November 3rd. Ayumi frowned to herself as she stared at her cell phone, looking at the date with a heavy heart. Three years had gone by since that culture festival... since she brought that stupid charm out to try and make their friendships everlasting. If there was one day she wished she could skip or just sleep through, it would be November 3rd. It was weird... the five of them never specifically met up on the day, though Naomi and Satoshi were probably in each other's company. Maybe Yuka was with them. She just found herself too sick to be around the others, the guilt never fading from her conscious. She walked around the entire day feeling too empty to shed tears for her passed friends.
After her classes for the day, she found a nice spot in the library to just cozy up with a nice fictional book. Nothing supernatural, nothing dramatic, just a fluff read. It was somewhat soothing to her pained mind. She pulled out her cell phone, reading that it was almost eight-thirty. Wow, she had really zoned out for a few hours. At least the day was almost over.
She collected her stuff and headed back to her room. Ayumi planned to take some cold medicine to force herself to pass out, at least until it was November 4th. She couldn't stand the constant thoughts of Heavenly Host streaming through her head. She fumbled to get her keys out of her bag, unlocking the door and entering to a sight she couldn't have expected.
Keitaro's hand was up Ren's shirt, their mouths locked in a deep kiss. They were so involved in their own activity, they didn't realize Ayumi stepped into the room. "What the hell?" she said, eyes narrowing at the two as disgust boiled in her stomach. The two stopped kissing, looking at Ayumi in a daze.
"Ahhh, Shinozaki... I didn't think-" Ren began to say. Ayumi knew what was coming. 'I thought you wouldn't be home tonight', 'You two aren't dating anymore', 'This isn't what it looks like', the lines could go on and on and Ayumi had no desire to hear any of them.
"Shut up," she snapped, looking between the two as they finally had the decency to pull away from one another. "This is low, Abe," Ayumi said in a controlled voice. No way was she going to use his first name, the bastard sitting in front of her wasn't the one she once dated.
"C'mon, Shinozaki... this isn't a big deal. Don't blow this out of proportion too," Keitaro said with an awkward shrug. Ayumi couldn't believe what she was hearing. He had been so sweet and compassionate at one point in their relationship. Was it just an act or had he changed?
"This is a big deal..." Ayumi said with a hard glare.
"Why? You still want me?" Keitaro suddenly challenged, catching Ayumi off guard. "It isn't like we're dating... Ugh, don't be so controlling."
Ren was remaining in a guilty silence at the scene unfolding. Ayumi had considered her a friend up to this point, but it seemed she had been misled with her too.
"Screw you, Abe," she snarled, turning heel and storming out of the dorm. She was so pissed, and at the moment she realized she had just given up her room. "For fuck's sake!" she cursed, stomping her foot on the ground. She wanted to cry, but they still wouldn't come to alleviate the building pressure in her chest. "Can I catch a break, once?!"she asked the sky in rage. Of course, she got no answer. Only a few odd looks from other students.
She found a bench to sit on as she debated her situation. Ayumi didn't really have any friends close enough that she'd crash in their dorm room. Her parents' house was on the other side of the city, and she couldn't stand the questions intertwined with popping up. Naomi wasn't close by either, and who the hell knows when Satoshi will purpose. She didn't want to accidentally mess anything up. She leaned back, going through her options multiple times in her head. They kept narrowing down to Yoshiki, which pissed her off. She didn't want to break her rule of not sleeping over his place..., but she also didn't want to sleep on the street. Or in the common room. She sat, staring up at the dark sky. She blinked as she felt water hit her face. She touched her cheek, wondering if she had finally started to cry.
No. It was rain.
It was only drizzling at this point, but Ayumi knew she should just make the decision. She could just sleep on his couch... She pushed off the bench, walking in defeat towards his apartment. There was something inside of her that just didn't want to see him today. She never wanted to be around anyone on the anniversary of their night in hell. It was late enough that she'd be able to sleep. She knew Ren had class tomorrow in the afternoon, so she could go get her stuff then... But... ugh, a room change was going to be hard to arrange this point in the semester.
Ayumi was between seething rage and overwhelming depression. She hated November 3rd. She finally got to his apartment, the rain starting to pick up. It was weirdly appropriate for the mood... A rainy, stormy night. She hesitated outside his door, staring at it in uncertainty.
This was the first time she had come to his place without the intention of sex. She sighed, wishing she didn't have to break her rule. She made a fist, lightly tapping it against his door. What if he wasn't even home? What if he fell asleep already? Ugh, she should have just taken the train across the city to her parent's.
Yoshiki hated this day... It was the sole reminder of how they lost their friends and teacher to that damned school... All of the day, he just felt like a zombie... So he always made sure to take off for it, and luckily, his schedule matched up this year so that he didn't have classes either. That meant it was a whole day of quietly sipping from a bottle of beer, just because it made him feel less like he was there. He'd take passing this day away for a hangover anytime... He didn't chug it like an alcoholic... In fact, through the course of twelve hours, he was only on bottle number two.
He sighed, swishing the beer inside a little before he heard a knock among the rain starting to pour outside. He didn't want to get it... To just pretend he wasn't home... But he couldn't, really. He stood from his seat, leaving the bottle on the counter, and opened the door. He was extremely surprised to see Ayumi. She... would never come around or contact him at all on November 3rd... "Shinozaki? What do you need?" he questioned, his brows furrowing. Surely she wasn't in the mood today... It just wasn't possible on this day... Especially when the weather was so much like how it had been then...
Ayumi wasn't able to make eye contact with him because she felt pathetic. "I... I can't stay in my room..." she began to explain. She felt shame burn her ears. She didn't want to explain what happened with Keitaro. It was too humiliating. "And I don't have anywhere else to go," she mumbled, staring at the floor. This wasn't supposed to happen. The last thing she needed was more awfulness piling on top of today. She had just wanted to get into her bed and pass out... She wanted to mope around and block out the world like she always did. Yet, here she was, being forced to ask Yoshiki for shelter.
Yoshiki looked at her, able to read her shame for having to come here. It felt kind of... bad, that this was a place she wanted to avoid, and he wasn't a person she could depend on... Especially on today, when his mind was prominent about all the sour feelings his self-conscious held onto about keeping Ayumi safe, but never getting a thanks. In reality, he didn't care so much, but in your mind, feelings were magnified, especially when she still didn't see him as viable to help. Despite this turmoil, he would give her a place to stay... He would never deny her when she needed his help. "That's fine... You can stay here," he said without hesitation, moving aside to let her in. He backed further inside before turning and sitting back at the counter. She... probably didn't want to talk to him, judging by her demeanor... He'd leave her alone...
Ayumi wished this could have happened on any other day than today. She could have played it off by initiating something to make her feel like she wasn't breaking one of her rules. She was sure they were both firmly turned off and there wasn't anything that would change that. Mayu... Sakutaro... Seiko... Ms. Yui... they were precious to all of them. Now, the world forgot them and Ayumi found herself struggling to remember their faces and voices. She nodded gratefully as he let her in. "I'll just sleep on the couch," she told him quietly, not wanting to get in his way. Though... it didn't seem like he had been in the middle of anything.
Yoshiki didn't look at her, but felt the need to talk. After all, the couch wasn't necessary... "Nah, you can have the bed... I can't really sleep," he explained in a soft, low voice. He wouldn't voice why, even though she probably already knew... She didn't need him bringing it up verbally, though. None of them did.
Ayumi would normally protest, but she didn't have the energy. Plus, since he wouldn't be sleeping... it wasn't a big deal. She didn't know why he'd torture himself by sitting awake and thinking about it, but she wasn't going to judge how he was dealing with it. "Alright..." she said, accepting the offer. She paused for a moment before just heading off into his room. She let the door slightly cracked opened, since it felt weird to close it or leave it wide open. She took off her shoes and socks, but left her clothes on. She crawled under the covers, shutting her eyes. It was still early, so it took a while, but the emotionally draining day eventually brought her to sleep.
Yoshiki was glad she no qualms about it, because he didn't really feel like arguing. He sighed after a few minutes, just blankly staring at the bottle he held, but hardly drank from. He wished he could sleep... to make it all go by fast, and get it out of the way... But he could hardly even shut his eyes. It was like this every year. He never slept on November 3rd... Not the night he came home from it all, and not any year after that. It hurt, and felt like he was torturing himself, thinking about it all day... But he guessed... it kept them all in his memory... After all, on today, he didn't just think about Heavenly Host... He also thought about those who died, and how they lived, in the single, short year he knew them. He guessed... it made it worth it, to keep them in mind when everyone else forgot them. He moved his free hand through his bangs, his head already hurting a bit. He drunk a small bit and just sat the bottle back down, unable to do anything else but stare.
The decaying hallways felt like the stretched forever as darkness swallowed almost everything near her. Ayumi's heart was pounding in her ears as she passed by the decayed corpses. Some of them were still in the process of being eaten by maggots while others had bleached white bones visible. She was trembling, but she kept moving. She didn't know how she ended up alone, and it felt like she had been traveling forever. Her fear was sucking away at her energy, but so far she had been okay. She looked down at her hands, wrapped from tripping on shards of glass. Her Kisaragi uniform was dirty and disgusting. "Kishinuma?" she questioned, glancing around as she opened a door. The classroom reeked, her stomach dropping as she saw half of a body. Who knows where the other half of the corpse was... "Ms. Yui?"she asked, her voice echoing back to her. Why did she have to be alone? The presence of death made her feel vulnerable.
'Wait... I've done this before,' she realized, brow furrowed in confusion. Reality leaked into her vision, confusion hitting her. 'I got out! Why am I here again?' she questioned desperately, biting back a whimper. Her pace was beginning to pick up as she went running through the hallways. Past the girl's bathroom where Seiko hanged. Past the wall where Mayu was splattered. Past the window that Sakutaro threw himself out of. Past the room that Ms. Yui sacrificed herself for her. 'No, no, no!' she thought, her foot hitting a loose floorboard and she came crashing to the ground.
Ayumi whimpered as she went to sit up, but she felt a weight on her chest that made it impossible. Her eye's widened, her gaze met by Sachiko. She was giggling manically as she pulled out a large pair of rusted scissors, coated in dried blood from countless victims. "NO! NO! NOO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ayumi began to scream, trying to get freedom, but her legs and feet felt bound.
'Sniip, sniiip.'
The rusted scissors clicked next to her ear, an awful taunt. She screamed, frantic memories of Yuki's death terrifying her to feeling this pain again, for real. Sachiko's giggles managed to drown out her screams. The scissors forced themselves into Ayumi's mouth, and she couldn't do anything. She could feel the rusted metal against the bottom of her tongue, the top blade yet to come down. Terror flooded her sensors at she could only wait.
Yoshiki didn't know how long it had been... From when she had left to go to bed, to the time he heard her scream. He just knew, like always, his instincts triggered and made him spring from the chair and move into the bedroom. He pushed the door aside, making it hit the wall lightly, and approached Ayumi. She was terrified, and he didn't even have to think about what. He sat on the bed, shifting her close by her shoulder. "Shinozaki! It's okay, you're safe! Just wake up... and everything will be fine." he told her urgently and in a loud tone, not wanting her to suffer through her memories any longer.
The scissors came down but she never felt the pain. Her eyes snapped open as she gasped, stunned for a moment. She didn't know where she was for a moment, alerted by unfamiliar surroundings. She blinked slowly as she realized she was in Yoshiki's room... When she realized his actual presence, she threw herself at him. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, and her head buried into his chest as sobs began to shake her body. It wasn't an action she put any thought into. Just the relief she wasn't in Heavenly Host and the grief that they had once lived through that led to her emotions exploding.
Yoshiki flinched slightly as she clung to him, not exactly expecting it. Still, he didn't mind, especially if it helped her calm down. He carefully hugged her back, but just in a comforting way. He didn't want his intentions to be misread. "It's okay... You're safe..," he repeated to keep trying to put her at ease, and his voice was softer now that she was actually awake and didn't need to be loud to wake her.
Ayumi whimpered pathetically against him, feeling the same way she did that night three years ago. It was weird, she hadn't really noticed at that time... but Yoshiki made her feel safer. It had been the same way in Heavenly Host, though she wasn't sure if it was Yoshiki or just the presence of another person in general. She choked back her sobs, her mind reeling from the thoughts rushing through her head. "It isn't fair!" she cried into him. "They shouldn't be dead... we shouldn't have had to go through that..." Her grip on him didn't lessen, the effect of bottling all these thoughts and feelings, especially on the anniversaries, were finally boiling over.
Yoshiki closed his eyes and his brows furrowed, feeling a bitterness as the subject was actually brought up. He couldn't blame her, though... She was probably going through a burst of emotions... Maybe it was good to let her get them out. "It's not, I know...," he agreed quietly, but said nothing more. It was probably best to just let her vent by herself. After all, the only person who knew her feelings best was herself, so she should get to be however she needs to be to get over this hill... Or rather, mountain.
Ayumi hated herself so much for ever bringing that charm out. Yes, the blame lied on Naho for publishing the wrong instructions, but they would have never done the charm if it hadn't been for her interest in the occult. "Naomi's getting married, and Seiko should be her maid of honor," Ayumi cried, her heart clenching as she remembered how close the two had been. "A-and Mayu was going to attend University with me and we would be roommates," she continued to cry. When Mayu had told her she was transferring, the two plotted to go to the same Art School. Mayu to learn how to be a production designer and her to learn illustration. Yoshiki's presence was almost forgotten to her, as her ability to filter was gone. She was depressed by their friends passing and the lives they were missing. "They all had the rest of their lives... They deserve so much more," she whimpered. They deserve to be remembered, they deserve a peaceful afterlife, they deserve to be alive.
Yoshiki listened quietly. Even if he felt he should say something, he wouldn't be able to come up with anything... All of it was saddening, if he wasn't already in a depressed state, but through it came worry. She probably still blamed herself... But it wasn't like she could have ever seen this coming. No fault lied with her, nor had he ever felt anger towards her because of it. Naho? Of course. He was fuming when they had found out the truth. Naho had manipulated so many into getting sent there. He'd go so far as to say she deserved her fate. But not Ayumi. She didn't know, and should never be held responsible. Still, he didn't want to say anything just yet, since he wanted the focus on her. She needed to let her emotions loose, and until she notified him that she was okay, he'd give her all the time in the world. He always would.
Ayumi fell silent, her thoughts turning inward as she wondered about those still stuck and those still entering. The charm was all over the internet... but, now one would even notice the disappearances or reality of the charm, because Heavenly Host stole the memories of those people. She released her grip on Yoshiki, becoming aware that she shouldn't be clinging to him as she was. She moved back slightly, her expression dark and her bangs casting a shadow over her eyes in the already dark room. "It should have just been me," she said quietly and bitterly. She was the one who dragged the charm out... it felt wrong that the others had died while she lived. They should have all escaped, and she should have been given the fate of eternal suffering. Instead, they were all paying for her mistake.
Yoshiki easily let go of her as she pulled away, just watching her curiously. Though, her dark expression didn't really tell him that she was okay, which was what he had hoped for. At her next comment, he couldn't keep quiet anymore. She shouldn't feel this way! It was never her fault! "No, don't say things like that," he said sternly with a sharp gaze, "It's not any of our faults. You didn't know... You couldn't have known! So don't think that way, and never think you deserve that." She didn't need to be thinking this way... It was unhealthy, and could lead to something awful, if she let it take control of her. "You only had good intentions," he reminded her. She had only meant for them what the charm was told to do. It was kindness and wanting to put faith in Mayu that they would be friends forever that gave her the idea. She should never damn herself for that.
Ayumi knew Yoshiki didn't blame her. Satoshi, Naomi, and Yuka didn't feel any resentment towards her either, as far as she knew. But, that didn't make everything feel okay. "It doesn't matter if I didn't know... It doesn't matter if my intentions were good. The only thing that matters is the result," she responded, eyes looking down and away from him. "If I hadn't been around, it would have never happened," she said, hands gripping the sheets of the covers tightly. She was the cause to the effect... it put the blame on her shoulders.
Yoshiki sometimes hated her stubbornness and will to blame herself. It was ridiculous. "You know that's not true," he pointed out, trying to change her mind, even if it seemed hopeless, "And it especially doesn't make you deserve any sort of punishment. Besides, it's impossible to avoid bad things from happening. Yeah, if someone wasn't around, some things wouldn't happen, but it's just how life is. Things happen, without our control, or our knowing how our actions will play in the future. It's stupid to blame and damn yourself for this. It's a waste of your life, a life they wouldn't want you throwing away." He wasn't the best of words, and may only succeed in making her feel worse, but he couldn't just sit back and let this take control of her life. None of her friends wanted that, not even the ones who passed.
Ayumi's eyes stayed downward as he spoke. It was true, that her moping and blaming herself didn't change anything. Her desire to take the death upon herself to let the others free wasn't an option. What happened, happened. There was no such thing as having control of the past or definite knowledge of the future. She just wished it hadn't of happened. She'd give up anything to let those four live again. Unfortunately, life just didn't work that way. Also, she remembered Ms. Yui's last words to her... to be strong. She wasn't being very strong right now, was she? She was being pathetic and mopey... They'd want her to live life to its fullest, right? They don't blame her? "I... you're right... I'm sorry," she muttered, tears still slipping down her cheeks. It was a relief that they were falling. "This attitude isn't helping anything..." she sighed, her heart still aching in her chest.
Yoshiki watched her carefully and anxiously. Once she began to talk again, he sat back in relief, loosening his muscles once he noticed that he was so on edge. He smiled faintly, still sad for those gone, but happy Ayumi seemed to get his point. "I'm glad you understand...," he said quietly, glancing away. He gave a sigh as he stood, since she looked calmer now. She didn't need him around anymore, or so it appeared. He'd give her alone time to think, maybe go back to sleep now that she knew there was no point in blaming herself... That was a stretch, but he should still consider it and give her peace. "Well... if you need anything else, you know where I am," he said after a moment of silence, pushing a hand in his jacket pocket as he headed for the door.
Ayumi looked up, alert that he was standing up. It was a jolt realization that she didn't want to be alone. After he spoke, a sound escaped her mouth as she began to protest, but her rational side shut down the rest of the word. She shouldn't go pushing at the boundaries they had to keep up if they didn't want to screw up the friends with benefits deal. Plus, it was one thing to just have sex with him, but getting too emotional with him was probably crueler in terms of him liking her."Aah-alright... Thanks, Kishinuma," she said, trying to cover up the earlier sound. Plus, she was grateful. She felt somewhat better about herself, though her entire mood was still down in the pits.
Yoshiki paused at the noise, turning to look at her. What was she about to say?... Well, it seemed she just wanted to disregard it as she settled for a thanks. He smiled gently at her, just happy he had really helped out. "It's no problem... Anytime," he said before leaving, pulling the door almost shut, like it had been before. Hopefully, another nightmare wouldn't plague her... This day was enough on its own. To have dreams like that... It made it so much worse... Did she normally have those? The thought of her suffering by herself past years dragged his heart down, but he tried to move past the thought. He sat back down with a sigh, unsure if he'd drink anymore tonight.