Author's Note: Another update for my lovely readers! As always, thank you so, so much for the reviews and any other feedback. I'm repeating myself, but I simply can't stress how much it encourages my further work... Thanks goes also to my beta, Midnight-Kitsune11 for the hard work ;)
Now... The big announcement... As the story is rated M – watch out as at the end of the chapter there is a bit of a 'steamy' scene. Now, please don't go and scroll to the scene directly and bare with poor Izaya and his musings ;D Some of you might like me for it more, some could be discouraged to read further, who knows :D Though, I hope you'll simply enjoy reading the chapter as it is :D
Coldplay – White Shadows
"Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state"
I couldn't sleep a wink. I've tried, really tried to stop the thoughts from attacking my wearied mind but there was no success. I just lay there in the confines of my spacious bed, staring at the blank, white ceiling and not even the feel of expensive silk sheets against my naked skin put me a ease. It might have seemed a contradiction – I've said before about my need to think about the current situation – however, the presence of Shizuo under my roof, a few metres away, didn't help me to think about the things that should be actually considered. It was pathetic of me... So pathetic that I had to repress a chuckle of self-pity from leaving my throat.
How could my mind wander so easily without my actual consent? The times I've lost control of myself lately emerged from my memory one after another like cruel jibes directed at my persona. Like a masochist, I watched the happenings replay with the eyes of my imagination. I wasn't enjoying seeing myself weak, vulnerable and easy to stir. It left me with a nasty sour aftertaste in my mouth and an unpleasantly dry throat. If it was my body or mind screaming at me desperately to put an end to this comedy, I couldn't decide. Though, I didn't feel whole. I felt as if there were some independent parts of me that wanted two entirely different things. To accept and to kill the emotions that were stirring me from the inside. How was I to choose? Or maybe it was beyond me to decide? Maybe it was something that will be decided upon without my active participation? How was I to know? I was aware that ther was little I could do right now to stop the fight within me, still, I wanted control so badly that it hurt. Because control was the last thing I was ready to deny myself, to let it go – no matter if it was a part of me that I repressed for long I was giving it to, or another person. After I've already lost it a couple of times without even noticing it in the right moment, it only hit me with more strength how I needed it to feel safe, to feel like myself... Was I scared? That one question I wanted to leave unanswered... Yet it lingered there, at the end of my tongue, ready to slip and defeat me.
I was such an idiot for letting my guard down. After doing it once, every next time was less of a fight. Was there even a fight at all? Wasn't I already too weak to defend? Keeping up appearances the only thing that was left for me to resort to...
I pushed my head further into the soft cushions, finding no comfort in their cold touch. It felt almost... lonely. And for thinking that, I slapped myself in the face without mercy, the sound echoing in the silent room. In hope that the stinging sensation will focus my attention, clear my clouded mind, free me for a moment.
It did nothing more than mock me, remind me of the circumstances that created the current situation. Pain wasn't an answer. Physical pain was the start of it after all. The weakness of the body evolved into the weakness of the mind... soul or heart... Naming it was the least of the problems.
I turned to lay on my stomach, looking at the blank ceiling any longer would make me only sicker. I actually like white – it seemed clean, simple, obvious and yet was anything but that – a merge of other colours, an illusion, impossible to catch by the human eye without additional help. Seeing it now made my stomach clench painfully. So few were really capable of appreciating its hidden beauty, to think about and not just look at it blindly. It was a 'strong' colour, reflecting the light, complex in its simplicity and yet some declined it the right to be named one. How often I've heard people saying that white wasn't a colour at all, that it was dull and vacant. Silly idiots... You had to explain them everything in details, think for them, show them what was hidden below the surface or they would never perceive it by themselves... Where came that pseudo-philosophical babble from? Was there at least the smallest bit of sense in it? As I was on high...
I inhaled deeply and my nostrils were filled with the aroma of freshly laundered bedclothes. It should be relaxing but somehow it had changed into a cold, clinical odour. I felt itchy all of a sudden and kicked the sheet from my body completely. The cold attacked me immediately, ruthlessly biting away all of the earlier accumulated warmness. My eyes were still wide open. I knew that closing my eyelids was useless. There was really no sleep for me tonight...
After a few minutes, or maybe hours – I didn't bother to look at the digital clock on my bedside table – I started shivering lightly. Somehow it made me think about Shizuo again. Being honest, there were many thing that tended to remind me of him nowadays...
Was he warm under the blankets I gave him or was he also shivering despite of their cover? Or maybe on the contrary, he was too hot, his body producing too much heat for him to lie under them comfortably... Was he laying like me, with his body exposed to the cold air, though, in opposite to me, welcoming it like a chilly touch on his overheated skin? I could remember his embrace, his breath and touch – it was all delightful warmth. Was he really as warm right now, even if there was no one to share it with? Was the warmth I've felt only the product of his strong muscles or something more? I shouldn't be eager to learn about it. It was a dangerous knowledge... I was enough confused already.
Still, I couldn't stop myself from imagining his body spread on my couch, not so far from me. It summoned the remembrance of our recent kiss and somehow, I didn't feel so cold anymore...
I cursed under my breath, irritated at the unconscious reaction of my body. I wasn't so unconscious now, however, and the thoughts didn't stop in spite of that.
Today's verbal attack was mostly a cover up. While I couldn't stop myself from watching him in such a vulnerable state, I knew there was something more to it; and not only the fact of seeing him half-naked. I've had a glimpse of his injured leg once before, only for a moment and some time ago. I was curious if there was any improvement, if I could look at it without being strangely moved. The sad fact was, all the scars, bruises and those metal screws made my throat constrict even from afar. That's why instantly change my train of thought, engaged in idiotic sentence exchange, just to make it stop bothering me. And that was only remotely helpful...
Come to think of it, if not for the not-so-pleasant-for-the-eye scarring and discolouring of the skin, Shizuo's thighs were... quite the view. Could it be all the running he did after me or his constant use of strength that made them firm and muscled?
My throat felt even more dry now and another hushed curse left my mouth. Idiot! A blatant idiot... What was I thinking about? I groaned irritably and dragged myself out of the bed. A glass of water. Yes... That's what I needed.
The walk from my bedroom to the kitchen was the longest one I could remember. I moved on tiptoes and did my best not to emit any sounds, as my target destination required going past the living room where Shizuo was sleeping. Waking him up was the last thing on my list to do...
I was sneaking around in my own house. This was ridiculous, yet unavoidable. I felt like a teenager coming back from a party after curfew, trying not to wake his parents as it would end in a disaster. Knowing the arrangement of my apartment was a big help here as everything was immersed in black shadows thanks to the window-blinds that halted the city lights from dispersing the all-embracing murk of the night.
Thankfully, I managed to reach the kitchen without needless accidents and my heart slowed down a bit, me feeling more safe now. Making as little noise as possible, I took a glass from the nearest cupboard. I didn't care for bottled water now, I would have to rummage through the fridge and that would be too troublesome, so I leaned into the direction of the tap, to finally pour some running water to satisfy my thirst.
That action caused me to gasp loudly in surprise, the still empty glass falling to the floor and breaking into pieces. The noise filled the room, but it was like a distant, dull sound to my ears. My heart speed up again and my fist clenched tightly.
How could I not feel that kind of thing? Was it even possible? Was I so engrossed in my thoughts only that I failed to notice it? And why did it happen in the first place? Fuck!
To make myself sure, as now everything seemed surreal and strangely numb, I lowered my slightly trembling hand and it made me grit my teeth.
Fuck! I really was hard...
Not only that... I became hard to the thoughts of fucking Heiwajima Shizuo. I bit my lip. Thinking of him and using the word 'fucking' wasn't the best of ideas when being in my predicament...
Then it was the end of absolutely all of my thoughts, as a loud shout from the living room raised all of the hairs on my neck. I virtually froze – my mind, my body – I couldn't have moved no matter what in that moment.
"What the hell are you doing, flea?" was Shizuo's angry question.
I stood there, petrified, unable to utter a single word, afraid that he will come here and discover my compromising state. And then the gears in my head started to work again.
How would he? He was spending the night because of his poor physical state. There was no way he was going to suddenly appear in the kitchen. I was safe... To an extent.
I inhaled deeply to calm myself down and relaxed my tensed fists, trying not to think about the erection I was still sporting. Shouldn't it die on its own by now, due to my earlier mortification? Whatever... There was no point to dwell on that right now.
"Sorry if I woke you, Shizu-chan. I was just clumsy and broke a glass. I'm going to clean it tomorrow morning, so you can go back to sleep." I replied loudly, so he could hear me from the living room.
A muffled grunt reached my ears and the panic started to raise in me again. Was he going to come here after all? But he swore to Shinra – no running about and unnecessary movement... He looked quite serious when he said that. He intended to keep the promise, right? He had to... I was in no mental state to produce a pretty little lie about the cause my of current state. Well, it was easy to explain it, but to make him believe it was another matter... I was sure my face would give the lie away instantly. My acting skills left me all at once and weren't coming back any time soon, thanks to my stupid thinking session in the bed. Shizuo had to stay put! I wasn't letting him see me like that... He would have such an ideal weapon against me then... Or worse, I would do something entirely more stupid... I couldn't foresee what my reactions were to be nowadays. I could control myself, or throw myself at him as well. I wasn't going to risk that, no matter how small were the odds of the latter actually happening. I've kissed him once before, right? I just couldn't believe my sanity lately...
"Don't come here, Shizu-chan! I won't be taking glass shreds from your feet later..." I shouted.
"As if I was even going to. I'm not your mommy, tch!" was his angry reply.
I sighed with relief and looked around the dark kitchen. The water could wait til tomorrow morning after all, the broken glass too. I just needed to get out of here, to the confines of my bedroom that no longer seemed to be like a jail cell, but a welcoming shelter. That's why I rushed there in a hurry. A grave mistake...
It was my second loud gasp this night, however of pain, not surprise. Like a big idiot, I did exactly what I warned Shizuo of – stepped on a shred of glass. Where was my intelligence when I needed it? It was the fucking same thing as when I was thinking in a bath and broke one of my wine glasses. And my thoughts were also filled with Shizuo then. The most obvious conclusion? Thinking about Shizuo wasn't a good idea because it tended to eventuate in a disaster and me being in pain.
Now I had to take the piece of glass from my foot and bandage it. Great... I needed light. Hissing, I hopped to the light switch on one leg, trying to avoid any other injury. Hell, I should have decided for one of the things were clasping turned the light on... Unfortunately, I didn't. The moment I pushed the switch, the room brightened and I could see the mess I've made. Not only broken glass, but a bit of my blood tainted the tiles.
I sighed and hopped to take out the first aid kit and stop the bleeding. Not that it was especially dangerous, yet having a foreign object in one's foot isn't the pleasantest of experiences. I've known it more than well...
I've so busied myself with the foot that I realised he was standing in the entrance only after he spoke to me. My head snapped to look at him and it wouldn't surprise me if my eyes really were like saucers... What the hell was he doing here? Wasn't his plan to ignore me?
"Is it some devious plan of yours to tire me through lack of sleep and then kill me when I'm weary and least expecting it, flea?" he asked drowsily.
Half-asleep and still came here, though he had to lean on the crutches to do it. What a moron... But it wasn't his foolishness that kept my focus on him. Was that vengeance from his point of view? A punishment for my joking around? I wouldn't put it passed him...
He was standing in the doorway, his sleepy features revealing slight irritation and it seemed as if it was normal for him to walk around someone else's apartment wearing only a pair of wrinkled, low riding trousers. There wasn't even a belt holding them on his hips... And no shoes or socks on his feet. His blond hair was in a total mess and it looked as if the pattern from one of the cushions imprinted on his right cheek. The only thing that came into my mind at that moment was that he ideally portrayed a thoroughly debauched businessman who spent the night at a lover's house and overslept... It didn't matter that none of it was actually true. The picture was simply perfect and not even the crutches could spoil it. It was as if they weren't there...
I've seen it before. I had the chance to watch Shizuo in tattered and hence revealing clothes, though it was something entirely different. Now there was nothing hindering the eyes from feasting. It was all thoughtlessly displayed in front of me, beguiling. The taut skin and the firm muscles. The power. And the mark that I've left on him – the pale scar on his chest, contrasting delicately with his natural skin colour. It was almost faded by now, a reminiscence of our combat, our meeting – the day we became enemies – our future and past in a single faded line.
I shouldn't have looked at him... My eyes weren't listening to me, however. And the same went for my body. I could feel the beginnings of excitement filling my veins. The thing I feared the most. And it was impossible to control, just as I thought it would be... I lost. It was a miracle that I was still seated on the chair...
"Are you deaf or just in shock? You cut your foot, though you've told me not to? Really? Now that's too perfect..." he said, ruffling his hair even more, visibly putting more weight on one of the crutches.
I stayed silent still, squeezing the injured, yet already bandaged foot in my hand.
"What the heck is wrong with you? You really are in shock?" he looked at me suspiciously. "You couldn't cut yourself deep, you would've bled more, right? Izaya? Izaya! Cut the crap and speak to me already." he shouted finally, starting to get more pissed off.
Oh my... Was he seriously so blind? Was it just naivety or innocence? He was utterly oblivious... How could he after all I've said so far? Even the teasing should give him a hint that his body was... nice to look at and that could lead to things. Where was his earlier embarrassment? He was adamant not to let me see his lower half and flustered when he saw me shirtless but him going with an exposed chest was okay? There was no sense in that kind of thinking... I know Shizu-chan isn't the brightest of people, but come on! Maybe it was the drowsiness from sleep that made him less uptight? It would be better if he left the room...
"Uhm... Just leave me to myself. I've already taken care of it and was about to go to sleep. And you'll catch a cold standing here half-naked." I replied.
It was considerable effort that I didn't blush – less suspicious. Even though, I had to rearrange myself on the chair a bit – for obvious reasons. I bit my lower lip again, trying not to emit a treacherous sound. A moment and he will leave. I could bare with it. I couldn't fight down my arousal but I could avoid looking at him...
"As if you're one to talk... You're in the same state of undress if you haven't noticed. Besides, you're acting weird. All silent and amiable. It stinks with an ulterior motive to me... And why are you sitting like that? It's a woman's pose, you know? You look like an idiot... And why are you averting your eyes?" he announced and made a few steps in my direction, the sound of the crutches hitting the floor echoing in my head like a drum.
From all the times, why he had to be so talkative and inquiring now? Oh, and it wasn't my eyes I was averting, of that I was sure...
I could hear him closing the gap between us more and more and finally raised my head when the sound quieted down. The view of his bare stomach filled my vision and in the last second I stifled a gasp of surprise... and probably something more.
"W-What are you doing, Shizu-chan? I told you to go back to sleep, didn't I?" I gulped.
My hands started to itch... Really... It was dangerous and the moronic man in front of me wasn't aware of this. Who was more pathetic here? Me for losing my cool over something so simple as naked skin, or him for not recognising the signs of another man's excitement when I had the impression that my body was seriously overheating. I must have looked flustered... First the intense look I gave him, then my gaze starting to jump, tensed muscles and my sitting position, the way I spoke so unusually for me... It had to be obvious, yet for him it wasn't. Was it a curse or salvation? I received mixed signals...
He rested one of the crutches on the table and leant slightly in my direction, the muscles on his stomach constricting with the movement. This time I was unable to look away.
It was ridiculous... I always appreciated beautiful things and it counted as one, in its own category, however, it didn't mean I was lusting after every beautifully sculpted body. Not at all... I could look, why not, but wanting to touch it was something else completely. And that meant it wasn't a body I was attracted to. It was Shizu-chan's body that awoke those feelings. Bullseye! It made me sweat, the mere thought of it...
"Something is fishy..." he said and suddenly poked my forehead with a finger. It made me look him in the eyes. "You're sweating... Is it normal? It's not that hot... maybe you should call for Shinra after all? He won't be thrilled – it's the middle of the night – but after some nagging he will come to look at you. Or maybe you're doing it to make fun of me or irritate me again, huh? It's not really that funny... You're disrupting my sleep and it's healing properties, at least that's what Shinra always says..." he continued and tilted his head to the side, observing me.
"I'm fine." I assured through gritted teeth.
He was so close... Too close for comfort. I could feel my erection and it wasn't going away soon. Especially when apart from visuals, I could also smell his scent lingering in the air around him. It was somehow... warm, like the rest of him and slightly musky.
I was so going to lose it if he insisted on violating my personal space so casually. I wanted to and didn't want in the same time. I knew possible consequences, yet they seemed so far away from now...
"The heck if you are... Are you...? You're actually trembling, flea... That's really not funny at all. You may want to be strong and other shit in front of me but I ain't spending the night with a dead body. It could be a fucking infection or whatever... I'm calling Shinra if you want it or not..." He announced and started to straighten himself up and that was it.
I grabbed his neck harshly, as if in panic, and attacked his unsuspecting lips. I felt relief and a new wave of excitement filling me. I didn't understand how that was possible and frankly, I didn't care a single bit... I was too engrossed in an activity that absorbed all of my attention; mental and physical.
The familiar warmth embraced me again and it made me only more feverish. My lips seemed hungry for his somehow and my tongue immediately started to dance on his bottom lip, coaxing his mouth to open up for me, to let me taste more of him, to feel him respond to my caresses.
There was no time to feel surprise when he complied to my unspoken wish and soon, yet not soon enough, his own tongue joined mine, as well as his lips and teeth. Thank evolution for the fact humans are able to breath through mouth as well as through nose, as otherwise I would let us suffocate probably, so unwilling I was to part from him even for a second, to stop the kiss and the connection between our lips.
When the need for air was more than pressing and breathing through noses was no longer enough, it was him who made the first move to part. However, I was fast to resume the kissing, by simply changing my target.
First was his chin and jaw and then I had to raise from the chair to reach further. In some magical way, not even thinking much, I managed to push him into a half-sitting position on the table and place myself between his legs, the last thread of sanity prompting me to watch for his injured thigh. My own hurting foot was long forgotten...
I reached his ear and encircled the outer shell with my tongue, only to delve to the space just below the lobe and bask in the scent I've found there. It was enticing... Then it was time to pamper his strong neck with some kisses and feel the tendons tense under my touch. I couldn't stop myself from sucking were his neck met with shoulder and it gained me a muffled sound of surprised pleasure from Shizu-chan's mouth.
There was no control in me – I acted purely instinctively, not caring if what I was doing was right or wrong. It simply felt good and so I continued; touching as much as I could, inhaling the scent, hearing the sounds. I was lost in the body in front of me.
My hands started to wander, as if having a mind on their own, and decided to explore Shizuo's chest – naked and hot under my fingertips, muscles working under the skin. He emitted a low groan when I scraped one of his brown nipples with my fingernails and I could feel the sound vibrating in his chest. The feel of it was heavenly. I wanted to hear more of that voice...
The sudden feeling of his hands on my bare back made me gasp silently but my pleasure only heightened when they started to roam freely and kneed the muscles there. There was that strength in his touch that watching was always a thrill and now it was here, so close to me, yet not harmful at all; willingly tamed by the 'supposed' monster himself... The thought was enthralling and even more arousing.
If I could, I would have started to purr the moment his hands moved to my lower back and then to my ass where they stayed, first unmoving and then slowly massaging the flesh. When Shizuo's thumbs found the way under the hem of my pants and started to caress the naked skin almost all of my movement ceased.
God... he was touching my bare ass. It was only the upper part of it and only his thumbs, but somehow it made me more excited than I felt it normally should. Was he even aware he was doing it or he didn't control his actions at all? I wasn't able to dwell on it for long. His hands felt so hot on my skin...
Our lips joined again. Teeth tugging slightly on my bottom lip, me sucking lightly on his tongue. Heat and moisture.
His stifled moan made me realise that one of my hands reached the band of those black, wrinkled trousers and landed on what was undoubtedly his erection. For some unknown reason, it made me stop and raise my head to take a look at his face that I didn't focus on until now.
And maybe his expression didn't leave me breathless but it certainly made my heart beat even faster. His cheeks were darker than any blush I've seen on him before. His lips reddened from the constant kissing and parted slightly in seek of air. Again, it was his eyes that made the biggest impact on me. One could think that the ideal thing would be for them to be clouded in passion and unseeing, but it wasn't that... Oh, of course there was passion in them, it was impossible not to see it, however, the fact they were looking straight back into mine was more thrilling than anything else...
Those caramel orbs were focused on mine, and despite the widened irises, I knew he was aware of the person who made him feel all of those things. He knew it was me and didn't stop me...
It was that knowledge that made me resume my movements and without further dismissal, I slowly slipped my hand under the front of his pants and underwear, not braking the eye contact that we shared. He took a harsh intake of breath as my fingers travelled through his pubic hair and then an audible gasp left his mouth when I slid my fingers over his arousal. Hot. It was so hot in my touch... I wrapped my hand around it and started to move, seeing his irises widen even more, breath hitching with every change of pace or force of my hold.
I was intoxicated by him. Every favourable reaction of his sent thrills of joy and excitement down my spine. It was like a charm that made me continue until I could grant him the highest pleasure. It was insane and beautiful and frightening and... I couldn't think clearly anymore.
Muffled mewls and hisses of pleasure started to fill the air, the fingers that didn't left my bottom started flexing, body trembling slightly, and his manhood in my hand felt even hotter. I knew he was near his completion and it wasn't much longer until he reached it with a low groan.
The only thought that crossed my mind then was... Beautiful.
And it might have seemed silly, but he really looked beautiful in that moment, no matter if he was a man and it was me who perceived it as such...
The sound of his slowing breath filled the room and I started to wonder...
What have I done?