Author's Note: It's me again! With an update of course! First, sorry for not thanking you for the reviews and so in the update before, I was just so pissed off on my computer... Right, so I'm thanking everyone now, twice as hard ;D I appreciate your comeback very much and it makes the story go! :D
Now, to answer a reader's question, this story is now Shizaya in the way of the literally 'dominant' partner, but remember that there is also the psychological part and the things in between if you know what I mean ;D
More importantly: I have a proposition for you, my lovely readers. Tell me who would you like to appear in the story soon, what kind of character, and I can make that happen. The character with the most voices 'wins', obviously. That's just a reward for all your encouraging words... if you want to use it. Your choice :)
Sia – Breathe Me
"Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe"
Darkness. Only the soft light of the moon creeping shyly through the window to cast a silvery glimmer onto the surfaces it touched delicately, almost coquettishly – a gentle luminosity soothing weary eyes. Melodious, smooth sounds of the piano ceasing the overbearing silence, a subtle draught for strangely thirsty ears. Warm embrace of the water relaxing what's tensed and tired. A sweet aroma caressing tenderly the dry palate and a rich texture appeasing the awaiting tongue. Calmness...
Alone, in my spacious bathroom in a bath filled with scented water, I wallowed myself in luxury... Self-indulgence from the ancient times was a remedy to all sorrows. I intended to drown myself in it if it was the only way to shut off my mind and stop it from wandering to precarious places. No matter my willingness, however, my means of falling into oblivion seemed to be insufficient. Those comforting shadows, Eric Satie's alluring music, the beautifully fragrant and hot water, the semi-dry red wine of great class and slices of the delicious, mouth-watering ootoro proved to be appallingly disappointing. I was still able to think too clearly, I was too focused...
The cleansing process worked only in my hopeful imagination and now I was even more lost and confused than before, not able to forget about the past happenings and the fact of not being able to forget them as well. A double defeat... A silly one that I've brought on myself without anyone's help. Now Orihara Izaya was mourning over himself, as he was no longer the same person. I made a choice that changed something that shouldn't be meddled with. The fragile balance has been shaken and the aftershocks continued to take their toll on me... and probably on him as well. But that was the last thing I wanted to occupy myself with...
I'm not a good person in other people's understanding. And I don't want to be seen as one. What I did negated who I am and that left a sour aftertaste in my mouth, a bitter tincture that haunted me mercilessly. If I had only chose the path of the biblical Pontius Pilate and washed my hands off from the situation... That would have been somewhere in between, something I could came into agreement with, put aside. I pulled out my hand, though, and stayed. There was that... moment... between us I couldn't grasp nor describe. My motivation was a mystery to me and if there was one thing I knew – the brute had to be in the same state then – comprehending nothing.
What should now be done? How to go back to 'normal'? Was it an option even or just an unattainable dream? Who was I if my priorities were tossed aside so easily, without a thought? What my current state said about me? How can I regain my peace if every known to method had no positive effects? All this questions and no answers to obtain. A human is like a reed on the wind – weak, but knowing. I was never fond of baroque philosophy, yet I felt just like that. I was capable of reasoning, though it held no actual significance, as my weak body and troubled mind couldn't make use of that skill. I made it to myself. I changed myself into an internally jittering mess. Fool!
Above all, I became familiar, one could say that even intimate in a way, with my enemy, the person I should detest. An oppressor, not a consoler, was my role. Something so simple as tears, Shizu-chan's tears, turned out to be my nemesis, broke the meticulously built up walls of indifference when I least expected it.
I tilted the crystal glass in my hand and observed the ruby liquid spilling out of it in a steady rhythm, suffusing the see-through surface of the water with a bloody hue. My eyes were fixed on the rippling redness as if it was real blood and not the wine that I was sipping not long ago. My blood? A wound that couldn't be seen, but was unmistakeably there, under the surface...
A dry laugh left my constricted throat and in a swift move I dived under that tinted water, my whole body covered thanks to the grand size of the bathtub. The crystal glass landed on the tiled floor, cracking into pieces, only a muffled sound in my ears hidden underwater. My eyes opened – I saw the thin cover of the wine just above my chest, still visible, though not so clear. I laughed again shortly and a string of air bubbles flown into the surface. I finally became truly mad! A loony! A raving lunatic, wasting horrendously expensive wine, comparing it to his own blood for no apparent reason and laughing underwater in his own damned bathtub, almost suffocating himself. Oh, and remember about the broken crystal glass that was also of high quality... If that wasn't madness then I don't know what was...
I emerged from under the water with a loud splash, some of it overflowing onto the floor because of my sudden movement. I was gasping for breath. What was I trying to achieve? Kill myself? Drowning myself wasn't my style really. Not to mention that suicide wasn't my style... And over such a trite thing...? Ha... Trite, I say now? Yes... It wasn't trite, however, not deadly serious as well. Totally idiotic though, for sure... I went to his house in order to stop thinking about him and what? I made myself do it even more frequently, non-stop almost. Shit, shit, shit!
"Get a grip of yourself, you stupid fuck!" I exclaimed loudly, my voice rebounding from the tiles and echoing.
How great! I was insulting myself out loud and it had to almost hit me in my face...
Not at all more composed, which was the intent of the bath that spectacularly failed, I angrily came out of it. The next thing was just a cherry on the top of it all. Because what have I done? Of course, stood on a fragment of the fucking broken crystal. It was sharp, obviously, and it took a second for my left foot to start bleeding. Brilliant!
I limped to the toilet on one leg and sat on it heavily. The inspection of the foot in question ended in more cursing and an unceremonious quick pull that left me bleeding more, though I didn't care at that point. Taking some toilet paper, I wrapped it provisionally around the wound and once again limped for a first aid kit that was in the kitchen. No idea why it was there really, as most people store those in their bathrooms... I didn't bother to towel my wet body or cover it, water dripping down from it, mostly from my hair. There was no-one in the apartment but me, no reason for false prudence. I wasn't one of those who were ashamed or embarrassed of nudity. We weren't monks and nuns and it weren't Middle Ages... And the feeling of silk sheets against bare skin... One must experience it, no use in describing.
Quickly and skilfully I treated the cut with an antiseptic, a salve speeding up the healing process and bandaged it. Truthfully, if I were to go with every bruise to Shinra, it would take too much time. Of course I could tend to myself in such silly situations...
The job done, with a bit of difficulty I went to my bedroom up the stairs and pounced unceremoniously onto the bed. I wasn't in a right state to worry about soaked bedspread. I rose my hands above my head and stared at them.
A pair of normal hands, one would say. Human hands – bones covered with muscles and skin, slightly visible veins with blood flowing through them. Hands that were skilful more than average ones, however. Fast and deft, with dexterous fingers ready to perform a deadly dance with a sharp knife as a partner. To threaten and cut was their main purpose, yet they were used in an entirely different way. Not destructive and scathing, but tender and reassuring those hand were... They tried soothing the pain when they ought to cause it. It felt as if the wiped tears drilled invisible channels in those fingers that were now tingling with an alien sensation. They stayed warm when the rest of the body cooled down, as if the anguish they witnessed and hoped erasing without an intelligible reason woke them up and made them more sensitive. Lips that tasted salted tears from the enemy's eyes felt the same, if not even more... alive.
I could feel... so many foreign feelings and it was so intense that... unbearable. A seemingly simple gesture... yet for me a taboo, a profanation of the path I've chosen for myself a long time ago. What now? Why was it so hard to ignore, like the rest of all the inconveniences bothering the human race?
I was running in circles now, asking the same questions on and on like a broken record. The same thoughts were assaulting my mind and not even the throbbing cut in my foot could take my attention off of it. I wanted to be numb again! I wanted to turn my back on the world and be left alone. Alone from all the stimulants, impulses and urges that left me in my current state. Alone from the thoughts and feelings. Just... alone...
I curled myself into a tight ball, like a scared infant. I was always afraid of death... And now? Being alive seemed to be more of a threat...
Scott Matthew – White Horse
"And now there is a white horse caged in my heart
And it's going to kill me just to get out
Now there is a white horse caged in my heart
And it's trying to kill me just to get out"
Wrapped in a heating blanket and with a steaming cup of cocoa warming my hands, I was trying to regain control of my trembling body. Celty was sitting right beside me on the bed, waiting patiently for a good moment to speak, or rather write in her case.
I was grateful for her company, as left alone I wouldn't be able to move even, sitting on the cold ground like a lifeless doll. Her presence, however, calmed me a bit – the bit that I needed not to freak out more than I already had. In other words, she kept my sanity on a leash right now, not letting it flee, like it undoubtedly would have without her help. I sighed deeply, raggedly and turned my head to look in her direction.
She wasn't wearing her helmet, the usual black smoke hovering lightly above her neck, yet it didn't distress me, quite the opposite. It was what I got used to, something normal, despite its potential strangeness... Maybe for another person being friends with a headless rider with paranormal powers wasn't a normalcy, or even something they would be willing to sustain, but I was contented with how the things were between us. We didn't have to fear each other, lie and be somebody else in front of each other. We were just Celty and Shizuo. Two people with bonds of friendship. That's why at her question of what happened I answered truthfully, though a bit hesitantly – I still didn't understand it myself...
"He came here, I'll say I have no idea why before you ask – probably to play around as usual, and I've let him in without being aware it was him standing under my door. When I finally saw him, though, I just... I don't know... panicked? I know you all help me from your own will, not pity, but... It's hard to see myself as I did before. I know it's probably only temporary and all, still... I was... I was afraid he'd make me believe that I'll be totally useless and hopeless no matter how hard I'll try. Somehow all of my fears just woke up and I felt like I've lost everything... just like that. Without a fight. And I know he knew that I gave up for a moment. He could do anything he wanted, from making fun of me to slitting my throat... and he didn't. He just... didn't. It was.. like a dream from then on. I... I just remember he... knelled in front of me and... wiped my tears off and then... and then he... Fuck! And then he kissed me! Twice.. And then you knocked and he left just like that and the rest you already know..." it all came in a hurried, broken and uncertain voice of a witness's or victim's testimony.
I realised I was trembling more than before when some of the cocoa spilled onto my hand. It was horrible! I felt like after running for an hour and it was a simple talk that drained me so... I could hear Celty's fingers speeding on her phone keys and she put it in front of my face to read not a moment after she started.
"WHAT? KISSED you? Twice? Orihara Izaya...?" well, I suppose it wasn't overreacting in that particular situation...
"Argh...! You don't have to make me even more freaked out, you know? That's not helping! But, really... it's... true. He kissed me twice and I did nothing to stop him. I was looking at him silently like some mute idiot and accepted everything he decided to do... Though it's not... It was my eyes... eyelids he kissed... It's not... It's not as if he kissed me on my... mouth... And I... I don't fucking understand him! I don't fucking get it at all!" I shouted almost, spilling more of the warm drink on myself in frustration.
"He kissed you on the eyes? And wiped your tears? It looks like... Well... Don't get mad Shizuo, but it looks as if he wanted to... comfort you...?" I could read Celty's immediate response.
"Comfort me...? But it's the fucking flea! He makes me miserable on every possible occasion... Why would he do something like that? It doesn't make sense! He could destroy me completely and he chose to comfort me? I can't... It's not... Fuck! He should have killed me on the spot and I wouldn't fucking be here, thinking about his sick motives! Stupid pest!"
"Shizuo! Don't you dare saying thing like that again! You were rescued for a reason! Well, he helped you before in a much worse situation so is it really so shocking that he ended up comforting you? The first was also more than strange..."
"I don't want it... I don't want his comfort or pity or whatever it is...! It's enough that I have to think about my leg recovery, irritating fleas like him shouldn't mess with my life in any way possible, no matter the outcome or intentions! Because that's what it is... His fucking messing with my head!"
"I wasn't there when he... kissed you, but... don't you think it would be a little too much even on his side? To do that kind of thing just to mess with your head? Wouldn't it affect him as well? He's still a human, no matter what he wants to think... Well, at least Shinra says so and as he is his doctor..."
"How the hell should I know? I wouldn't put it past him... He's a sadistic bastard in nature!"
"Maybe you're right... Though, should you really let it bother you so much? Stop thinking about it if you can't figure it out, Shizuo. You said yourself you have your leg to focus on. Besides, things often clear themselves out on their own. You should rest..."
I clenched my jaw slightly, but relaxed forcibly after a moment. Celty was probably right... I wasn't in that louse's head and there was no way I'd figure it out on my own, truthfully. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand.
"Right, thanks Celty. For listening and everything else... I would probably... Ah... Just thanks..."
"That's what friends are for. I'm going now, but we'll see soon again. Eat the soup and take your medicine, don't forget... And don't stand up just to walk me out to the door. I know you hate the crutches. Bye!" I read and smiled tiredly.
"You spend too much time with Shinra, you know? His doctor's overprotective attitude rubs off on you... Oh, and by the way... You say Shinra any of this and I'm going to find aliens even if they don't exist, just to let them visit you..."
"Shut up, Shizuo! I'm not like Shinra! And don't threaten me like that! I'll have nightmares again... Creepy aliens! I tell you, they're here, the world just doesn't want to admit it!" She typed quickly and put her helmet on.
I waved her a goodbye and was alone again, still with mixed feelings and a soaked blanket. Though, it was always better than the mess I was in before...
Things happened and... I knew I've changed somehow... A part of me died, but a new one was created. I just... wasn't yet sure what it was exactly. Like a... gut feeling. I needed a confirmation of some kind. What? Yeah, another mystery... My life started to complicate itself suddenly in that short period of time, right? In that moment I regret I wasn't more insightful for once. To figure out that mess and go forward... To have a peace of mind and not a bloody circus in my head! My heart... ached and I hated it. I wanted to squeeze it shut! But it was stirring on its own, confusing me. What was it that it wanted in the first place? Calmness? Well, it was blocking its own way right now... I wouldn't mind at all. A challenge? There was a leg to heal and strong will was needed as hell... Support? There was Celty, Shinra and all my other friends... I was at a loss...
'Affect him as well' she said. Was that so? It was hard to believe in... but... That moment he touched me was so different... surreal that... it really made seemingly absurd things more possible. However, did it matter if he... was moved by that as well? Really? We were enemies. Weren't we...?