Author's Note - To all you lovely I-don't-usually-read-slash-BUT reviewers, I want to say thanks. I know how hard it is for me to read something outside my comfort zone, so I really do appreciate that you're giving this a go.

I dunno what else to say. I feel like my saying thanks for the reviews and support is getting monotonous, but there's not many better ways to express it. I'd make you all dinner if I could, or send flowers, or something.

In other words, thanks.

When Raph opened his eyes, Don was sitting in the chair he had started thinking of as Leo's. He blinked, squinting - Don wasn't wearing his eyeband, but of course Raph knew his brothers with or without them.

But his vision was swimming, and when he tried to lift his head he felt oddly heavy.

"Raph?" Don's voice came as if from a distance.

Raph tried to glower in response, but he couldn't really feel his face, so he had no idea what effect the look had. "G'me pills."

Don nodded. "Half the dose. How are you feeling?"

Raph took a second to figure that out. His stomach was on fire - no surprise there. But though there was pain he wasn't really bothered by it. He could think, even if he couldn't talk much or move when he told his body to move.

Better, he thought, but not good enough.

"Fuzzy," he said to Don, slurring his words a little bit more than he would have naturally. "Less next time?"

Don frowned. "None of us want to see you in pain, Raph."

Raph's eyes felt heavy. He shut them, though nothing like sleep came over him. "Don't care about the pain," he said slowly. "Wanna keep it together."

"Unfortunately it's not the pain of your wound I'm talking about."

Raph's eyes opened at that.

Don leaned in close, coming into focus for Raph's tired eyes. "Listen. There's an ugly reality to getting hurt the way you did."

Raph would have laughed if he could have summoned up the energy. Didn't he know that already?

Don spoke solemnly. "The way we are, anatomically. I can't just stick a bedpan under you. Your shell gets in the way, and hurt as you are…" He cleared his throat, obviously trying to stay as professional and neutral as possible. "Our…you know. Our organs don't just hang exposed like humans. There's no real way to make sure you don't…"

Raph shut his eyes. "I get it, Don." Maybe the medicine was a good idea after all.

No. Never a good idea.

Don's hand appeared as warm weight on his arm. "Listen, Raph, I know you're proud, but you should know none of us care if we have to change sheets, or…or I could make some kind of diaper, or…"

Raph's eyes snapped open again.

Don smiled faintly. "Yeah, I figured you'd say that." He sighed. "If I had equipment I'd be able to rig up a catheter or something, but I don't. Things are how they are, and we have to deal with what is." He studied Raph, more brother than medic in that his eyes were unsure, his expression sad. "There are other realities we have to deal with. You're not going to be getting up anytime soon."

Raph frowned. Yes. He would. He'd be getting up before Don realized. He just wasn't about to tell Don that. Let them think he was going to be bedridden for weeks. He'd show them how much they were underestimating him.

Still, if those were the issues for now, he'd have to deal with them. He grimaced, unable to meet Don's eyes. "Must've ruined Leo's bed already."

"No. We put one of the dojo mats over the mattress. Plastic." Don shrugged.

Humiliating. Raph shut his eyes, letting the fact that he was medicated work to his advantage. He felt wide awake, angry, embarrassed. But if Don thought he was more out of it than that maybe he'd be nice enough to leave Raph to his pain.

"Raph. I know you don't like the pills, but if they'll make it easier on you…"

"No."

"If you're just going to endanger yourself by trying to move, I don't have much choice."

Blackmail, then. Raph's face hardened, but he made a conscious attempt to relax. "I'll behave."

Don laughed, soft. "You never behave."

"No pills, Don. Not so many that I…I can't…" He swallowed, throat dry.

Don patted his arm. "It's not like a fever state, Raph. I know you feel out of it, but you won't…"

Raph looked at him again, eyes sharp.

Don shrugged. "Uh. You won't say…"

He swallowed again, and his voice was raspy when he spoke. "What'd you tell him?"

Don leaned over, and came back with a glass of water and a straw. "Here. Drink."

Raph eyed the glass, despite his body calling out for the water.

Don smiled. "It's not dosed."

He drank, the water cool down his throat like balm on a scraped wound. He would've groaned in pleasure if his mouth hadn't been occupied.

"Slow." Don pulled the glass away too soon. At Raph's glare he smiled. "Take a minute. Pills can make you nauseated."

Raph lay back.

Don spoke after a moment. "I didn't say anything to Leo. Nothing specific."

Specific. There it was. Good as a confession.

Raph looked away from him, not even looking back to ask for water. "Shouldn't've said anything at all."

Don sighed. "Raph. You realize…"

"What?"

"You could be happy if you'd let yourself."

"No."

"You very nearly died. Doesn't that make you even consider…"

"No."

Hand on his arm again, stroking back and forth, and Raph didn't have the energy to pull away. "You should give him a chance. You could be happy."

"That's the problem, Don." Raph shut his eyes, head turned away from his brother. "I won't be happy, 'cause that's not who I am. And that's just the damned problem."

"What do you mean?"

"You're the big mouth." Raph swallowed, feeling something warm in his gut that for once had nothing to do with his wound. "Ask Mike."

"Mike?" Don sounded genuinely surprised. "What does Mike…?"

But Raph was done talking. He kept his eyes shut, laying still and quiet.

After a few minutes, Don left.

The idea that Raph thought of him the way he thought of the katana was an interesting one.

Or maybe interesting wasn't the right word. Whatever it was, Leo couldn't get it out of his head. He left Raph to Don's vigil, and he took to the dojo to exercise muscles he hadn't worked since the shooting. And he thought about it the whole time, unable to clear his mind.

He went through katas, smooth, easy, one after the other. His body knew the movements so well he didn't have to find his center - it was automatic. He didn't have to check the sweep of an arm or leg, because he knew it would be perfect.

There was a lot of truth to what Don said. They all knew Raph had campaigned for the katana. When Splinter told them they'd soon be given just one weapon to master, they all found their favorites. The sai weren't on any of their lists, because the small defensive blades had been used now and then but hardly habitually. They were almost like shuriken or dagger, kept on the belt, used only when needed. Mike and Don made their choices, and they ended up with the ones they picked. But with Raph and Leo both going after the katana, Splinter had a choice to make.

When he told them his decision, he spoke of Leo's constant struggle for perfection in form and balance, and how such things were vital to a swordsman. He spoke of Raph's tendency to break form the moment his emotions became too strong, and rightly called that a flaw that could be fatal.

Raph looked at the sai as a consolation prize. For the rest of that day he fumed, he refused to speak to anyone. He would have left the lair if Splinter hadn't strictly refused it. He hit the heavy bag in the dojo, he refused dinner.

Grade A sulking, Leo had called it, exasperated and smug.

But it was only for that day. The next day Raph woke up, walked into the dojo, and picked up the sai. The first lesson he wanted to be taught?

How to disarm a swordsman.

If they were consolation prizes Raph refused to look at them that way after the first day. He soon began taunting, calling the katana oversized steak knives, sparring against Leo every chance he got so he could trap the blades in his small sai. He disarmed Leo an endless number of times before Leo figured out how to predict and compensate.

In a way they were perfectly matched as sparring partners, for more than just the weapons. Raph was a foil for Leo, for his obsession with keeping up form, with making every sweep of sword textbook perfect. Raph cared little for form. He would jump when all reason said he should drop. Leo had to learn to battle an unpredictable foe, and that lesson was one of the ones that served him best now, fighting all elements of criminals in the city.

Raph on the other hand had trouble fighting against Leo because he was so perfect. Because his form was always considered, he never got overbalanced. He never let a fake move or a sweeping blow knock him off balance. None of Leo's strikes ever went wild. And when one move failed, where Raph would've had to wait for a new strategy to hit him, Leo's mind always offered an alternative. Always a next move.

Leo couldn't honestly say if he'd ever appreciated how much Raph had helped him develop. He had never realized how good for each other they truly were. Even out of the dojo: Leo's forcefulness gave Raph what little sense of discipline he had, and Raph's constant challenges drove Leo to be a better leader.

The dojo had a small set of mirrors on one side - a reasonably new, vital acquisition. April had gotten them at Splinter's request a couple of years ago, and being able to watch their form for themselves had been a blessing for the turtles.

Leo in particular liked to fight into the mirror, to watch that his posture and position was like those he saw on Splinter, or on the pages of books Splinter taught from.

As Leo began his weapons katas he watched himself in the mirror, and Don's words came back to him once again.

Beautiful blade, Don called the swords. In essence, called Leo.

Leo admitted to his share of egotism, but he thought he could be forgiven for agreeing with Don. He did have a grace in his movements - grace that was hard won through years of careful training. Not natural, not in their mutated, broad animal bodies. But he was graceful when he moved, when he swept his swords up and slashed them down. When he spun and jabbed sideways, so perfectly level he could have balanced an egg on the blade.

Don was right, too, that Leo had confidence in himself. He knew he was the best leader out of his brothers - he never would have asked for the position if he hadn't known that. He knew he moved the best, fought the best. It was he who defeated the Shredder, on his own.

When it came to the art of ninjitsu, Leo was a level above his brothers. He could see it in the mirror, and their father had told him. He wasn't sure if it was ego that convinced him of it - after all, he could identify points in each of his brothers where they exceeded him. In speed, for Mike, or quick thinking in battle, for Don. Sheer impassioned strength from Raph. They were each brilliant in their own ways.

But Leo, in the elements he considered most important, was better.

Beautiful he wasn't sure about. He did move beautifully - he moved as he should, after all, and nothing was as beautiful as perfection.

Of course he wasn't much like a blade - he was broad and bulky, and of course they had nature to contend with. Shells were really the worst things a true ninja could be saddled with. He could move, perhaps, somewhat like a blade. Quick, sweeping. He could cut in and out, dart and leap and curl.

He knew himself, and what he was capable of. He had to: any good fighter knew their strengths and weaknesses backwards and forwards.

But it had never occurred to him that someone like Raph, someone so opposite in what he held important, could see his slender, graceful positioning as beautiful.

It seemed strange to think his brother capable of that kind of wanting. Raph kept little to himself - secrets he held, yes, but emotions? He broadcasted like a television. He couldn't hide resentment or anger if he'd tried, and he never even wanted to try.

Sour grapes.

He didn't hide his emotions, he simply bullied them into changing. Love to hate, want to contempt. Admiration to scorn.

Leo had met his brother's eyes and heard him say, flat out, that he didn't love Leo. He hadn't believed it for a second, and he wouldn't now. Raph loved him, and maybe it was right and fitting that he should. Like perfect sparring partners, maybe they were perfectly matched in all ways.

How, Leo had been wondering, did one go about seducing someone like Raph? Especially when Raph seemed unwilling?

But he watched himself in the mirror, running through his weapons katas, and he didn't let those thoughts become worries.

He was Leonardo. He was sword, and grace. He was ninja. He was worthy of that love. He would get it.

Don found Mike in front of the computer in Don's own bedroom, chin in his hand, elbow on the desk. Face close to the screen, obviously reading something carefully.

Don cleared his throat. "Didn't break it yet, did you?"

"Nope." The answer sounded cheerful enough, though Mike's eyes didn't move. "And I'll have you know that what you so casually call 'breaking' are actually total improvements that you're just not smart enough to understand."

"Yeah. I'm fully prepared to believe that." Don came up.

Mike glanced back, gave him a grin, and went back to reading. "Liar."

"Yeah, kinda." Don leaned over his shoulder. "What is this?"

"Death."

Don drew back, looking at Mike's profile. "What?"

He shrugged. "Some website's got all these stories about people who died and came back. White lights and tunnels and everything."

"Mikey…"

Mike glanced over.

Don hesitated. His own fault, he thought. He hadn't taken the time to realize that Raph wasn't the only one hurt in the shooting. The only one lying in bed, but trauma didn't restrict itself to the body.

He lay a hand on Mike's shoulder before moving back to his bed to sit. "Anything interesting?"

"No turtles yet, but I'm sure any time now someone'll've seen one."

Don smiled sadly. "I think you'll be disappointed." He rubbed his eyes, slumping back against the headboard. "Humans are a little…xenophobic, when it comes to their afterlives."

"Xeno who now?"

"Maybe just monochromatic." Don smiled to himself wryly. "I mean…humans' ideas of heaven are opening their eyes and seeing a whole world of white clothes and music and people who look just like them, and believe just like them, everywhere."

Mike made a face. "Sounds boring."

"Yep."

He smiled faintly. "So is it the same for us? We get a heaven with creatures just like us?"

Don shrugged.

Mike laughed. "It'd be us four and Splinter and Leatherhead all sitting in a room staring at each other."

Don chuckled, but didn't answer. He didn't think much about it. He preferred Splinter's ideas. Splinter, though he raised them all as ninja, gave them room to form their own spiritual beliefs. Some he taught - that all spirits were connected, that life was in everything. But his personal beliefs, reincarnation, eventual enlightenment, he taught as one possible option for them to believe in.

Don believed. He couldn't see any other alternative. Nothing he'd read in human faiths allowed for mutant turtles to be part of any afterlife.

No, he liked to think that when they died they would return, not remembering this life at all but retaining some of the lessons learned. That much closer to a real kind of enlightenment.

Mike pushed away from the desk. "Eh. Who wants to sit around on a cloud wearing white?" He turned in the chair, regarding Don. "How's Raph?"

"Not bad. I think there's a chance he might behave. Until he forgets everything I said, anyway." He met Mike's eyes, smiled reassuringly. "We won't let him hurt himself."

"Nah. Course not." Mike grinned.

Don studied him. "You can be scared, you know."

Mike blinked, his smile fading a bit, but he drew a breath and shrugged. "Yeah. And I am. But that's not all I am. Just…you might think I'm thick or something, but I guess it never really hit me before now that we could just…you know? Just, boom, and then one of us isn't here anymore."

Don nodded. "I know."

"You're the one I feel bad for."

"Me?"

Mike nodded, standing up and stretching like he'd been there for a while. "Because I know you. If Raph had died you wouldn't have blamed a bullet or a Purple Dragon. You'd have blamed yourself, even though you have no right to expect yourself to know how to deal with a gunshot wound."

Don drew his legs up to his plastron, giving Mike room to come over and sit. "Maybe. But it wouldn't have been worse than Leo blaming himself for being the target of the shot. Or you. Don't tell me you wouldn't have found a way to convince yourself you could have run across the alley and taken that bullet yourself."

Mike grinned, wry. "We're all pretty predictable I guess."

"Yeah. But that's how it should be. If we didn't go out there thinking we could protect each other we wouldn't be much of a team."

"Just sucks. Something eventually is going to…" He trailed off.

Don nodded, but didn't answer.

Mike being Mike, he shook the thought away and smiled. "You tired? I suppose I could find something on TV, or…"

"No, actually. I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah?"

Don hesitated. He wasn't much for probing into deep personal matters. He watched a lot, and saw a lot that his brothers didn't seem to see. But talking he wasn't so good at. Not when it wasn't a fact he was confident in.

But his brothers and their health were important enough, he figured, and at least this was Mike. It was really hard to feel awkward around Mike.

"Raph said something…"

Mike's expression changed just like that, closed in a little.

Don went on. "He says he's not happy and he won't be, and I should ask you about it."

Mike made a face, looking away from Don. For a few moments they sat, quiet, and the words hung there between them.

Don didn't press. Mike sometimes liked to take time to form words - he would blather away for hours about everything, but when the words were most important he liked to make sure they were the right words.

"You know Raph and me've always been pals."

Don nodded.

Mike sighed. "Well. I mean, we were teenagers, right? And Raph's kinda…cynical."

Understatement. Don smiled faintly.

Mike returned the smile. "And he talked a lot back then about how we'd never know what love, or sex, or anything like that felt like. Because of what we are." He shrugged. "And I started thinking of him and sex together, and I guess I got this…" He grinned, rueful. "A crush. And me and Raph tell each other everything, so I told him. I said, why should we never know what it's like when we've got each other? I thought…no, I guess I still think that we could've made it work. We get along, and we love each other, and I…I don't know if he felt it, but." He shot Don a look.

Don smiled in understanding. "He turned you on."

Mike grinned. "Yep. We even…a couple of times…"

Don waited, eyes wide.

"Nothing like real sex, you know? Just touching and all. It was nice, and for a while I thought it would work. But he said…one day, he said we had to stop. And when I asked why he said because he wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't good for me."

He sighed. "A few times when he and Leo would argue I'd come in late at night and try to cheer him up, and when it didn't work…it hurt me, you know? And he knew that. He said I needed someone who smiled more. Someone happier."

Don nodded slowly.

Mike slouched back, leaning on his palms. "Because I like making everyone cheery. That's what makes me happy, you know? And he didn't cheer up very much. He said I'd start resenting him for not laughing at my jokes. That I thought love might make him happier, but he couldn't change who he was."

He stopped, sighed. "He said a lot of things. I was mad for…eh, you know me. For a couple of days. But he was still my best pal, and things weren't that much different without all the touching. And when I think about it now…maybe he's right. I think I would have expected that me and my sunshiney self would've made him a happier guy, and it would have upset me that he didn't change."

Don frowned. That must've been a shadow on Raph's mind for a while, then. The idea that he'd have to become someone else if he let someone close.

Maybe it was ridiculous, but maybe it wasn't. Raph's personality was dark, and intense. When he was upset he didn't just sulk or fume. He exploded. It wouldn't have been a fit for Mikey. Mike would've been affected by it. Don would be affected by it.

Leo? He frowned, thinking.

"Think I should talk to him?" Mike asked suddenly, as if reading his mind. "Leo, I mean. If he's serious about this, he should know…he shouldn't expect Raph to change."

Don shook his head. "Nah. If they're right for each other this way…it'll work out. Leo will know. If he expects something else, then they're not right."

Mike nodded, a little flash of regret in his eyes. "Think maybe he is right for Raph?"

Don answered that easily. "If any one of us can be, it's Leo."