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Switched

Chapter 11

With a cup of coffee in his hand, Chakotay walked across a creaking porch and approached Kathryn. She was sitting on worn steps, gazing vacantly at a night forest of Indiana trees.

"Here," he said, handing Kathryn the cup. "Black and hot, just as you like it."

Kathryn came out of her trance and took the cup with a quiet thank you.

"It's starting to freeze out here," he said. "Come inside."

"I don't belong in there," she answered. "I have no right."

Chakotay looked at her sadly and then sat beside her on the steps.

"This will always be your home, Kathryn. This is where you grew up, where you loved and were loved, where you made your first memories. Nothing can ever change that."

"Lacey Brenton can," she answered. "Lacey Brenton does." She paused. "You should have seen the look on my mother's face when I told her. It was...I never want to see that look again. It will haunt me forever." Tears filled her eyes. "The love that she had for me...the bond that we shared...it's gone. Extinguished like a candle in the wind."

"That's not true," Chakotay replied. "This news it...it was obviously a great shock to her. She's going to need time, like you did, to come to grips with it."

"Not even time can mend somethings," she said. "Time can't make me her daughter."

"Time already has," he argued. "Biology it can't...it can't replace a lifetime of love. And I know you know that."

"Maybe. But in my life I've thought I've known a lot of things. Time is truth, they say, and the truth is I'm not my mother's daughter. No matter how much I want to be, I'm not. And no matter how much I don't want it to change how she feels about me, it must. And I saw it in her eyes. I saw her love fade away."

"I don't believe that," Chakotay replied. "There's no way she could stop loving you."

"No? She could barely even look at me. All she wanted was get away from me."

"Not from you," Chakotay reasoned, "from what she was hearing."

"They say mothers have instincts," Kathryn went on. "Maybe that's why she's always loved Phoebe more than me. Maybe that's why I always gravitated towards Daddy. The Doctor says I have some distant Janeway blood in me. Blood is thicker than water."

"I can't imagine she loved Phoebe more for a moment. I come from a large family and I know my mother loved us all equally."

Kathryn put down her coffee and turned to him. "But Phoebe is like her. She looks like her, she sounds like her, and they've always liked all the same things. I'm not like her... in any way. Not one. I never was. But even though we were so different, even though we couldn't always understand each other, she was always my mother and I loved her." A tear ran down her cheek. "I still love her and I don't want another mother."

Gretchen Janeway, a small thin woman with short silver hair, had now come onto the porch and was standing behind them.

"I love you too," she said, voice broken.

Kathryn turned sharply to her and without a word got to her feet.

"And Chakotay's right. I could never stop. You're my little girl, my Katie." Tears flooded her eyes and she struggled to continue. "Never think I love Phoebe more. Never think I could."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes now and before she knew it they were holding each other.

"We'll get through this," Gretchen said. "And we'll be stronger."

"I'm so sorry," Kathryn whispered tearfully. "I'm so sorry I'm not your child."

"You are. You always will be. It isn't blood that makes a family, it's love. And I love you, my Katie. So very very much."

As they wept together, clung together, Chakotay picked up Kathryn's cup and quietly went inside.

"It hurt so much when the Doctor told me," Kathryn said as they drew apart. "It still does. Like hell. For so long I couldn't face it. I didn't want to face it. I don't want to be anyone but Kathryn Janeway."

"And you never will be," Gretchen said firmly. She then put her hand to Kathryn's cheek. "You were such a tiny baby. The tiniest I'd ever seen. We...your father and I...planned on calling our baby Alexandra, but when we saw how small you were, we thought it was too big a name for so small a person, so we called you Kathryn instead. We gave that name to you, my darling, just to you."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "But you must be curious...about your real baby."

Gretchen tensed at this and turned towards the trees. "Right now I can't think about her. Does that make me cold? As far as I'm concerned, you're my daughter."

"No," Kathryn answered, "it doesn't make you cold. I've felt the same. The Brentons mean nothing to me. I was even actually glad when the Doctor said Marette and Draye are dead because then I wouldn't have to face them. But at the same time I felt sad too. Like I've lost something I didn't know was missing. And now...now I want to know. I want to know about the woman whose life I should have lead. And I want to know about my twin." She gave a wan smile. "Imagine. There might be two of me."

Gretchen made no reply, just looked out at the darkness.

"You will want to know too."

"What I want," Gretchen said quietly. "Is not to be afraid."

Kathryn closed the gap between them. "Of what?"

Gretchen turned to her. "Of losing you. I've only just had you back"

"Oh Mom," Kathryn said, drawing her close. "You'll never lose me, never."

They held each other again and Gretchen kissed Kathryn's hair. "I've missed you so much, Kathryn. I've wept for you so much. And yet I was so proud. I know it always seemed I got along better with Phoebe, but that's just because I could help her more. There wasn't much I could do to help you. I've never been any good at math or science and those were your life. But I loved you, every bit as much as Phoebe, and I was so proud of you...so proud of my clever little girl." A tear ran down her cheek. "Your father was proud too, so proud. And if he was here now he'd be the proudest man alive at what you've achieved." She paused painfully. "But while I'd give anything to have him here, I'm so glad he died not knowing this."

Suddenly, a door opened and Phoebe appeared. Her usually rosy face was pale and there were unshed tears in her eyes. Behind her, in the doorway, was Chakotay.

"Phoebe," Kathryn said.

"Chakotay's told me everything," Phoebe answered quietly. "Oh Kathryn..."

"I thought I should," Chakotay explained to Kathryn and her mother. "You've both been through enough."

"Thank you," Gretchen said.

Without a word, Phoebe crossed the porch and tearfully took Kathryn in her arms. "It makes no difference, Kath. You're still my sister. You always will be."

Kathryn held her in return. "And you'll always be mine, Phoebe. Always."

END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN