Hey, everyone, what's up? It's "The New FMA" again, and I'm back with another (hopefully) hilariousadventure! Thanks ever so much to Yusuke343! This story is for you! Haha! Hope that you like it! To everyone, please read and review, and don't forget to do two – no, three – things: 1) Send me any stories (personal experiences you've had where it was as annoying as hell then but equally funny now) you have you'd like FMA-ified, 2) Enjoy this story! and, 3) Laugh your ass off! Haha! I know I am! Thanks :)
I do not own FMA – but I did buy an old Newtype magazine (in English) today that has an FMA article in it! I'm stoked! But I have to finish my homework first before I can read it… sigh…
Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Training Day
Roy Mustang sighed. It was a great, manly, deep sigh that came from the bottom of his great, manly, deep soul. Or at least that's what he had in mind for it to sound like.
"What's the matter now, Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye asked in response to the pathetic, wimpy, shallow sigh that her superior officer emitted.
"Lieutenant," Roy said, trying to sound philosophical and wise, "did you know that we have to go through training every year during peace-time?"
"Yes, sir, I did," Riza said absent-mindedly. She knew that all combat soldiers assigned desk-work during peace-time had to go through an annual, day-long training session, and she also knew that the Colonel hated it with a passion, and would complain to her about it, and expect some sympathy in return; but at this point in the day, she quite frankly didn't care.
Roy sighed. "I hate the annual training, Lieutenant…" he whined.
'I know you too well, Colonel,' Riza thought to herself as the Flame Alchemist began to tell her his woes. She sighed inwardly. 'This,' she thought as the Colonel droned on, 'will a long day…' If only she knew…
…
"Welcome, gentlemen, to today's training session!" Fuhrer King Bradley said to the amassed soldiers with a grin. Riza straightened to attention; Roy blanched. "We'll begin today with some basic parade drills, move on to some exercises in the weight room, and finish off with a survival hike! Dismissed!" Bradley said with a smile and a wave as the soldiers left for the parade grounds. 'Well,' he thought as he watched the soldiers leave, 'this will be an exciting day!' He had no idea…
…
Mustang was sore – very sore. His feet hurt, his arms hurt, his back hurt, and his face was sun-burnt from being out on the parade grounds for so long. He sat in the coolness of his office, sprawled out on the couch. All of his subordinates quietly ate their lunches, ignoring him – Hawkeye and Havoc in particular – they had to do the training session, too. He groaned. "Now there's that stupid hike," he sighed to no one in particular. 'This,' he thought, 'will not end well…' If only he knew…
…
Alphonse Elric waited patiently at the edge of the woods. His brother, along with the rest of Central Command, had gone for a hike in the woods – a very long, very gruesome hike in the woods. Edward had said that they would be gone for a few hours, but Al had tried to insist on going, too – someone had to look after Edward. Al had always been a little bit protective of his brother – after all, they were all each other had. But in the end, Al decided that he had no problem with staying behind: the Colonel and the others were there. 'Well,' he thought cheerily, 'it's not like he can get in to too much trouble!' He had no idea…
…
"Urr…" Mustang growled as he climbed up a rather steep hill, "Why the hell are we doing this, again?"
"To strengthen us, sir, and to prepare us in case of similar situations in a time of war," Lieutenant Hawkeye told him as she too climbed up the rather steep hill.
"I… don't… care…" Roy panted angrily, trying to keep up. "I… want… to… go… home…"
"Aw, c'mon, chief! It's fun!" Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc told his boss and friend. "Hey, I know! We'll make this a little more exciting!"
"Oh? And how do you plan on doing that? A race?" Hawkeye asked, now successfully at the top of the hill, watching the struggling men.
"Nope! I have a much better idea!" Havoc grinned, unlit cigarette sticking jauntily out of the corner of his mouth. "We'll play tag! Me and the Lieutenant against you, Colonel!"
"What?" Mustang looked up, shock and disbelief written plainly on his face.
"Hmm… Not a bad idea, Havoc," Riza said with a steely grin. "Ok, Colonel, you're it!" She ran off into the woods, Havoc right behind her.
"Hey! Get back here!" Roy shouted, pulling himself to the top of the hill, then running off in the direction of his two (now ex) subordinates. "Wait 'til I get my hands on you!" he shouted, charging through the woods and past perplexed-looking soldiers. 'The Colonel just keeps getting crazier and crazier,' they thought. If only they knew…
…
Roy was an idiot. A really big, handsome, flame-throwing idiot. He was playing tag. In the woods. With his much more coordinated subordinates. He really was an idiot. He was no match for them – while Riza and Jean dashed about through the trees, Roy just ran into them. When the two Lieutenants jumped over protruding tree roots, Roy tripped over them. He should have picked a different game – or just declined altogether. Better yet, he could've ignored his friends' suggestion altogether. But the Colonel was a proud man, and he hated being shown-up. So, he ran stumbling around in the woods instead. A half hour later he was still on their tails, sporting a bloody nose, black eye, several scratches, a mud-covered uniform, and leaves in his hair. He looked like a yeti. A yeti who had just had its ass kicked, that is.
"I'll… get you… yet!" Roy panted, slowing down. Riza and Havoc just laughed, but soon stopped. Roy gave a triumphant "Aha!" and continued after them with a new vigor. Riza and Havoc, meanwhile, stared at the rather large stream in front of them. The two sat down on some large rocks while they waited for the Colonel. Havoc mockingly took up a position of meditation, closing his eyes and crossing his legs, as the Colonel jogged into view.
"Hey, there you are, chief! Where have you been?" Havoc teased, opening an eye and looking at Roy.
"I… need… a… break…" Roy wheezed, slumping down on the ground and clutching at a stitch in his side.
After the Colonel's breathing steadied several minutes later, Hawkeye and Havoc stood back up and walked to the edge of the stream.
"What do you think?" Hawkeye asked, turning to the cigarette-smoking man next to her. "Can we make it?"
"Yeah," Havoc said as he jumped across to the other side, "I think we can." He grinned at the Lieutenant as she glared at him.
"Very funny, Havoc," she said, also leaping across.
"Now we just need to wait for our magnificent hero, the Flame Alchemist!" Havoc said, laughing as Roy painfully got back up.
"I can do this!" Mustang shouted across, standing at the edge of the stream. 'Well,' he thought, 'this will be a piece of cake!' He had no idea…
…
Mustang steadied himself, then slowly rocked back and forth, gaining momentum. He was about to jump when…
"CLAP!"
"ZZAP!"
"BOOM!"
"AAAAGH!" The ground broke from underneath the Colonel, who landed ass-first in the stream.
Riza and Jean just stared – then burst out laughing. Until, of course, a certain pint-sized and cracked-out alchemist began bouncing – literally – all over the forest.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ed screamed, climbing up trees and then jumping back down in mere seconds. He began to jump back and forth across the stream.
"MONKEYYYYYS!" he screeched, throwing his hands in the air and running in circles.
"FULLMETAL!" Roy shouted as he got out of the water, pants thoroughly soaked. "I'm going to fry you, you little shrimp!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY COULD FIT IN YOUR PANTS AND STIL BE BIGGER THAN YOUR – "
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! I'LL GET YOU, FULLMETAL!" Mustang shouted as he began chasing down the cracked-out alchemist. Riza and Havoc went back to staring.
"Jean," Riza asked casually after the two alchemists had successfully disappeared into the woods, "how do you think Ed managed to get high this time?"
"Well," Havoc said, still staring at where Ed had been, "we are in the middle of the woods… Lots of mushrooms in the woods… Lots of mushrooms…"
"Ah," Hawkeye said, understanding dawning on her. She too continued to stare. The two stood there for several minutes, neither of them speaking.
"So," Havoc said, breaking the silence, "want to go get a beer?"
"Yeah…" Riza said slowly, turning towards him. "I could probably go for something a bit stronger, though…"
"Me, too," Jean agreed as he and Riza turned to head back towards headquarters, each thinking about what on earth the Colonel could possibly be doing right now. They had no idea…
Haha! Wow, I am just… I don't know… running out of ideas? Hmm… that may be it… I need to come up with a better "short" response – I've used the "pants" one way too many times! Haha! So, how did I do? Am I ok or have I gone "beyond the pale?" Haha! Please review and let me know! Thanks to everyone for reading! Please continue to send me stories you would like to see FMA-ified! Don't worry, StarShipDelta, you're up next! Haha! Oh, and for the record, Yusuke343, when I said that Roy was an idiot I was not implying that you are too! I just realized that you might read that and take it the wrong way… But yeah, nothin' but love from me! Haha! Thanks again! Please review and send stories! Wahaha:)