One long, sad step at a time
"As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home
And they're all born pretty
in New York City tonight
and someones little girl
was taken from the world tonight
under the Stars and Stripes"
-Carry You Home, James Blunt
The front of the church was awash in color. Stunning arrangements of flowers in sunny yellow and vibrant orange and crisp white. There had been no doubt in their minds when the topic of flowers had come up that those three colors had to be prominent. It was one of the things that Flack had decided easily and quickly when Carmen and him at sat the kitchen table going through preparations with the funeral home and the head of St. Micheal's. He'd struggled with everything else. The mere mention of the word coffin made him feel sick to his stomach and never mind anything regarding burial or cremation. Thank God Sam had had the good sense a few years back to write a will and what she wanted done in the event of her eventual passing. Otherwise, he would have been a complete basket case and gone along with whatever idea someone tossed about.
It was a small funeral by NYPD standards, especially for someone killed in the line of duty. She'd reqeusted that in the event she died at work, there would be no one in dress uniform, no honor guard doing a twenty one gun salute and absolutely no procession through the streets that took place after most officer deaths. That was not Sam. She was not about pomp and circumstance in life and would not change after death. She was a simple girl who tried to live a simple, quiet life away from the craziness of the job. All that mattered to her was her husband and her kids and her 'family'. She didn't call them friends because to her, they were closer to her than any family could ever be.
The golden oak pews were barely half full. Just the way she would have wanted it. The people that mattered the most were there, along with guys that served under Flack there to pay their respects to their boss, and the top brass and Mayor Bloomberg. How he ever managed to be mayor and Gerrard and Sinclar hang in for that long, Carmen couldn't quite comprehend. And she was surprised that the mayor was even there when the paper strictly stressed that the funeral was for close friends and family only. Brass probably invited him, she thought, as she and Flack, her arm looped through his, took the long walk from the back of the church and down the aisle, feeling sympathetic eyes on them.
"Don't let them come near me." Flack whispered to Carmen, glancing over his shoulder at Sinclair and Gerrard. His tone reminded Carmen of a little boy that was scared of the monsters under his bed coming out to eat him at night.
"I won't." she assured him. She knew he was angry and hurt that Gerrard and Sinclair hadn't offered as much as an ounce of sorrow and did little more than make a thirty second joint phone call to say how sorry they were. And to tell him he was expected back at work in a month.
Off to the right of the altar was a large display board, resting on an easel covered in various sized personal photographs. Sam and Flack alone, with the kids at various ages, with members of the team. It had been a labor of love for Gus and Alexis getting that put together and they'd done a great job. Flack wanted to just ignore it and sit down. Last thing he felt ready for was looking at pictures of good times when he was still reeling from the worst event of his life. But Carmen practically yanked him off his feet, forcing him in that direction.
"Carmen..." he complained, as she began pointing out various pictures and he tried his damndest to look everywhere else. He shut himself off the best he could. He didn't want to look, didn't want to remember. He didn't even want to be there, going through that.
"Please Flack." she practcially begged after several minutes of battling wills with him. "You have to do this. Just say something. At least look. Don't let what you saw in the hospital be your last memory of her. Look at these pictures and remember how she was all these times. Please. I'm trying to help you but you keep shutting me out. You can't do that."
He cast a glance towards the display and felt his chest tighten. "Why are you doing this to me, Carmen?" he asked. "Don't do this to me."
"Because this is what Sam would have wanted. She doesn't want you to shut down and push everyone away. She wants you to be happy and remember the good times. And these pictures are the best moments of her life."
"Be happy? She wants me to be happy?" Flack shook his head. "You weren't there, Carmen. You didn't see her like that. You didn't have to make the decision I did and then sit there while she died. You weren't there. You have no idea."
"Don't you think I know that, Flack? I wanted to be there so badly. But the airline...it's killing me that I couldn't be there and say goodbye or help you decide things. But I made a promise to her that I would take care of you and those kids. She wanted you to be happy and live your life after she was gone. And these pictures are the memories she wants you to have. All these are pictures she set aside in case something like this happened. She did that for a reason and I want you to look at them. Not for me. For yourself. For Sam. Please, Don. Just look."
He sighed heavily and took a step closer to the display to have a look. Carmen knew it was hard for him. That he was suffering and weak. But she also knew this was good for him. To see the happier times. To remember them.
"If I hadn't have taken her off the machines, she'd still be here." he said quietly, moist blue eyes taking in the various photos.
"No. She wouldn't." Carmen told him, looking at a photo of herself, Sam and Alexis taken at last year's staff Christmas party. Smiling and happy. She wondered if either she or Alexis would ever smile like that again. "You'd have her body, Don, but not her and everything that made her who she was. You did the right thing. She wouldn't have wanted to live like that."
"Adam's never going to forgive me." Flack said.
"He will. He's just hurting, Don. He's lost the one person he could always count on to be there for him. He's in a lot of pain. But he'll realize that you based your decision on lvoe and what Sam would have wanted."
He nodded.
"You did the right thing, Don." she assured him. "You made the right choice. Sam would not have wanted to live like that. She wouldn't have wanted you or the kids to see her like that. You and those kids were her everything. You'll never know how much she loved all of you. Especially you. From the moment she met you, you were her entire world."
He nodded. A picture captured his attention and he reached out and took it off the board to get a closer look. Carmen saw the tears fill his eyes and she laid a hand on his arm for support and comfort. It was a picture of Sam in a yellow tank top and denim shorts, crouched down in the water at the beach in Far Rockaway. She was holding Kieran, only months old at that time and in just a diaper and a sun hat, his tiny bare feet in the water.
"First time she'd ever been to the beach in Far Rockaway." Flack said, looking down at the picture. "Can you believe that? From New York and she'd never been there? Especially loving the water as much as she did. It was the first time since I've been on the job that I ever took vacation time. So we went to the beach. She was determined that Kieran would love the water."
"And did he?" Carmen asked, a soft smile on her lips.
"He did. He kept kicking his feet and it was the first time we heard him laugh. This real loud, ear piercing kind of shriek and this belly laugh. He's so much like her, Carmen. He's so smart and he likes all the same things she did."
"Except he looks just like you. They all do."
"Sam always kept teasing me that the only reason she married me was so she could have kids with dark hair and blue eyes."
He put the picture back and pointed to another one. This time of the two of them in shorts and t-shirts and ball caps at the Statue of Liberty. "That was after she got attacked at that house on the upper west side," he told Carmen. "We did all this tourist stuff. We were the ones for New York yet we asked some guy visiting from Germany to take our picture. And that one..." he pointed to yet another photo. Sam sitting on the living room floor with Kieran and the twins, in a mountain of wrapping paper.
"Twins first Christmas?" Carmen asked.
He nodded. "They were eight months old and she was trying to get them interested in the presents but all they cared about was empty boxes and wrapping paper. She was worse than the kids, though when it came to Christmas. She was like a kid. She was the one who made it fun for everyone else. She couldn't sleep Christmas eve she was so geared up. She kept buying all these gifts for people and we kept running out of places to hide them. And if you bought her anything, you had to lock it up somewhere because she'd snoop."
Carmen laughed.
"Drove me nuts." he declared. His eyes fell on a picture near the top of the display.
Sam and all the kids sitting on the grass together at the park by their house. Mikayla in her lap and the boys gathered around in their soccer gear. It had been taken only a week before she died. He removed the picture and looked at it closer. Tears sparkled in his eyes.
"You ever think ten years ago she'd ever be a soccer mom driving a Volvo SUV?" Flack asked.
"Nope. She didn't seem like the type at all. With her Posh Spice hair cut and her piercings and tattoos. But she embraced motherhood. She was born to be a mother."
"She was an amazing mother, Carmen. She did better than I thought she would the first time around. I thought for sure she'd be a basket case every time the kid got a cold or fell down. She was a great, great mother. And I was proud of her and respected her so much for that."
He replaced the picture. Noticed one taken on their wedding night in Judge Reynolds' chambers. Nine at night, Christmas Eve. Speed had taken that picture just after they signed the certificate. Flack was kissing her cheek and his hand was on her pregnant stomach. She'd been only five months yet had looked seven much to her dismay.
He'd seen enough. He turned away. It was hurting too much to continue looking. He went and sat in the front pew.
Carmen joined him. "I could always tell she was going to be a great mother." she said. "You should have seen her when we went to Coney Island."
"What happened? She try and kidnap someones baby?"
Carmen laughed. "Not quite. She was just amazing with every kid she came across. She had these unbelievable maternal instincts. I realized then that she made a good mom."
"You should have heard her the time Kieran peed on her when he fist came home. She went to change him and I warned her to be careful and he peed all over her. The language that came out of her mouth."
"I can imagine. I know it was a bit rough on both of you. First time parenting."
"Sam used to check on him every ten minutes to make sure he was still breathing. Hell, she used to check if I was breathing if she thought I was too quiet while I was sleeping. Once, she woke me up 'cause she was checking my pulse."
"Hey, at least she cared."
"Cared?" he laughed. "I think she was hoping I was dead to cash in on my pension and buy herself some shoes and designer clothes."
Carmen laughed as well. "She had to make it look natural, you know."
"She had this paranoia that the surgeon missed something after the bombing and that I'd just up and die in my sleep. Wishful thinking on her part, I guess. And really, she was enough most days to give me a heart attack or a stroke."
"I used to get a kick out of the stupid things she'd do."
"I used to wonder how the hell a woman with that amazing of a brain could do some dumb things."
"We all have our moments." Carmen reasoned. "Sam just seemed to have them more than anyone. Made me realize she was human."
"This one time, she wanted to make microwave popcorn and nearly blew the microwave up. She put the timer on twenty five minutes instead of two and half and went to watch t.v. and forgot all about it. Took a week to get the stink out of the apartment."
"Seriously?" Carmen giggled. "Only Sam could do that."
"This other time, she left the water running in the tub, with the plug in and for some reason went out on the balcony and got doing other things and we had a swimming pool in the bathroom by the time she finally remembered the water was on. I swear, Carmen, all that education and sometimes her brain was in her ass."
"I will never forget that night in the bar when she was dancing on the table and Danny was shoving money down her skirt!" Carmen couldn't help but laugh out loud, which got a few stares from people who thought it was inappropriate.
"And then telling her she'd make a good stripper." Flack shook his head at the memory. "Then she let loose about her and that roommate of hers and you two were doing this crazy stuff on the dance floor..."
"And you and Speed thought we'd gone to the bathroom to have sex!"
"Unfortunately for us, you didn't."
"Hey, you ended up gettin' your rocks off from what I remember."
He nodded, a broad smile on his tired face. "I think that's when Kieran was conceived. Poor kid. We never did figure out when it actually happened, but that was Sam's guess. Can you imagine? Our first born conceived like that? That would give him a serious complex."
"He's a good kid, Don. You and Sam did a good job with all your kids. You know that."
He nodded. "It was all Sam, Carmen. She did all the hard work. I just handed over my pay and she made sure everything was taken care of and the kids had what they needed. We weren't rich or anything, but we took care of them the best we could. They never went without. She made sure of that. She made sure of a lot of things. It's gonna be hard without her."
Carmen smiled understandingly. "It'll be okay, Don. You'll make it. I promise you, you will make it through this."
"I know...I have to, right? For them? They're all I have left of her."
"You have memories, Don." Carmen reminded him. "A lot of good, wonderful memories."
He nodded. "Look, I know that it was probably awkward for you. Seeing Speed again."
"I was a little surprised." she said. That was a tremendous understatement. "Considering the last time we saw him you kicked the crap out of him."
"As much as it still hurts to think about him and Sam..." Flack sighed heavily. He refused to disrespect his wife by even speaking the words. "They were friends before anything else and I asked him to come because I know that it's what she would have wanted."
"You don't have to defend your decisions to me, Flack." Carmen told him.
"Still hurts like a bitch sometimes. When I think that the twins could have been..."
"Well they aren't." Carmen reminded him. "And a lot of us were hurt by what happened."
He stared down at his wedding band as he twirled it around his finger over and over again. "You think she loved him?" he asked.
"What? No. She loved you, Don. Only you. She regretted it as soon as she did it. She knew she'd made a mistake. She was lonely and you and her where going through some rough times and she wanted to feel loved and he gave her that. And as far as he goes...I have no idea what he was thinking or what was going through his head."
"He wasn't thinking. At least not with the head on his shoulders."
"It's time for you to let it go, Don." she said gently.
He sighed. "It's time for a lot of things."
Gus just couldn't sit there and wallow in her own grief when Flack and Carmen were sitting up there trying so hard to deal with their own sorrow and failing miserably at it. She'd never been the type to just sit idly by and watch other people suffering. She excused herself from where she sat in the third pew back with Alexis and Stella and journeyed to the front of the church.
"Hi guys." she said, standing in front of them, nervously wringing a Kleenex in her hands. The nerves a by product of struggling to hold in the overwhelming sorrow in order to be strong for everyone else. Especially her husband. Adam had lost his big sister. His protector and confident. And he'd been going through sheer hell since her death. A lot of rage and guilt and deep, dark depression.
"Hey." Carmen said, as she and Flack stood up. She hugged Gus tightly. "How are you?" she asked, holding Gus out at arms length.
"I'm... coping. I would have been around a lot more and called a lot more but things have been so difficult with work and with Adam and..."
Carmen laid a hand on the side of her friend's face. "You don't have to defend yourself to us." she assured Gus.
"How are you?" Gus asked Flack.
He managed a smile and a nod. "Not good." he admitted and his eyes filled with tears again.
"I am so sorry!" Gus cried and threw her arms around him. Clutching him tightly as she sobbed into his shoulder. "I am sorry, Don. This should never have happened. Not to you and those beautiful kids. Not to Sam. I am so sorry."
"Thank you." he said and rubbed her back comfortingly. "It's all right, Gus."
"It's like a bad dream. I keep hoping I'm going to wake up and it'll all have been a dream. That she'll come knocking at the door with all these kids in tow frantically searching for a sitter on a Saturday afternoon. Or the phone will ring and when I answer I hear her voice. I just keep hoping that none of this happened."
"Me, too." Flack said. "Me, too."
Gus let go of him and pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "I just..." she glanced over her shoulder at all the pictures on display. "Of all people." she said in disbelief.
Alexis and Stella came over. The tall, slender red head that had become Hawkes' wife a little over five years ago embraced Flack tightly and offered her condolences for what seemed like a millionth time since the shooting and kissed both of his cheeks softly.
"How are the kids?" she asked, brushing away her tears. "They didn't come today?"
"I just didn't think they needed to be here." Flack said. "And the boys are dealing with things in their own ways. And Mikalya...she's too little. She doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on. Cries for mommy all the time, though."
"If there's anything you need, please call me or Sheldon." Alexis pleaded. "We're here for you, Don."
"Thank you." he said. And turned to look at Stella. One of his oldest and dearest friends. Who he'd sat with that day in the hospital and listened to her re-count her ordeal with Frankie Mala. Who he had supported and backed no matter what all the years they worked together. And now he could barely stand breathing the same air as her. Because he had trusted her to protect one of the most important things in his life and she'd failed miserably.
"Don." Stella said simply, tears sparkling in her eyes.
He didn't respond.
"I am so sorry." she whispered and reached for him.
He stepped back and turned and went back to his seat.
"He's not ready, Stella." Carmen said to her. "He's just really, really angry right now. He's not ready."
"Will you tell him that when he is ready, I'll be waiting?" Stella asked hopefully.
Carmen just nodded. She saw a familiar face over looking at the photos and excused herself. "Mr Moran?" she asked as she approached.
He turned away from the photos and smiled. "Just Gavin." he said. "Carmen, right?"
She nodded. "Thank you for coming. Don will be glad to see you again."
"Had to be here to support Donnie." Moran told her. "So..." he turned back to the pictures. "This is Donald Flack Jr's other half. She's a beautiful girl."
"She is." Carmen agreed. "Picture in the paper didn't do her any justice."
"No. It didn't." he said with a nod. "How is he?"
"Not good." Carmen admitted. "I could really use your help with him."
"What would you like me to do?"
"Can we talk after the funeral. There's a wake at Flack's house and you're more than welcome to come. We can talk there."
"All right." he said. "Anything for Donnie. His old man didn't show?"
Carmen shook her head. "I don't think he really expected him too."
Moran sighed. "That's a goddamn shame." he said sadly.
Father O'Connor, the head priest of St. Michael's came up to them discreetly and told them they would be starting now. Then he went and delivered the same news to Flack.
"We'll talk later." Moran assured Carmen, squeezing her arm and escorting her to her seat beside Flack before shaking hands with the detective and taking a seat in the pew behind them beside Rick. He leaned forward, laid a hand on Flack's shoulder. "Gonna be okay, son." he assured him.
Father O'Connor requested that the congregation stand and the strains of James Blunt's Carry You Home began to waft through the church. Flack had asked that that song be used. It had always been one of Sam's favorites even though it was nearly a decade old now. It had been played at the service for Clint two years ago at the request of the children he'd raised as his own. And Flack had felt she would have liked the idea of doing the same for her.
The gleaming coffin was brought down the long aisle. Carmen grabbed a hold of Flack's hand and held it tightly. He was staring straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular but knowing if he looked at what was going on, his entire wall would come crashing down. And he wasn't ready for that. After the coffin was placed at the foot of the alter, Danny, already in tears, slipped into the pew beside Flack, followed by Adam. Mac, Hawkes, Scagnetti and Speed came to the opposite end of the pew to sit down. Speed found himself beside Carmen.
She looked at him. Tears pooling in her eyes. Lower lip trembling.
He smiled gently, reassuringly.
"Please be seated." Father O'Connor instructed.
There was loud rustling as people took to their seats.
"We are here today, on this bright, lovely afternoon, with heavy hearts." Father O'Connor began in his Irish accent. "We are united in grief and sorrow as we prepare to celebrate the life and mourn the death of Samantha Flack. A much loved and cherished wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, who at such a tender age, touched so many in so many ways. Who brightened the lives of many and helped those in pain and in need of solace and comfort. Who faced great adversity with dignity and grace. Who loved and was loved. Taken from us so suddenly and tragically with no chance for goodbye. Gone before her time and leaving us with profound sadness that seems impossible to bear."
Danny sniffled noisily. Adam handed him a handful of tissue he'd stuffed in the inside pocket of his suit jacket before he left the house.
"Thanks." Danny whispered and removed his glasses to dry his eyes.
"Yet, it is at this time," the priest continued. "at this time of tremendous pain and anger at the perpetrator of this unspeakable crime, that I urge you all to forgive. As God forgave those who crucified his only son. In great tragedy there must be forgiveness. Otherwise, our lives will not go on as our loved ones wish. We feel terrible anger and pain, but remember it is God's will that these things happen. It is not our place to question the will of our Lord, only accept and hope that one day it will become known to us the meaning behind his actions. We must find it in our hearts to forgive those that committed this horrible crime."
Flack snorted and shook his head. No way, he thought, his jaw tightening. Never gonna happen. Only way that's going to happen is if I get a hold of whoever did this and put them in the ground.
Danny just stared straight ahead. Forgiveness my ass, he thought. All I want is to find the guy and put a bullet between his eyes.
Carmen glanced up at the heavens. Prayed to God and Sam to give her the strength to be brave enough to forgive when all she really wanted was to seek out her own brand of justice.
"At this time," Father O' Connor said. "I ask Chief Brigham Sinclair to come and read for us the prayer to Saint Michael the Archangel, patron saint of police officers."
"You have got to be kidding me." Flack mumbled to Carmen when Sinclair ambled up to the podium. "This wasn't suppose to happen."
"Better not turn this into a political event." Speed muttered. "Better make it short and sweet."
Sinclair fixed his tie and cleared his throat and read from a small sheet of paper in his hands. "Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle; be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray:
and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen."
"Amen." the congregation echoed. And breathed a sigh of relief that when he returned to his seat.
"I knew both Samantha and Don as more than police officers bravely and unselfishly serving our beloved city." Father O'Connor began once again. "I knew them as a couple very much in love with a beautiful family. Four healthy children that I was honored to baptize in this very church. They would bring their children here on Sundays when their schedules permitted. And as all f you know, it is few and far between when that happens. I can tell you, in conversations that I had with Samantha, that she was a warm, intelligent, humorous and beautiful woman. She had eyes that mesmerized and a contagious laugh. She could make anyone smile. She was a loving and caring wife and a phenomenal mother. Seeing her with her children, I was awed at the depth of patience and compassion and love she had for her family. A family that now must face life without the source of such love and compassion and patience and who will need our help to get through this trying time. I ask that you keep Don and his children in your hearts and that you pray that God gives them comfort in their grief and the courage they will need to go on. A husband has lost his wife and children have lost their mother and the shock of that loss is severe."
At the mention of his children, that wall that Flack had fought so hard to keep up came crumbling down. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands as he cried.
Danny, shedding tears of his own, wrapped his arm around his best friend's shoulders and pulled him close into him, holding him tightly and comfortingly. Moran leaned forward and laid a hand on Flack's shoulder.
Brushing away her tears, Carmen reached out and rubbed Flack's back soothingly.
"Samantha also talked fondly of her little brother Adam," Father O'Connor continued. "Peanut, as she liked to call him..."
Adam choked on a sob. Gus moved up to the seat beside him and gathered him into her arms.
"As children they survived insurmountable odds and became adults of great integrity, compassion and character." the priest said. "They were not just siblings but best friends who relied on each other and trusted each other and supported each other. She talked of how proud she was at the man he had become and at all he achieved. And of how much she loved him."
Adam sobbed into Gus' shoulder.
"We remember that even though we can not see her or hear her, Samantha is all around us. Guiding us and lighting the way. She will continue to love us and will watch over us all. The loss is great, the pain severe, but she would want us to smile and remember the fun and happy times you all shared with her. And I promise all of you in this moment of raw grief, that you will be able to go on and live your lies and think of her without tears and feeling sorrowful. And that is what she would want. I ask you all now to bow your heads for a moment of silence for Samantha and for all of our loved ones we have lost."
Flack had wanted to speak. He had prepared something to say just for that moment. But when the time came, he was in no shape to get up in front of one person let alone half a congregation. So Moran offered to it and took the lovingly written words from the younger man's trembling hands and stepped up to the podium.
"I'm Gavin Moran," he began. "I was Don's training officer many years ago and he's like a son to me and I feel humbled and honored to be up here right now. But please bear with me. I am not much of a public speaker.
When I first met Samantha, I knew there was something special about her. It wasn't the fact that she was some feisty little Brooklyn girl. When I looked into her eyes, I saw the compassion and faith she had in every single human being in this world. From the second I laid eyes on her, I fell in love. She had a way of making you want to protect her and cherish her, despite the fact she made it pretty clear to everyone that she didn't need protecting.
It cuts me up inside to know that she's not going to be there when I get home and it breaks my heart because I gave her everything I had and now I can't get that back. I love her in ways I can't describe. It kills me to just thinking about how I'm never going to see that amazing smile of hers and the way her nose crinkled when she laughed.
She was a wonderful wife. She was always there listening when I needed someone. She was the one that held everything together when I couldn't and I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss everything about her. But I know she's going to be up there staring down at me and our kids and making sure we're okay. She's our guardian angel.
I'll always remember the way she used to kiss our kids before bed. A kiss on each cheek and then the forehead. Her own special way of showing she loved them.
To Samantha, the badge was more than something to just carry around. To her it was an honor, an oath to protect and serve, something she did justice to every single ay of her life. Whether it was on the job or not, she always went that extra mile even though she didn't have to.
She was the best friend I ever had and I'm going to miss her with every ounce of my being. But I find solace in the fact I know she's up there watching over all of us. Right now she's probably up there frowning at us for wearing black and looking sad. I'm sorry, baby, but it's hard to find joy when a part of your soul is taken away from you. I love you, Samantha. I always have and I always will."
Carmen stood nervously at the wooden podium, hands shaking.
"I guess I never thought I'd be up here doing this. So I'm not sure where to start. There were so many things about her, I guess I don't think I can get them all down on paper.
Sam was a loving mother, a strong dependable wife and a fantastic friend and above all one of the best cops you'd ever meet. She had integrity and a personal strength that held no bounds.
Over the course of her life Sam over came a lot of personal trials that people should never have to face and at the end of it, she came with a bright smile and wisecrack or two that would have you in stitches for hours.
She always had the power to make me laugh even in the direst of situations. She was the strong one, the person who you could rely, the person who could wipe away your tears in an instant…she just had that power. I could never understand how she remained so positive after everything we saw day after day, but it was part of who she was, she took the good with the bad and you could always depend on her to be there when you needed her the most, even after a double shift, when we were both exhausted, she was still there, ready to listen."
Carmen paused as she choked up, barely able to see through the tears that flooded her eyes, her hands shaking uncontrollably.
"I'm sorry..." she said to the congregation and struggled to compose herself.
Speed looked over his shoulder at Rick. The sonofabitch wasn't even paying attention. He was the only dry eye in the house and Speed now knew why. The guy was surfing the 'net on his PDA. In the middle of a funeral for his wife's best friend while his wife was nearly inconsolable in front of everyone. He wanted to knock the shit out the guy and shove that PDA either down his throat or up his ass.
Rick looked up as he sensed someone looking at him and stared Speed dead in the eye. "What?" he asked.
"You know what..." Speed bit his tongue. He couldn't and wouldn't do that to Flack. Cause a scene. He'd hurt the guy badly enough in the past and Speed couldn't disrespect Flack or Sam by causing a thing. "Never mind." he said and turned around with a heavy sigh and decided the ball was in his court. He got to his feet.
Carmen looked up as she saw him coming towards her. Her heart pounded in her chest.
He stepped beside her, smiled gently and laid a hand on the small of her back for comfort. "It's okay..." he said quietly. "Go on."
She smiled gratefully, nodded confidently and looked back down at the paper in her hands, that hand on her back the only source of strength she needed. Because of who it was coming from. The only man she'd ever truly loved. And would always love.
"One of my fondest memories of Sam is back in the early days just sitting at my place," she continued. "eating pink sprinkled donuts in our pyjamas trying to tempt her into calling Flack. I can still remember dialling his number and tossed the phone to her and the look of absolute horror on her face when he answered, me shouting in the background "she loves you."
Oh man I nearly ended up with that cell phone embedded in my forehead. She was stubborn I'll give her that.
You would not believe the celebration we had when her and Flack had finally decided to get it together. I'd never been happier for two people. From the beginning you could tell that they were two halves of the same soul, and despite the tempestuous parts and the hard times you knew just by looking into her eyes that this was the real deal.
The thing I loved about Sam was the fact she was tough, dynamic and above all Sam Flack was always and would always be a fighter and above all a survivor. A trait I know she has passed on to each and everyone of us today, because we will all get through this.
Sam's probably sitting up there now next to Clint, scowling at us all looking so sad. It is sad, and it damn well hurts that we all lost someone so close to us. A mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, someone we all loved, but Sam would want us to push on to carry on with our lives, be strong for one another just like she was for all of us whenever we needed it.
I think it's safe to say that she's watching over us all right now. A guardian angel in the hearts of everyone of us. Thank you."
"You okay?" Speed asked her.
She nodded. "Thank you, Tim."
He smiled and winked and escorted her back to her seat.
"And now," Father O'Connor spoke. "As we prepare to say goodbye to Samantha, I ask God the Holy Father to prepare a place for his precious daughter in his kingdom and to grant her everlasting peace and love."
He stepped to the casket and blessed it with incense.
"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. We leave this world as we once entered it. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
The pallbearers carried the coffin down the aisle as Flack, with Danny and Carmen on either side of hi, their arms linked with his, followed behind.
There was only one more step to go.
Great big thankies to all of you that are R n R'ing. It is greatly appreciated!! Hope y'all are getting your mail!! Once again, I am plugging away.
Aphina: Devine Intervention and her new CSI:Miami fic Finding Kate
Madison Bellows: What it Means and Brooklyn Bridges and her collaboration with Aphina What Ifs
laplandgurl: Magnet for Trouble
Check them out peeps!! Amazing stuff!!