Author's Note: Hmm... I'm here with an update, yet a short one and a bit late... Sorry for that, but... my computer finally decided to crash completely. Now I can only write on my father's so... Yeah. I thought it was better that short update than none... Hope you'll agree with me on that.

Also, I must inform that I've started co-operation with the kind Midnight-Kitsune11 as my beta. Thanks for your help!

Anathema – Fragile Dreams

"Today I introduced myself,
To my own feelings,
In silent ceremony, after all these years,
They spoke to me... after all these years."

I've already said I underestimated him, haven't I? Well... It was of enormous proportions. I've underestimated myself in a way too. His and my reactions were completely out of control when we clashed now. As I was always the one to foresee all the probabilities and act accordingly to the most feasible scenario – lack of that skill left me gasping for air like a water-deprived fish. It was a slow and painful death with my mind successively losing focus and lucidity. I was muddle-headed and the grasp of reality was slipping from my weary and numb fingers.

I was speaking, throwing insults here and there, but they were all void of what I could have only called 'the essence of me' – the truth and conviction behind my sarcastic, hurtful words. Maybe they have got sense for the one hearing them, though for me it was only a meaningless flow of speech. It didn't matter... any of it. I've simply had enough of not being able to understand... him, the situation and most importantly – myself, as it was sorely frightening.

Again – what now?

The still working part of my brain made me perceive two possibilities.

One – to run blindly in whatever direction, praying for the chance to forget, yet with little or rather no faith for it to work.

Second – to walk straight into the beast's muzzle – letting those unknown (maybe simply forgotten?) emotions swallow me and see if, in the end, it will give me the longed-for peace.

And maybe it was all right to choose the second option? When all of the attacks, no matter their form, and dodges left me only more lost. If you are already defeated, why dig a deeper grave? To stop running away, to let it all just... happen – wouldn't it be a relief?

And somehow... it did. The moment I decided, it was like a heavy weight taken from my shoulders because now... I didn't have to keep my guard up one hundred percent when that man surprisingly read my emotions or when he happened to find what I desired even before me.

He managed to free the insecurities once and for all and it ended with me attacking him furiously, without logic and it could be that moment – when I've vented the trapped, stifled feelings – that left me without reasons to fight. I stayed, holding to him as if he was a life buoy instead and... it didn't kill me. He didn't kill me. He didn't even punch me in return... He forgot about his anger so easily that it all seemed dream-like. Talking with me as if nothing has happened, as if we weren't mortal enemies. Asking questions and getting answers, no matter if to his liking or not but still not making me 'pay' as he threatened not so long ago.

The conversation that ensued was nothing but silly, and even after Namie who suddenly showed herself and left as fast, even after I left Shizu-chan's arms, it continued. Only more silly and more relaxed and if it weren't for the fact I was so tired, it would be more than amusing. What was the most surprising – it felt so... normal, so... surreal. I could only observe in internal awe at how we interacted – a chat, which despite some sarcastic comments on my behalf, didn't end in a physical struggle. I was given the chance to watch Shizu-chan getting all embarrassed and shy again instead.

Could you imagine a more ridiculous thing than two people who ought to be rivals sharing opinions on something as primary, yet private as sex? How did that happen? Well... it was partially, or even more than partially, my doing, wasn't it? It was just... such a great distraction, seeing him like that. So refreshing... He was such a prude that it made me laugh despite my poor mental state. His opinion was so fixed on most of things, even if there was nothing to base it on. It should be stupid, yet for an unknown reason it was... strangely... endearing.

Ach! I can't believe I thought that! It pleaded for a face-palm, however, I was more focused on what I was being told. Was that the outcome of my earlier decision? To let it all happen? Was I ready to accept it? It didn't matter that it was only in my head... The gravity of it was still great.

And then the strangest thing happened...

"Shut up, Izaya!"

Since when has he called me by my name?

We looked at each other, he mortified and I stunned. Maybe you'll think that it was nothing to get startled from. He called me by my name. So what? However, if you were always referred to as 'the flea', 'the louse', 'pest' and 'bastard' then you could have changed your mind. The only time he used my real name was in a beastly growl just like today's one. Now, there was that 'shut up', yet my name following it was told without an honorific and not with a murderous tone. That's where my astonishment came from.

Now there was this silence, that didn't stand well with us in my opinion. It was too tense, meaningful. It brought back memories of Shizu-chan's 'apartment incident' as I called it in my head. It was distressing and according to my latest observations, I didn't do 'distressing' well. Quite the contrary... Hence, my need to speak.

"I'm flattered, Shizu-chan. After all these years you honour me with the one word I craved to hear from your mouth the most... Was it a planned diversion from the embarrassing topic? Or is it something entirely else... Shi-zu-o...?" I elongated the pronunciation of his name especially.

It felt as if I was contradicting myself by doing this. One moment ready to take the reality as it is and the next hiding my head in the sand. Was I schizophrenic? Was it some kind of personality disorder? I thought it would be better than those being my genuine, yet unordered feelings. Feelings... I've started to use that word more often in reference to myself, haven't I? There was less logic and more... feelings with almost every passing day and one cause for it all. The one standing right before me. The one I referred to as a monster but somehow ended up treating more like a human than necessary. The one who has awoken reactions and emotions I deemed purely human – not Orihara Izaya's. When all this time I refused to admit that I was able to experience them... And he achieved it without even making it his mission. It was just a side-effect, a fortuity of events and words said without thinking. A fucking miracle. He became a barricade I couldn't pass round nor dig under – my usual strategies. It was also impossible to force down – I tried to no avail. I was left to climb if I wanted to pass through to where the road continued because it wasn't an option - to run back with a turned tail. I rejected it with a firm resolution and it was to stay that way. I couldn't become more of a coward than I've already become during this whole... misunderstanding. I wasn't going to fall so low...

"Don't call me that!" he shouted. Of course it wasn't something he could accept. He would be pleased with 'brute'- for all the negative connotations it held, it was still less provocative and challenging than his real name, just like mine...

"What? Isn't the great Heiwajima Shizuo a man of fair principles? You are allowed to use my name yet you deny me the right to call you by yours? I would reconsider it on your place... It may anger me and who knows what I am capable of right now?"

"I would have to be afraid of you first!"

What a petty determination he had. To stay on top, even if he had to balance there like a crazy man not to fall off, no matter how idiotic he looked while doing it.

"And you're not? Fear has many faces, won't you agree, Shizuo? It's not only about fists and kicks. It's not only about the physical pain, ne~? You know it very well... remembering the not so distant events. I won't believe it was only disgust and anger that told you to stay far away from me. You weren't reluctant either. I can bet it was fear that held you back. That one time at Shinra's and in your apartment. You were simply afraid to attack me for some reason. So don't you tell me I do not scare you when I evidently do. It's always there, under your skin. Sometimes put into sleep or creeping shyly into your mind, manifesting itself as doubt and anxiety, other times in it's full force, paralyzing your thoughts and even body. I'm not blind. I'm also not deaf. I can see it in the way your body tenses when I come too near, in your quickened breath, widened irises... It's pure and obvious. Only its causes may be different... You're fucking afraid. Admit it!" I threw it at him like a challenge. I wanted to see him confirming it because I refused to be alone on this island of humiliation...

"Even if it's true, why should I give you the satisfaction of hearing it? It's not like you can give me something in return..." he replied swiftly this time, his eyes seeming more attentive after my little monologue.

"Don't you know who you're talking to? I'm Orihara Izaya. I can give you most of the things you can probably desire; Information, money and other material goods, contacts... You name it." I smiled widely. "Just one sentence spoken aloud and it will be yours..."

Silence. Again. It wasn't long though. He looked at me with furrowed brows and lips tightened to a thin line. It wasn't irritation... nor anger. What... Then a low chuckle left his mouth.

"You said it, but you still didn't mean it... You know what, though? I did. I really did... So I'll stop with that stupid running... You can have it for free... I was afraid. Those two times you've mentioned, when I came here for a moment and also many more. I was fucking afraid. You're not right completely, however... I'm not anymore... I stopped the moment you offered me all that useless shit... Because in reality, you're nothing more than that... Information, money and contacts. You yourself? A vacant idle mannequin. You're more afraid of yourself than I could have ever been of you... And I'm the moronic brute, ain't I? Guess where that places you..." he said slowly, in a low, grave voice and turned to leave.

Just like that, he turned his back at me. After saying all that he intended to just leave? I could feel anger boiling inside of me once again. I wasn't going to let him free... Not now. Not when his words stung more than anything else he directed at me before. Oh, I wasn't vacant. I showed him more than once that I wasn't, so how could he accuse me of it? When I was a fucking volcano ready to burst? And he was going to experience it. He was going to see with those blinded eyes of his just how fucking overflowing with feelings and emotions I was! I was going to make him understand once and for all!

And so I threw myself at him, spinning him around and pinning to the door he managed to reach. Chests flush against each other, one of my legs between his, my arm against his throat preventing him from sudden movements. My fiery eyes boring into his with determination that not long ago I laughed at.

"You don't know how fucking wrong you are, Shizuo..." I whispered shortly, before I crushed my lips with his.

A repeat of the inconceivable. Rage. Insanity. Pure madness.

I couldn't stop myself...

I tasted disorientation, confusion, shock.

His neck against my hand, his hair in my grasp, his clothed torso so close to mine, his thighs brushing against mine – warm. No! Hot... Heat in all of the places where we're touching. Or maybe... where I was touching him? It didn't matter... It was still there. For me to bathe in.

And there were his lips. Even hotter. Hot and the slightest bit dry. Meshed with mine. First unyielding, but then, gradually, more pliant.

Then it was my turn to be shocked when he started to reply, more eager with every following touch. His mouth opened slowly and the kisses instantly turned more intimate, with tongues trying to find their place in that oh so unexpected encounter.

Even in my hazed state I could sense how cautious his every touch was, despite the seemingly eager reaction. It was of no concern to me though. There were still my teeth on his bottom lip with my tongue quickly soothing the teasing bite. It was still his tongue shyly yet determinedly learning the contours of my lips and teeth. It was still the inside of his mouth when he let me in to taste it. And there was also a stifled moan that left somebody's throat. Whose? I didn't even want to guess... It didn't matter. It just didn't...

And then there were audible breaths when we parted, misty eyes that weren't ready to confront with the other pair centimetres apart. Aside from that? Silence... It started to gain a certain meaning...