Author's Note -

Um. Right. So, yeah, I've been gone a long time. Kinda left abruptly, I'm sure most everyone's forgotten about me. Sorry. :-) I don't even have a really good reason. I've been writing a novel, trying my hand at original fiction. It's going well, too, and I'm happy with it. But I thought maybe I could work on my unfinished fanfics now that most of the novel's hammered out.

Anyway, for everyone still willing to read to the end, thanks. I'm hoping to get this story, Return to the River, and Over All the Creatures finished. Might not start anything new until the book's done, but at least I can not leave anyone hanging on the stuff I've started.

This chapter's just to get me back in the mood. And don't worry, the next chapter's coming really soon. Raph and Leo are having this massive confrontation in my head and it needs to escape onto paper.

Right, enough from me. And, hi everyone!

Everything was warm. The sheets around him, the air, his body. He felt relaxed for the first time in ages. Comfortable. In his own room again, sleeping in his own rugged little hammock, tucked in close beside a warm body.

Raph kicked out, luxuriating in a full-body stretch, growling deep in his chest. "Jesus."

There was a quiet laugh beside him. "Feeling okay, then?"

He shifted to his side and grinned. "Better than okay, Mikey."

Mike rolled to meet him, pulling his arm from under the sheet and tracing an easy line down Raph's plastron. "Bet I can make you feel even better."

Heat pooled in Raph's gut. His grin only grew. "I like these bets."

"Don't whip it out yet, Raph. I'm talking about making breakfast."

Raph's grin faded into a pout. "Oh."

Mike giggled, burying his face in the pillow.

Raph slipped his hand to his brother's face, touching the curve of his grinning cheek.

Mike looked up again and leaned in. He touched his mouth lightly to Raph's. "See?" he said, breath tickling Raph's cheek. "See how nice things could have been?"

Raph blinked and drew back to meet his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"We could have been like this. If only you were different, Raph."

"Mike…" Raph's hand went to his gut. Suddenly his stomach was numb, aching.

"You couldn't meet me halfway, could you? You couldn't even try, even though you said you loved me."

Raph reached out, but Mike slipped away from his grasp and rolled out of the hammock. "Hey. Hang on, you can't say something like that and then run."

"No?" Mike moved to the door, throwing a strangely hard grin back at Raph. "So come get me. Make me stop."

"I can't." Raph dropped on his back, the warmth leaking away, following Mike as he went. "I can't move."

"You never could."

"No, Mike. Hang on. I can't--"

Mike looked back from the doorway. "I know you can't." He shook his head, his grin twisting into a sneer. "We all know. You'll never change, Raph. And if I can't love you the way you are, who can? Leo?" He laughed.

Raph swallowed. His head dropped to the pillow, suddenly heavy. He couldn't move his legs. His gut was on fire. "Mikey, wait."

"For what? I've known you all our lives, Raph. There's nothing to wait for."

He dragged his eyes up, lifting his head off the pillow just enough to see Mike silhouetted in the doorway. "Please."

Even though Mike hadn't been wearing an eyeband, suddenly the turtle in the doorway was. Not orange, though. Blue. And it was Leo who answered Raph, his eyes lit in amusement. "Wipe your own ass, Raph."

"Wait." He tried to reach out, but his arms stayed weighed down at his sides. So heavy they made dents in the mattress, and why couldn't he move? Why wouldn't Leo stay? "Wait."

Leo just laughed. "Don't fool yourself. You weren't good enough for me before this, how could you possibly be good enough now?"

He shut his eyes.

"Raph."

He groaned. Don's voice now. Not Don.

"Raph, hey."

"Just go." He screwed his eyes shut tighter, unwilling to look at mockery on his most gentle brother's face.

"Raph?"

A touch on his arm made him twitch, and he blinked into sudden bright light. "Wha?"

Don grinned down at him. "Morning."

Raph blinked grainy eyes. He was in Leo's room. In Leo's bed.

Jesus, what kind of fucked up dream had Don interrupted?

He rubbed at his eyes with a careful, heavy arm. "No more pills."

Don studied him. "We've talked about that."

"No. More. Pills." He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes to clear away the images of that dream. Mike sneering, and Leo laughing. And Jesus, didn't his subconscious mind know how to at least be subtle?

Don let out a breath. "We'll talk about it later. Right now you've got things to do."

Raph snorted, glaring down the bed at his helpless body. "I've got shitting myself down to a fucking science, Don. What else do I have to do?"

Don winced.

Raph almost took the words back, but his mouth pressed shut.

"Well." Don swallowed, then kept on in a bright, false tone. "According to Leo you're worried about losing muscle tone, so we're going to start you on a little physical therapy."

"Great." Raph's head dropped back against the pillow. "Who drew the short straw?" And in a part of his mind he wished he could just cut out of himself, he hoped it was Leo.

Fucking idiot.

"Actually. There was a volunteer." Don glanced back over his shoulder.

Raph frowned and tried to see past him, but Don's shell blocked his view.

There was no mistaking the voice, though. "Well, well. Look who's suddenly at my mercy."

Despite everything, Raph grinned. "I thought you forgot where we lived, asshole."

Casey moved in, his sports bag slung over his shoulder, his smile big and goofy and so fucking welcome Raph almost wanted to cry. "Don't blame me. These clowns kept chasing me off."

Raph glanced at Don.

Don raised his hands and stood. "You both know why, so don't bother asking. I'll leave you alone. Casey, you remember what we talked about."

"Yeah, yeah." Casey moved with him to the door.

Raph's smile faded a little. What had they talked about? What the fuck did Casey know about him now that Raph would have never admitted to his pal if he'd had a choice?

Casey ushered Don out the door and grinned back at Raph. "Heh."

Raph's smile returned reluctantly. "What?"

"Are you crazy?" Casey's voice pitched loud, almost a shout. "You're on pain pills, Raph. You know I would never give you alcohol."

Raph blinked. "Who said anything about alcohol?"

"Don't argue. I'm all about being responsible." Casey spoke towards the crack in the door as he pushed it slowly shut. "We're going to do whatever it takes to get you healthy again, and that means no beer. None at all."

He clicked the lock on the door and turned to Raph, beaming.

"Jesus." Raph chuckled despite himself. "You're subtle."

"Shut up and be grateful." Casey moved in and dropped his bag on the bed beside Raph, unzipping with flare and pulling out a six pack.

"You're my best friend." Raph took the beer Casey handed out, squirming to try to sit up.

"Hey. Watch it." Casey set the rest of the pack on the table and dropped his bag to the floor. He leaned in. "You hurt yourself and Doctor-tello will have my ass."

Raph rolled his eyes, but Casey's movements were surprisingly sure as he helped Raph sit up, moving the pillows under his shell so he could lean back against them. The bandage covering the lower half of his plastron bunched a little, and he could feel the pull of healing underneath. But he managed to make it mostly upright without causing any damage.

Casey leaned back and surveyed him, then grinned again and grabbed a bottle for himself. "Here's to therapy."

Raph chuckled and clinked the bottles in toast. "Don't know how you managed to talk Don into thinking you know what you're doing."

"You doubt my skills." Casey sighed, but the humor in his eyes faded as he drank a sip. "Kinda scared the shit out of me, Raph."

"I'm getting that a lot lately." Raph drew a swallow from the bottle and sighed happily at the earthy bitterness. Hadn't had a beer since last time he hung out with Casey, which had to have been a week before he got hurt. "Doesn't seem fair," he said with a grimace. "It only takes a second to get shot. I shouldn't have to pay for it for weeks on end."

"That's what happens, bright boy." Casey leaned over and set his beer on the table. He stood and moved to the foot of the bed. "So, look, you shout if this starts hurting. I'm not even kidding about this, Raph."

Raph frowned up at him. "You mean you're really going to fake your way through some bullshit physical therapy?"

Casey's hands wrapped around Raph's right ankle. "I wasn't lying to your bros, Raph. I've mostly been at the receiving end of PT, but you play sports for more than a week you're gonna end up going through some sessions."

Hockey. Raph blinked in surprise. He hadn't even thought of that. Casey being injured playing hockey, blowing out his knee. Jesus.

Funny, the things you don't know about a person you're close to.

Casey grinned at the look on Raph's face. "Alright, we're gonna take this slow. Stretch things out more than anything, since you've been laying on your fat butt for a while."

"Fuck you," Raph retorted mildly.

Casey smiled. He lifted Raph's foot. "You want to fill me in on what I've missed?"

So Raph did - somewhat. His version of the last few weeks was highly edited, leaving out the worst things. Still, while he talked he saw the glitter of knowledge in Casey's eyes and wondered if he couldn't guess at most of the blanks.

As he talked, slowly going through waking up and being force-fed pills and having fucked up dreams, Casey stretched his legs out, one then the other. Bending his leg at the knee, he would push slowly into an easy stretch, and more than once Raph's words cut off to groan out sheer ecstasy as cramped muscles were finally allowed to move.

Weirdest thing about it all was that it wasn't that weird. Raph would have figured a couple of good-times pals like them wouldn't have taken to this so easily.

Maybe later he'd have to think about the idea of considering giving Casey some credit for not being a total idiot.

Maybe.

They went through the six pack.

Casey went through the six pack, anyway. Raph had one and sipped another until he felt the warmth of an alcohol rush. No use embarrassing himself showing Casey how low his tolerance was suddenly, so he faked it with the second bottle.

By the time Casey let him go and came to sit beside him on the bed again, Raph was more conscious of his body than he had been since Leo's sponge bath. But this was a good awareness, not the choking self-consciousness of the last time.

"So you went through all this after your knee went out?" he asked when Casey was draining the last beer.

Casey shrugged. "For a little while. Nothing this bad, you know, but I understand the pain and the fucked-up dreams." He hesitated. "You know, sometimes I think about back then. My PT, guy named Charlie, he was a bastard. I mean, he liked to tell me every frigging session how I'd never play the way I used to. Said every time an injury was bad enough to call him in, it was bad enough to ruin a player's life. Because the real bad shit? It doesn't just heal. Maybe in the movies, but not in real life."

Raph's hand slipped over the bandage on his gut. He watched Casey's face, wondering what kind of pro player he'd have made. What was he like before he got sidelined? A cocky shit, no doubt.

Casey let out a breath. "Broken things don't just heal up, Raph. You know that, right?"

Raph met his eyes, frowning.

Casey shrugged. "I'd've played again if there was any shot. Tried my hardest back then, and gave up. Funny thing is, here I am now chasing you clowns, fighting mutants and ninjas and gangs. Easy to act tough, you know, but a lot of nights I gotta sleep with an ice pack on my leg because it still fucking hurts."

Raph swallowed, looking down at himself again.

"Look, you…shit. Raph, you know I got all kinds of faith in you. I wouldn't've trusted you to watch my back all these times if I didn't think you were tough. But I know you, man. I know how you push. Don told me how scared everyone is that you're gonna do too much too soon and get yourself killed."

He reached out and thumped a loose fist against Raph's arm. "Trust them, okay? Trust me. This is serious shit, and even if you start feeling better there's a hundred things that could go wrong. Could be a year from now when you make a wrong move and everything falls apart."

Raph nodded, but his gut was burning as Casey talked. Burning with something other than pain.

Don predicting he'd be in bed for so long, and Leo talking about all the sponge baths he had to look forward to. Everyone treating him like he was at the very beginning of all this. Like he'd never get better.

He knew in his head that Casey was right. Don had explained about all the fragments of bone and plastron that were still inside his wound. If one of those pieces moved enough to poke at his organs, that was it. He could bleed to death before they had a chance to figure out what was wrong.

Standing might kill him. Walking might kill him. Fighting, lifting weights, racing across rooftops, jumping a Purple Dragon. Patrolling, watching his brothers' backs.

Everything he did. Everything he lived for. Any of it could shift some bone fragment in just the right way, and that would be that.

If Raph accepted that…if he lived the way everyone wanted him to, he was as good as dead. They weren't humans, this wasn't a hospital. No x-rays, no surgery. He was stuck with the cards he'd been dealt, and all he could do was figure out how to play them.

Casey clapped him on the shoulder suddenly, driving him out of his thoughts. "I gotta get out of here. I'm under strict orders not to tire you out."

Raph grinned, and it felt distracted and distant. "Yeah. Don's a fascist these days."

"Tell me about it. For a nerd he can be pretty frigging scary." Casey stood up, dropping empty bottles into his bag, not seeming to care when the clink of glass was more than a little loud. "I'll be back, you know. This…" He grinned. "You know, this can be our new thing. Since the old thing's pretty much fucked."

Raph winced. "Yeah."

Casey noticed. "Sorry. Don't listen to me. When do I ever know what I'm talking about?" He slung his bag over his shoulder. "Gimme a call if you need anything before I come back."

"I will."

Casey hesitated, but Raph wasn't paying him attention anymore. He was stuck in his thoughts, in the echo of Casey's words. Broken things don't just heal.

He noticed from a distance as the door opened and shut again. He heard the muffle of voices, but didn't listen to what they said.

It was strange. The life they lived had never been a safe one. The idea that the fighting could kill them was nothing new. It shouldn't strike so deep to realize that he had one more possible death sentence now than he had.

Shouldn't bother him so much, shouldn't bother the others.

Since he woke up with a bullet hole in his gut, Raph had gone through a lot of shit. He had let himself get doped up. He'd humiliated himself a dozen ways. Had his sheets changed around him like a baby. Got his own ass wiped for him. He'd heard each of his brothers, and his father, and now his best friend, all telling him what he could and couldn't do. All telling him what he had to be now than this had happened.

Somewhere along the way he had settled into it. Accepted what they told him without more than a token fight.

Jesus. What the fuck happened to him? He was Raphael, for God's sake. He fought everyone over everything, and he fought hard.

This laying here, this accepting, it wasn't him.

Maybe it was the beer or maybe it was just time, but Raph felt the silvery urge to piss coming over him.

He looked down at his limp legs, still tingling from Casey's therapy. When he made the choice it didn't even feel that big. It felt like it was overdue.

He was never going to piss himself again.

When he sat up, his body obeyed. When he swung his feet to the floor and pushed himself up, his legs held him.

Ignoring the pain - and there was a lot of pain, eating at his gut with every throb of his pulse - he lifted his chin and fisted his hands, and made his slow way to the door of Leo's bedroom.