Don was in his room. Leo wasn't in sight, but the light was on in the dojo. Mike sat in front of the TV, and Splinter was in the kitchen standing over a warming pot on the stove.

Raph took his time. He wasn't hiding, but he wasn't about to go out of his way to draw attention to himself. He leaned on the wall and took each step with slow, careful balance.

From further in came the bright, tinkly sounds of cartoon voices, the whoosing and clanging that accompanied violence in the kind of crap Mikey liked watching. Raph had never had much patience for overdramatic anime, but he paused his steps and looked at Mike's back, at the colors splashing over the TV screen. He smiled faintly.

He missed things laying in that bed. Stupid things like Mike's TV, and Don fiddling with some bit of wires at the table.

Raph paused and leaned against the wall. His knees felt shaky. Each beat of his heart sent a throb through him like pain, but distant. Nothing he couldn't handle.

Casey must've taken off fast. Probably worried about the guys catching the bottles in his bag, though knowing Casey he was more worried about them telling April what he'd done than what they would do.

Raph's gaze shifted to the closed door of the dojo. Leo, no doubt running katas. It was nonstop with him, even when he could run the things in his sleep. Raph was never sure if he did them so often because he liked things that came easy, or if they came easy because he did them so often.

It was one thing he and Leo had never understood about each other - one of the many things. Raph didn't get why someone would focus so much on a simple pattern of movements. Katas were good for balance, for technique and focus and flexibility. But they were a means to an end. They were just one training tool. Leo acted like they were an end to themselves. Raph didn't see their use outside battle training.

He sighed when he realized he was only thinking about it to stall, to tell himself he was more fit for this trip than he was.

On the other side of the room from the dojo sat their bathroom. The door was open, lights off. Waiting. Patient.

And he would damn well use the thing.

Reminded of his goal, Raph pushed off the wall and took another couple of halting steps.

From further in came the rasp of Splinter's voice. "Michelangelo. Did we not agree that you would leave the volume where I set it?"

"I did!" Mike's voice rang out, affronted. "I haven't touched it. Honest."

"When I view the television I hardly keep it this loud."

Raph glanced over. Splinter was shuffling towards the door into the living room, tea cup steaming in his hand.

His gut tugged, but he kept on his slow path.

"Look at it this way, sensei. You watch shows that have a lot of people yapping back and forth, and crying, and kissing, and that kind of thing. Which, you know, is fine. For you. But it's quiet. This, on the other hand, is quality television. There's a lot of robots fighting each other, and dragons and things. That tends to come across a little louder."

Splinter's chuckle carried across the room. "Your logic is unpersuasive, my son."

Raph drew a breath the moment before it happened. He could feel it, like a physical weight, as Splinter's eyes tracked his movement and focused on him.

"Raphael?"

Raph paused, looking over. His shoulder touched the wall and rested just for a moment. "I'm fine."

Splinter set his mug with a loud thump on the table in front of the sofa.

Mike was halfway standing, craning back to stare. "Raph?"

It was like dominoes falling. The door to the dojo opened, and from Don's room a shadow blocked the light coming from the doorway.

Raph turned back to the bathroom, his jaw clenching. He hadn't been hiding. There was nothing to hide. "I'm fine. Go back to what--"

"Raph, Jesus!" There was a metallic clang as whatever Don was working on hit the ground, and he took off from his doorway across the living room.

Mike beat him, though, vaulting over the back of the sofa. "Are you crazy? If you need something you just--"

"Don't!" Raph held his hands out, his back to the wall.

"--have to ask!" Mike moved in, his brow furrowed. His hands stretched out. "Come on, I can--"

"I said don't." Raph felt his expression hardening, felt the rise of the same helpless anger he''d been dealing with since waking up with a hole in his gut. "Don't touch me."

Mike came within feet of him, but faltered. "Raph."

"I mean it. I'm fine."

"You're not fine." Don approached more slowly, his hands up. His voice was the gentle tones of a zookeeper trying to pacify a rogue elephant or something. "You're going to hurt yourself, and you know that. I've told you exactly what can--"

"Yeah, you have." Raph moved a step along the wall as Don approached. "Stay back, Don. I mean it."

Don hesitated, the concern on his face sliding into confusion. "What's going on, Raph?"

"I'm going to the bathroom." Raph turned, bracing his hand on the wall.

"Donatello, get your brother." Splinter's voice was gravel. "Raphael, you will return to bed this instant."

"No, I won't." He swallowed, but not looking at their father made it easier to defy him. "Don, go back to your room. Mike, you're missing your shows."

"Raphael."

He turned then. Leo, strangely silent so far, had joined his brothers. Splinter stood at his other side. They were a united front, lined up against him.

Raph looked down the line, his eyes pausing on Leo and stopping at Splinter. "If you try to stop me I'll fight."

"What are you trying to do, Raph?" Leo's voice was quiet, but had that same sedative tone Don's had.

It made Raph's shoulders square. He straightened and took his weight off the wall. "I'm going to the bathroom, the way everyone else in the world does it. I'm calm, I'm not in pain. I'm going to do this and then I'm going back to bed, on my own."

Leo's face changed, his eyes narrowing. His mouth thinned. "You know why we can't stand here and let you--"

"No. I swear to God, Leo, I'll fight the minute you touch me, and chances are that'll hurt me faster than walking will."

"Raphael." Splinter moved in. "I did not raise my sons to be cruel. You will not use our concern for you against us."

"Don't!" His voice rose, sharp. Desperate. If he couldn't do this one stupid little thing on his own he was going to break down, and he couldn't handle it right then.

Splinter's eyes were hard, though. He reached out, his furred hand grasping Raph's arm.

Raph fought. Not hard - he didn't have that much strength in him. But he tensed and pulled, stumbling on awkward feet to break his father's grasp. "Let go."

"Stop this at once."

"Let me go." He jerked his arm, and a tug in his stomach made his free hand come up and rest over his bandages.

"Damn it, Raph, you're going to kill yourself." Don came in behind Splinter, reaching.

Trying to stop him. Raph's eyes burned at the looks on his family's faces. "No." He pulled, and when he felt Don's thick calloused fingers he shoved out at it. "Don't! Let me go!"

"Don, stop! Sensei!" Mike moved in, his voice thick and startled. "Let him go!"

"Let me go. Let me go." It was a mantra, almost, dull after Mike's strong voice, but like him though it was weak it was sincere. "Let me go." His eyes squeezed shut against the burn behind them. He huddled back against the wall, his gut burning.

For a moment he thought he really was passing out. Silence came, falling unnaturally as if he had just gone deaf. He stood there, his unsteady legs trembling. Not weak, though. He refused to be weak.

Don's hand slipped away, and the warmth of Splinter's touch left his arm.

He was aware only of the stone against his shell and the swaying floor under his feet. There still wasn't any real pain, oddly. Maybe he was passing out, falling away from it.

But no.

He drew in a breath, and another one, and his fists flexed on his silent command.

He opened his eyes.

They stood staring at him, their ranks broken. Mike was in front of Splinter and Don, but instead of holding them off he stared at Raph as they did.

Raph's vision blurred, but cleared again as a streak of wetness dripped down his cheek.

Fuck that. He wasn't weak. He wasn't going to sob or pass out or anything else. That's what they wanted him to become, and the last thing he would let himself be.

He moved off the wall and turned away from them, moving one foot after the other towards the bathroom.

From behind him came the sounds of Mike's anime, but no voices. No footsteps. He felt their eyes boring into his shell. He stumbled a step and felt like the air around him was suddenly thicker, just like that.

They were waiting. Watching. Wanting him to fall, maybe, or just expecting it. Staring at the inevitable car wreck they thought this was.

But it wasn't.

The anime sounds became the jarring screams of commercials, then the show started again. Minute by minute he moved, and had to fight to keep from looking behind him. Were they all just standing there, watching? Had they turned their backs on him minutes ago, gone back to their own lives? Were they creeping behind him step by step, readying an ambush?

The bathroom door came closer, and the cement floor passed block by slow block.

And then he was there. He stretched his arm out, and the cool metal of the doorknob was sharp.

Like victory.

He moved in, pulling the door behind him inch by inch as he dragged his feet through and inside. He turned to watch the door shut, and his breath escaped him the moment he heard the soft click.

He did it.

He wasn't content, though, until he made it the couple of feet to the toilet. Raph would have made odds, and laid down some pretty serious money, that no one had ever gotten as much satisfaction out of a piss before.

It felt like a win, like he had proven something that no one else believed to be true. But he turned back to the door when he was done, and he realized he had really only made it halfway.

He still had to get back to bed.

When he opened the door and slid foot by foot into the living room, the line formed against him was gone. Don's door was shut. The television was silent.

Leo stood against the back of the couch, waiting.

Raph swallowed. He almost asked where everyone else was, but he figured he knew. How Leo got Splinter to let him take this prime lecture spot, Raph wasn't sure.

But Leo stayed silent, his hooded eyes on Raph.

Waiting and anticipating took too much energy, and he had no reserves. He slipped his hand to the back wall and started to retrace his path.

He could hear Leo's breathing in the silence. Deeper than normal, but steady. He wasn't furious enough to hyperventilate, at least. But he didn't move, and he didn't say a word.

Until Raph was maybe ten feet from the bathroom door, a good twenty feet left to go.

"I hope you proved whatever it is you wanted to."

Raph winced at the sharpness, worse after the heavy silence it interrupted. He glanced at Leo, a hand going to his bandaged gut. "Wasn't proving anything, Leo. I was using the bathroom."

"Bullshit."

The rare sound of Leo swearing dragged Raph's focus back to him. "No."

"If it was just about getting to the bathroom, you could have let one of us help you."

"Every time I've asked before you tell me to piss on myself, like it's privilege enough and I should be glad to do it."

"Beats being dead, doesn't it?"

"Not by a lot." Raph gritted his teeth. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot.

"That's it then."

Raph fucking hated it when Leo made those open-ended statements. Just waiting for Raph to ask, so he could launch into whatever speech he had planned.

But he had time to kill, since it looked like the walk back would take a good hour more. "That's what?"

"That's how you want to die."

Raph rolled his eyes.

"A bullet didn't do it, so you want to drop dead of…what? Stupidity? Selfishness? Stubbornness?"

"Selfishness?" Raph's eyes shot back to Leo. "Oh, the fucking pot is name-calling again."

Leo straightened, his arms dropping to his sides. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Raph shook his head. Too tired for this. Too much distance left to travel. "It means go hide with everyone else, because I'm going to make it back just fine on my own."

"Hide." Leo repeated the word like it tasted bad. "Don was in tears when he shut himself back up in his room."

Raph winced, his eyes dropping to the ground. Left foot. Right foot.

"Do you have any idea how devoted he's been to you? Since the moment this happened. He did things no one should have to do, Raph. And not the cleaning up, or the bathing, or the feeding. He stuck pliers into your stomach to get a bullet out. We were falling apart, every last one of us, but he couldn't. He cauterized the wound with your own sai. Stabbed it inside of you without being the least bit sure it would even help. He could have killed you, even doing the best he could. He had to deal with that. He has to deal with knowing that he can't fix you any more than he did. And you yell at him? You pull away from him, and tell me he's hiding?"

Raph shut his eyes against the words, feeling his way along the wall. He had to swallow before he could answer. "If I owe him an apology I owe it to him, not you."

"Because I love you less than he does. Because I didn't suffer at all, knowing I couldn't even do as much as he did. Knowing that the bullet in you should have been in me."

Raph shook his head. Left foot. Right foot.

"You're surprised I call you selfish? That's all this is. Some stubborn selfish desire to…"

"To what?" He spoke through gritted teeth, eyes still clenched shut. "To want to not wet your fucking bed?"

"Yes!" There were footsteps, and Leo's voice was drawing closer. "Because you know we don't care about that. You know we would clean you up for the rest of your damned life, because we love you that much."

"This isn't about you!" Raph turned, sagging against the wall as he faced Leo. "This isn't about Don or Mike or Splinter, and it's not about you, Leo. You don't understand."

"Then tell me." Leo's eyes were dark swirls, and though he stopped feet from Raph he was close enough that Raph could see the vein throbbing in his neck. "Tell me so I have something to tell my brothers when they ask why you want to kill yourself."

Raph met his eyes. "If you're keeping me alive to be bedridden for the rest of my life, I'd rather die."

Leo froze. His throat worked.

Movement caught Raph's eyes. He looked past Leo to see Don's door open, and Don standing halfway out of the room, regarding them.

He couldn't tell if Don was as upset as Leo said, not from that far away. But he lowered his voice, speaking sincerely.

"Don says there's so way to fix whatever might still be wrong." He spoke to them both, but dragged his eyes back to Leo. "Casey says that even years from now the wrong move might do me in."

Leo regarded him, unaware of Don behind him.

Raph swallowed, looked away from both of them. "That's how it is, Leo. One day I'm fine, next day this is my fucking life. Maybe it's a death sentence, maybe it's not. But I won't hide myself from it. I won't lay in bed and heal and learn to rely on you guys for every little thing. Because no matter how much I heal it won't be enough. Ever."

Leo winced. His eyes dropped.

Raph looked back at Don. "Can you imagine me stuck in bed the rest of my life? It'd be hell for anyone, but…me? You know me."

Don moved in a few steps, hands rubbing his arms as if chilled.

"You know how I am. Do you know how quickly I'd go nuts if I thought I had nothing to look forward to but years of sponge baths and wet sheets? And…" He hesitated, looking at Leo again. At Splinter's closed door, and the TV Mike had abandoned. "Even if you let me get up to bathe, but stop me from training, or fighting, or going topside and patrolling rooftops, it's still a form of death."

"That's not…there are other ways to help us fight. Don's computers, or…" Leo's voice was flat.

Raph shook his head. "This is me, Leo. Not Don. Not you. You know what I'm good at, and what I love. You're trying to take that all away from me."

"Not forever. Just until…"

"Until what? Until you're sure everything's fine and I'm perfectly healthy again?" Raph looked back at Don. "That won't happen. Will it?"

"No." Don's voice barely carried.

Leo tensed and looked back at him.

Don met Raph's gaze. "There would always be a risk."

Raph nodded. "You kept saying that. I just didn't realize what it meant until today. And I can't live like that."

Don's face bowed.

Raph pushed off the wall to go to him, but forgot himself. His stomach seized, his legs sagged. He caught the wall again fast. Luckily neither of them was watching. "I have to do things my way. I have to get up and get back into things. And if I die from it…Don, Jesus. Don't think I don't appreciate what you did. I do. I don't have a death wish, I promise. But if I die from this I'm dying from a fight, which we've always known could happen. We've taken that risk from the beginning."

"It's not the same." Leo turned back to him, his eyes bleak. "This could be prevented."

Raph shrugged. It was getting harder to focus on their faces, but he blinked away an approaching fog. "So can every other risk we take. We don't have to fight. We do because we're trained to, and because we believe in it. I believe…" He swallowed to unclog a thickening throat.

"Raph?"

He shook his head. "I believe in this. You have to let me…" Damn it. The room was starting to sway. He couldn't pass out. Not now. Not when he had to make them listen.

There was a sudden warmth at his side, and fingers on his arm. Leo spoke soft in his ear. "Lean on me."

"I can't." Raph tried to pull away, but his strength was gone. "I can't get used to help. I wouldn't lean on you in a fight."

"You would if you were hurt." Leo's voice sounded odd, pinched. "I've leaned on you before."

Raph sagged into him.

Leo's arms caught and held him. Strong. "I'll get him."

Don's voice rang out in answer, muffled to Raph's ears.

Raph shut his eyes, focusing on breathing and staying on his feet. Leo was a solid support beside him, but the world was still spinning.

"Come on." Leo took his arm. "You stubborn asshole."

Raph smiled to himself. "I'm right and you know it." His voice was cotton-thick.

"Nothing that leads to you dying can be right, Raph."

Raph didn't watch the path to Leo's room coming any closer. He let the fog drift into his head, and as the world got dull around him the tug in his stomach got sharper.

He opened his eyes only when Leo's steps slowed. He groaned to see the bed right there in front of him, and only some miracle of patience led to him waiting for Leo to turn them around and ease him down gently.

He hated that bed. He hated everything about it. It was Leo's bed, and Raph's prison. But Jesus, it felt good to get off his feet.

Leo sat down beside him when he was safely tucked under covers. His hand came out and brushed over Raph's face. "Would you meet us halfway at least?"

Raph leaned into the touch unconsciously, but he was coherent enough to be wary. "How?"

"Let one of us help you get to the bathroom. At least at first."

"Mmm.."

"That wasn't a yes."

Raph cocked one eye open.

Leo smiled down at him. The tightness of tension was around his eyes and mouth, but he was trying. Raph could see that.

So Raph nodded, eyes shutting again. "At first."

"Promise?"

"Pinky swear."

Leo's hand slipped away, but reappeared as warm, comforting weight on Raph's arm. "Sleep as long as you can, Raph. You're going to need your energy for some hard core apologizing when you wake up."

Raph would have winced if he had enough energy. Hopefully Leo and Don understood, but that still left Mikey and Splinter.

Movement swayed the bed, and Leo was suddenly so close that the breath of his words puffed warm against Raph's cheek. "You are not dying, Raph. You hear me? I've got plans for you."

Raph's face tilted, leaning in towards him though his eyes still refused to open. "Mmm."

"Still wasn't a yes," Leo answered, sounding amused. "But I wasn't asking, I was telling."

A warm touch against his mouth, and if Raph was more aware he might have wondered if it had been a real kiss.

Then Leo was gone, and Raph smiled to himself as he settled in to the mattress.

He had done it. Gotten up, fought off protest, reached his goal. He hadn't made it back on his own, but he was still damn proud of himself.

The next day he would wake up and shout until Mike or Splinter showed up, and he'd begin the process of apologizing. Leo was right - he shouldn't have taken his anger out on them. But he'd done what he meant to do, and things had to start getting better now.

They had to.

He slept long and hard and had strange dreams.

And when he woke up in the morning, he couldn't feel his legs.