"-Lily was becoming somewhat… aggravated by the Head Boy at the time," Peter continued, "And… well… as we know that was James and so… anyway, let me just start my story!"
He withdrew a small, crumpled and stained piece of paper from his pocket and began to read…
"Bloody hell, Potter!" Lily shouted as she walked down the spiral stairs from her bedroom into the shared Head's common room, where James was seated comfortably with his three closest friends. There were four glasses of what looked like Butterbeer on the coffee table in front of them, and each had a cigarette in their mouths.
"Evening Lils," Remus grinned lazily at her, it was clear that he was quite drunk, "Go fish," he added.
"What on earth are you on about?" Lily asked him confusedly, before noticing the cards in each of their hands, and the four cards which were laid out on the table beside an ash tray and their glasses of what she now realised was beer, "Oh… Remus I think you're playing poker."
"Oh whatever," Remus laughed, "I've never had a brain for muggle games."
"Its muggle night Lily!" Sirius exclaimed, he was considerable less tipsy that Remus and Peter, whether because he had drunk less or because he was used to heavy drinking was unclear, but she suspected the latter, "Fancy joining?"
"Of course not," she looked scornfully at them, "Potter you're supposed to be Head Boy! You're supposed to be responsible! You're seventeen years old for Christ's sake! I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to have fags and alcohols in school either, are you? Bloody hell! Why are you even here! Why aren't you in Gryffindor common room!"
"Well observed, Evans," James grinned at her, "In answer to your first question, both Terranius Timkin's Tobacco and related products are banned, as are Firewhiskey, Meade, 'Adult' Butterbeer and other wizarding beverages. However, you may notice that we are consuming a fine brew known as 'Heineken', a muggle beer-"
"- yes I do know what Heineken is, thank you," Lily interrupted irately.
"- and Marlboro Red cigarettes, a muggle brand," James continued regardless of her interjection, taking another drag from his aforementioned fag, as Peter coughed in the background, "You may also have noticed that neither product is forbidden by school rules, as it is assumed that students will be unable to procure such things while in Scotland."
"But Sirius here has contacts!" Peter squeaked, "He has this guy in Hogsmede who's married to a muggle who smokes fifty a day and-"
"That's enough now Peter," Sirius shushed him patronisingly, "Anyway, now you know our secret Lils, you have to join us!"
"You wouldn't catch me joining you if you were going to ride Unicorns in the forbidden forest!" Lily laughed, "What I will do is go and tell Professor McGonagall exactly what's going on and put an end to it right now."
"No need to have so little sense of humour, Evans," James said, squinting through the heavy smoke and strange orange light which had filled the lavishly furnished common room, "Just sit down, have a beer, lighten up-"
"Lighten up!" Lily shouted, "I'm sorry for caring about your health, Potter- for caring about the school rules. You lighten the fuck up; it's fucking depressing down here in the dark. Feels like some depressing party after a middle aged funeral."
"Well aren't you charming?" James snorted at her as she left the room, slamming the door behind her, "You don't think the bitch is actually going to tell McGonagall do you?"
"The bitch?" Sirius questioned his friend, "Prongs, dare I say you have become somewhat disillusioned with our dear Lilykins!"
"Wherever would you get that idea from?" James asked sarcastically, taking another sip from his glass.
"So… no more long pining sighs in the night?" Remus asked him with a grin on his face.
"No more heartfelt love letters?" Peter giggled gleefully.
"No more stolen moments thinking about her in bed-," Sirius started, but was cut short by a pillow hitting him in the face. James stood up theatrically, as though he were a world leader preparing to make an important speech. The flickering fire cast darting orange light and grey shadows around the room, making him look all the more ominous.
"There shall henceforth be no more pining over our dear, red headed, female friend," James began, his face turned away from the three boys and instead facing towards the fire, "You know, living in such close quarters with Evans has made me realise something. Girls are annoying. Girls are difficult. Girls are self-centred, arrogant and spend too long in the shower-"
"-you just described yourself Prongs," Sirius interrupted him, "Are you sure this isn't a speech to tell us you're a woman?"
"Is that why you've given up on Lils?" Remus added, "Think she won't love you if you don't have a-, " he too received a large face full of pillow from James.
"To be honest I think Evans has more chance of being a lesbian than ever actually going out with Prongs," Sirius laughed, "I'm only kidding mate, finish your wonderful, awe-inspiring speech."
"To continue," James coughed pompously, facing them now, it was clear he had a large grin on his face, "Evans is annoying, therefore I don't like her, and therefore I am now a free man. So, to conclude, I'm going on a date with Amber Edgecombe. Also, I have taken the excellent decision to move out from the Head's Common room, and return to my rightful place in the Gryffindor tower-"
"-About that," Remus said awkwardly, taking a drag from his cigarette, "Well, this is a little awkward… but we don't really want you back. I mean, we've got used to it just being us three in there, and to be honest, having the extra space is great."
"Oh hah-hah," James said ironically, "Hilarious Moony, you really are a witty one."
"I feel your decision may be a wise one, Mr. Potter," There was a voice from behind them, clearly none of them boys had noticed the arrival of Professor McGonagall and Lily in the room, "I see you seem to be engaging in some irresponsible activity."
"No we're not!" Sirius protested as he hurried to stub out the cigarette which he had just lit.
"Then tell me exactly where in the school rules it says that you are allowed to drink muggle beer and smoke muggle cigarettes," McGonagall said, picking up the red cigarette packet from the coffee table with a look of disgust on her face.
"Actually, Professor," Remus added, "They're not mentioned in the rule book."
"That may be the case, Mr. Lupin," said McGonagall, looking somewhat affronted, "However I do not feel it is prudent for the Head Boy, and one of the Gryffindor prefects to engage in such foolish activities. You are hardly acting as ambassadors to the school should."
"Excuse me Professor," James said somewhat timidly, at least by his standard, "What exactly did you mean by saying that my decision was a wise one?"
"I think I will have to temporarily suspend you from your role of Head Boy, until I can see that you are fit to perform the assigned tasks once more," McGonagall said despondently, "I told Dumbledore he was taking a serious risk in appointing you- I think Richard Bradley may have been a better choice with hindsight, but Dumbledore was adamant it should be you."
"Doesn't he decide whether or not I'm suspended then?" James said hopefully.
"I'm afraid, Mr. Potter, that I remain your Head of House, and therefore the duty of punishment remains with me," McGonagall said quietly, "I shall return in the morning to ensure that you have returned to your dormitory in the Gryffindor tower. Goodnight, Miss. Evans."
The five Gryffindors waited until McGonagall had left the common room before they spoke. Lily was horribly red and embarrassed looking, James, equally as red and furious looking.
"I hope you're fucking happy," James shouted at her, "Got what you fucking wanted didn't you? Now you get all the Head Girl attention to yourself."
"That's not what I wanted you dumb idiot," Lily protested, "I have a test tomorrow and all I wanted was a bit a peace, had I know I wouldn't have-"
"-wouldn't have what?" James shouted again, "Taken any fucking opportunity to get one over on me. Don't you think you've fucked me over enough already!"
Lily said nothing in response, but looked on the verge of tears. She hurtled towards her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
"Well, you certainly handled that one nicely, Prongs," Sirius said with a wry grin on his face, "Good thing you don't want to marry her and have babies any more. She'd have to be a right idiot to ever go out with you after that one."
"… now that may not have been the most… obvious choice of wedding story, but I think it shows the happy couple in a slightly different light that the rest of the stories will," Peter finished, "Lily being somewhat more responsible, and James being… well… himself."
There was a resounding laugh from the wedding guests, "And it's quite clear that Lily is in Sirius' opinion, 'a right idiot'," Peter added.
"Yeah yeah, any excuse to drop me in it Peter," Sirius laughed, before smiling apologetically at Lily.
"Our next speech comes from the Mother of the Groom, Mrs. Potter, if you would like to take the stage...?"
Sorry its been a while! Hope you enjoyed this chapter... it was just a bit of fun really... so :) as always
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