Alright, everybody, here we go! So, I've been pretty good so far with my resolution, right? Right? … Anyway, thanks to the following for today's adventure: Nightmare Rose, Roy-Fan-33, and Winterhart Zahneel Calina
Now, Winterhart ZC didn't actually submit anything funny – Rose and Roy-Fan did. All that Winter here did was remind me of how she had inspired the very first "Roy & Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures," which gave me the inspiration to write all of the rest.
So, "Happy Birthday," "Adventures!" You're 16 stories old, and you've had over 8,000 hits to date! To celebrate, I present to all of you a "commemorative-edition" installment of "Adventures!"
Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventure… Again…
Roy Mustang sat in the passenger seat of the car, gloomily looking out of the window – he hated giving reports in person.
"Sigh…"
"Is something the matter, Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye, his right-hand woman, asked him.
"Yeah… I hate giving reports…"
"I'm sorry to hear that, sir," Riza replied, turning her attention back to the matter at hand: driving the grumpy colonel safely to Central City headquarters.
"I don't know… I just wish that something – something exciting would happen once in a while!" Roy whined. Yet, for some reason, he couldn't help but feeling uneasy about all of this… He couldn't help but think that this had all happened before… But a misplaced feeling of Dejavu should have been the last thing on his mind – seeing as how in a few short sentences he would get his wish for an adventure… a very cracked-out adventure…
…
Riza was driving the car down a side road when suddenly a person ran out in front of the car.
"Shit!" Riza swore, swerving to avoid hitting the idiot.
"What the – ?!" Roy shouted, hanging on for dear life.
"POP!"
"Damnit! What the hell was that?!" Roy asked as soon as the car had screeched to a halt at the side of the road.
"I believe that was our tire popping, Colonel," Riza told him, smoothing back her hair and regaining her composure. "However, I think the more important question is, who was that standing out in the middle of the road?"
The two of them, clad in their military uniforms, stepped out of the car. They looked around – the person had vanished. Next, Riza checked to see what the damage was to the car: a popped back wheel, and a few scratches, but nothing major. Roy, on the other hand, did a happy jig: "I don't have to go to Central! I don't have to go to Central!" he sang, jumping up and down. Riza was about to admonish him for his foolishness, when –
"WHOOMP!" A blur came pelting out of nowhere (again), and tackled the dancing Roy to the ground.
"OW!! Get off of me!!! Hey!!" Roy shouted at the figure pinning him to the ground.
Riza quickly pulled out her gun – she raised it, shouting "Watch out, Col-"
"CORNELLO IS MY HOME-BOYYYYYYY!"
"What the hell?!" Riza shouted, forgetting all about playing the part of the "in charge and under control" woman.
"EDWARD!!! GET OFF OF ME!!!" Roy shouted, having finally figured out what it was that was suffocating him – Edward Elric (who was sitting on his stomach).
"I'M A PLAYAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ed shouted, jumping off of the colonel.
"WHHHEEEEEEE!!!" Ed began running around in a circle… in his boxers.
Roy fumed. Why was Ed constantly doing this to him? It just wasn't fair! Not to mention that it didn't make any sense… Roy tried to search his mind for some sort of answer or solution to his crack-hoarding subordinate's current behavior, pounding himself on the head with his fist. Other than becoming slightly dizzy, he had no such luck.
Riza wasn't having much luck, either, finding herself once again pleading with the hallucinating teenager.
"Fullmetal, sir! Calm down! Just calm donw!" she shouted, much the worse for wear. She began to lose control of herself, tears coming to her eyes. "Please stop running around, sir, and – Oh, God!" she cried, the tears now flowing freely. "Please, please," she cried desperately, "for the love of all that is good and holy, put some pants on!" She had been blinded by the whiteness of Ed's legs… again…"Or at least a spray-on tan, or something!" she shouted all the more frantically.
"Edward! What are you doing?!" Roy shouted, deciding it was easier to just go with his natural tendencies when dealing with Edward – his natural tendencies being yelling… and sarcasm… "You shouldn't be out here in the middle of nowhere! Someone could hit you with their truck – you're so small you'd stick to the windshield like a fly.
Edward stopped running and waving his arms. Riza cautiously made her way towards him as he stood and contemplated Roy.
Roy grew tense, waiting for something to happen. No matter what, he had to stall Ed long enough for Riza to grab him.
"You know what, Roy?"
Riza froze. Roy froze. They both stared at him. He sounded so… normal… Mustang's heart pounded. Riza, five feet from the boy, began to reach out towards him, sweating with nervous tension. What was going on? Why was Edward being normal all of a sudden?
"There's something else that's small…" Ed told his superior quite civilly.
Roy's heart pounded faster. Riza crept closer.
"And you know where that something is?" Ed asked coolly.
Roy tensed up. Riza stopped moving. 'Oh, crap,' she thought, 'here it comes.'
"… … … IN YOUR PANTS!" Ed shrieked, zipping off back down the road towards Eastern HQ.
Roy just stood there, staring at nothing. Riza just stood there, feeling like a fool, since her arms were still held out, reaching for an invisible Edward.
Roy breathed in and out deeply. "Lieutenant," Roy asked in a very small, dangerous voice, "will you excuse me for a moment?"
Before Riza had a chance to move, much less say anything, Roy was storming away in Ed's wake. "GET BACK HERE!" he bellowed, sending off random zaps of fire towards his cracked-out adversary.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEE! GIANT PICKLE!" Ed cackled insanely, well out of Roy's reach.
"AAAAAGH!"
And once again, Riza was stranded out in the middle of nowhere with a busted car…
…
"Put-put-put-put-put-PCHING!" went the car as Riza drove it slowly back into Eastern headquarters. As she neared the building, Riza applied the brakes, worn out from the car's rather precarious drive back through the desert. "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" went the brakes. Riza's ears bled. She was past being able to hear at this point. Although she did hear one thing…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Riza stared at the source of the shouting, wide-eyed and confused. Her poor mind couldn't take much else…
"…What are you doing?" she asked Falman, Fuery, and Breda weakly.
"Yelling at cars," Breda told her simply. The other two nodded in agreement, each with a perfectly serious look on their face.
Riza turned her head back towards the road and noisily continued on her way, her mind blown…
"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" went the car as she applied the breaks.
The three officers stared after her.
"You know," Breda told the other two, every time a car screeches, a kitten gets thrown off a cliff."
Falman and Fuery looked at him, then back at Riza's car.
"KITTENS FOR BRAKE PADS!" they both shouted out to her.
"SCREEEEEEEEEECH! BANG! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!" went the car. Riza had run it into a wall (at a terribly low speed), then proceeded to closer her eyes and let her head fall onto the steering wheel, letting it rest there on the horn.
The three officers concernedly jogged over to the car, missing the opportunity to yell at three others that drove by. They cautiously looked in through the window at Riza.
"Uh… Lieutenant Hawkeye?" Fuery asked quietly.
Riza's eyes suddenly opened. She turned and looked at the three officers. She gently pulled out her gun. She stared them in the face.
They looked back at her nervously.
"I'LL SHOW YOU 'KITTENS FOR BRAKE PADS!'" she yelled.
"RUUUUUUUUN!" Breda shouted.
And so the three ran, Hawkeye fast on their heels, bullets whizzing through the air.
Poor Hawkeye… her mind had snapped in two… The day's adventure had obviously not been too entirely pleasant for her… She needed a vacation… Or, better yet, a beer! Lots of beers! And hard liquor! And perhaps… a little crack to go along with it?
HAPPY SWEET 16, "CRACKED-OUT ADVENTURES!"
Keep on sending me those true-life experiences, everyone! This "series" would be nothing without you! And please, continue to review! Remember, you don't have to be registered with FanFiction to review my stories! See you all soon, everyone!