Hey, guys! In honor of my ground-breaking tenth (yes, TEN, count 'em, TEN) installment of "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures," I'd like to dedicate this one to all of my awesome readers and even awesomer reviewers! My powers of FMA-ization are nothing compared to what you guys have given me to work with! And so, this is an entirely fan-based story, where every comment, every plot twist, has been inspired by you guys and your awesome reviews! I've had over 3,000 hits on these stories, and well over 80 reviews! I've been proclaimed the "Master of Randomness" by so many of you I'm blushing! So, thank you, guys, for all of your support! This tenth story goes out to you! A lot of you readers may find some of your comments and "mini-stories" tucked away throughout this story! So, I'd just like to thank you all by name! If I missed anyone, I'm sorry!
-charmedxxone
-StarShipDelta (who's story is the main theme of this "Adventure")
-Jade Rhade
-Yusuke343 (actually, the whole pudding thing was my idea, but it's our joke!)
-Everyone else who made me feel so special with all of your wonderful reviews!
But I'd especially like to say something to this guy – toki togipi – this is what he/she/they wrote, copied and pasted straight from the review board! "red riding edward the shapshother and the big bag roy mustang wolf of horrible jokes." Well, you know what, pal? F YOU! Wahahahhaaaaa! I don't care what you think of my stories, now go learn how to be a little nicer ("if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all") and learn how to type! Oh, and get a sense of humor, while you're at it! Wahahahaaa!
Ok, sorry, guys, just had to get that out! Hahaa! Thank you again, everyone, and I hope that you enjoy "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures" number 10, "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Train Trip" – and may there be many, many more "installments of insanity" to come! (Thanks, ookamilupin! That's probably one of the fairest assessments of these stories that there is! Hahaa!)
I do not own FMA – but I do have some of the best fans in the world:)
Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Train Trip
Edward Elric limply made his way into the train station, stooped over and face glistening with sweat; his eyelids were drooped, and he appeared to either be about to fall asleep or pass out from heat stroke. Although, considering that he was practically in the middle of a desert and wearing pleathery pants, it was most likely the latter. 'Today is not a good day… at least I made Al stay in Central for this trip…' he thought. "… water…" he mumbled weakly as he closed his eyes and fell face down onto a bench on the station platform, his suitcase clunking to the ground beside him. A warm breeze rustled his damp hair. "Aaaaah… this wood feels nice and cool…" he murmured, only faintly aware of a beeping noise in the background. He opened one eye and looked around. The other passengers in the station, vainly trying to fan away the heat with hats and newspapers, were all looking at him funny. Not wanting to make a complete fool out of himself this early in the afternoon, Ed sat up and tried to act casual. 'Why are they all still staring at me?' Ed thought, looking around, still unaware of the beeping noise.
"A-hem!" a deep voice growled, making Ed jump. Slowly, cautiously, Ed turned around and looked up. A very fat, very sweaty police officer stood behind Edward, arms crossed and fingers tapping. He looked down his sweaty, bulbous nose at Edward, who blinked.
"Um… Can I help you?" Ed asked hollowly. 'What the hell is this guy's problem?' he thought. 'And what's that noise?'
"A-hem!" the policeman grunted again, pointing over his shoulder at the archway leading onto the platform. Ed leaned over, peering around the officer. He looked in surprise at a large, metal object, almost like a doorframe, that had a blinking red light at the top. He hadn't noticed it before, either, which in a strange way made sense because the unnoticed doorway was, in fact, the source of the unnoticed beeping noise – a very shrill beeping noise which was highly annoying – hence the funny looks from the passengers. Ed turned back around and stared at the glaring passengers, then stared into the officer's face.
"So…?" he asked, not really getting it. Dear, dear Edward… he was considered a genius all throughout Central, but sometimes he really made you wonder…
The officer frowned at the small blonde teenager in front of him. He furrowed his bushy eyebrows, and spoke.
"Is your brain as small as you are, or are you just dumb?"
Edward snapped. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY COULD GO 'SQUISH!' LIKE AN AMOEBA!" Ed screamed as he jumped up and down and waved his arms in the sticky heat.
"Very funny, little man," the officer snorted, "now come with me!"
"Errrrrrr! I am NOT SMALL!" Ed yelled as he pulled at his hair with clenched fists.
"I don't care what you are, just get over here! And bring your luggage!" the man huffed as he lumbered over to the machine.
"Fine! Damn #$!..." Ed cursed under his breath. He made his way over and stood in front of the machine, staring. 'I really don't want to have to deal with any of this…' he thought gloomily. The officer pushed a button on the machine. The machine stopped blinking and beeping. The passengers sighed with relief and resumed fanning themselves.
"Walk through," the officer ordered Edward.
Ed just stared at the machine. Then he stared at the officer. "What the hell is this thing, anyway?" he asked, pointing to the now-silent machine.
The officer stared at Edward. "… a metal detector…" he finally said, with a look that plainly stated to all the world just what he thought of the red-coated boy in front of him: the officer thought that Ed was about as dumb as a sack of rocks – and probably the same size, too.
Ed stared at the officer, with a look that plainly stated to all the world just what he thought of the uniformed man in front of him: Ed thought that the officer was about as dumb as a sack of $!# - and probably eight times the size, too.
They stared at each other like this for a while until Ed, in a voice dripping with "you're an idiot, you know that, don't you?" said, "… I have auto-mail, you know…"
The officer stared at Edward. He blinked.
Ed continued to stare at the officer. He raised his eyebrows. "Well?" he asked after several minutes of pointless staring.
"What the hell is that?" the officer asked, finally.
Ed almost fell over backwards. "'What the hell is auto-mail?' What do you mean? THIS is AUTO-MAIL!" Ed screamed as he rolled up his right coat-sleeve, exposing the gleaming steel to the sun.
The officer stared at Ed's arm. "Huh…" he grunted. "That's great, sonny, now walk through…" he said as he pointed to the metal-detector.
Ed slapped his fore-head – with his auto-mail hand, no less – a small cut appeared, and a little bit of blood began to trickle down his nose. Nevertheless, Ed walked through the metal detector. The machine began to beep. The officer made a face and turned off the machine. He threw Ed's suitcase through the metal detector. The machine began to beep, and the officer made another face before turning the machine off again. He had a very pissed-off Edward walk back through, upon which the machine began to beep, and the officer made another face and turned off the machine. This continued for about twenty minutes. Ed looked like he was about to scream, pull his hair out, or turn everyone in the station into banana pudding – Ed didn't know why, he just really liked banana pudding. But that wasn't the point – the point was, the dumb officer and his stupid metal detector were driving Ed crazy. 'I need some coffee, or some chocolate, or some crack, or something…' Ed groaned.
Finally the officer put his hands on his hips and declared to Edward, "Well, I'll be – it was picking up that metal arm of yours the whole time! Ok, sir, you can go and wait on the platform now," he said as he waved Edward away.
Ed stopped breathing. He stared at the officer. And then he screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"
Poor Ed – he really did need some coffee, or some chocolate, or some crack, or… uh-oh…
…
Roy sighed. This was turning out to be a terrible day. First he had to go out to Eastern Headquarters to show the new head officer around, and now he had to sit in this damned train for two hours until they reached Central. And on top of it all, Lieutenant Hawkeye had said that she had seen Fullmetal board at the last stop. That was ten minutes ago. 'Surely the little runt has found out where I am by now – then he's going to come and bug me for the rest of the trip!' Roy thought as he sighed again. Riza, who was sitting across from him in the reserved compartment, said nothing. Roy leaned his head against the train window – except that at that moment, the train jolted, causing Roy's head to be knocked against the window with a loud "Clunk!"
"Ow!" he shouted, rubbing at his head.
Riza continued to remain silent. Roy stared at her, then sighed, leaning back into his seat. 'I may as well try and sleep, then, while I have the chance…'
"SCREEEEEEEEEECH!" came the loud, grinding sound of metal on metal as the train applied its emergency brakes.
Roy, caught completely off guard, was pitched out of his seat and onto the floor at the Lieutenant's feet. Riza stared at him, then sighed.
"Honestly, sir, you really should pay more attention to your immediate surroundings," she said simply, unperturbed and un-moved by the sudden stop. Roy glared at her, but quickly forgot all about her comment as the shouts of angry passengers echoed back down the train. Riza opened the compartment door slightly in order to better hear what was going on.
"Where the hell are that kid's parents?"
"Honestly! Why hasn't someone arrested him yet?"
"What the hell does he think he's doing?"
"Damn hippies!"
Indignation suddenly turned into terror as the passengers' shouts became frightened screams, followed by a heavy thunking sound as passengers dropped down onto the ground to avoid the source of loud screech that was growing ever louder as it came up the train. Riza strained her ears to listen…
"WheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Shit!" Riza shouted as she quickly closed the door to the compartment. But she was too late…
"WHEEEEE! 'S' IS FOR 'DAVE'!" a thoroughly cracked-out Edward screeched as he blew down the train car and into the compartment.
"BAM!" Roy tackled Ed to the ground. Riza blinked. She had no idea that the Colonel was capable of something so sneaky, so powerful, so… sexy…
"You're not getting away from me, Fullmetal!" Roy shouted triumphantly to the squirming alchemist beneath him. Roy was beginning to sweat from the heat and from the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold down the cracked-out juggernaut.
"LEMME GO, LEMME GO! PINE BOARD! OCKEFENOKEE! LEMME GO, DAMIT, BEFORE I BUST YOUR BALLS!" Ed screamed as he tried to struggle free of Roy's grip. One had to wonder if Ed was going to start foaming at the mouth, soon…
Roy stared at Ed, his last comment just now registering. "Ex-cuse, me?" he asked Edward, "You're going to bust my what? What kind of lame threat is that, you little shrimp?"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP, YOU FLAMING PIMP?" Ed shouted back in rage and clever rhyme scheme.
"Errrrr! Fullmetal, I'm – !"
"WAIT!" Ed screamed, causing Roy to stop mid-sentence and stare at the teenager he had pinned to the ground. Ed stared at Roy, then looked around slowly and lucidly whispered, "Smell the pita bread roasting on the roof…" before wrenching free of the dumb-struck Colonel and running towards the compartment door. Ed's escape was premature, however, as his legs made contact with Riza's stuck-out foot and he crashed to the ground, knocking himself out cold. Roy just stared at where Ed had been. '… pita bread…?' he thought. He quickly shook his head, snapping out of his dazed state, and immediately began to draw a transmutation circle on the cushion of the compartment seat, transmuting a rope to tie Ed up with. After the cracked-out and knocked-out Edward was securely hog-tied and placed on the compartment seat, Roy went to go and tell the conductor that it was now safe for the train to continue towards Central. The passengers cheered.
Roy went back to the compartment, securely closing the door before sitting next to Hawkeye, who was sitting opposite of Ed and looking at the sleeping blonde with a wary eye.
"Thank God! I thought we'd never be able to catch him!" Roy sighed in relief, breaking the silence of the compartment.
Riza turned and looked at Roy. Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist and her superior officer… although, not superior in all things…
Roy noticed her staring at him. He shuddered. He really didn't want to know what was going through the Lieutenant's mind right now – whatever it was, it was probably bad news for him…
Riza gave a wicked grin.
Roy shuddered again. He knew that if it weren't for Ed being in the compartment with them, well… let's just say that despite being his subordinate, Riza usually always got her way through either smooth talking or coercion – and almost always the latter, thanks to her deadly guns and even deadlier aim. Such was the life of Roy Mustang… he sighed. Despite the evilly-grinning sniper beside him, Roy couldn't help but wonder, what drove Ed to the point of crack-needing insanity? He would soon find out… such was the life of Roy Mustang.
…
The train slowed to a stop in front of the platform, and the passengers all got off of the train, having to shuffle their way around the large suit of armor standing on the platform. Riza got off the train, carrying Ed's suitcase. Alphonse Elric saw the Lieutenant, and realized what she was holding. He hurried over to her.
"Lieutenant! Did something happen? Where's brother?" he asked, highly concerned.
Riza sighed. "Well, Al, your brother got into a bit of trouble on the train… The Colonel is bringing him now," she told Al as she handed him Ed's suitcase.
Al shook his head. 'Brother,' he thought, 'what on Earth have you done now?…'
Roy stepped off of the train, dragging along a tied-up and drowsy Edward, who, in his stupor, kept tripping over his own feet as he walked behind the Colonel. They reached Alphonse, who sighed at the sight of his brother.
"Ed, what did you do?" Al asked, slightly embarrassed by all of the passengers who stared and whispered to their companions things such as, "There's that little guy again! Damn hippy!"
Ed blinked, in too large of a drug-induced haze to notice the cracks at his height.
"Well," Roy said, "let's get him back to the dorms at headquarters, then – he'll need to sleep this one off…" Roy dragged Ed towards the exit, Riza and Alphonse behind him. However, first they needed to pass through a metal, beeping, and blinking doorway…
Riza stepped through first. Nothing happened. So the guard waved Riza on. Al went through next with Ed's suitcase. The machine beeped and blinked. The guard, apparently not noticing that Al was a giant, metal suit of armor, opened Ed's suitcase, found a pair of fingernail clippers and a metal tin of oil, deduced that that was what triggered the detector, and waved Al on. Next, Roy stepped through. Nothing happened, and so the guard waved Roy on. Then Roy pulled Ed through, and, lo and behold, the machine beeped and blinked. Ed looked around, eyes clear – whatever after-affects the crack had had on him were obviously gone. Ed sighed. 'Not again,' he thought as he pulled up his right coat-sleeve and showed the guard his auto-mail arm. The guard frowned.
"I don't know what set the machine, off – you'll have to go through again," the guard said to Edward. Edward turned red and glared at the officer, stomping back through and waiting with arms folded for the machine to be turned off. Once the detector stopped beeping, Ed marched back through, and – surprise, surprise, the detector was set off again by his auto-mail.
The guard scratched his head. "Well, maybe you have something in your pockets…"
Ed was now severely disgruntled. Roy shook his head and Riza just stared at the guard with a look that plainly stated, "men are such idiots…" Al stood close by, obviously nervous.
"Ed, take it easy, it'll be alright!" Al comforted. But after another twenty minutes of walking back and forth through a metal detector, not even Al could stop what was about to happen.
"I don't know what set the machine off this time, either – you'll have to go back through again," the guard shrugged.
Ed snapped. He pulled at his hair and gritted his teeth – it was all too much…
"YOU IDIOT! I HAVE AUTO-MAIL! AUTO-MAIL! MADE OF METAL! YOU SH – "
"Brother!" Al admonished. But he was too late… Ed had already pulled a plastic baggie from his pocket, the contents of which were… well… you know…
Angry golden eyes with large black pupils turned into something that can only be described as "cracked-out"…
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ed screamed, chasing the poor, pathetic guard down the streets of Central with a pair of fingernail clippers.
"Brother, wait!" Al shouted as he chased after his older, cracked-out brother.
The passengers stood silently and stared. Riza stared. Roy stared. A man walked by and shook his head. "Damn hippies…"
…
Riza sighed, thinking about the stressful events that the day had brought as she and Roy walked down the halls of Central Headquarters towards the Colonel's office. "You know, I could really do with some coffee, or some chocolate, or some sex, or something…"
Roy nodded. "Yeah, I know what you – " he stopped, Riza's last comment dawning on him like a sack of bricks hitting the pavement. He slowly turned and stared at her. … that smile… "Oh, God…"
He cried as Riza grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the break room. Roy sighed as tears silently flowed down his cheeks. Where was a cracked-out Ed when you needed him?…
…
End.
Hahahaa! Ok, people, I severely cracked myself up on this one! Hope you liked it! Thanks again for all of your wonderful support and stories and fantastic and inspiring reviews! You people all rock so much! I love you all! (sniff!) Please continue to inspire and motivate me with your awesome stories and wonderful comments! See you guys next time! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee:)