Author's Note: Hi there! Sorry for the wait again, but, unfortunately, my computer problem isn't solved yet, so I have to wait for when it stops freaking out to write... It hurts me to, believe me... I will get a new one, however, I have to wait for the end of the new month for the one I want to be available, so til' then the updates are going to be a bit slower. Sorry...
From the good news, the Shizaya goodness is going up a notch – in the meaning of their interactions – basically more of them from now on... :D Hope this chapter's 'strangeness' will go along with you. I think you'll get what I mean after reading it ;D
Sorry for the long piece of the song, but I just felt it fits and had the need to put it along with my writing... ;)
Katie Melua – The Flood
"Broken people get recycled
And I hope that I will.
Sometimes we're thrown off our pathways
What I thought was my way home
Wasn't the place I know
See the rock that you hold onto
Is it gonna save you
When the earth begins to crumble?
Why d'you feel you have to hold on?
Imagine if you let go
Blame, no one is to blame
As natural as the rain that falls
Here comes the Flood again"
The walls surrounding me were what created my home and yet I felt no solace, no calm, no peace of spirit. My thoughts were a jumbled mess and not even the familiar cosiness of my bed and warmness of the well worn-out bedclothes stopped the incessant whispers haunting me. Those were the whispers of my own mind, reminding me of my weakness, pride that held me back in more ways than one, my own stupidity... I was thoughtless, stubborn and no good it did to me. It all ended in the embarrassment of the year or even the last ten years if I were to think about it more thoroughly. I could even say that I sold myself to my pride. Wasn't it pitiful? And what was the outcome? Worse than if I didn't try rescuing it... That was the punishment for my bent self-respect. Izaya having his fun on my cost again. But if that wasn't enough, there was still Shinra and his absurd, surreal and hideous accusations. Accusations of me and... the flea being... involved... romantically... Argh...! It made me sick!
My hair must have looked like a bird's nest by now, from all the pulling and my fists clenching in it from frustration. And it all started because...?
I, Heiwajima Shizuo couldn't stand the thought of that vile bastard Izaya seeing me hobbling ungracefully with the stupid crutches, to see me even more weak and devastated. And I knew he would make it his personal crusade to lower my self-esteem more still, which meant I wouldn't feel bad, ill or uncertain like I did right now. He would ensure I was laughable, hopeless and useless to myself. Less than a bag of trash that could be at least recycled and reused, had a purpose. So, I couldn't let that happen, wasn't ready for him to try. Because if he would, I knew he would have won for sure. I wasn't strong enough to ignore his words, I would believe in them. If not at that moment, they would wait, building doubt step by step to finally corner me and attack directly. Ultimate defeat of Heiwajima Shizuo as a person... Only a wreck would have remained. I was sure.
Without actual line of defence, I was sentenced to bear with whatever that flea pestered me with. And his attempts where driving me crazy then. Somehow, I managed to stand firm in my resolution. How? I can't fathom it myself, as with every insulting or provocative word I felt my body ready to strike, the menacing a little relief... Yet I stayed calm – it was calm for me – and in the end it was my defeat. The one fucking time I miraculously composed myself, it happened to be the one time I shouldn't do it! Go figure...
And how could I be so blind and deaf? How could I left my guard down in the presence of the louse? I landed myself in the situation where my life and sanity were in danger, just because I was pissed off and absent-minded. A fool to a cosmic extent...
I touched my neck in the place where the knife cut into it. If I were to be honest, it was actually a self-inflicted wound. It was my move that caused it. Not that it absolved the flea's fault... Was it all really to make me open the door of our temporary prison or was it another game to investigate my reactions? Why of all the possible adversaries mine has to be the most tricky and a fucking bookworm at that? It wasn't fair in the slightest... Had I a chance to understand his actual motives? Should I bother? Was I in need of them to crush his skull against a concrete wall? No. So why was I even considering it? I was starting to lose the ground from under my feet... A fucking unpleasant feeling!
And Shinra? He didn't want to believe in my words. I was apparently in denial according to him... In what, I ask? A denial? There wasn't one warm feeling I associated with the flea and I was in denial? He assumed that we where hiding a relationship because we were scared of our friends' reaction. That we were dating since before Raira and we panicked when Izaya had to attend the same school as me, not ready to 'come out' and so came up with the idea of playing enemies. And it made sense in Shinra's head as 'who would hate someone not even knowing him?'. My rush reaction was a confirmation of Shinra's idea suddenly... Nothing I said changed his mind...
Who would throw vending machines at a lover? - 'I knew he was going to miss it. Besides, I made sure not to really harm him. Normally, we would have already killed each other, so it made even more sense, finally!'
Who made a car ride over a lover? - 'Izaya knew I was able to take it and it was an ideal way to hide our true feelings from everyone as it was really drastic.'
Who came into a lover's apartment and threatened him in the presence of his secretary? - 'While working every day with Izaya, she must have started to sense something was between us and that was to dull her suspicions.'
Who put a lover in jail, making sure he lost a good job as a bartender? - 'Izaya seems to be possessive and was probably jealous of all the customers looking at me and chatting with me every night. What if they tried stealing me from him? And the jail? Wasn't I freed of all the charges in the end?'
Who chased a lover through the entire city with a deadly growl coming out of one's throat? - 'It was once again a cover and the only way to see each other more often without it being suspicions. A great foreplay if one was into something a little more hardcore, and we undoubtedly were, taking our psyches into account.'
My head was throbbing at that point and I had to stop or it would end in Shinra's sudden death... How the hell could he think that kind of things? I thought he knew me and here he was, fantasizing about me and my mortal enemy all lovey-dovey in the sickest way I could have probably imagined. Not that I wanted to. Oh no...!
And fuck if it didn't remind me of the incident in Shinra's apartment! I can't stress how badly I wanted to forget about it... I still felt the knife at my throat and those hands wrapped tightly around my body. I remembered that chest so close to my back, his laugh sending tremors down my spine – in disgust of course, what else could it be? I could almost sense that bastard's breath on my ear while he tormented me with taunting words. His hair tickling the back of my neck, while all my muscles were tensed from the overwhelming need to bite his head off. I didn't want that kind of proximity with him. I didn't want him touching me and turning my pain into an aggravating unease. I was cursing myself for how easy it was for him to make me insecure. It was me who partially changed the rules of the game by not moving from fear of being embarrassed and my efforts ended in exactly that. Worse even...
Shinra only turned it up a notch, giving the flea more than he could probably hope for. There was no way he was going to forget about it. He, even right now, had to be scheming how to use that idiotic idea to his own advantage. He figures it out – I'm doomed. Now I was just waiting for a thunder to strike me dead, not sure where and when, but certain of it happening.
The question of why tormenting me had to mentally turn the pest on didn't leave my head. The fact I was so easy to fluster, and there was no way he didn't notice it, added to my misery. He took advantage even of that. Sick bastard! I couldn't control my flush no matter what and he had seen it. I felt utterly humiliated and exposed. Everyone but him... It was no use to try not thinking about it. I've tried and failed. Repeatedly. Like a hidden splinter – I couldn't even find it to try removing it from my body and so it was irritating me constantly.
How should I prepare myself for the surely oncoming catastrophe in the disguise of the flea and his speculations? I had no idea unfortunately...
My musings were interrupted by a loud knocking sound on the door. Nothing or no-one I was looking forward to, though... I carefully sat up and then stood up with the help of the crutches, to finally move slowly in order to let the person in. On the margin, think twice before you visit a cripple, the energy I had to waste in order to get to the door only made me more cranky. Maybe I should give a key to those who I wanted to see? It would be definitely easier for me and for them. They wouldn't have to wait all this time under my front door...
Why it didn't cross my mind to look through the eye-hole is beyond me. Let's just say that I carelessly opened that stupid door, widely at that, and not checking who it was even at that point, stepped, or rather limped, aside – the fucking idiot that I am...!
The moment I actually saw the visitor, was when I locked the door behind him and turned around. It's a miracle it didn't result in a instantaneous heart-attack or a stroke, I was only rooted to the spot, unable to say a word or move a finger. Why that kind of reaction? Whoever knows – I'll be happily enlightened – as I myself was oblivious.
"What? You speechless again? It's a new habit of yours? Can't say I like it... Actually, I am surprised you opened. Thought I will have to use some of my hidden abilities, like locks braking and here... you let me in so easily... It's some special occasion or you started to feel more civil suddenly?" he asked in a light, conversational tone.
"Out..." I only managed to say.
"Oi! I only entered your house... A girl changes her mind less often, Shizu-chan..."
"Out!" I shouted this time.
Why the hell...! My thinking summoned him or what? Why the unwanted things happened the fastest? A sick joke... However, more than about my anger I was thinking again about all the things from before. I atoned for my earlier pride with a highly embarrassing situation and here... so easily I made my worst fear come true. I really was hopeless and the pest didn't have to tell me that... There was no more strength in me. Virtually none, as my hands refused to co-operate with me in holding those fucking crutches and without them it was too hard to stand. Especially when my only working leg started trembling and tensing in turns. Because of that, I only managed to lean my back against the wall behind me and slide down to sit on the floor, my injured leg stretched out - almost audibly screaming about my disability.
The silence that ensued was thick and tensed. For me at least... I couldn't master myself to rise my eyes and look at him, to just spare myself that obvious triumph sculpted in his features for good. I preferred my own downfall than his gloating glory. Though, it wasn't usual for him to delay his victory speech – if only to hear his own voice probably – so why was he silent?
I couldn't wait anymore – my gaze landed on him. What I saw should have been the last nail to my coffin, but it wasn't. It wasn't also a miracle that could rise the dead. It was a particular face expression that – knowing the person who it belonged to – made no sense at all... Surprise and uncertainty – that's what I saw. And I would have to be blind to misinterpret it. I wasn't. I didn't understand, however, what was happening. What the hell was going on here? Why everything had to change these days and surprise me like a blow in the face? Why was Orihara Izaya standing at my door and doing nothing to humiliate me as he always did? Why was my vision so blurry...?
U2 – Staring At The Sun
"There's an insect in your ear
If you scratch it won't disappear
It's gonna itch and burn and sting
You want to see what the scratching brings"
The moment I found myself at these door I started to think it wasn't really the best of my ideas, not even in the first ten... or fifty for that matter. It was utterly illogical and outright stupid. Still – I didn't resign from it. I knocked and my mind was telling me that even for the sake of my own fun and entertainment I shouldn't be here. Still – I didn't stop knocking. I waited – quite a long time might I say – and the reasoning behind my action started to seem less than appealing somehow. Why it came into my mind? I don't even want to know... It was too late to back off, so I had to play it the right way. One that was going to please me and leave Shizu-chan with a sense of defeat. Now, it made me a bit more optimistic...
I could hear steps from behind the door and, to my surprise, I was greeted by the interior of Shizu-chan's apartment, the owner not standing before me, ready to suffocate me or bang my head with a lamp, but behind the door, only his finger visible on the handle.
Was he trying to lure me inside to beat me there? I wasn't expecting anything else at that point. When I was coming here, I planned to let myself in, actually, with a bit of help of a skeleton-key... Yes, Orihara Izaya – always prepared! I just wanted to play with him a bit, bored once again. It was worrying me, as the time of me being occupied with other things was gradually decreasing and the one I found myself focused on was him – the idiotic brute. It wasn't foretelling me a bright future... I should be the one deciding if it was 'pissing Shizu-chan off' or 'thinking about how to piss Shizu-chan off' time or not. It ought to be a conscious choice, not a process I was suddenly catching myself on in the middle of something entirely else. So, I came here to take the enemy at fault head on. The sooner I was going to settle this, the better. It's a favour I owed to my ease...
I entered the apartment, cautious and ready to defend myself. Unnecessarily. Shizu-chan wasn't looking at me – something I should maybe start getting accustomed to – as he slowly closed the door. It was the first time I saw him using his crutches and the picture hit me as purely odd, wrong, unfitting... Before I had more time to think about it, he managed to turn and probably it was the time he finally realised who he let into his house. His face confirmed my suspicions... It was pure shock and... after sharing some 'pleasantries' it all started to change like in a kaleidoscope. He went through disbelief and then anger – if it was at himself or me I wasn't sure. For a split second it was fear, only to change very fast into understanding, with a hint of tragic irony, and settle on defeat... That's what I thought at least...
I couldn't deny that it was interesting and comic in a way – I got what I wanted not even doing more than showing up at his door – but it appeared to me as useless in the end. I was void of the sheer delight that me taunting him would give me. It was like being given a puppy that you always craved having and he happened to be the opposite of your dream one – lazy, egoistic and uncaring. Who would have wanted a dog acting like an old cat? It didn't make any sense... That's how I perceived the current situation.
I became more disappointed when the brute slid onto the floor looking like he lost all the strength in his body. As if he was a suddenly deflated balloon... I didn't understand it the slightest bit – something that was a novelty not too long ago, however, nowadays, started following me like a plague... The greatest shock met my gaze in time with Shizu-chan rising his head to look at me. That I felt speechless wasn't giving it justice. Dumbstruck? Stupefied? Benumbed? Discomfited? Name it, I don't think it would be the right word to use... Silence was quite accurate I suppose...
Why? Well... If you were to look at your life-long enemy's face, whose life you knew was full of violence, anger, pain and maybe even misery at times, and see something that wasn't there through all that not at all happy events, what would you do? How would you react? Laugh? I did that a lot lately. Always because of him, at his cost. Now, like once before, it didn't even cross my mind. There was just a blank page in my head. Not a single harmful thing I could think about doing. Nothing...
The tears were flowing down his face like shiny little crystals and I watched them. There was no sound, no move – just those tears and his eyes focused on mine. Was it a charm he was trying to cast on me? Was it what the ancients called catharsis?
The time flew and we didn't change our positions or speak. Somewhere along I realised that at the beginning he wasn't even aware that it was happening, that he was crying in front of me. And then that moment came, I knew, because his eyelashes fluttered slowly – once, twice – and his eyes became even more wide, more intense. His whole persona was screaming vulnerability, hopelessness. The both of us were aware of that and... waited. Neither...ready? Ready for what? For him I could not tell, for me? I was afraid... yes, afraid... to ask myself, because the answer was just under my skin, on the tip of my tongue. And it was terrifying.
The purpose of me being here changed, something shifted without my and, more so Shizu-chan's, will and we found ourselves on a crossroads without signs. In the middle of nowhere and somewhere. Nothing made sense and we made as little sense as it was possible in this universe. He wasn't himself and I wasn't me. We just were...
Maybe that's why I slowly moved into his direction, cautious not to make a sound, to break the bubble we were in, in fear of disappearing along with it. I knelled before him and our eyes met for the first time on the same level. His tearful and lost, mine dry and prying. I reached with my right hand and dry fingers met wet skin. I registered it was also hot, not warm, and that it shouldn't be so soft if it was his... But it was all unimportant then, just minor thoughts. Important was the reaction, not my senses. And Shizu-chan? His eyes fluttered once more, concealing his lost gaze like a delicate veil, and after a moment rose, to show amber orbs of surrender.
Right then and there I had him on a silver plate. Everything and anything – he would have given me and let me do all that I cared to do. All I ever wanted, what I thought I wanted, in front of me without the need to pay for it, ready to take and use...
And I denied it to myself... No, not even that... I didn't want to take it! It was a matter of a personal choice. One I thought was improbable for me to make and yet... Surprise!
I think in that moment our eyes must have looked the same, save the colour. They expressed pure astonishment, incomprehension. For ourselves and the other's reaction. For the extraterrestrial-like situation.
Blame it on the atmosphere or something entirely else... I carefully wiped his tears away, to some point still not believing in their existence, despite of the moist proof I had on my own fingertips now. Then, not thinking about it at all, I leant foreword a little and my mouth found the way to his eyes. Again, I could feel his eyelids flutter close under my lips as I kissed them delicately, a ghost of a touch, to withdraw to my previous position.
Was I aware of my own action? I can't tell and probably it doesn't matter. I did what I did. There's no way to turn back time even for me...
The knock on the door was all we needed to suddenly come back to reality. There was no time for a confrontation with what happened right then and I blessed that with all my might. It took me seconds to stand up and leave him, passing Celty in the door. She didn't say anything. She couldn't. There still wasn't any sound. No laughter. Silence...