Hahaha! Ok, here we go! My newest "cracked-out" story! I'm still not quite sure what to make of this one... it's a lot longer than some of the others, I think, but it has its good qualities! Haha! Thanks so much to charmedxxone for telling me this story! I hope you enjoy reliving it - FMA-ified! Hahaha! I'm actually trying to convince one of my friends to make a shirt for me that says that - FMA-ization! Haha! Should be fun! Anyway, enjoy!
I do not own FMA - but I have decided to officially claim "FMA-ization" as my own! Mwahaha! Yeah...
Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Picnic
It was a beautiful April day; the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was pleasantly warm outside in the fresh, spring-filled air. Colonel Roy Mustang heaved a huge, overly-dramatic sigh. "Sigh…" he moaned loudly.
Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye didn't even bother to look up. "What is it now, Colonel?"
"It's so nice outside, Lieutenant. I don't want to be in here doing paperwork…"
"I already told you, sir, you can go outside when you're done signing those forms," Riza told him in a simple yet stern tone, much like one a mother uses on her child when he refuses to do homework… Actually, that's exactly what it was like, because that's exactly what it was – a (very large) child refusing to do his (very important but very boring) work.
"But Lieutenant, I want to go outside now…" Roy whined, spinning back and forth in his chair, never taking his dark eyes off of her.
"Roy, stop that immediately," Riza said sternly, eyes burning holes into her paperwork. Mustang was about to cross the line…
"But Lieutenant…" Yup. He had crossed it.
"CLACK!"
"Colonel, do you want lead in your ass?" Riza asked, staring at Roy fiercely while pointing a loaded pistol at his… erm… lower waist.
Roy shook his head quickly, ram-rod straight in his chair. "N-no, ma'am!" he stuttered, panic-stricken.
"I thought not," she said coolly, gun still steady. "Now, finish your paperwork like a good Colonel and then you can go outside and play."
"Y-yes, ma'am!" Roy shouted, turning to his desk with all of the speed in the world.
Riza gave an evil chuckle as she continued reading over reports, pleased to see papers flying in all directions off of the desk of the frantic Colonel Mustang.
…
"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Riza asked as she set up the picnic blanket underneath a large, shady tree. Roy just mumbled. After completing all of his paper-work, the Colonel was now finally allowed to go outside. 'There must be a law somewhere about soldiers not being allowed to threaten their superiors,' he thought darkly.
Riza now lay out their picnic lunch – she had gone to the mess hall and asked for some food to go. Riza sat down and pulled out a sandwich. She patted the blanket next to her. "Come sit, Roy," she called out softly, body much more relaxed. Roy gulped but dutifully obliged. She handed him a sandwich. "Go on," she said, "it's good!" Roy took a bite. Not bad… Soon the barriers, or the fear, rather, melted away and the Colonel began chatting happily away with his Lieutenant. All of the other soldiers in the court-yard either rolled their eyes at the two or secretly plotted revenge against the Colonel for winning the heart of the fierce and gorgeous lady lieutenant. Yet their peaceful lunch was not to last.
…
Roy was tired of sitting on the ground. "I'm going to sit on the lower branches of this tree," he declared to the Lieutenant. "Would you like to join me?" he asked.
"No, thank you," Riza replied casually as she took a sip of her tea and read her book.
"Oh, come on, it'll be fun!" the Colonel wheedled.
"Really, Roy, I'd rather not…" she insisted.
"Fine, then! I'll just sit up here by myself, then!" he said as he climbed a few feet up the tree.
"You do that, then," Riza said under her breath, continuing to read. Roy sat happily up in the tree, about 5 feet off of the ground. 'Hmmm…' he thought to himself after a few minutes, 'this is starting to get boring… plus my butt is numb…' With that thought the Colonel started to jump out of the tree. But…
"CLAP!"
"ZZAP!"
"AAAAAGGGHHH!"
The Colonel was swinging unceremoniously upside down by the seat of his pants. He had been alchemized to the tree branch.
"Colonel!" Riza shouted, jumping up. "What happened?" she asked him, staring incredulously at the sight before her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Roy had become one with a tree. Well, more specifically his butt had.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" soldiers all over the court-yard began laughing hysterically at the Colonel's compromising situation.
Roy's face began to turn red with rage and embarrassment… not to mention the blood rushing to his head – he was hanging upside down by the seat of his pants, after all…
"WHO DID THIS?" he bellowed, still swinging.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! GIANT PICKLE!"
"Oh, lord, no…" the Colonel said, face becoming slightly pale despite gravity's effects on his blood stream.
"UBER-GOOBER-MONKEY-BEANS!" A cracked-out and out of rehab Edward Elric shouted as he ran around the tree.
"WHEEEEEEEE!"
"FULLMETAL! You did this, didn't you? Get me down! Get me down RIGHT NOW!" the Colonel shouted furiously.
"CRACK-A-LACKIN'!" Ed shouted, dodging bullets as the Lieutenant opened fire.
"Who the hell let him out?" she asked, still firing.
"I don't know, but GET ME DOWN!" Roy continued to shout.
"Brother! There you are!" Alphonse Elric shouted as he came running… er, clanking… into view.
"DUCKY-DUCKY-DUCKY-DUCKY!" Ed shouted, spinning and leaping around the court-yard as the other soldiers stared dumbstruck.
"Hey, there he is!" a bunch of men in white coats shouted as they came running towards the source of the commotion – the source being Ed, obviously…
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Ed laughed hysterically as his brother put him in a half-nelson while the men in white coats gave the pint-sized alchemist an injection. They soon were able to cart the cackling and sedated alchemist away for yet another visit to the rehabilitation clinic…
…
"That was… odd…" Riza said, doing a rare thing by being at a loss for words.
"Lieutenant?" a cold voice asked behind her.
"Yes?" she asked, turning slowly to face the upside-down man behind her.
"Get… me… DOWN!" Roy shouted.
…
"It's no use, sir! You're going to have to do it if you want to get down!" Riza said, wiping the sweat from her brow with her free hand. The other contained pruning shears.
"No! Lieutenant, please, no!" Roy pleaded with her.
"I'm sorry, sir, there's no other way," she told him, trying to sound sympathetic. She cracked a grin. The other soldiers in the courtyard began to laugh.
"No… please, no…" Roy whimpered, staring at his now chuckling first Lieutenant.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said, trying to fight back her grin and holding up the picnic blanket, "but you're going to have to take your pants off."
"Nooooooo!"
…
A few minutes later a rock-steady Riza Hawkeye escorted a furious Roy Mustang through the hallways of Eastern Headquarters; it didn't help matters that a large number of soldiers stood in the doorways, teasing the Colonel about his little "incident" with the tree. Riza looked down slightly, noticing the Colonel's bare legs as they peaked from beneath the picnic blanket as he walked.
"Colonel – you shave your legs?" Riza asked curiously, slightly amused at Roy's silky smooth legs. Everyone in the hallway snickered as they walked past.
"Yes, Lieutenant, why? Do you have some kind of problem with that?" Roy asked viciously, embarrassed out of his mind as more soldiers gathered in the halls, laughing at pointing fingers at "Smooth-legged Mustang, the Tree Alchemist."
"Oh, no, sir – I just find that very attractive in a man, that's all," the Lieutenant replied coolly as she left Roy standing in the hallway, blushing. Everyone else's jaws dropped.
That evening every man at Eastern Command went home and shaved his legs.
Haha! That was a good ending, don't you think? I think so... Anyway, please continue to send me stories! I know you want your own experiences FMA-ified! Haha! Please review! Hope you enjoyed! Send in those stories! (I can't help it, this is so much more fun than homework! Lol!) :) Thanks again!