Hello, all you space-cadets! Haha! Just kidding! So, how's everyone? You all enjoy the last chapter? This one has Riza a bit less… "wild"… yeah… I almost kind of like her better the other way, though – really calm exterior, but then you get these little shots of "Amazon woman" all of a sudden. What do you guys think? Here's the story on this one: it's not actually a real story! Rather, it's for a friend of mine, Hannah, who I hardly ever get to see anymore, and the last time I did, well, to make a long story really, really short, she said "Pine Board!" along with a really funny pose, and now it's our own little "inside joke"… so, I was bored today during math, and not having my notes with me that have all of your guys' stories on it, I totally b.s.-ed an entire FMA "Adventures" story off of two words: Pine Board. Enjoy the insanity:)

I do not own FMA – but I'm sure I have some pine board somewhere…

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Pile of Wood

"… Lieutenant, what the hell is this?"

"Pine board, sir."

"… pine board…"

"Yes, sir."

"…"

Colonel Roy Mustang stared at the pile of wood stacked in his office. It was exactly what his first Lieutenant had said it was. Pine Board. A rather large, rather woody, pile of pine board.

"What exactly is this… pine board… doing in my office?" Roy asked, still not quite believing what he was hearing.

"I don't know, sir," Riza Hawkeye answered coolly. "It was delivered here just a little over an hour ago."

"Delivered?" Roy looked up suddenly, "Then, that means – !"

"Yes, sir – we have been the victims of a telemarketer call."

"Nooooooooooo!" Roy screamed, clutching at his head and doubling over.

Riza moved towards him, hand outstretched, when…

"SLAM!" the door burst open. Riza quickly pulled her gun out, aiming it at… Havoc?

He stood in the doorway, panting, not noticing the gun aimed at his head. His eyes scanned the room, gazing at the convulsing Roy on the ground, and then focusing on the rather large, rather woody pile of pine board in the middle of the room.

"Damn it!" Havoc cursed. "They already brought it here!" he continued to swear like a sailor, or, in this case, a soldier, until a gun shot interrupted him. He slowly turned and looked at Riza.

"Second Lieutenant," Riza asked coldly as she re-loaded her pistol, "what the hell is going on here?"

Havoc looked from the gleaming, deadly metal in Hawkeye's hand to Hawkeye's gleaming, deadly gaze and back again. Silence filled the room, save for small and pathetic moans emitting from the Colonel, who was now in a fetal position next to his desk. Havoc gulped.

"W-well," he stuttered, staring at his boots, "there was this call yesterday, see, and I, well, I…"

"Click."

Havoc's eyes widened at the sound of the safety on Riza's gun being removed. He began sweating profusely.

"W-well, y-you see, th-there was this – this g-girl, and I, well, uh, that is, she, um…"

Riza began slowly squeezing the trigger, eyes narrowed and focusing on the middle of Havoc's forehead.

Havoc panicked, telling the sniper everything in a single breath. "This-really-hot-telemarketer-called-and-said-that-if-I-bought-all-this-pine-board-from-her-she'd-go-out-with-me!" he held up his arms in surrender and cringed, waiting for the bullet to rip through him and his life to finally be over. It had been a good run, after all…

Riza stared at him. "So what's it all doing here?" she finally asked after a minute.

Havoc blinked. She wasn't going to kill him? Well, in that case… "I told her I was a high-ranking military officer, and so I was able to get it delivered for free to headquarters! I told them Mustang was my subordinate, and so they decided to bring it here! I was going to catch them as soon as they came so I could get rid of it before the Colonel could find out!" he said quickly. "Or you…" he added, still keeping his hands in the air – just in case.

Riza had by this point slowly lowered his gun, but still stared blankly at Havoc, as if in shock. "So what are you going to do with it now?" she asked after a minute of stunned silence.

"Build a birdhouse?" he suggested hopefully, shrugging.

Riza blinked.

"HAHAHAHAAAA! THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! HAHAHAAA!" the lieutenant laughed as she rolled on the ground, clutching at her stomach.

"Uh, Lieutenant…?" Havoc asked in a small voice, slightly hurt and more than a little bewildered by Hawkeye's excessive laughter.

Roy had more or less recovered by this point, and he slowly got up and faced Havoc. "Get… that… damned… wood… out… of… here… NOW!" Roy bellowed, shaking with rage.

"Y-yes, sir!" Havoc shouted, quickly bundling the wood in his arms and clumsily making his way out of the room with it. The sounds of wood hitting tiled floors echoed throughout the hallway, as well as more than one cry of pain from Havoc due to boards hitting his toes or from getting splinters.

Roy slammed the door and returned to his desk. He slumped in the chair, covering his eyes with his hands. "Lieutenant?" he mumbled.

"Hahaha… Yes, sir? … snicker!" Riza chuckled as she got up from the floor and brushed herself off.

"Who the hell sells PINE BOARD over a TELEPHONE?" Roy shouted.

Riza stopped laughing, a serious look coming over her face. She stopped and thought a minute. "I don't know, sir…" she said. She stared vacantly into space. She was going to be thinking about that one all day long…

…

"WHEEEEEEEEEE! ELECTRIC TOADS! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" a very short, very cracked-out blonde alchemist shouted as he ran into Central Military Headquarters. He skidded through the tiled halls, as he was wearing only socks, shorts, and a tee-shirt. He giddily ran up the stairs and down the hall towards the office of non other than Colonel Roy Mustang…

…

"Did you hear that?" Roy asked in a hushed voice, brow furrowed as concentrated on what the noise was and where it was coming from. Riza stopped thinking about telemarketers who sell pine board and listened.

"Is that a… siren?" she asked uncertainly.

"No… it sounds like a…" Roy and Riza's eyes slowly grew wide in realization of what was coming; it was bearing on them like an eighteen-wheeler truck, or, rather, a sixteen-year-old alchemist on crack, they're really both the same thing… Yet neither of them had time to contemplate whether there was a difference or not, because suddenly…

"BAM!" the door was slammed open, a blur of blonde streaking into the office.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! ALEEOOOP!" Ed shouted as he jumped over the desk and into Roy's lap.

"What the hell?" Roy shouted, trying to push the cracked-out Ed off of him.

"WHEEEEE! NOT UNTIL YOU KISS ME LIKE YOU DO TO RIZA!" he screamed.

Riza froze, gun half-way out of its holster.

"WHAT?" Roy shouted. "I don't kiss the Lieutenant!"

"WHEEEEE! I KNOW!" Ed shouted happily, "BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID SHE'LL FIND OUT ABOUT THE SHRIMP IN YOUR PANTS! WHEEEEEEEE!" he screamed as he jumped out of Roy's lap and dashed out into the hallway.

"AAAAAAAGH! FULLMETAL! GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE SO I CAN FRY YOU!" Roy shouted as he ran out of the office, pulling his glove onto his hand and proceeding to set everything in the hallway on fire in an attempt to burn Edward.

"What the hell… just happened?" Riza mumbled, shocked, as she slowly made her way out of the burning office, down the flaming hallway, and out of the blazing Central City Military Headquarters, from inside of which the screams of a pint-sized alchemist on drugs and an enraged colonel could be heard.

Riza watched calmly as Ed ran past her, Roy in hot pursuit. She then watched without feeling as the headquarters burned to the ground. Her thoughts had gotten quite lost and confused at some point during this whole ordeal, and she rathered that they stay that way…

…

A while later, Riza stood in the smoldering ruins of what was once the Colonel's office in what was once Central Military Headquarters. She picked up the smoking phone off of the charred and smoldering desk. She dialed a number.

"Havoc?" Riza asked slowly, her voice filled with a forced calm.

"… Yes?" his staticy, apprehensive voice asked on the other end.
"Bring your pine board over here, would you? We're going to need it…"

"Why? Are you building bird houses?" the bewildered yet hopeful sound crackled through the half-melted receiver.

"… something like that…" Riza replied. She hung up the phone and placed it back on the desk, which quickly collapsed into a pile of ash at the Lieutenant's feet.

"Pine board telemarketers…" Riza grunted, still dazed. "Who'dve thunk it?" Although, she did have to admit they had come quite in handy – without them, Central Military Headquarters would not have been rebuilt – or smelt so pine-tree fresh!

Wahahaa! Ok, kids, that's it for today! Hope you liked it! Thanks to all those who've been reviewing! Please continue to send me stories! I have a couple in the works right now, but it's all still in the brainstorming phases… Don't forget to review! Oh, and no flames, please, unless they're from Roy! Roy… (drools…) Have fun reading! Tell your friends! Haha:) Oh, yeah! Does anyone know how to get a question mark followed by an exclamation mark or vice-versa to show up on this site? It always eats mine when I upload for some reason... Thanks! Let me know!