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Switched

Chapter 46

SIX DAYS LATER

In a small dormer cabin on a shuttle ferrying vessel, Cayla lay on a bed beside a window of stars and gazed out vacantly at the vastness of space. Now that they were all so close to being free of Taron's ever threatening shadow forever, they did not want to take any chances that would condemn them again to a life of constant over-shoulder looking. Kathryn knew she could trust Admiral Dawson not to tell anyone about the rescue mission and she knew she could trust BElanna not to tell about the transport trace. To make sure that their involvement in Taron's death was never known, they had flown to a nearby colony as soon as the warp drive was back online, and the Doctor, in disguise, had acquired a shuttle ferrying vessel that would be big enough to conceal the Delta Flyer. That way, if Taron's remaining friends were scouring space for known enemies, they would not detect the flyer. Furthermore, they had decided not to send any messages to Earth, incase they were intercepted, and to go home by a route that would make it look like they were returning from a completely different area of space to where the explosion happened. The route had added two days to their journey, but two days was a small price to pay for a lifetime of liberty. As the shuttle-ferrier had no sickbay, and only one bedroom with a double bed which Kathryn and Cayla were sharing, Vic remained in the Delta Flyer under the constant care of the Doctor. But as the ferrier was designed for a lone pilot, it had advanced auto-piloting, so once the route had been entered there was little to do except keep an eye on things.

"I have good news," Kathryn said, entering the bedroom. "Vic has regained consciousness."

Cayla turned to her. "He has?""

"Yes. And he'd like to see you."

The light in Cayla's eyes faded at that. "Later."

Kathryn sat at the foot of the bed. "Why not now?"

"I'm not dressed," Cayla replied.

"Then get dressed. After all, it is almost 11am."

Cayla turned over in the bed and looked out of the window again. "I said later."

"There might not be a later. We'll be home in a couple of hours and we'll be dropping off Vic with this ship, the Doctor and Delta Flyer at Starfleet Headquarters. The Doctor wants to treat him at the sanatorium there as it's his main place of work. We're ok to transport now so it's better that we beam to Rylan Dock than take a ship...just incase one of Taron's cronies are watching."

"I don't know if I can," Cayla said.

"Can what?"

"Face him. You don't know what I've put him through. I did it for his sake, because he was better off without me, but I hurt him so much. How can I expect him to forgive me? And what right do I have to think that he could? I have no right to think it, no right to even dream that he could still want me. I don't even have a right to love him. But I do. I've never stopped."

"You're not the first person to hurt someone they love," Kathryn replied. "And believe me, you won't be the last. We've all done it, everyone of us. But it's the ability to love inspite of the hurt that makes you know the love is real. Because real love, true love, isn't just there through the good times, it's there through the bad times. The reason why Chakotay and I are so strong is because we've been to hell and back together. We've seen the best of each other and we've seen the worst of each other, but even when we haven't liked each other, we've loved each other, and that love has got us through. I know love will get you and Vic through too. For if your love wasn't real, wasn't true, you wouldn't still love each other now."

Slowly, Cayla turned back to Kathryn. "But it isn't me he loves. It's the woman I was fifteen years ago. I can never be her again."

"No, but I doubt he is the same man he was back then either. Life, experiences, they change us. I know I'm not the same woman I was fifteen years ago. But the woman I was then hasn't gone. She lives inside me, lives inside the woman I am now. Because who we were is a part of who we are now."

"But you know who you are," Cayla said. "I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore as I've changed my looks so many times to hide Vonra from Taron. The woman I was, the smart, idealistic woman with drive and ambition, died when I got kicked out of the force. Because I meant what I said, if I can't be a cop, I don't know what to be. The only thing that's kept me going since I lost my kids was getting even with Taron and now..." She paused. "I don't know what to live for."

"For yourself," Kathryn replied. "Just because you can't be a cop, doesn't mean you can't do something else equally as fulfilling."

"Like what? I have a criminal record, Kathryn. The only place I'll get work is in bars or clubs or other places where ex-cons hang out."

"You'd be surprised how many people believe in giving someone a second chance. Having a record does limit your options, there's no denying that, but there are still options. If you love criminology, why not enroll on a degree program that will qualify you to teach it?"

"It would be a waste of time. No college in the Federation would give me a teaching post."

"How do you know if you don't try? There's no law against someone with a record working at an adult college. Your dual experience of having been a cop and a convict could even work to your advantage in applying for posts. I know it would make you stand out in my eyes."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Then I suppose I can consider it," Cayla said thoughtfully. "I do have a degree in criminology. I did it part time through a London college while I was in the force. That way I could go to day classes at night. To teach fundamental criminology I'd only need a masters." She paused. "I had a first class honors. Vic said it was down to me, that I had a real gift for it, but I think it was down to him. He helped me a lot as he has a Ph.D in criminal studies."

"Of course it was down to you," Kathryn told her. "A person can have the best coach in the world, but if the intelligence and dedication aren't there then they'll fail. You got that degree, Cayla, and you should be very proud of yourself. It can't have been easy studying and working full-time."

"It wasn't. But Vic was very supportive and I loved to learn." She paused. "Vic was always supportive, always believed in me. I'm so sorry I let him down."

"The only way you let him down was by shutting him out when you got fixed-up. It wasn't your fault what happened. You were just doing your job."

"But how could I let him stay with me? He was a cop, a kick-ass cop, and I was going to jail. How would that look for him? Terrible, that's what. It would have ruined everything he'd worked so hard for. Our colleagues would have hated him for being with a leak and his life would have been made hell. I couldn't let that happen. He said he'd leave the force, that I was more important, but I didn't want him to do that either. So I ended things. I didn't think there was anything else I could do. And even though fifteen years have passed, things aren't so different now. Memories are long in the force. If we got back together, it would be the end of his career."

"So you think. You don't know that. Chakotay was afraid that making public our relationship would damage my career because of his Maquis past, but it didn't. My promotion to the Admiralty is still on the cards. And even if our relationship had put paid to any chance of promotion, I wouldn't have ended it. Chakotay is the most important person in my life and I'd sacrifice my career over him any time. And I know he would do the same for me. So why should Vic be any different? Don't you think he'd rather have you than a promotion?"

"I don't know."

"Then find out. Go and talk to him."

Tears filled Cayla's eyes. "Will you fix my hair? He always said he loved it long and...and I'd like to look like the Cayla he remembers."

Kathryn smiled warmly. "It would be my pleasure. Fixing our hair happens to be a speciality of mine."

With long auburn hair flowing over a smart yellow dress, Cayla nervously walked into the Delta Flyer's aft compartment. So nervous was she that her knees were knocking together and her stomach was somersaulting by the second. But as scared as she was of facing Vic, another part of her longed to, and it was that part that gave her the strength to do it. Vic was alone in the compartment, the Doctor having been deliberately called away by Kathryn, and was sitting up on the biobed when she entered. For a long moment they both just looked at each other, both with their own thoughts and emotions, but then Cayla spoke.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," he replied.

"I just...I wanted to say thank you for rescuing me. But you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have risked your life for mine. And I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry for what they did to you."

"Then don't be," Vic said kindly. "I'm glad I was the one who got tortured and not you. And I wish it had all been me. I wish I had been the one to catch Ranto and go to jail for it. You didn't deserve it, any of it, and I'm so sorry you got involved."

"It's not your fault," Cayla replied. "How could you know how things would turn out? And you warned me. You told me to be more careful, to not think of myself as invincible, but I didn't listen and I got vanquished. You're not responsible for what happened to me."

"I thought that was why you shut me out...because you blamed me."

"Never. I shut you out because...because I didn't feel worthy of you. I'd never felt worthy of you. But the higher I moved up the force, the more I felt I deserved you."

"I didn't love Cayla the cop," Vic said. "I loved Cayla the woman."

Tears welled in Cayla's eyes and she lowered them.

"You were best thing that ever happened to me," Vic continued. "It broke my heart when you left."

"I'm sorry," Cayla whispered. "I wanted to stay. You don't know how much I did. But I wanted to do right by you."

"Then you should have let me be there for you. That's all I wanted, to be there."

Unable to contain the tears, Cayla turned her face away and wept softly. Vic watched her with tears in his own, every sob knifing his heart.

"I've missed you so much," he said. "All these years I've missed you. Because no one compares to you, Cayla. No one ever could."

Cayla turned back to him now. "I've missed you too. Every day."

"Then let's not miss each other any more," he said. "Let's give things another go. Because we can make it, Cayla, I know we can."

"I'd like to believe that, I really would. But do you really think we can go back to how things were?"

"No. I don't think we can ever go back. But we can go forward. We can have something new, but just as special. More special, even, because of all we've been through. All we need is a chance and we have that chance now. I'll give up the force and become a lecturer. I've wanted to for a long time as my heart just isn't in it anymore. We can start a brand new life somewhere completely new."

Fifteen years ago he had said those very same words 'We can start a brand new life somewhere completely new' and fifteen years ago she had turned him down. But she wouldn't now. If there was a chance for them, a real chance for them to make it, then she would walk through fire rather than let it go.

"Then let's do it," she said. "Let's give us another chance."

Joy, immeasurable joy, filled Vic's eyes and he slowly extended his hand to her. Tearfully, Cayla took his hand in hers and clasped it tight.

END OF CHAPTER 46