Author'sNote: Heh... So... What should I say here? Well, that you have all the right to badmouth me if you feel the need to... I know that I've been horrible and there was no update for a long time. I wrote about the problems with my computer, right? So, it happened that it broke down completely and for good, I was away from home to study and that was the outcome. But! Now, after this irritatingly long time I finally have a new netbook, one without whims and so one, hence the update...
Also, I apologise to my beta and all the people for no feedback from me. I will definitely answer to your reviews now that really made my heart flutter. Once again, sorry for the almost obscene delay.
The chapter is Izaya's POV and not a long one, not action but a monologue of kinds... I just had to... make up his mind on one thing to move things along. You will see what I mean after reading probably. Hopefully, you will enjoy this bit of Izaya's thoughts :)
Florence and the Machine - The Hardest of Hearts
"There is love in your body but you can't get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth"
The brute has left. I was finally alone, free from the other's annoying presence. Well, it should be that way at least... Yet, despite me now being the only occupant of my house, there wasn't place for privacy even in my own thoughts. The fact that my mind refused co-operation in putting everything back in order and forgetting about what should have been forgotten, or put aside if the previous was impossible, would have made me furious if not for the lack of motivation I suddenly felt. Not only my inner self was deprived of it too. My muscles, and hence limbs, seemed to be as weak as a newborn's... I would have think of it as a pain in the ass if not for the highly disturbing connotations it made me think of... Sick! I was sick on the mind! And there was little to nothing I could do about it... I just let myself be swept away like a fool and now finding the way back appeared to be of the same probability as meeting a bloody unicorn in the middle of Tokyo's busy streets... Though, somehow, even that silly notion had a higher percentage of occurring... And it certainly wasn't helping that the place for my depressing-like pondering was the same couch that no more than two hours before served as Shizu-chan's bed. The stupid brute's scent lingered on it and attacked my nostrils with every intake of breath. A self-imposed torture...? That kind of miserable being I have become? Not to mention that the protozoan's scent wasn't the only thing that... lingered... I could still feel the warmth of his touch as if it was imprinted on my skin... Yes... torture at best...
Yet, who was there to blame it on? Ahhh... Shizu-chan would be the ideal answer in this situation, though... no matter how perfect it seemed to be – making him the one responsible for the whole... ordeal... - 'it' not being exactly 'true' posed a certain problem... I was simply far over the stage of blatantly lying to myself, which I deemed as a kind of an art in a way – up to this point at least – and was a master at – seemingly up to this point as well... Certainly, it wasn't the only 'notion' concerning my persona 'up to this point'... The level of changes that took place was astounding. What meant me being faced up with a reality that I refused to acknowledge; stubbornly, continuously so... I was in a place where I knew almost all of the facts, but stopped right before interpreting them. In other words, there was an outline of my... feelings about the current situation in my head, yet it was vague and blear. I tried staying adamant on keeping it that way. I really, really tried with all of my recently impaired pride and what was worse - will, however, the results presented themselves as annoyingly meek and unsatisfactory. No need to say that I was quite agitated, right? The hell with euphemisms...! I was utterly and royally pissed off! Though, not sure if more at myself or at the world itself for letting this situation develop in the first place...
Like waves, memories of me succumbing to the pleasure of Shizu-chan's hands on my body, of his hot breath on my over-sensitised skin and his eyes boring into mine washed over me repetitively. They irked me and stirred me in so many ways that there was no place left for other matters to occupy me; my work suddenly on the other plan. It should be unthinkable, but somehow that wasn't the case... My mobile phone was laying somewhere on my desk – ignored. The same went for my computers and papers. I was as good as in a coma now or in a catatonic-like state. A weakling against my own emotions...
Maybe every other man would have put the blame on sexual deprivation...? And as the need for physical contact and sexual gratification could indeed be a great motivation for most of the human beings, fuelling their desires and pushing them into certain actions, I wasn't eager to qualify myself into that particular category.
And I'm not an idiot in denial here... I'm not stating that I have no sexual appetite to speak of... I have what one could call... needs and urges of the kind. It would be impossible to ignore the times when I initiated the kisses between me and the brute and when I was the first one to touch him and then... let him touch me in return. I've slept with some people in the past as well and, once again, it was my own initiative. The reasons for that might have differed, still, I wouldn't have done that without my body's total disinterest in the activity. Despite that, I simply thought of myself as a one without an overly high libido... I wasn't a Don Juan no matter what opinions circulated around the city. So, the said libido was there, but it could stay dormant for some time without me being highly bothered by it. Besides, I was a busy person, a workaholic at times... I had no time to fool around for the sheer fun of it... Though, the 'busy' and 'workaholic' part weren't that much of a truth nowadays... The heck! If things progressed the way they did now, the 'without an overly high libido' won't hold out the passage of time too...
And to think that it took one silly earthquake to start the chain reaction... Well, it all seemed to look like one at least. I might have invested into a fucking chastity belt if I could have predicted the outcome of it! And then my dick would have no way to find his way into the enemies hands... And if it sounded idiotically, it's only because it surely felt that way...
Above all other things, there was still the fact of my plan being put into motion not so long ago. The one that was fixed on making Shizu-chan even more berserk than usually – the goal obviously achieved, unfortunately with some unforeseen complications. I fell a victim to my own ambitious plan... Because, as it seemed absurd for me and the brute to have any resemblance of something called a 'relationship', there were sure some... feelings involved. Sick feelings in my opinion, but feelings nevertheless... Uhhh... I guess any remotely positive 'feelings' towards someone appeared as sick to me... One thing, however, didn't want to leave me be... Wasn't it that their 'sickness' manifested itself before me only without the presence of the brute in question? In other words, I felt appalled when in clear mind and to keep it clear suddenly became impossible when near Shizu-chan... I couldn't even call it a hassle any more... It was achingly calling into mind playing a lead role in a cheap drama or romance that some of the humans were compelled to infest themselves with.
And what was Shizu-chan's position in all of this? Now that was the biggest surprise of all, wasn't it? Because who in their right mind would have believed that the monster of Ikebukuro was capable of treating me, Orihara Izaya, his greatest nemesis, in a way that could be only called gentle? Who would have believed that the brute was one to throw his animosities aside so easily in the end? To be the first one to admit his slowly changing feelings? Or was it really 'slowly' when you took all of the years we fought into account? No... it was rather as if a hurricane snatched us from the ground and made us dance without giving an occasion to previously learning the steps. And in spite of my love for what is unexpected, it was near impossible for me to cope with the scale of the changes. Was I fooling myself thinking I am strong enough to stand up to any challenge and come up as the winner? Or maybe it was the form of the prize that was wrongly perceived by me? Fuck! Again, it was the control I lacked here... The one and only problem gathering all of the small problems into a whole. Wasn't I the master of my so called 'fate'? Because it sure looked that I lost my balance and wasn't going to regain it any time soon...
A loud growl of frustration left my mouth and a clenched fist attacked the pillow my head was resting on a moment ago. The punches became more vicious with every passing second, to finally end up in me tearing the said item. I was thankful for my dislike of feathery pillows, as only that rescued me from being covered in a white rain of fluffy mess. And it would certainly not help my anxiety... Though, venting my anger on the poor inanimate object helped me to calm down a bit. The inner child in me revealed itself?
The ever present question of 'what now' re-vibrated in my mind. And indeed, what now? My silly joke happened to end up as a self-fulfilling prophecy of a kind, with Shizu-chan cornering me at my own house that led to all of the later 'happenings'... What was going through the brute's mind now? What if he decided to keep up the act? Shit! It wasn't even an act any more... Shit! What if he was going to treat me that way if we were to meet in public by chance? It could have been an interesting development of the situation before, when I was sure about my indifference towards him and knew that I could use it to play on his nerves in many disturbing ways. Now? How was I to know if my body would co-operate with me? The possibility of my lovely humans seeing me in that weakened state, like a putty in the arms of the monster I've helped to create? I would not live through such an ordeal. I would have lost all of my authority as the informant that I am. They would not fear the name Orihara Izaya as they do now... My playground would stop being at my command... That was a mortifying outcome...
Shizu-chan spoke about acceptance and not running away. He advised me trying to take things as they are and not over-analysing them. It was so like him to talk about thinking less as a remedy for my current state... What kind of an option was that? The brain is there to use it, not the other way round. There was no place in my personal philosophy for idle anticipation. I was unable to believe that my problems could be resolved without any input on my side. Though, truth be told, my past actions considering Shizu-chan turned out as a beginning of my downfall in more than one way... If inaction put me on the edge and the opposite to it had me growling in frustration, what was left?
All of the books I've read didn't possess the right answer. Not one philosopher made me want to follow his words in the situation I've found myself, or rather put myself in. It was all in vain... The great Orihara Izaya was cornered in a blind alley and this time no ace was hidden strategically in one of his sleeves. A dead end – I wasn't sure if only metaphorically speaking...
I clicked my tongue in distress and huffed under my nose angrily. Was that how my lovely humans felt when bothered? Was that what they experienced on a daily basis? In all of my knowledge and constant observations I had no itching for being personally affected by their hardships. Not in the way usual for them at least. And if any, that ought to be with my actual consent. So, I knew what motivated them, pained them and how most of them reacted in certain situations, yet in all of my inquiring people-watching I had my special place. I stood behind the glass, sometimes crystal clear and at other times shaded. An untouchable observant who was behind others' reach even if at their hands' reach...
The delicate equilibrium has been shaken now and left me gasping for air like a fish, left behind to dry up in the scorching heat. What a joyous vision it was...
I looked at the torn pillow in my hands and clenched my teeth. Fuck! I could not simply let it be... I still had remains of my pride and resolve. No one, no matter the circumstances, was going to fuck with Orihara Izaya's life without his consent! I might have given Shizu-chan a green light to feel me up and do the same to him, yet I was drawing a line when my work and self-appreciation was concerned. I had to get a hold of myself and I was going to do that despite the impaired willpower.
If nothing seemed to work, I had to change my attitude towards it... The current situation made me feel insecure and lost? I had to face it head first and not let it intimidate me. Shizu-chan's new found interest in me made me lose my footing? I had to think of it as another chase, with a goal that was simply yet to be decided. I couldn't understand his sudden considerate and delicate treatment of me? I had to find a way to disambiguate it. I was afraid of the whirl of emotions that attacked me every time when I was near the brute or when I was even thinking about him? I had to stop considering them as a threat, as they were more frightening when left to themselves and suppressed – if acknowledged, they could become clear and that was more than a start needed to deal with Shizu-chan, with... us.
And Shizu-chan? Well, of him I had to think as a necessity as of now... He was willing to play nice, right? I had seen it in his eyes, shockingly and blatantly obvious. So, I was going to use him as a Thesaurus of kinds... He let himself be ruled by emotions without batting an eyelash – in comparison with me at least. Hence, making him answer some of my questions should be simple for him, with my help that is... And understanding him completely meant being on the right track to understand myself. After understanding was acceptance and that was a step that couldn't be omitted in my way to recover my peace. I couldn't figure everything what I wanted, but what was obvious for me now, was the fact that forgetting without comprehending what was exactly tormenting me was out of question. And using all means possible to win was never a problem for me before. So, it was a fight for the greater good... My good. And I wasn't the first one to say that to get better you had to get worst first, right? Well, it happened to overlap with my current way of thinking. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures... I just had to... remember who I was... How hard could it be...?