For a second his focus was clear enough that he saw eyes and a blue mask. But before his mind could even put a name to the familiar sight, his vision blurred and he couldn't think.
Pain. That's all he knew. Pain, like a spike being driven into his gut and spreading outward. A wail started in his stomach, became a groan before it reached his throat, and in the end when he opened his mouth all that came out was a strangled whimper.
Jesus. Fucking Jesus he hurt. His hands tried to rise, to cover the spot, to make whoever was stabbing him stop, but his body wouldn't obey his commands. His arms felt weighed down, his legs might've been glued to whatever he was laying on.
He heard the whimper, and what little part of his mind still functioned ordered his mouth silent. No cries. No weakness. Whoever had him, whoever was doing this, he wouldn't give them the satisfaction.
Something brushed his face and his eyes, which had closed without his permission, flew open. An unclear shape moved over him, close.
His head twitched away from the touch.
"Raph. Hey. Relax."
Leo, his mind supplied, finding a touch of coherence. He blinked and squinted, trying to clear his vision. Why the hell was Leo standing there driving burning pokers into his gut? Seemed rude.
"Don's coming, Raph. Hang on. Take it easy."
Easy. Right. He growled and squeezed his eyes shut. Might've begged Leo to stop the pain but he didn't trust himself to talk.
Movement, sounds, voices dim in the background, and then Raph felt another touch on his face. He grimaced and tried to back away. Touching hurt. Everything fucking hurt.
"Raph? Can you open your eyes?"
He wanted to punch the blur that asked that ridiculous question. If he could've opened his eyes he would have.
But he tensed, and he tried.
Green blur. Light eyes. Don.
Don was looking at him hard, but his voice was bright and cheerful. "I bet you're in some pain right now, huh?"
Raph's brow furrowed. He swallowed. "Don…" His voice was a rasp.
Don leaned in.
Raph swallowed again, trying to ease the words out. They came out thick and mumbled, but clear enough. "Gon' kick y'r ass when I c'n move."
Don straightened, laughing. "Good to hear that. I need you to drink some water, okay?"
Raph shook his head.
"No?"
His eyes slid shut again, heavy. "St'm'ch hurts."
"I know, Raph." A firmer touch on his forehead.
Raph didn't pull away this time. It was grounding and almost comforting.
"You think you can manage it if I bring you some pain pills to wash down? April and Casey managed to get us some. Nice and strong."
He nodded before he even registered the words. Pain pills. Good things. He hated being medicated normally, but Christ.
"Okay. Leo's gonna help you lift your head a little. Just swallow when I tell you, okay?"
Raph growled. Pain pills. The rest of it could go rot, he wanted something to make this stop.
Hands curved behind his neck, and his head was lifted. It didn't seem to make the pain worse, so Raph stood it. He realized things had gone dark again, and pried his eyes open.
It was humiliating. He dribbled water down his chin, he gagged on the pills before managing to get them down. And he wanted to scream at Don for being a liar, because the moment he swallowed his pain wasn't instantly better.
Instead he just shut his eyes and didn't watch as one of his brothers wiped his chin.
His thoughts wouldn't get any clearer, and his gut wouldn't stop burning. He opened his eyes at one point, saw green and blue.
"Leo?"
The blur leaned in until Raph could see his brother's eyes. "Just give it a few minutes, Raph. You'll feel better."
Raph's eyes shut, and it was harder to open them. "W'happen?"
Weight on his face - a touch, firm, gentle. Leo sounded closer when he answered. "I'll tell you later. Sleep if you can. You should feel better when you wake up."
It was the first order Leo ever gave that he was happy to obey without an argument.
Things came and went. Faces blurred, voices slurred.
He saw Mike, looking too serious but at least he was alright. He saw Splinter, normally when he came into his mind long enough to taste warm honeyed tea or water. Don woke him now and then, asked him questions that he heard himself answer though he wasn't sure how he could've made any sense.
And Leo. Always, Leo was there, right by him. Looking at him, silent or smiling or talking.
He drank what they gave him, swallowed pills, and everything ran together. It was like a spinning, dizzy, never-ending dream.
Until he opened his eyes and found his thoughts were a little clearer than normal, and he saw Don there offering water, pills in his hands.
Raph wasn't stupid, even when he was drugged to the gills. He knew it was those pills making everything spin.
He swallowed the water, held the pills under his tongue, and when Don left he lay, still and quiet, until Leo's eyes drooped in sleep.
The pills were soggy, bitter lumps in his mouth, but he pushed them out with his tongue, spit them clumsily to the side and hopefully off the bed.
He slept.
When his eyes opened his gut was burning a little but his mind was sharp. He blinked to clear his vision, and Leo was clear and sharp beside him.
He was also awake again, staring out across the room. Raph was pretty sure he'd been sitting right there for….hell. Hours. Days. However long he'd been swimming on that bed.
Raph looked down at himself, at the layers of covers weighing his body down. It was a relief that the heaviness wasn't entirely in his mind, but he was uncomfortably warm.
His eyes moved back to Leo. His mouth was dry but he rasped loud enough to be heard. "Hey."
Leo's eyes swung to him instantly, and a smile stretched over his face. "Hey. How're you feeling?"
"Hot."
Leo leaned in, not missing a beat, and tugged the top cover off. "You in pain yet?"
Raph blinked.
Leo nodded at the bed. "You were sleeping in your medicine. I had to pry the pills off your cheek." He grinned.
"Didn't tell Don?"
"No. But ask him to lower the dose, okay? Don't just stop taking them."
Raph didn't answer. His gut hurt, but it was just a burning kind of pain. He'd dealt with worse. "What happened? Everybody okay?"
"Everyone's fine." Leo leaned in, and his hand dropped to lay over Raph's.
Raph nearly twitched his hand away - he wasn't good with that whole physical contact thing. But he didn't want to invite more pain. And there was something kinda comforting about it. Familiar or something.
"So?"
"So." Leo studied him. "So we were fighting some Dragons and one of them pulled a gun."
Gun? Figured. Those creeps never could play fair.
Raph looked down at himself, at the covers. The burning stomach, the pain pills. "You mean I…?"
Leo nodded.
"Whoa."
"Yeah." His smile faded. "It was…actually, it was pretty frightening for a while there."
Maybe it was the pills talking, but Raph didn't feel frightened. He felt kind of impressed.
Leo leaned in, fingers pushing under Raph's hand, holding on to it tightly. "You don't remember anything?"
Raph shook his head, twitching to keep from pulling away.
"The guy was shooting at me, Raph."
Raph laughed, a little wheezy. "Shoulda learned to aim better."
"You jumped. You saved my life."
Oh.
Explained the hand-holding and the fact that Leo was growing roots by the bed. Raph grinned weakly and let his fingers tighten a little on Leo's hand. "Don't sweat it."
"Don't sweat it?" Leo stared at him, incredulous. "Raph, you almost died. We had to drag you down here, and Don had to…" He shook his head.
Raph's grin faded. "S'okay, Leo. You'd've done it for me."
"That's not the point."
"What is the point?" Raph shifted a little, wincing at a new degree of fire in his gut. Stupid pills were wearing off.
"You nearly died, Raph." Leo shook his head, and his other hand came around to wrap around their two joined hands. "It doesn't matter who you jumped in front of or why, you almost died."
A faint, dark kind of amusement made Raph's mouth curve up. "Better me than you."
"Stop that!" Leo pulled back, his hands breaking from Raph's. His eyes were wide. "Don't you start that again."
"Again?"
"You're not expendable, Raph. I don't know what ever made you think…" He shook his head, his eyes bright. "Don't even think like that again."
Raph smirked. His gut was starting to burn enough to make him tense, but his eyes stayed on Leo. "Why not?"
Leo gaped at him.
It was easy to return the look with a challenge in his eyes. This was Leo, after all, and it was reflex to look at him with a dare in his eyes.
Leo surprised him, though. He leaned in and his hand found Raph's again, and he spoke soft and serious. "Because we need you."
Raph wanted to snort, but he couldn't. There was something in Leo's gaze, something intense and burning. Earnest, as Leo always was, but fierce.
He meant it.
Raph swallowed to coat a dry throat. He turned his eyes away from that look.
Leo's voice lowered. "I don't know what you've been thinking to yourself lately, but we need you, Raph. I need you."
Something in that made him tense. Something long-buried and long-resented stirred, and Raph shoved it away with as fierce an anger as he could manage. "I'm sure Don or Mike would be willing to argue with you if I wasn't--"
"You love me."
Raph blinked. His eyes went back to Leo, and he stared. For a moment the growing throb from his gut was the only thing in him that seemed able to move. "I what now?"
Leo, incredibly, smiled. His eyes were still intense, but he actually sat there and smiled at Raph. "You love me."
Raph didn't insult either of them by acting like Leo meant something innocent, like brotherly love. Leo spoke too certainly.
Something had happened.
Raph felt his breathing thin, and he wasn't sure it was all because of the hole in his gut. "What did Don tell you?"
Leo shook his head. "You told me, Raph."
"What?" He jerked at his hand.
Leo didn't let it go.
The burn in his stomach was getting worse and worse. He blinked blurring eyes. "Hell I did."
"It's okay, Raph."
"Fuck you." He jerked at his hand again.
Leo let him go. He sat back, frowning. "Calm down. You're going to hurt yourself."
"Fucking Don. He said something, didn't he?" A slur was sliding into Raph's voice. "Gave you that stupid sour grapes speech, didn't he?"
"Raph, relax."
"You relax. I'm…shit." His eyes shut and he breathed raggedly. His hand shifted to awkwardly lay over his stomach. Fire burned hotter with every breath. Ow. Damn it.
"Don!" Leo stood up.
Raph's hand came out, brushing his arm. "Stop. No pills."
"Raph, look at you."
"No. No pills." He tried to steady his breathing. He could handle pain. He couldn't handle floating on clouds, unable to put two thoughts together.
Leo sat back down slowly. "You've got to calm down at least. You're going to hurt yourself."
"Don was lying." Raph pried his eyes open. "He was wrong."
"Okay." Leo spoke too slowly. Disbelieving.
Raph ground his teeth, fighting past a wave of clenching pain fron his stomach.
Leo leaned in, and a cool hand smoothed over Raph's face. Like a sudden breeze in a desert, and Raph leaned into it.
"It's okay. It's okay." Leo spoke quietly.
Raph looked up at him. "Don't…don't say it again."
"What?" Leo studied him, then his brow smoothed. "Don't say you love me?"
Raph grimaced.
"Okay." Leo swallowed. "If that's what you want."
Raph would have laughed any other time. Like it had ever mattered once in his life what he wanted.
Fuck, his stomach hurt.
But he could handle it. He could handle any damned thing in the world. Bullet, pain, whatever.
Just not…
He swallowed, getting that hazy, distant fog in his mind.
Leo's hand smoothed down his cheek, slow and gentle and cool. Grounding. Not enough to keep him awake, but enough to let his eyes open and focus a last time.
Leo was watching him, eyes sad and serious. "I'm sorry," he said, voice low. "I didn't realize how…"
"Don't." Raph shut his eyes again, willing sleep to come so he wouldn't have to hurt. His mind wouldn't let him let go of the words, though. Insistent, conditioned to deny. "Don't love you."
Leo nodded. "I hear you, Raph."
Raph felt darkness swimming over him. But before he was out entirely he heard a murmur, so distant it might have been real or it might have been his mind. Either way, it sounded like Leo.
"But I can always tell when you're lying."