the empty end), giving only half a glance at all of the last-minute preparations for the party. More soldiers walked into the mess hall with food, excited that the party would soon be underway. Hawkeye only followed after the Colonel once several men had entered, waving around their "Call me" heart decorations to put up on the walls. A couple of them had eyed her – but since she didn't really feel like pumping anyone full of lead (it was Valentine's Day, after all), she decided to keep her distance.
She walked up to the Colonel. "So… Roy…" she whispered softly in his ear, "do you have a special Valentine?"
The Colonel looked at her fleetingly with a mixture of surprise and pure happiness, but soon collected himself. "Well," he said in a seductive tone, "as a matter of fact…"
"ALL RIGHT! Let's get this party started!" Ed Elric whooped as he strutted through the door. The Colonel groaned.
"Well," Hawkeye said somewhat apprehensively, "at least he's… sober."
"I know," the Colonel sighed as he began to walk back towards the center of the room, "but I'd feel a lot better if Alphonse were here to look after him…"
"Hey, there, Colonel! Al said he's sorry, but he can't make it!" Ed said cheerfully.
"WHAT?" Roy shouted, jaw dropping.
"Yeah – you see, he's visiting the animal shelter – they're doing a big fundraiser or something like that." Ed said with a cheesy grin, ignoring the Colonel's obvious pain.
"Oh, that's right," Riza said, thinking. "'Love a Kitty, Hug a Puppy,' I believe they're calling it…"
"Yup! Al's a big money-raiser for them – people are paying for chances to guess at how many cats he has stuffed in his armor!" Ed said perkily, as if this was a normal (not to mention humane), every-day form of charity.
"Well," Roy sighed, "at least while you're here we can keep an eye on you – hopefully we won't have recurrences of any… previous incidences…"
"Hee-hee…" Ed gave an evil smirk.
"Oh? What was that?" Roy asked sternly as he furrowed his eyebrows, bending down so he could see eye to eye with the teen-aged State Alchemist.
"Oh, nothing, nothing…" Ed said happily. "Oh, and I brought something for everyone to drink!" he said as he handed a 2-liter soda to his superior officer.
"Good thinking, Edward," Riza said, "it appears that you're the only one that thought of beverages – everyone else has brought food!"
"Yeah, or their phone number…" Roy muttered sarcatically. He could see a bunch of soldiers gawking at Riza's… er… features.
Riza glared at him. "Colonel! Honestly, sir, stop acting like such a child!" she fumed at him.
'Damn it, so much for 'Roy' – now I'm back to 'Colonel' again… I've really got to work on my jealousy issues…' Roy thought to himself as he unscrewed the cap on the soda.
"SSHHHFFFFTTT!"
"DAMN IT!" the Colonel yelled as the soda fizzed all over the front of his uniform – he had forgotten to let the bottle sit a few minutes before opening it.
"Here, Roy, let me help you," Riza said softly as she got some napkins to help Roy mop up the soda on his jacket.
"Hey, look! Soda!" one man shouted, yanking the bottle out of the Colonel's grasp as pandemonium broke loose in the mess hall. Soldiers grabbed at cups, desperate for something to wash down the sandwiches, chips, and cookies they had been pigging out on.
"Hey! No fair! Save some for us!" Roy said as he watched the men greedily fight over the soda.
"Sorry, Colonel!" Ed said playfully as he raised his glass in a mock toast.
All of the men downed their drinks as Roy and Riza looked on dejectedly – and somewhat thirstily. Each man was able to only have about a shot-glass' worth of soda, but it proved to be more than enough… far more than enough…
"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ed shouted, throwing his arms up in the air and running around in a circle.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" the soldiers shouted, promptly following Ed's example.
"What the HELL?" Roy shouted as men began – literally – bouncing off the walls.
"OOOOWWWWEEEEE-OOOOOWWWWEEEEE-OOOOOOO!"
"NYANNER-NYANNER-NYANNER-NYANNER-NYANNER!"
"GIANT PICKLES! GIANT PICKLES! GIANT PICKLES!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Roy shouted as various annoying sounds, animal noises, and words with questionable meaning were shouted out by the seemingly-crazed soldiers. "What in the world is wrong with them?" he said, beginning to panic.
Riza groaned. "I think Edward put crack in the soda…" she said despondently.
"NOOOOOOO!" Roy said, pulling his hair out as semi-clothed Falman stood on one of the tables, belting out "If you were gay…!"
"This way, Roy, hurry!" Riza shouted as she grabbed Mustang's hand and pulled him towards the exit.
They sprinted through the mess hall as if their lives depended on it, dodging flying sandwiches and cookies as if they were bombs.
Once safely in the hallway, a locked door separating them from the currently cracked-out army, they slumped against the wall, panting.
"Kind of… reminds you… of Ishbal… doesn't it?" Roy wheezed, trying to regain his compoure.
"Yeah… I suppose so…" Riza said softly, catching her breath. "So," she said, looking at Roy with sensual amber eyes, "now what?"
"Well," Roy said silkily, slowly leaning towards her, "we could always…"
"Meow!"
"Damn it, Alphonse!" Riza shouted, spinning around.
Roy looked on in shock – that outburst had been highly unexpected.
"Oh, sorry, Lieutenant! I just wanted to come by and see how the party was going!" Al said, taken aback.
"Very poorly, thanks to your brother," she said tersely. 'For the love of god,' she thought, 'what's it take to make out with a guy in peace?'
"My… brother?" Al asked, confused.
"Yes, your brother," Riza replied, growing more irritable by the minute. "He's in there right now having a crack party with the rest of Eastern Headquarters."
"But… my brother's supposed to be in rehab…" Al said seriously.
Roy and Riza looked at each other.
"I guess he managed to sneak out… I'm sorry, I'll go try and get him…" Al said as he clankingly made his way into the mess hall.
"Well, doesn't that just figure?" Roy sighed.
"Now!" Riza said, quickly getting back to their previous conversation. "Where were we?" she said as she crept up towards Roy.
"Ah! I remember!" Roy said with a devilish grin as he leaned in to kiss Riza.
"WAHAHAHAHAAA! ROY'S MAKING OUT WITH THE LIEUTENANT! NOT THAT IT MATTERS – 'CAUSE ROY'S GOT A BEAN IN HIS PANTS!" a certain blond, cracked-out alchemist shouted as he streaked past the couple and down the hallway.
"DAMN YOU FULLMETAL!" Mustang roared as he jumped up and began to chase after Edward.
"Brother! Brother! Wait!" Al ran up a few seconds later, clanking. "Oh, Lieutenant!" he stopped, looking down at Riza (who seemed to be frozen). "Are you ok?"
"Go AWAY, Alphonse!" Riza screamed, pulling out her gun and firing a shot in the air.
"Yes, Ma'am!" Alphonse squeaked quickly, bolting down the hallway after the two shouting Alchemists and out of the Lieutenant's range of fire.
"What does it take…?" she asked herself, sighing, as she stood up and began copying down phone numbers from the decorations on the wall. Fortunately for Roy's ambitions (and Riza's sanity) none these numbers would pan out for luckless Lieutenant, as all of the men who the phone numbers belonged to were still inside the mess hall, cracked-out and holding hands in a circle, singing "I feel pretty!" as a naked Breda conducted them.
Fin.
Haha! That was one of my more... explicit... stories, I think... Come, friends and FMA fans! Send me your stories! Hahaa! Well, hope you enjoyed it! Seriously, though, go onto and search for "if you were gay; fma"! It's great! The Gravitation one is better, though - especially if you like Gravitation! (Which I love!) Haha! Well, I'll update as soon as I get more stories to work off of! Toodles! Thanks for reading:)