Howdy, ladies and gents! Here's the next installment of the "Adventures" series, where you send in your experiences and I "FMA-ify" them! Wheee! Cracked-out Ed's galore! Haha! By the way, I finally figured out how to disable the "block anonymous reviews" thingy – I had no idea that it was even on… so if you've been trying to review but don't have an account and the site wouldn't let you review, I'm very sorry! You can now review! Whee! Enjoy! Don't forget to send me in your stories! But please be sure to read my author note at the bottom, too! And now, I present to you Roy-Fan-33's idea/story! Wheeeee!

I do not own FMA – but I'm going to prom! Yay! My dress is pretty… I got it for thirty dollars… or something like that… have I already mentioned this before? Sorry…

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Mission

"I have a top secret mission for you, Colonel, if you're ready," the Fuhrer, King Bradley, said as he paced his office.

"Yes, sir, I am," Colonel Roy Mustang responded, snapping to attention and saluting.

"Good," the Fuhrer said grimly as he stopped and faced Roy. "Here are your orders…"

…

"We have to what?" Riza Hawkeye asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

Roy sighed. "We have to… go and buy some milk…" he said half-heartedly.

Havoc stared at the Colonel. "And we're going with you because…?" Havoc had good reason to be a little upset about this arrangement – after all, it was Friday, and the entire headquarters staff had the whole weekend off…

"Because the Fuhrer ordered it!" Roy snapped, slamming his hands down on his desk. The whole idea of this "secret mission" was severely pissing him off. 'We're going to the store and buying milk for Mrs. Bradley? This is ridiculous!' Roy thought, his temper steadily rising. 'Here I am, a human weapon, going grocery shopping with two of the top soldiers in the entire army of Amestris!'

"Well," Riza said, having re-collected her cool, "let's get going, then."

"Yeah," Havoc sighed as he lazily made to go out the door.

Roy just grumbled. 'This,' he thought, 'is really pissing me off…'

Poor, poor Roy… how little he did know… the "pissing-off" had only just begun!

…

20 minutes later, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, and Jean Havoc, dressed in business suits so as to blend in with the civilians, walked into the Central City Stop-n'-Shop.

"Ok," Roy sighed heavily as they stood and faced the aisles upon aisles of products in the store. "Let's get this over with…"

"Yes, sir," Riza said under her breath. "Dairy products are down aisle 12."

With that the three "camouflaged" soldiers moved casually through the store, walking towards the refrigerated goods, and keeping an eye peeled and an ear open at all times.

'After all,' Riza thought, 'the Fuhrer wouldn't have ordered us here if there weren't going to be any dangers…'

'After all,' Roy thought, 'I have nothing better to do – I may as well look out for any "suspicious activities"…'

'After all,' Jean thought, 'lots of hot women go grocery shopping – I'm bound to find a girlfriend here…'

…

After several minutes of "undercover work," the three soldiers had almost completed their mission – gallon of milk in hand, Roy made his way to the cash register, Riza and Havoc close behind.

"That'll be 2 sens, please," the young woman at the cash register said. Havoc immediately began flirting with her. She blushed – although one could argue it was because of the Colonel's handsome face rather than Jean's smooth talking. Hawkeye scowled at Roy and Havoc in turn.

Roy just rolled his eyes, ignoring the two Lieutenants as he reached into his pocket… and pulled out only change. He sighed.

"Lieuten- er, Riza?" Do you have any money on you? I seem to have left my wallet back at… 'work'…"

Riza gave him a look – the kind normally reserved for soldiers who asked her out… it was a mix between "you're kidding me, right?" and "you're an idiot… seriously…" Nevertheless, Riza opened her suit jacket just wide enough to reach into vest pocket for her billfold, being careful not to reveal the gun that was resting in a pocket in the jacket's lining. Yet a flash of gleaming metal was all that it took to set the young woman at the register off like a canary doused with water – and then set loose in a cat store…

"Is that a gun?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Riza froze. Roy froze. Havoc froze, confused as to why his romantic ventures were no longer being acknowledged… if indeed they ever were to begin with… needless to say he hadn't been paying much attention…

"Oh my god, police! Police!" the girl started screaming. People nearby began panicking, also shouting, "Police! Police! Help, police!"

"No, no, no! It's ok, it's ok!" Roy said hurriedly, trying to calm the cashier down. He looked out of the corner of his eye at the manager… who appeared to be making a phone call… to the police. 'Shit,' Roy thought, 'we can't afford to have this situation get out of hand! I have to do something! Now!' He tried again to calm the girl down, now having to shout to be heard. "Really, it's ok! We're with the military! I'm even an alchemist! Look!" Roy reached his hand back into his pocket to retrieve his silver pocket-watch – his military identification. Yet this was the wrong move to make…

"Oh my god! He has a gun, too! Help, help, they're trying to shoot me! Help! Police!" the girl wailed, crying hysterically.

'She actually thinks that I have a concealed weapon!' Roy thought. '… Damn!'

Havoc looked around at all of the store patrons who, in a show of courage, had decided to try and block the exits until the police could arrive. "Shit, Roy!" he cursed, "What are we going to do now?"

Roy looked around helplessly, his hand still in his pocket, clutched tightly around his silver pocket-watch. He knew fully well that there was no way he could get these people to listen… they were all too scared and full of too much adrenaline to hear anything he might say…

"Nothing," Riza answered bluntly, she alone remaining calm, "We're just going to have to wait for the police to get here… then we can explain everything…"

"Damn Fuhrer and his 'secret missions,'" Havoc muttered under his breath.

"Could this possibly get any worse?" Roy sighed.

Poor, poor Roy… he had no idea… just how much worse it would get from here!

…

The police arrived shortly, rifles drawn and aimed at the three people standing around a cash register – their hands, empty, were raised just above their heads, showing their will to surrender (and their lack of weapons).

"Coming through, coming through, out of the way!" the police chief ordered as he made his way towards the suspects at hand. "We have you surrounded," he said, "now tell me just what it is that you think you're doing."

"Sir, please let me explain – my name is Roy Mustang, I'm a colonel in the illustrious Fuhrer's army," Roy explained quickly, knowing that if he wasted his time or his words he would be in even hotter water with the higher-ups for getting himself accidentally arrested.

"Oh, is that so?" the chief asked, stroking his chin. "Let me see some identification, then."

Roy was shocked. He couldn't believe that this man didn't even recognize him, much less his name… 'Well,' he thought, 'the military police never have been too bright…'

"Yes, sir, I just have to reach into my pocket to get it," Roy cautioned, not wanting the man to think he was going to try and pull out a gun – why the police chief hadn't had the three captives searched for weapons already was a complete mystery… well, the military police never had been too bright…

"Johnson!" The chief called out as he nodded to a man behind him. The policeman named Johnson stepped up, pointing his rifle straight at Roy's chest. The chief turned back to Roy. "Make any funny moves and you get it," he said sternly.

"Of course," Roy said. He slowly reached down and began to remove his silver watch from his pocket when…

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

"Edward?" Riza asked, surprised and slightly confused.

Roy looked up. He noticed Ed's pupils were dilated. 'Oh, hell…' he thought. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, hero of the people, was cracked-out of his mind…

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Ed shouted again.

"What's the matter, sir?" the chief asked, turning around.

"THAT MAN! ARREST HIM!"

"What? Why?" Roy, Riza, Havoc, and the police chief all asked at the same time.

"BECAUASE, THAT MAN TRIED TO SPILL MY GUTS EARLIER WHEN I WOULDN'T GIVE HIM MY WALLET! HIM – AND HIS LITTLE DOG, TOO!"

Johnson looked back at Edward, confused. "What dog?" he asked. He genuinely had no idea…

"What the hell are you talking about, Fullmetal?" Roy asked, pissed-off all over again.

"YOU HEARD ME, 'FLAMING ALCHEMIST!'" Ed shouted as he began to run around the cash registers, screaming at the top of his lungs, "WHEEEEEEEEEEE! SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR! POTPOTPOTPOTPOT! WHEEEEEEE!"

The military police just stared. Roy fumed. Havoc had little idea what was going on… he hadn't been paying much attention… again…

Riza closed her eyes, gritted her teeth, and counted to three… then opened fire on the pint-sized alchemist.

"WHEEEEEEEE! BANG-BANG GOES THE BOOM-BOOM! WHEEEEEE!"

"Shit! She's firing! Get them! Arrest them! NOW!" the police chief ordered as his men uncertainly made their way towards the mad gunner. Many had seen this woman before at the shooting range… they knew she was deadly… not to mention that she was a part of the military, but orders were orders, and they weren't about to argue…

…

Approximately one hour later Roy, Riza, and Havoc found themselves in a jail cell at Central City Police Headquarters. It had taken a while to apprehend the three, what with all of the confusion Edward had caused, and not to mention Riza's shooting… many of the policemen had run away crying, shouting something about "that devil sniper, Hawkeye"…

Roy pleaded to the police chief through the cell bars. "Just let me call the Fuhrer, please! We can have this whole thing cleared up! Just let me make that call!"

The chief looked the disgruntled, black-haired man up and down. "… Fine," he said, "but just one phone call… I hope for your sake that you don't mess it up…"

Riza and Havoc just stared as Roy picked up the receiver that the chief had handed him. Roy dialed the number – he knew it by heart. He gave the passwords – he had spent hours memorizing them. The chief either didn't notice or didn't care that only military personnel knew these things… he really wasn't too bright…

Riza and Havoc could hear the phone ringing. Then, a click…

"Sir! Sir, it's me, Colonel Roy Mustang!" Roy said into the phone, trying to hide his nervousness.

"Ah, Roy Mustang! How are you, Colonel?" the Fuhrer asked; he had such a booming voice, Riza and Havoc had no problem hearing him through the receiver.

"Not too well, sir, you see, there was a mix-up, and – "

"Oh, you must mean about your mission!"

"Yes, sir, that's exactly what I was calling to talk to you about!" Roy said, sighing with relief.

"Well, don't worry about it…"

"Thank you, sir! I – "

"It turns out that the missus had some milk left in the refrigerator, after all!" the Fuhrer chuckled warmly.

"Wha – ?" Roy said, dumbfounded. Riza and Havoc stared, equally dumbfounded.

"Sorry about that! You having to go through all that trouble, and what-not! Keep the milk! I'll reimburse you later!" The Fuhrer was obviously amused – laughter could be heard through the receiver.

"Wait, sir! No! You don't understand, we – !"

"Click." The Fuhrer had hung up.

"…" Riza and Havoc stared at the phone, mouths gaping… the Fuhrer, their one and only hope in a sea of complete idiots, had hung up the phone…

"… shit…" Roy cursed as he sat down heavily on the bench next to his subordinates. He put his head in his hands.

"You know," the chief told them as he put the phone back on his desk, "I might've believed your story if that state alchemist hadn't of testified against you like he did back there. I mean, after all, he is a state alchemist – he has more authority than even me!"

"AAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" Roy screamed as he began to tear his hair out. Havoc began to beat his head against the stone walls of the cell. Riza just sighed. 'Here I am,' she thought, 'stuck here… a woman alone in a jail cell with two other men… and it will be at least two days before anyone notices we're missing… stupid work holiday… stupid Ed… damn him! Oh, well… I am here with two other men… very hot men… heh-heh-heh… at least I won't be too bored…' she grinned devilishly at Roy and Havoc.

That smile… they could feel it… Roy and Havoc both looked up suddenly.

'Oh, god…!' they thought as they shuffled back against the wall, huddling together and holding onto one another for dear life as Hawkeye advanced slowly towards them with that smile of hers… that smile always did scare the shit out of them…

Hahahahaaa! Well, that was a little… yeah… I don't know… What do you guys think? Maybe I've become so jaded to my own humor that I can't tell what's "really funny" and what's "kind of funny" anymore… sigh… Please review! Oh, and to Norn Meow, your story is coming up next! I'm really sorry! I missed it on my list! Aaaagh! I feel bad now! I had already had this one half-way done when I got your message, so I decided to finish it! I'll get to yours soon, I promise! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! Aaaagh! Please continue to send in your stories! Be warned, though – after this next one the time between stories may fluxuate for any of the following three reasons: 1) my prom is this Saturday and I'm helping set up a bunch of stuff, 2) I have this huge-ass English project due that I really should be working on right now instead of doing these stories (but that's ok!... kind of…), and 3) I really want to update my longer story, "The New Fullmetal Alchemist" – it's been slightly neglected, lately. But please don't stop reading these stories or sending in your own! It's not like I'm going to totally ignore these stories, I'm just going to put them on the back-burner for a few days or half a week or so, that's all! Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy! Ciao:)