Author's Note: Hello. Here is another update and sorry for the wait. Thanks everyone for the lovely replies that put a smile on my face :).
Now, don't be mad, but this is another chapter from Izaya's perspective. I needed a small closure of kinds... So, bare with me, I promise that in the next there will be Shizuo's POV.
Nice reading. :D Ah, yeah... A bit of a fluff warning ;D
Damien Rice - Volcano
"What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me"
"I'm not vacant." I mumbled, unable to escape his prying gaze. How he managed to recover so quickly and pin me to the spot with his eyes was above me to comprehend. What's more interesting, it was only those intense orbs that prevented me from running away from my own house – just to escape his presence. It frightened me how conscious of him I've become; of that steady figure looming over my body, of those big hands that, instead of holding to those damned crutches, held my back trembling in anger, confusion and indefinable need not so long ago, of the still slightly quickened breath ghosting over my neck and most importantly that look he was giving me.
I was never the one to believe in the common talk of how one's eyes were windows to one's soul. I was never the one who focused only on eyes when trying to read a person... I considered it unprofessional. While I couldn't have argued that they conveyed emotions on a high level, there were so many things to observe that gave you a more thorough image – hands' movements, the position of legs, the possible stiffness in shoulders and neck, facial muscles around lips and forehead, uncontrolled twitches, perspiration, goosebumps, blush, tone of voice and usage of certain words, attire... All that and I could tell you the state of a person's mind with details – there was always something that gave a human's real feelings away. You just had to look the right way. But now... With Shizuo? There was no need for that. He wasn't trying to hide anything. It was all visible in those honey-gold orbs – open and honest. Warm... How could I possibly avert them?
It was the first time someone has looked at me like that. Happy for me. Not because of me. Maybe it sounds wrong but it was the truth. He wasn't happy because he was given something that he wanted – like all of the people that came to me. It wasn't satisfaction from achieving his goal thanks to me. He was happy for me. It was genuine, selfless and very real. And that made me speechless...
"Izaya..." he said but I shook my head. Just a moment. I needed a moment longer in that silence.
He nodded in understanding and for some strange reason those strong hands found their way to my back again while his chin rested on one of my shoulders. It was... comforting and even if me admitting it was another brick crumbling from the wall I've built, I wasn't going to shove him away. Not this time. For once I could ignore whispers of my troubled, chary mind and enjoy the warmth. Without the previous aggression and desperation. Just the soothing warmth...
"I'm not vacant..." I repeated, words muffled by my lips against his neck. I wanted him to believe me. I needed him to believe me. I needed a confirmation of what I saw. To be sure that his gaze wasn't my imagination. To know I was here and not only my bones and blood.
"I know."
"I am not!" I said more firmly.
"I know. I believe you."
"I..."
"Izaya... Izaya! Listen to me." he said and took my head into his palms, raising it to look into my eyes again. "I know. I believe you." he assured me confidently. And I believed him too...
Why was he so certain, so adamant? Why was he so gentle? It was killing me more than any wounds that I've experienced. One moment he was ready to leave, disappointed, and now I was buried in his arms, embraced. I believed him, yet it was so hard to believe in it...
I clutched at his shirt wildly, trying to compose, to fight the oncoming trembles, the panic that threatened to seize me. God... It was him. And me. And... Impossible... No! God! Why did it have to feel so right when it should repulse me? Why did it feel so safe when it ought to put my nerves on end? Though... It did. It fucking did, only not in the way it supposed to... I bit my lip, but momentarily stopped – it being too sensitive, too remindful.
"You're the enemy..." I said stiffly.
"As are you... Or maybe were? That's what we chose to be a long time ago but it's not written in stone... It's our decision. Mine and yours. No-one else's. I am tired of the past. Aren't you? You can't deny that something shifted lately... I told you I won't run anymore. I will admit it no matter how much you hate it and no matter how strange and out of place I think it should feel..." he stated and my head spun. What was he trying to say?
"What?"
"That I don't hate you anymore."
"Shiz-"
"No. Don't go denying it or trying to show how illogical and impossible it should be. I don't care. Those are my feelings and that's that. I'm sick of all the running, playing dumb and blind. It was there for some time now, I was only too wary to acknowledge it; focused on what I used to feel, used to do. I reacted like a trained dog to your provocations because it was the easier way, no need to think then. An outlet. And I'm not saying that suddenly I see you in pink colours. It's not like that... You didn't change to that degree after all. I still consider you too talkative, irritating, sly and probably cruel. All in all, however, I don't think you're as cold and heartless as you wanted everyone to see you... Besides, you look cute when you blush... One can't be heartless when he can look like that..." he declared and my eyes snapped open widely. I clenched my teeth and smacked the back of his head.
"I am not cute! And I am not blushing!" I smacked him again, for emphasis.
"So what's that colour on your ears?" he asked, stifling laughter.
"You're just so stupidly hot that now I'm hot too, bastard! Besides, you were the one blushing furiously before!" I said defensively.
"That's something entirely else. And I at least had a good reason to blush like that..."
"Tch! What could that be?"
"You and your... idiotic perverted talk. And ideas." He added after a second or two.
"So you are ridiculously flustered when it's sex talk... My god, you're really hopeless..." I snickered and finally raised my head to look at him. "If you're so flustered by the talk, how did you manage to kiss me now? Now that's a miracle..."
"You were the one who kissed me!" he exclaimed. Fuck! Ah, yeah... Couldn't deny that. Not a problem, though.
"Maybe, but I wasn't the only one kissing, now was I? You stuck your tongue into my mouth all by yourself. It's not like I dragged it inside..." I countered.
"Shut up!" he said lamely, reddening suddenly.
"Who's blushing now? Loser." I said, erupting in laugh.
And when I started laughing, I couldn't stop. It was really hilarious... His current reaction, our talk. The whole situation was hilarious. Nothing made sense. Nothing at all... So how could I not laugh? How could we talk like that when half an hour ago we were still enemies and a couple of minutes ago we shared a kiss? Yeah, because this time it was both parties co-operating... I laughed my lungs out and gasped for breath, bent over and clinging to Shizuo as not to fall to the ground. Finally, my laughing fit ended and slowly I looked at Shizuo through eyes filled with tears. I didn't even notice that I started to cry...
He smiled at me slowly and the shadow of his face was getting closer to mine, darkening my vision. And then his lips were on my face, drinking the tears that my laughter left there. My breath hitched slightly in my throat. Now that was familiar, wasn't it?
"I'm sorry... I'm just glad that their not the same as mine... It was... an impulse." He explained, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. Suddenly, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. He was too close... My mind was too... Ech... feverish... It really wasn't a good moment for that...
"Yeah, I'm glad as well..." I replied and took a step back from him. Then a second one. "I... I'm sorry... I just have to... I have to regain my breath. It's too much for one time... I don't even know what that is... What to think... I can't think at all..." I answered truthfully for once.
He observed me intently for a moment and then nodded his head.
"Okay. Yeah... You're right. Just... think about that before you decide to provoke me next time, okay?" He pleaded. Somehow, it gained a second meaning in my weary head. What? Now I'll see innuendos in everything he says? Great... He talked about being civil. Civil. Not... overly civil. He didn't mean the kiss... Christ... Was I frustrated or something? It was just Shizuo! The brute!
"Y-yeah... Umm... So... You should probably..." I didn't end in hope he will catch the not so subtle hint.
"Yeah... I probably should... Can you... hand me the crutches? I dropped them when..." he replied, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.
"Okay." I said shortly and gathered them from the ground to hand them to Shizuo slowly.
He moved to let me open the door for him and the clatter of falling crutches echoed in the room. As well as his curse.
"Fuck!"
Huh, go figure... Ironic, isn't it? He had to use that one...
"What's the matter?" I asked cautiously?
Why? Oh why couldn't he just leave and let me think in peace about everything? I watched him and there was no way I could have missed the way he was clutching at his injured leg. Not good... Not good at all... He needed to walk out of my door. He kind of needed to take the leg with him, though, didn't he? Fucking great... I bet it wasn't going away soon, whatever was wrong with it... Huh... I even started to think in Shizuo-like manner, I was sure. With all the 'fucks' and simple sentences... I cringed inwardly. I wasn't one to stay in a mushy mood it seemed...
"My leg... hurts... like fucking hell..." he staggered.
"Well... I can see that, obviously. And hear... You really don't learn do you? One day you're going to regret using that kind of words so freely, I assure you..." I said sourly.
"I can't help it! I can break your leg and you'll see for yourself how fun it can be..." he proposed grimly, his eyes squinted.
Look how fast we were going back to the old routine... Not that I was especially surprised by that. Old habits die hard. With that one I had to agree...
"Very funny... I prefer to stay in one piece, thank you. Now... How does it hurt exactly? And where? The bone, muscles? Sharp pain, pulsing pain? Is it constant? Do you feel any numbness, stiffness?" I asked question after question. The faster I knew, the faster we could do something about it...
"What are you, a doctor? What's the difference if you know exactly what kind of pain is it? Pain is pain. It fucking hurts..." he said irritably.
"And what are you? Five? I'm not a doctor, but I have the basic knowledge of human body and first aid... And with the frequency of you being injured, it would do you good to learn about it as well... Besides, I thought you don't feel pain... You were hit by a truck and didn't whine about being in pain and now it hurts? It didn't hurt when you had to climb all of the stairs to get here and now it hurts? Why is that? I didn't kick you, did I?" I asked, irritated myself by him treating me like that. Him and his total lack of manners... idiot!
"N-no... But I kind of... I might have stood on that leg for a moment... or two... after I've dropped the crutches." he replied somewhat reluctantly.
"What the heck did you do that for? You should put your weight on the good one, for..." I bit my tongue. I wasn't going to use 'fuck' after reprimanding him...
"Oh, now you're the wise one! Then you shouldn't have pushed me to the door like that in the first place! That was some impact for sure! And besides, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly then! As if I could when kissing like that! Idiot!" he accused me, huffed and my irritation left me. I started snickering. Again.
"What?" he demanded an answer to my sudden good humour.
"Well... Did you hear yourself? You just said that my kiss made you forget about your own injury and left you with a blank mind, am I right? Now that's a compliment I wasn't even looking for, but thank you none the less... I can only be flattered..." I smiled widely, mockingly.
"It's not what I-" he started, but groaned in pain. I could see drops of sweat forming slowly on his forehead. He really was in pain, huh?
"Right, right... You didn't mean it like that. Doesn't matter. Come on, I'll help you to the sofa and then we can decide what to do." I told him and draped his arm around my shoulders. We started the arduous walk into the direction of the said item of furniture.
"You know, it would be easier if you were shorter. And lighter..." I gasped.
"It's not my fault I'm that tall! And what are you saying? That I'm fat? I'm certainly not! I even lost weight after that damned accident and my clothes are a bit too big now..." he informed me.
"Not your fault? And who drank all that milk? I bet you would have been at least ten centimetres shorter without it and then I wouldn't have problems with dragging you to the sofa..."
"I wasn't drinking it to grow. If that was the case, I would have stopped smoking long time ago..."
"If that's what you think... And by the way, I'm not sure your bartender uniform can be classified as 'clothes'. It's always the same stupid thing... And it was too big on you to begin with..." I added after a moment of consideration.
"What the hell? Take that back!" he stopped suddenly. "It was a present from Kasuka! You won't insult my brother! And it wasn't too big!"
He and his brotherly complex... How could I possibly forget about that?
"I won't take anything back when it's true. It was evidently too loose. Well, the shirts at least... They should have been more fitted to accentuate your body type. What a waste..." I snorted and tried to resume our walk. Shizuo didn't even budge, despite of his hurting leg.
"Fitted? Accentuate? Were you... looking at my body like that? What body type I have to accentuate?" he asked incredulously.
He was surprised? I stopped myself from smacking my head in disbelief.
"You know, being enemies doesn't mean one is blind. We had some close scuffles and it was more than once that I've cut your clothes with my knife... It would be hard not to notice what is hidden underneath, ne~? That's why I say your clothes should be more fitting. I bet even more women would go after you then." I said. "Men probably too..." I couldn't stop myself from adding.
And here goes the blush again... I knew it! It was more fun making it appear than provoking him to beat me at that point...
"Shut up! Move..." he said only and resumed the walk without further words.
After reaching the sofa in silence – for me entertaining and Shizuo awkward – I helped him to sit down cautiously. He hissed but other than that didn't say a word. What... Was he pouting now? It was too much for me to bare with in silence.
"Are you pouting now?" I asked directly.
"What? Of course I'm not!" he exclaimed hotly, the blush still present on his face.
"So why are you silent suddenly?"
"Not your damn business!"
"Oh really? It's my house you're currently in and my sofa you're so comfortably sitting on. Moreover, it was me who helped you get on it... I was kind to you and so when I'm saying it's my business, then my business it is..." I announced confidently. There was no room for arguing. Really...
"I was silent because I didn't feel like talking. There, that's your answer. Happy?" he replied sourly.
"As if I would buy that... Talk."
"No."
"Fine. Then I'm going to confine you in here, without the opportunity to inform anyone of your current place of stay. Do you want to be in my power that much? Without the crutches and a hurting leg you won't go far. Even if you intend to crawl..."
I was nasty, wasn't I? But it was my apartment and my rules... I wasn't going to give him handicap for no reason… Tch! In his dream.
"Bastard!"
"Be my guest then, Shizuo. Should I find a pair of pyjamas for you?" I proposed in a mocking tone again.
"Hell with it! I was embarrassed you idiot! Now you can laugh, happy?" he said with that red face of his.
And I really laughed. I was that bad… But it was impossible not to. If someone else could have seen his face…
"And that's exactly why I didn't say anything! I hate you!"
"Oh… But not long ago you assured me that it's exactly the opposite… Sorry if I won't believe you now. However, I'm sorry for laughing again. But if only… If you could see yourself now…" he glared daggers at me. "Yeah, I'll stop now. But why were you embarrassed about something like that? God, Shizuo… Because I said you have a nice body? Isn't that the truth? And a compliment? You should be happy… But I guess that if it's you…" I suspended the sentence for a moment.
"You were supposed to do something about my leg! You bragging about your knowledge about human body…"
"Theoretically, we were talking about the human body…"
"That conversation is ending right now!" he shouted in false indignation.
"I will call for Shinra…"
"You'd better!"