The smile on Mike's face was entirely incongruous with the objects in his hand. "Hey, bro!"

Raph only had to eye the towels slung over his shoulder, and the sloshing bucket and sponge, and he was able to answer Mike's cheery greeting with his own perky, "Get the hell out of here with that. Now."

Mike moved to the bed, smile not losing a centimeter. "Don says a bunch of medical stuff, and Leo says a bunch of hygiene-ish things, and what it boils down to is you're gonna have to suffer through a bath."

"Fine. Leave it here, I'll do it myself."

Mike hesitated. "Uh. Not to add to what must be a bad time for you, but. No can do. You can't reach the most important bits."

"Unless you want to lose a hand, I wouldn't come at me with that sponge."

Mike sighed. "Look, Raph."

Raph looked away from him, wishing he could at least be sat upright so he could cross his arms or turn away or do something a little more impressive than turning his head.

Mike's weight made the bed creak, and Raph reluctantly looked back at his brother.

The sponge was safely in the bucket, and Mike sat looking out at the room. Despite his earlier grins his shoulders were slumped, which wasn't like him.

Raph frowned, a needle of guilt poking at him. "You guys gotta leave me some shot at retaining some kind of dignity, you know?"

Mike shook his head. "So you can die proud? No. We'd rather have you alive and embarrassed."

"I don't get any say in this?"

"Raph, we've been doing it for…" Mike shut his mouth tightly.

Raph's eyes shut, then opened slowly. "You've been giving me baths?"

"You've been lying down for…what, like two weeks now? Of course we have. Don says you could get bedsores, and that…uh. You know. Pee. It's bad." He shrugged, awkward.

"I'm not in a coma here. When's the last time…?"

"You sleep pretty hard on those pills. Come on, Raph, what did you think? We'd leave you laying all gross and dirty?"

"I think I need to have some words with my brothers."

Mike's gaze stayed on the wall. Leo's wall, so it was bare and plain. Nothing there to draw focus, but Mike studied it like it was fascinating.

When he answered, though, his voice was suddenly low. "You almost died."

Raph frowned at his brother's profile. "Yeah, they keep reminding me." Don when he tried to shove pills down Raph's throat. Leo when…

Actually, Leo hadn't come by in a couple of days.

He pushed that thought away fast.

Which wasn't hard when Mike spoke again. "I don't think you get it, Raph. You remember where we were? We were off 123rd when we found those guys. You know how far that is?"

Raph hesitated, wishing Mike would at least look at him.

"Leo and Don carried you back. I went ahead, making sure the path was clear, and I kept thinking…I kept thinking you'd die before we even got home, and I wouldn't have seen it. I wouldn't've been there."

Raph reached out, laying a hand on Mike's arm hesitantly. "Hey. It's okay, you know? Takes more than a Purple Dragon to--"

"I know they've told you how bad it was. But you don't get it. I was in the kitchen getting water and Splinter came in to heat the sai over the stove, and…and you should've seen him. His hands were shaking so bad I thought he was gonna burn himself."

Raph's mouth shut. His head dropped back. He couldn't even picture that. Splinter was old, maybe, but he rarely let it show. He never shook.

"We were all freaked out, Raph. So bad. I mean…Don was the last one to show it, 'cause he was taking care of you. But Leo…you wouldn't have recognized him. He was wild."

Raph looked up at the ceiling, away from Mike. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what Leo had been like. He was happy thinking Leo had been calm and in charge and unattached.

"We're not ready," Mike said. He finally turned his head - Raph could feel his eyes, though he didn't return the look. "We found that out the hard way. We're not ready to lose someone. And we could still lose you."

Raph felt the motion, caught it out of the corner of his eye, as Mike's hand lifted to scrub over his face. He didn't look. He didn't want to see.

"And if you don't get cleaned up, you're going to get sores and infections and you could die from those. I know it's awful and you hate it, but we've been doing it and we can't not do it. And that's all there is to it, okay?"

Raph's throat worked. He looked away from Mike, his hands squeezing into fists. "I don't…"

Mike waited.

Fucking Mike And his fucking guilt trips. He was the worst one out of all of them when it came to guilt, because he was always so damned sincere. Innocent. Mike was all wide-eyes, nothing hidden. He showed everything, and it was a hundred times worse than Leo's worst lectures.

Raph let out a breath. "Not you."

Mike tensed so sharply Raph could actually feel it.

He spoke fast. "Not 'cause…I mean, hell, Mikey. You know I trust you."

Mike scrubbed his face again. "It's not like I haven't already seen everything you've got, Raph."

Raph smiled faintly. He reached for Mike's hand, touching just briefly. "That's the thing. I don't…" He sighed. "I don't want the way you look at me to change."

"It wouldn't!" Surprise made Mike turn more towards him.

Raph met his eyes. "Having to scrub my beat-up ass isn't gonna drown out all those old memories?"

Mike hesitated.

Raph squeezed his hand. "You can't hide anything, Mike. That's not how you are. Just…please? Give me something that'll stay the same."

"Okay." Mike drew in a breath and sighed it slowly out. "Okay. I don't have to. But someone does."

Raph nodded. Splinter, maybe, or Don. Don was practically his doctor, he'd be removed, right?

"I'll do it."

They both turned to the door.

Leo stood in the doorway, shoulder leaning against the wall. He was watching them, arms folded over his chest.

Raph looked away from him and back at Mikey. For a moment he wanted to ask Mike to get Don instead, but when he spoke he said, "Go on, Mikey. Come see me after. Might need you and you dumb jokes and all."

Leo moved into the room.

Mike nodded, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "You're our hero, you know that?"

Raph's attention had been going back to Leo, but he caught on those words. He met Mike's eyes, and for a moment he just stared. Something fluttered in his chest, and he opened his mouth and shut it again.

Mike could say something to rock him as casually as he'd say good morning.

Mike leaned in and touched his mouth to Raph's temple. "Be tough."

"Yeah." Raph's voice was gravel. He cleared his throat, his eyes hot. "Yeah, thanks."

Mike stood up and went to the door. He handed the bucket and towels to Leo as he passed, and spoke something so low Raph couldn't hear it.

Leo nodded and didn't watch him go. He stood where he was, bucket in his hand, and studied Raph.

Raph swallowed, feeling exposed after Mikey's concern and lack of judgment. Leo was Mike's opposite, especially in how he thought of Raph. And Raph wasn't sure he could deal with it.

But he wasn't sure he wanted to put Don through having to bathe him and deal with whatever would inevitably come of it. Raph knew himself, and his attitude. This wouldn't be easy for anyone involved.

But Leo…

It was funny. Leo was his brother. He'd always been there. He'd already seen Raph in his worst kinds of moments. He'd seen Raph sick, hurt, drunk, hung over. Seen him in the worst moods ever. Hell, Leo had cleaned up his puke and bandaged his wounds.

Leo was his brother.

It was strange, and not in a good way, that he suddenly found himself wondering if he could trust Leo to keep being his brother.

He could believe, now that he was mostly free of medication, that lying in an alley thinking he would die he might've actually said the words to Leo. Those three stupid words. That stupid feeling he carried around with him for so long it was just another long-term resentment: they would never be human, they would never be normal. They would never be thanked for risking themselves. Leo would never think of him as more than an overheated rebel asshole.

Those things were a part of him, and had been for so long he didn't even think about them anymore. He accepted them as givens.

But maybe if he'd thought he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences, maybe that one resentment had come up. Maybe Leo had been there, and Raph had been too selfish to die without ever making Leo face what he felt.

Now he was alive, and Leo knew. And there he was, holding a bucket ready to give him a frigging sponge bath.

Raph could have asked for Don or Splinter. Leo was in charge when it came to training and fights, but he couldn't order Raph to accept this if he didn't want it.

But part of Raph, the scared part that was at the mercy of three stupid words, wanted to know if everything had changed. If they could still be brothers, along with being…whatever else those words had morphed them into. That even though any denial he gave that he didn't mean it, he was delirious, whatever, would ring falso to both of them, maybe Leo wouldn't hold it over him even during times like this.

He looked away from Leo after a moment, teeth gritting. "This is bad enough without you drawing it out."

He heard the nearly inaudible sound of Leo's feet padding across the floor. A shadow fell over the bed, and Raph swallowed.

Leo's weight dipped the bed in the same spot Mike had.

Raph kept his eyes stubbornly upward. "So how's this work?"

"It's a sponge and water, Raph. How do you think--"

"Now's not the time to be a smart-ass, Leo." His voice was sharper than he'd intended.

There was a pause. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Surprise almost made him look, but his will won out.

"Just be still and let me…" He took up a towel from the cluster on his shoulder. He stood to lay the towel on the mattress. Slowly he leaned in, hands finding Raph's shell. "Don't tense. I just have to move you enough to get this under you."

Don't tense. Jesus. Raph shut his eyes and let himself be pushed. Hell, Leo was so slow and cautious about it he might not've even realized what was going on.

Leo moved around the bed, putting towels under his legs and on his other side. He moved like he had some practice.

Like he'd done it before.

Raph grimaced and tried not to imagine his brothers doing this to him while he was out of it.

Leo moved back to his other side and sat again. "You okay?"

He didn't bother answering. He hated stupid questions.

"We'll just take it one limb at a time to start, okay?"

Raph ground his teeth. He dropped his head away from Leo and stuck out his arm.

A gentle grip caught his wrist. There were soft sounds, the trickle of droplets into water. And then wet warmth on his arm, dragging slowly and carefully along the line of his muscles.

Surprisingly, Leo stayed silent. He lifted and lowered Raph's arm as he needed, moved the sponge as carefully and thoroughly as if he'd given sponge baths all the damned time. The dampness of the sponge was followed just as carefully by the drying touch of another towel. Careful. Meticulous, as Leo always was.

Raph wasn't looking at him and didn't plan to, but he could picture just the look he'd have on his face.

Leo lifted Raph's arm carefully to clean his armpit and down the sensitive skin that met his bridge. More sensitive than the skin on his arms, and Raph might've shivered if he wasn't completely tense.

Five years ago he might've had dreams where Leo's hands traced the path of that sponge.

It was hard not to feel that much more embarrassed, really. This whole thing was like torture. The most non-sexual thing he could've imagined. And that was how he was finally getting Leo's hands on him.

He couldn't help but wonder what Leo was thinking.

Leo, of course, gave absolutely no sign. When he was done with Raph's arm he stood silently and moved to the other side of the bed to sit, to take Raph's other arm. As detached and distant as Raph could have hoped for.

Raph's cheek was against the pillow, and when Leo sat in his line of sight he didn't turn away.

He watched, since Leo was focused on his work. He studied Leo's face. Just as he'd pictured it.

Thoughtful, but what else was new? There was always that look in his eyes and that little furrow in his forehead that meant he was working over everything in his brain.

It was different from Donnie's thoughtful looks - Donnie knew and understood. If he didn't know he learned. Leo? He didn't think about the kinds of things he could learn from a computer. He took in other people, their reactions, their words. He tossed ideas around in his head, content to let his mind sift through to find his own truth.

Raph had never understood that about him. Leo could leave one of Splinter's lessons, sit by himself for an hour thinking it all over with that furrow between his eyes, and then he would be content that he understood all there was to understand.

Raph was driven by gut instinct. Leo? He was more complicated. Raph didn't understand it, and he hated when that look was directed at him, like he was some puzzle piece Leo could think about for a few minutes and have all figured out. He resented that Leo was right so often.

He knew Splinter approved of it, and he hated that too.

There was a part of him, he figured, that resented everything Splinter liked in his brothers that he himself didn't have. Which didn't make much sense, since he'd never actively tried to push his way into Splinter's focus. He wasn't some neglected kid. But every time Splinter chuckled at one of Mike's jokes, he felt a twist in his gut, wondering why Splinter didn't laugh for him.

Leo wasn't wearing his bands - they didn't very often, not in the comfort of their lair. But his face was so broad without the cut of blue. His eyes seemed bigger. He seemed…vulnerable somehow, though he wasn't. A trick of the eye.

Raph didn't love Leo. He didn't.

He didn't. Not as more than a brother. He'd been…weaker, when he was younger. He'd had weird ideas about himself, about why Leo always got him so emotional. He admired things about Leo, and mistook that for something else.

It was just that Leo was strong. As strong as Raph was, in a way Raph didn't have and could admire from a distance. If Raph was drawn to strength in others, that wasn't any big surprise.

If he fought with Leo, louder and longer than he had to, and needed those fights to release some of his frustrated tension, no big deal. Leo could take it.

Leo didn't look at his face as he drew the sponge so carefully over his arm. He didn't move his head at all, like he was focusing every ounce of concentration on the simple act of wetting him with a sponge and drying him with a towel.

Damn it. There was still strength in him, even doing that. Raph wanted to look away, but he saw his brother like this so rarely, and hell. What else did he have to think about that was better than Leo?

Leo did look up when he lay Raph's arm back on the bed. "I'll…" One word. That was all. It trailed off into nothing, and his eyes stayed on Raph's. He saw something in Raph's face, and the bad thing was that Raph had no idea what he was broadcasting so clearly.

Leo's expression didn't seem to change, but was suddenly entirely different. Like a shifting of muscle so subtle it was invisible.

Raph met his eyes, and something was there. It wasn't the medication talking - there was something…

Leo reached for his newly cleaned arm, sliding a finger slowly up the sensitive skin on the inside of his elbow. "You know, you're a lot bigger than the rest of us."

Raph was grateful for the words - they were just distracting enough that he could drag his eyes away from Leo and look back at that comfortable spot on the ceiling.

"I suppose being around you every day makes it hard to notice something like that, but…you are. You put a lot of value in strength, don't you?"

Raph grimaced. "Does it matter? Way Don talks I'll be a shriveled twig before I get outta this bed."

"No." That broad finger traced over his bicep. "We can't have that. I'll make sure you get some exercise."

Innocent words, innocent intent, but something in Raph's gut erupted into sparks. He frowned at himself, annoyed at the instant reaction.

It was as if those frigging words, the ones he'd apparently slurred out in an alley and Leo had repeated back to him later, had woken up all the old notions in his head.

Stupid. There wasn't a single thing about it that wasn't just stupid.

Leo leaned over him suddenly. "Raph?"

Raph's eyes went wide and he looked back.

Leo smiled, just a little subtle tilt at the corners of his mouth. His hand moved, slid to Raph's neck and laced underneath. His eyes were strange, all bright and intent and focused as they slid over Raph's face. He was close enough that Raph could feel a little puff of cool breath against his cheek when Leo exhaled.

The sponge touching his shoulder startled him, and he flinched.

Leo's smile faded. The strange look in his eyes faded back to that thoughtful distance, but he didn't speak. He ran the sponge across Raph's collarbones, skimming the edge of his plastron. He cleaned his other shoulder, and the hand under Raph lifted gently, tilting his head up to get the underside of his neck.

The water was still warm, vaguely medicinal-smelling, and he shivered as his neck was cleaned. Leo's hand slid up to the back of his head.

His eyes went to the side, away from his brother. Too close. He could almost think Leo was deliberately trying to torment him, to stir around all those feelings he'd accused Raph of having.

There didn't seem to be any kind of smugness in Leo's eyes, but that didn't mean it wasn't there.

He grabbed on to that thought hard. Testing him, that's what Leo was doing. Playing with him. Trying to get some more ammo, some added confession he could hold over Raph's head.

His anger refused to rise - maybe it wasn't all that believable - but just the thought was enough to let him look away and recover a little rational thought.

As if Leo sensed his mind drawing back, he drew back physically. He lay Raph's head back on the pillow, as gentle as if a little bump might make him shatter.

And then he stood. "Are you okay so far?"

Raph drew a breath. Nodded. Tried not to think of what was coming.

Leo's weight settled lower on the bed. Mercifully, he sat with his back to Raph so he could start on Raph's feet and work up.

Reprieve. Raph relaxed with a sigh, dragging his eyes down from the ceiling. He took in Leo's wide shell.

He'd know it, he thought. He'd know any of his brothers by their shells. He knew the gauges, the shapes. He wondered if humans would be able to tell the difference.

He frowned suddenly, his gaze drawn to a mark he didn't recognize. "Where'd you get that?"

"Hmm?" Leo glanced over his shoulder, sponge pausing on Raph's ankle.

Raph reached out, pressing hard against a scar in the shell. A gauge. "This one. This is new."

It was out of Leo's line of sight, just about midway up towards the center of his carapace. Raph rubbed his finger over it, but he doubted Leo could feel it.

When he looked up, Leo was watching his face and not even trying to see where he was touching.

Leo searched his eyes. "I don't know. I suppose in the last fight? Sometimes it's hard to keep track."

Raph frowned. "Shouldn't be."

Leo raised his brow. He moved his hand behind him, touching a small chipped piece of the outer edge of his carapace. "I don't know most of these."

Raph snorted. "That one's easy. That was the fall into April's apartment."

Leo regarded him.

Raph frowned, raising his hand to the side, to another place where the glass and the fall had stripped some of Leo's shell. "This one, too. A lot of these."

Leo spoke slowly, searching. "You know that spot on Don's back? He's got a cut right into the groove between his--"

Raph frowned. "Shredder."

Leo turned away from him. The sponge on his ankle began its slow stroking again.

Raph's brow furrowed. He watched Leo's back, wondering if he was wrong. No. He remembered it pretty damned well, watching his brothers follow him, one by one, to take their first crack at Oruku Saki. Watching Don so easily unarmed and thrown. One of the razors that was fastened to Shredder's arm had hit him just right, and…

Maybe the fight bothered Leo to remember.

"You know, sometimes I think I don't know you at all." Leo spoke without looking at him, still carefully washing.

Raph blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…sometimes it's too easy to think that you don't care that much."

Something like hurt flickered at his mind, but he snorted. "I got a hole in my gut begging to differ."

Leo shook his head. "No. I don't doubt you'd take a hit for any of us if you could. I know you love us, Raph. I just…I didn't know you cared so much that you'd know the history of our littlest injuries."

Raph dropped his head back as the sponge moved above his knee to his thigh.

"I pride myself on knowledge, and understanding. But I've been so wrong about your feelings."

Raph grimaced. "Let's not talk about my feelings, Leo. This is uncomfortable enough."

"Relax." Leo's voice was mild. "It's going to get worse."

Raph glared at the ceiling.

Leo rose and moved, but Raph didn't watch. He settled again after a moment. At the foot of the bed.

Raph swallowed, trying like hell to relax when Leo took hold of his legs and spread them carefully apart.

The sponge got to work on his other leg.

"Raph. Relax."

He shut his eyes, loosened his fists from the sheet beneath him. Relax, he repeated to himself. Relax.

He did feel a little better. Maybe it was the bath itself, or the soothing touch of the soft sponge. It sure as hell wasn't Leo's presence.

Leo took hold of his leg carefully and lifted to get the underside of his thigh.

Raph groaned. When the sound drew Leo's eyes, he just lay back. "Like a frigging Charlie horse. Been wanting to stretch my damned legs for days."

"We'll have to start exercising you soon, then." Leo moved to his other leg, stretching it more deliberately.

Raph wondered if that wasn't his answer, right there. The answer to his original unspoken question - could they still be brothers? Could Leo still be the pushy leader, and Raph be the black sheep who disobeyed every order he could.

Could they deal with each other the way they always had.

This wasn't an argument, of course, so it wasn't standard behavior for the two of them. But Leo stroked that sponge up his thighs without a trace of any kind of sexual element. He wasn't tense, as if he thought Raph might get a hard-on or something from having him there. He wasn't smug, watching for signs of attraction.

Considering how intimate a thing this was, it seemed obvious that those three words hanging over his head like a sword hanging from a hair weren't going to ruin things as much as he thought.

The relief of that was the only thing that kept him from tensing too much when Leo spoke next.

"You ready for this?" His voice was low, solemn. He knelt between Raph's legs, waiting. Obviously not going to go on until Raph answered him.

Raph just snorted. There wasn't any damned way to answer.

Leo, so silent most of the time he'd been in there, spoke again even as the sponge slid up Raph's thigh and under his shell. "Why didn't you want Mike to do this? We all figured he'd be the most comfortable for you."

Raph kept his eyes tightly shut, breathing deeply in and out. Refusing to think about what was going on. "Mike…" He ground his teeth when the sponge stroked over his tail, cleaning as thoroughly as any other part of his body.

Fucking humiliating bullshit, damn it all.

He swallowed. "Mike's crazy enough to look up to me. In spite of everything I do to ruin it."

The sponge moved up, stroking back and forth over Raph's asshole. Like torture. Like humiliation.

"You think he'd respect you less?" From Leo's voice they might've been chatting over a beer, not on a bed wiping at Raph's dirty ass.

His hands were fisting the sheets again, but he didn't bother trying to relax them. "I don't want to look in his eyes and see this."

Leo hummed a little, almost like he understood. "Don told me about you and Mike."

Raph snorted, but there was a desperate edge to it. "I don't know where Don's been hiding this gossipy big-ass mouth of his all these years."

"Mmm. Does that have something to do with it, though?"

Raph had this horrible, stomach-churning feeling that if this went on much longer, he'd actually shed some fucking tears over it. "I don't know." Focus on the words, he ordered himself. "Me and him had some good times, and I know…damn it." He could feel heat behind his eyelids.

The sponge traced over the opening where his cock would emerge.

He swallowed. "Mike thought I was hot." He laughed, dark and bitter, because the idea of him being attractive in any way was pretty fucking laughable right then.

But Leo didn't laugh. Didn't even smile.

Raph stuttered out a sigh. "I don't know. Even though we'd never be anything serious, it's still…I don't wanna lose that."

Leo nodded. When he spoke, his voice was hesitant. "Raph, I can't get…you're going to have to drop down for me."

Mike vanished from Raph's head and he squeezed his fists so hard it hurt.

"Relax. You're too tense."

"What the fuck do you expect, Leo? Jesus fucking Christ." He swallowed and let his cock slide from the safety of its hiding place.

If Leo had been talking to keep Raph's mind off things, he didn't bother trying that now. He carefully, quickly sponged and dried.

Raph was tucked back inside before Leo could draw the sponge fully away. He brought an arm up to lay across his eyes, in case he did lose all control and start blubbering.

"Raph." Leo's weight left the bed.

Raph held his breath, daring to hope Leo would miraculously just leave without making him say anything else.

But no. A dip in the bed beside him, where Leo had first sat.

"Raph?"

If Leo was trying to draw Raph's gaze, he was shit out of luck.

"Listen…I understand."

He couldn't even muster the energy to snort. Instead he just puffed out a breath.

"I mean about Mikey. I guess if Mike's not going to have any new memories after this one, he might always hold on to this one. But I'm not Mikey."

Raph grimaced.

Leo shifted, and his voice was suddenly closer. "I'll see more when I look at you. I already do, though you might not believe it."

Raph's arm lifted. He turned his head to look at Leo.

Leo's eyes were dark. That same intent focus he'd had while he cleaned Raph shone through. "I came in here meaning to tell you about everything I've been thinking lately. But this is a pretty rotten time."

Raph shut his eyes. Humiliation still burned in him, but something burned hotter, and he absolutely hated it.

"You should know, though. Now, and every time we have to do this in the next few weeks."

Every time. Raph's eyes burned.

A touch appeared on his arm, stroking slow and soothing. "Keep this in mind: I plan on having memories more than this. This isn't going to be what any of us remembers about you. It's so low on the list we won't even think about it once you're better."

Raph's head shook, though he wasn't sure exactly which part he was arguing with. He couldn't get past the idea that this wasn't a one-time thing. This would happen a lot.

"I promise, Raph."

He wanted to ask Leo to get out and leave him alone, but he didn't trust his voice. His throat felt hot and thick and he hadn't felt this close to tears since he was a kid.

Leo shifted, and Raph felt breath against his brow a moment before warmth pressed into his temple. Like the small kiss Mike gave before he left, but this wasn't Mikey.

His eyes opened, but his vision was too blurred to make out much of Leo's face.

Leo's voice pretty much said it all, though. "You're my hero too."

Raph looked away fast, begging, though only in his mind. Begging in screams for Leo to just leave, to give him something that was private.

Miraculously, Leo stood.

Raph listened with focus he couldn't manage in most other things, hearing every footfall from the bed to the door. Hearing the opening of the door, and the soft closing.

He opened his eyes wide, and blindly reached to the side, to the table where he knew there was always…

There. His hand closed around the glass of water, and without looking to see where it would hit he threw it.

The crash was some small comfort, but better was the pain that throwing it caused. The fire in his gut, the sheer physical pain that was the permission he needed to give in to the fire in his eyes and let the tears slide down his face.