Ahhh… Sorry, guys! I realize it's been a while! The only reason I'm writing at all is because it's summer vacation! So, to give everyone a new story and provide a possible explanation for why there haven't been many stories lately, I now give you the next "Adventures" installment! I also added in a little something special for all my Royai fans! wink-wink
Disclaimer: I do not endorse the use of any illicit drugs in any way – I just have the characters use them because it gives me an excuse to have them perform embarrassing and stupid behavior. Also, I do not own FMA, but based on this story, I think you can figure out what would happen if I did. ;)
Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Dream Vacation
Edward Elric's auto-mail finger made circles on the starchy white fabric, lazily tracing patterns on his bedspread where he was stretched out. Edward sighed. He was bored.
"Hello, brother. How are you feeling?" Alphonse Elric asked quietly as he entered the brightly-lit white room and sat down at a chair by the window. Birds twittered happily in the trees outside – it was yet another bright and happy summer day in Central City.
Ed cast a tedious look at his brother before rolling his eyes and staring up at the ceiling. He was bored.
"Brother," Al said slowly in a soft, light-hearted manner, "I was thinking we could read a book today! Look," he said as he pulled a bright blue hard-bound book from his armor, "it's about a little puppy that goes to a park – and it has pictures! Isn't that wonderful, big brother?"
"Al," Ed sighed exasperatedly, "I'm in rehab, not a mental institution. I don't need to be treated like a kid! I'm completely in my right mind."
Alphonse stared at Edward silently for a few moments. "… Um… are you sure?"
"YES I AM SURE!" Ed yelled angrily.
Alphonse gave a clanky shrug. "I was just checking. You acted awfully like a kid whenever you were cracked-out. I just assumed…"
"Oh, whatever," Ed grunted, huffily turning to stare out the window, the bright summer's day clashing horribly with his mood. "You know what, Al? I really wish the Colonel and the Lieutenant would come back from their vacation."
Alphonse said nothing, yet silently agreed. While most of Ed's actions were either directed at or even caused by his superior, Central just wasn't the same without the Colonel and Lieutenant…
Ed continued to stare out the window, thinking about how much fun the Colonel must be having on his vacation. He sighed. He was still bored.
…
Riza Hawkeye's finger made circles on the silky cream fabric, lazily tracing patterns on the sheets of the bed where she was laying. She sighed. She was content. "Roy?" she called out. "Roy, what are you doing? We have reservations for dinner!"
"I'm trying to find some clothes!" Roy Mustang called out from the large walk-in closet as a bright pink Speedo sailed across the room.
Riza laughed. "What are you talking about? I packed you plenty of clothes!"
Roy Mustang's head peered from around the doorway, his face bright pink. "Shorts, t-shirts, and skimpy bathing suits are hardly clothes!"
Riza got up from the bed, her pale sundress gently clinging to her sun-kissed skin. She laughed lightly as she wrapped her arms around Roy's neck. She had never felt so relaxed before in her entire life. "Roy, we're at the beach – those are clothes."
"I know," he said, slightly blushing, "it's just that… no one's ever seen my…"
"Your what?" Riza asked coyly.
"… my legs…" he said in a small, sheepish voice.
Riza backed up and stared at him, mind blank. "You're kidding, right? I mean, come on!"
Roy stared at her incredulously as he walked from around the door, white cotton shirt unbuttoned, revealing his well-toned chest and abs, and khaki beach shorts that revealed his stark-white legs. "I've never heard you talk like that before... so… openly."
His Lieutenant gave him a small smile. It was true. She was normally very reserved. But this was a vacation! Riza couldn't remember the last time she went on a vacation – provided she had ever been on one at all! And what's more, she was getting to spend it with none other than Roy… She had been scared at first that he'd reject her proposal for a dual get-away and that she'd have to resort to her usual tactics in order to bring him along, but, surprisingly, Roy was very eager about the idea. And how… he was the one that suggested a beach… in a different country… thus eliminating the chance of someone tracking them down for any sudden military business. So yes, she was acting much differently than normal – she had no paperwork to deal with, no military personnel to deal with – virtually no cares or responsibilities. Save for one… Roy. He was forever going to be her responsibility (which is why she had to pack for him) and this vacation was the first time in a long time where she actually enjoyed this life-long task, thus reminding herself why she was doing this in the first place.
Riza's reverie was broken by the sudden white light that seemingly blinded her. "Oh, my – what is that?" she asked, shielding her eyes with her hands.
Roy gave her a hurt look before saying in a condescending tone, "I told you I shouldn't wear shorts!"
Riza squinted as she walked back towards him, renewing her arms' hold around his neck, bringing his face closer to hers. "Well," she said in a tone reminiscent of her usual no-nonsense work-place attitude, "we'll just have to buy you some pants later."
"What? Why later?" he asked. "I can't wait until later! I'll blind everyone on the beach if I go out to town like this!"
Riza smiled as she leaned in to kiss Roy lightly on the cheek. "Because… the sun's setting – and we're at the beach…"
The Colonel stared at her for a moment, thinking back to all the times when he had wanted to be near her like this, talk to her, kiss her… But they'd always been under the globally-vigilant eye of the military and their peers. But now… well, now was a completely different matter – they were alone this time, and, like Riza said, the sun was setting… and they were at the beach… how much more romantic of a situation could you get when you were on vacation with someone you weren't supposed to be romantically involved with? 'And besides,' Roy thought as he gave his Lieutenant a coy smile, 'she hasn't even tried tying me to the bed yet – I should take full advantage of this situation!'
Hand in hand, Roy and Riza walked out of their hotel and onto the beach, the brilliant red and orange hues of the setting sun masking the red of their blushing faces.
…
"Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie-boo! Shnarck!" a drooling, half-crazed and completely cracked-out Scar blathered as he stumbled along the sandy beaches of a little vacationing-spot in the nation of Creta (a nation to the west of Amestris) that also happened to be where Roy and Riza were currently, ahem, enjoying the view. In the dying light of the sun's rays, Scar spotted them deeply immersed in a make-out session – yet it was the reflection of Roy's legs that sent him over the edge. The bright white light sent Scars' delirious mind over the edge…
"RASTAFARIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Scar screamed as he came charging over the dunes towards the entwined military pair.
Riza's eyes flashed as she saw Scar coming towards them out of the corner of her eye. "Errr…" she growled as she broke away from her and Roy's kiss, "give me a BREAK!" Her mind reeled at how unlikely it was that they should run into anyone – much less Amestris' most-wanted – on their vacation, while they were making out, and have that somebody be on crack! She would have almost expected it from Ed, but this? And now?
But before Riza could pull out her gun and prove once and for all that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Roy sat up from underneath her, obsidian eyes smoldering, and, gloved hand raised, snapped his fingers. Having been so rudely interrupted in the middle of the most passionate kiss he had ever had, Roy's anger turned to action as his primal male instincts took over, eliminating the foe that was trying to steal his mate from him.
"GAAAAH! CRÈME BRULEE!" Scar screamed in agony as the back of his shirt erupted into flames. He ran around and around in tight, fast circles on the beach until his cracked-out mind told him that now would be the best time to stop, drop, and roll – which he promptly did.
Riza watched on, fascinated and some-what shocked by Roy's quick actions, as Scar put himself out. "I can't believe that just happened…" Riza quietly said to herself, referring to both Scar's being on crack, his showing up on the beach while they were making out, and how Roy responded to the threat before Riza did.
"Hmph," Roy grunted before pulling Riza back to him.
"B-but, shouldn't we apprehend Scar?" Riza stammered, torn between kissing Roy and turning in a wanted murderer.
Roy turned his head and looked at Scar, who was now scooting his butt across the sand while singing a song that was apparently about strawberry jam. "No – I think that can wait," he said.
And with that, Roy and Riza resumed enjoying their vacation at the beach.
…
Edward lay on his side on the scratchy hospital-issued bed of the rehab center, staring blankly out the window. He sighed. He was bored.
Suddenly, the sound of squeaking wheels and the heavy doors of the ward opening filled his ears. He rolled slightly over and watched as they wheeled a sedated Scar next to him, the large and terrifying man lying on his stomach on the starched-white sheets of the bed, his entire backside covered in stiff white bandages, the smell of burn ointment hovering above him. Ed sat up and turned and faced the gently snoring mass on the bed next to his and smiled. He wasn't going to be bored anymore.
Well, everybody, I hoped you liked it – especially the Roy and Riza parts! Keep sending me in some funny stuff – I know some of you have, and I promise, it's waiting in the wings! But still, send in funny stuff! You never know, it may be a quick write-up, resulting in more cracked-out adventures for you to read sooner! Oh, and send me a review:D