When the mind's made up
"Love of mine, someday you will die
but I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
no blinding light a tunnel to gates of white
just our hands clasped so tight
waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decided
that they both are satisfied and
illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
when your soul embarks
I will follow you into the dark
The time to sleep is now
it's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
in the blackest of rooms."
-I Will Follow You Into The Dark, Death Cab for Cutie
Thanks to my Montana. She knows who she is. Endless support and great music.
And to the other me over in England. She knows who she is, too.
A.N./ I now call to order a meeting of the I Hate Rick fan club. Mauveine as President, Aphina as Vice-President. All in favor of kicking his ass?
By the time Flack reached the edge of the front yard, Rick was in the middle of the sidewalk, facing the house and was being physically restrained by one of the younger detectives who'd simply stopped by to offer his condolences. The once mild mannered, boy next door Rick Santucci had, in the course of a month, not only struggled with a relapse with the alcohol problems he'd been battling for a couple of years, but had transformed himself into a man possessed. Rick had come so far in his battle with his demons, thanks to Carmen and her unconditional love and support, sticking by him when he nearly hit rock bottom and the threat of having his badge taking away had finally convinced him that he needed some help. She'd been the one to put up with his tirades at home, the one to talk him down out of one of his 'moods'. She'd also heard the whispers that went around work about him and his addiction, made even worse the few times he'd been caught with alcohol on his breath at the start of shift or when he hadn't answered a couple calls because he was holed up somewhere drinking.He'd always just been damn lucky that the brass never caught him or someone hadn't been hurt at a crime scene because of his negligence.
Flack often wondered where that young, confident, warm and friendly uniform officer had ever gone. He would think back to that time nearly eleven years ago when he and Santucci were on the shoulder of that highway, creeping up to that BMV SUV in an attempt to rescue that little baby from its car seat before its distraught, gun shot carrying biological father could do anything stupid. Before that night, before Flack had plucked that baby gently from its restraints and handed it off to that young uniform who carefully carried it to safety, he knew little about Rick Santucci. Their paths rarely crossed. Separate shifts seemed to have kept them apart at scenes and there was never a huge call for a sign language interpreter. But that night, after that baby had been returned to its rightful guardians and the father locked up for killing the baby's mother (accident or not, murder was murder. Only difference was the degree and the time you would serve), Santucci had approached Flack at his desk and asked him if he wanted to grab a beer. Well one beer turned into nearly a dozen and after discovering mutual likes and dislikes and spending until three in the morning talking about anything under the sun, a friendship had been born. Flack had even managed to get Santucci involved with the precinct hockey team.
Which was how he'd met Carmen.
Santucci had actually come across Carmen's path a few times before that fateful day. He had seen her and Sam together at the lab and after Flack had introduced them, Rick had commented how attractive Carmen was and asked if she was seeing anyone. She'd been engaged to Speed at the time and everyone had thought that out of every couple around, those two had the most staying power. Flack had doubted his own relationship many a time, but never Speed and Carmen's. So it came as a shock when things ended as badly as they did. And Flack had respected Carmen's wishes and not brought any of his friends around for her to meet. She wasn't ready for another relationship and didn't know when she would be. That was fair, he'd thought at the time, because truth be told, if his own relationship had ever went down the toilet, he knew for a fact it would take a damn long time to just simply move on.
Carmen had never been much of a hockey fan, but after nearly a year of moping around the house and feeling sorry for herself, Sam had convinced her to come with her to one of the Saturday morning games. Afterwards, as Sam and Carmen stood outside the locker room talking to Flack, Santucci had come along and re-introduced himself. And Sam had taken it upon herself to invite him out to lunch with all of them. It took a long time for Carmen to warm up to a man. She'd been hurt badly and was having a hell of a time healing and trusting anyone again. She certainly wasn't interested in anything more than that simple lunch between friends. She admittedly found him attractive and smart, but she wasn't setting herself up for more heartache. But Santucci wasn't going to give up that easy. Weeks of constant visits to the lab and having flowers delivered to her and the offer of more than several dates had finally paid off when she agreed to dinner. She had agreed mostly to just get him off her case. But she'd found, during the course of the evening, that she actually liked the guy and was attracted to him despite the warnings from both her brain and her heart. The next day, when a box of pink sprinkle donuts mysteriously appeared on her desk, she found herself genuinely smiling for the first time in along time. Two years later, they'd gotten married. She wasn't rushing into anything after the disaster with Speed and Rick accepted that and her.
But now, despite seeing him through emotional ups and downs and the times he was at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, Carmen didn't recognize her husband anymore. This man, red face and screaming obscentities at the tops of his lungs and tossing out threats, was not the Rick she knew.
Or anyone knew for that matter.
Carmen and Speed, standing close together on the grass, were watching in a mixture of anger, horror and disgust as Rick attempted to break free of his captor and go after an irate Danny Messer who was being held back, all be it poorly, by his terrified wife.
"What the hell is going on?" Flack asked Speed and Carmen as he crossed the grass. Seeing them that close together sent an enormous wave of deja vu coarsing through his body. It was like no time had passed. Like nothing had changed.
Only it had been nearly a decade now and so much had changed. So much that it was impossible to comprehend.
"He's crazy!" Carmen exclaimed, tears spilling down her cheeks. "I was just playing with Tim and the boys and Rick lost it for no reason! All day long he's been acting crazy! He should never even have come here if all he was going to do was cause problems."
"He should never have come here!" Rick bellowed, pointing over his buddy's shoulder at Speed. "He has no right being here! Only reason why he's even here is to get close to my wife!
"He's here 'cause I asked him." Flack said. "Now relax, shut your mouth and either go back inside to cool down or just leave."
"He wasn't the one surfin' the 'net in the middle of a funeral!" Danny shot back.
Flack had heard the talk going around that Rick had been using his PDA in the middle of Carmen's eulogy. Hell, he was probably using it throughout the whole service. And under normal circumstances, Flack would have already knocked the shit out of him for it. But these were not normal circumstances.
"Calm down, Danny." Flack said, laying a strong hand on his best friend's shoulder. "You don't need to freak out. So he's an asshole. Let it go."
"That's classic coming from you, Flack." Rick shot back. "Coming from the king asshole himself. Who once drove his wife away by smacking her around."
"Get your goddamn ass of my property!" Flack snapped. "Get the hell outta here. You have no idea what you're talking about. You weren't there when it happened. You just heard the rumors. So shut your mouth, get in your car and get the hell out of here."
"He thinks he can just come here and steal my wife?!" Rick raged. "Walk back in like he never left? Bad enough he showed up at my wedding to take off with your wife, Flack."
"That's not why I was there." Speed angrily informed him. "I was there to try and stop Carmen from marrying a piece of shit like you. Too bad I never made it on time. Woulda saved her a whole lot of grief."
"You fucking asshole!" Rick screamed, his buddy struggling to restrain him.
"My kids are here, Rick." Flack reminded him. "They don't need to hear this or see this, especially when their mother was just buried. Get the hell off my property. Just get in your car and go home. Leave us alone. It's been a long three weeks and I don't need this shit on my doorstep."
"Show Flack some respect." Speed said. "The man just buried his wife."
"Respect?" Rick laughed manically. "Like the same respect you showed him by fucking his wife?"
"Lemme go, Flack!" Danny ordered, trying to fight off his best friend. "Lemme go so I can kill the sonofabitch!"
"Easy, Danny. Easy." Flack stepping in front of the smaller man and laying his hand on his shoulders to force Danny backwards, away from Rick. "Let it go. It was a long time ago. I dealt with it back then. Don't bring disrespect to my wife like this."
"You weren't there, Rick." Speed defended himself. And Samantha. "You don't know what happened so keep your mouth shut."
"I know he slapped around his wife and turned to you and got knocked up as a result."
"I swear to God..." Danny was shaking he was so furious, pointing a finger of warning at Rick from around Flack's wide, strong frame. "One more word outta ya Santucci..."
"That's not what happened." Speed fought back. "Like I said, you weren't there. You don't know."
"I know you you screwed his wife and I know Flack's been putting on this big show for the last seven years. How he's got this happy, loving marriage and the nice house and the great kids. Fuck, two of them aren't even yours, Flack. Yet you walk around like everything is wonderful and great in your life while the rest of us talk about what a goddamn chump you are for putting up with that shit."
"Get off my property, Rick." Flack ordered.
"Ain't on your property. I'm on the sidewalk. That's public property last time I checked."
Danny smirked. "You petty, immature, smug bastard."
"Come on, Danny. Let's go out back and get you a beer." he shoved Danny around and towards the house, a hand on his friend's shoulder, firmly steering the way.
"Why'd you put up with it, Flack?" Rick called after him. "You love her that much? That you'd embarrass yourself like that? Loose every ones respect? Was it worth all that? Ten years of being married to the crime lab's slut?"
Danny Messer was stronger and quicker than he looked. Flack had learned that over the years. And he'd made a mistake when he'd moved his hand from Danny's back. Because Danny slipped past him and stormed back to the sidewalk and landed a hard right to Santucci's face. Catching him in the nose and sending him slumping back against his car with a startled, pained yelp, his hand clutching at his busted, bleeding nose.
Everyone was shocked. No one moved or spoke. It was as if time stood still. Eventually, long minutes passed and Rick's buddy was helping him to his feet.
"You fucking bastard, Messer!" Rick bellowed. "You fucking four eyed geek!"
"Not bad for a four eyed geek, though huh?" Danny needled him, Speed and Flack grabbing him and holding him back from doing more damage. "Next time, you keep wagging that big mouth and it'll be a lot worse. I'll rearrange your whole face."
"Why so defensive, Messer? You fucking her too?"
"You sonofabitch!" Carmen exploded, storming across the grass towards her husband. "She was my best friend and you come here and disrespect her like this?!"
"It's okay, Carmen." Erica was frantically trying to drag her friend away.
"Must be something you guys did up in the lab back then," Rick said. "Pass each other around. Sam and Speed, you and Flack."
"Nothing ever happened between me and Flack. We've always been friends. I don't know where you've heard all this shit..."
"You gonna deny it, Carmen? I've heard the rumors. How he went to your place after he found out his wife slept with Speed. Your former fiance."
"That's all they were. Rumors. Nothing ever happened!" Carmen insisted. "And that was a long time ago! Seven years ago! Long before you and I. So it's none of your business."
"Is that what you're going to be doing now, Carmen? Comforting him? Now that she's gone? Maybe you were just waiting for the opportunity to get in his pants. Well now you have it. His wife's dead. No messy divorce or crazy ex wife to put up with. You can walk right into a ready made family. You know seeing as you couldn't have your own."
"You fucking bastard!" Carmen yelled and added insult to injury by slapping him hard across the face. "You have no right to treat me like this! Talk to me like this!"
"You're my wife!" he reminded her forcibly.
"Well then here..." she yanked off her engagement ring and wedding band and tossed them at him. "Now I'm not. Have a nice life, Rick. A nice, long, miserable, lonely life. Just like you deserve!"
Carmen stormed away, Erica's arm around her waist for comfort and support.
"Where the hell are you going, Carmen!" Rick yelled at her.
"To be with my family. My real family."
"You can't just walk away from me like this!'
"Yes. I can. And I am. Do yourself a favor, Rick. Get yourself a lawyer. A damn good one."
"And get the hell away from my house and my family before I get a dozen odd guys to escort you off of it." Flack added,
"You're a big man, Flack." Rick scoffed. "Can't even fight your own battles."
Flack would have went back and killed the guy where he stood if it hadn't have been for Kieran heading down the driveway, towing along with him a sheepish looking Daniel and a wailing Mackenzie clutching a towel to his mouth.
"Dad!" Kieran called. "Daniel busted Mackie's lip again!"
"Must be something about the name Daniel." Danny quipped, shaking his slightly injured right hand.
"I didn't mean to." Daniel said, his arms behind his back, eyes downcast as he scraped the toe of his runner on the cement.
"Yes you did!" Mackenzie wailed. "'Cause your mean!"
"I'll take Danny," Speed said to Flack. "You take care of this."
Flack sighed and took in his twin sons faces. One wracked with guilt, the other with agony. "You guys were fighting? About what?"
He'd always been the disciplinarian from the day Kieran was old enough to get up and crawl and cause sheer havoc around the house. Sam had always had a hard time scolding the kids and saying no, and laid that kind of thing squarely on her husband's shoulders.
"Daniel's mean!" Mackenzie informed his father.
"I am not!" Daniel protested. "You're mean, wackie Mackie."
"Hey!" Flack snapped. "Enough. What happened?"
"Mackenzie called Daniel a bad name and Daniel punched him in the face." Kieran explained calmly.
"He deserved it, daddy." Daniel said.
"Did not!" Mackenzie argued.
"Did too!" Daniel shot back.
"What did you call Daniel, Mackenzie?" Flack asked. He may have been the strict one, but Sam was the referee and the negotiator of such disputes. And for the millionth time since she'd died, he wished her back again.
"Nothing." Mackenzie replied.
"Don't lie." Kieran told him."I was right there."
Flack looked to his oldest for an explanation.
"He called Daniel a retard." Kieran admitted.
"I did not!" Mackenzie protested.
"You did to!" Daniel said and shoved his brother. "Don't lie! He's lying, daddy! He said it!"
Flack had to physically separate the two before there was more bloodshed. He knew what kind of damage these two could inflict. He'd come home many a time to Sam nursing their black eyes and split lips and various cuts and bruises.
"What did your mom tell you about that word?" he asked Mackenzie.
"Not to say it."
"And you said it."
"Well mommy's not here anymore so I figured it didn't matter and I could say it now." Mackenzie reasoned.
Flack's heart ached at his son's words. Mommy's not here anymore. "Well you can't say it." he told the little boy. "It's a mean word and you wouldn't want someone making fun of you, would you?"
"No." Mackenzie said.
"Then don't make fun of your brother. Or anyone else. That's not nice. Apologize to your brother."
"Do I have to?" Mackenzie wailed.
Flack stared at him.
Mackenzie sighed. "I'm sorry, Daniel." he said reluctantly.
"Apology not accepted." Daniel declared, his arms crossed over his chest, a defiant look on his face.
"Daniel..." Flack said.
"Fine. You're sorry. Fine."
"Apologize to Mackenzie for hitting him." Flack instructed.
"But daddy!" Daniel protested.
"Do it. We don't hit in this house either. Got it?"
Daniel rolled his eyes. "I am sorry I knocked you in the face, Mackie." he said.
"Kieran, take Mackenzie inside." Flack told his oldest. "Get Mrs J to clean his lip up. Daniel, you're coming with me. I don't want to hear any more fighting or arguing or name calling from either one of you. This is your mom's day and you guys need to behave. What do you think your mom is saying right now watching all of this?"
"Nothing." Kieran said. "She can't do anything about it. She can't stop it. She's dead."
Carmen paused on her way by, a look of sheer horror on her face. "Kieran!" she exclaimed.
"It's true, Auntie Carmen. She's dead and she's never coming back."
"Don't say that!" Daniel wailed hysterically and wrapped his arms around his father's legs and buried his face in Flack's thighs. His tiny body wracked with sobs. "Don't let him say that daddy! Mommy is coming back! I know she is! She'll be back soon. I know it!"
Flack stroked his son's hair but didn't respond. All he could do was try his best to comfort him. What do you say when you're having such a hard time accepting it yourself?
Carmen glared at Kieran and pointed to the house. "Get your butt in that house right now Kieran Shaun Donald Flack!"
"But Auntie Carmen..."
"Now!" she yelled at him. "Before I drag you in there!"
"Come on, Mackie." Kieran grumbled and all but dragged his little brother back to the house.
"I am so sorry, Don." Carmen said. "For Rick, I didn't know that..."
"Doesn't matter anymore. Everything he said? It's stuff I dealt with a long time ago. He's just pissed seeing you with Speed. And he's pretty drunk, which doesn't help."
"I want mommy!" Daniel cried into his father's legs. "Call mommy and tell her to come home all ready, daddy!"
Flack sighed heavily and looked at Carmen.
"I am so sorry, Don." Carmen whispered through her tears.
He nodded and scooped Daniel up into his arms. The little boy curled his arms around his father's neck and nestled his head into Flack's shoulder. "So am I, Carmen," he said as he walked away. "About a lot of things."
It was quarter after eight in the evening. All the guests were long gone and the house was finally quiet. Carmen was at the kitchen sink, up to her elbows in soapy water, scrubbing mounds of dirty dishes left behind. Speed had left a little over an hour ago. He had helped Gus take a drunk and barely functioning Adam home before heading back to his hotel to make some phone calls to Miami and get some rest. Both he and Carmen knew that neither of them were ready for her to join him there. Besides, she was devoted to helping Flack with the kids and didn't want to be anywhere else at the moment. And unlike Rick, Speed understood that.
Erica had left two hours ago to relieve the babysitter at her own home. Danny had stayed behind to help clean the hideous mess that had been left behind in the backyard. From where she stood at the sink, Carmen had a great view of the yard through the large window before her. Watching Danny and Lindsay working side by side in a companionable silence, her holding a garbage bag open as he tossed trash inside.
Carmen had been surprised when Lindsay had offered to stick around to help out. She'd said she was lonely and just needed to be around people. People? Carmen now thought as she went back to her dishes. More like Danny.
Danny and Lindsay were not her concern. She had no time or energy to be worried about either of them. It was nice of Lindsay to come all of that way and plan on attending Sam's funeral. It was a pleasant sight to see how much the girl from Montana had grown up. But then they all had grown up in the past ten years. Hell, Carmen felt as if she'd aged thirty years in the past three weeks alone. Instead of worrying about whether or not Lindsay would put the moves on Danny (although it wouldn't surprise her, she was beyond caring), she had more pressing things to think about. The sudden, painful end to her marriage, her admission of being in love with another man, Flack and the kids.
It was hard to believe it was over now. That last step had been completed. It was official.
Sam was never coming back. Instead she lay in wooden box in the cold, dark earth. Alone. Sam had always hated to be alone. She had always craved company. Even when she and Flack were newly married and Carmen had moved into another place, Sam would always ask her if she'd come over when Flack was on nights and stay with her. Carmen would sleep in the spare room so that Sam would feel safer. In many ways, Sam was a child inside a woman's body. She had fears and nuances and weaknesses just like everyone else.
She was far from perfect. She was the first one to admit it. An ivy league education and good credentials and an excellent work ethic did not make up for serious chinks in her personality. All that meant shit in the grand scheme of things. Yet all her faults -little or major- made her Sam. And you either loathed her of loved her. The latter was true for most. People were drawn to her. Maybe because she did seem so perfect yet in the end proved that wrong. It reminded others that everyone was human. That they all made mistakes and made selfish choices and thought of themselves first sometimes. And you accepted her and she accepted you. As is.
The quickly fading sunlight caused something resting on the window ledge to sparkle. Carmen leaned over the sink to get a closer look.
Sam's ring. The tanzanite and diamond 'commitment' band that Flack had given her more than a decade ago. She'd worn it on her right hand since the day he'd proposed and the engagement ring took its place. She never removed her jewellery. Even at work. Which was why it was such a shock to Carmen to see it there.
"She put it there the night before she died." Flack said from the doorway, noticing Carmen staring at the ring.
Carmen looked at him as he approached, carrying three plastic tumblers and an empty sippy cup. She nodded at the water, motioning for him to drop them in. "I was surprised to see it." she said. "Sam never took it off."
"She'd lost some weight with all the morning sickness." he explained, setting the cups in the sink. "She was always really sick whenever she got pregnant. The ring kept falling off when she did dishes so she took it off and put it there and forgot about it. I just left it there. Kinda like she's going to come back and get it. I don't have it in me to move it."
"Whatever helps you cope." Carmen said. "But you know, one day..."
"I know. One day I'll get up the gut to pack up her things. Take off my wedding ring. I'm not going to be ready for all of that for a long time, Carmen."
"And that's your right, Don. You'll heal at your own pace."
He nodded and reached out as he was going to grab the ring. He paused, his fingers just brushing it before drawing his hand back in again. Instead, he went and grabbed a dish towel that was hanging on the fridge door handle and started to dry the overflowing rack of dishes.
"She was telling the truth." Carmen said with a smile. "You do do dishes."
He smirked.
"I need to ask you something, Don. And it's personal and you have every right to tell me to mind my own business."
"Ask away."
"What Rick said, about you hitting Sam..."
Flack sighed heavily and cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry, I..."
"We got into a nasty fight the night she was leaving for the conference," he began. "I was stressed out from working crazy hours and I was pissed at her for leaving Kieran with me and having to do my job and look after him. We always fought about how she though i put the job before her and the kids."
"It happens sometimes, Don. We all do it. Put the job first."
"I know. So we got into this massive thing and we both said some mean, horrible things to each other and something she said made me snap and I slapped her. Backhanded her, actually. And I grabbed her by the tops of her arms and shook the hell out of her and pushed her around a bit. Said some nasty things to her and took Kieran and left."
"But I thought you went to the airport and..."
"I did. But I didn't get there in time. And I never told her I went after her. So in a way, I don't blame her for Speed. She hated me. She had a right to hate me with what I said. What I did. Even now, eight years later, I'm ashamed of myself for it. I would have done anything to protect her, Carmen. I woulda died for her."
"I know. And we all do things we regret. That we're ashamed of. But you guys forgave each other time and time again."
"I love her, Carmen. I'll always love her. We got through some heavy stuff. But she was my wife and the mother of my kids. And I respect her and love her no matter what."
Carmen smiled. "She loved you, Don. Always."
"I know." he said and sighed. "I know."
"I'm proud of you, you know."
"Yeah? For what?"
"The way you dealt with everything today. You're stronger than you think."
"We'll see. You gonna go and see Speed tonight?"
"No. I want to be here. And he respects that. You and those kids are my top priority."
"I appreciate everything, Carmen. You know I do. Don't know what I'll do without you."
"Hey." she bumped his hip with her own. "I'm not going anywhere. Are you?"
"Not that I know of. So you and Rick..."
"Are finished." she told him. "I am so sorry for the way he acted, Don."
"Not your fault he's a prick." Flack said. "As a matter of fact..."
There were footsteps over head. Going across the hardwood floor, from the bedroom above the stairs.
"Get to bed!" Flack yelled. Bedtime was always an ordeal in that house.
"Daddy!" Daniel called from the top of the stairs. "I had an accident!"
"He's been peeing the bed since Sam died." Flack told Carmen with a sigh. "Doctor says it's stress."
"Want me to look after him?" Carmen offered. "You've had a hell of a day."
"He's my son. He's calling for me. I'll take care of him."
"You're a good father, Don. I hope you never doubt that."
Flack just smiled and headed for the door.
"Daddy!" Daniel called once more. "DADDEEEEEEE!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming. Shhhh. You'll wake up the whole neighbourhood."
"Don." Carmen called out to him.
He paused in the doorway.
"I'm serious. Don't ever doubt yourself."
"Too late for that." he said and disappeared.
As the sunlight quickly faded, soft white lights strung in the trees and wrapped along the banister of the deck came to life. The lights had been Samantha's idea. She liked the romance, the ambiance of it all, especially when the team came over for dinner, which was a common occurrence, and the warmer nights allowed them to sit outside. Sam, the girl who once couldn't cook anything that didn't come in a microwaveable container and Flack had once declared able to burn cereal, had actually become a damn good cook. Imagine her husband's surprise when after nearly a year of smiling and complimenting through barely edible meals, she announced she wanted cooking lessons for Christmas. Three years in row. He'd nearly had a heart attack when she put forth the request. Because if he'd ever suggested it, he'd be cooking his own meals and sleeping on the couch. It was the best money he ever spent and she had enjoyed every minute of it. She could make a killer filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes and honey glazed carrots and an even better chicken cacciatore. Needless to say, when she had time, the Flack house was well fed.
Danny easily recalled the evenings he'd spent sitting out on that deck, drinking beer or wine and eating the best damn cooking he'd had in a while, and having some of the best conversations of his entire life with both Flack and Sam. Both of them had grown up considerably the moment Kieran entered the world. They'd become different versions of themselves. And as the years passed and a new life entered the world, they became more patient and calm and loving. And wise. There were times he didn't even recognize Flack anymore. Because so quickly his best friend had changed into an adult. A husband and a father. And he was so much better for it. Sam had changed him. Drastically. Just as he had changed her. And saved her.
But there was no saving her now.
Danny forced that thought out of his head and paused in his clean up to take a swig of beer from a bottle sitting on the banister of the deck.
"It's beautiful out here." Lindsay commented, taking in the lights.
"Brooklyn's idea. She liked the look."
"I can see why. It's very romantic."
"Yeah, she was always trying to turn Flack into a romantic." Danny said with a smile and went back to his cleaning.
"Did she succeed?" Lindsay asked, moving along beside him, holding the garbage bag.
"I guess in a way. He never forget her birthday or anniversaries or Valentines Day. He'd send her flowers just because. He just liked to do things for her."
"Makings of a good relationship." Lindsay said. She watched him as he bent over to pick something up. "You look good, Danny." she told him, as he straightened himself up and tossed the trash in the bag.
"Yeah? Well so do you. All grown up. So how's things in Montana?"
"All right." Lindsay shrugged. "You know, same old, same old."
"You working back in their lab or anything?"
"I don't work at all anymore. I'm a stay at home, cook, clean, take care of the bills kind of wife."
"Seems odd for you. You were always so in to taking care of yourself, having your own space and what not."
"Things change, Danny." Lindsay said with a sigh.
"So do people." he added.
Lindsay nodded. "How about you? How much have you changed?"
"Tons. So much it's staggering sometimes. Got an amazing wife, two great kids. I'm the quintessential soccer/hockey dad. Aiden, my boy, he's nearly the same age as Flack's twins. They all play on the same soccer and hockey teams together."
"Got a picture? Can I see it?"
"Sure." Danny said and stopped his tidying to pull his wallet from his back pocket. Opening it, he flipped the the compartments that stored photos and held it out to Lindsay. "This is the most recent one. Taken last Christmas."
Lindsay looked down at the picture. A little boy and girl dressed in red sweaters and black pants, beaming for the camera. The boy, Aiden, had a head full of blond curls just like his mother but his father's blue eyes and charming smile. And his glasses. The girl, had rod straight blond hair that reached below her shoulders and big blue eyes and her mother's nose and smile. They were beautiful children and Lindsay's heart tugged at the sight, and the thought of them being Danny's.
"They're beautiful." she praised. "Your little girl is how old?"
"Almost four. Chelsea. Chelsea Nicole and Aiden Donald."
Lindsay smiled. "Why am I not surprised with either Aiden or Donald? Did you guys plan that? Naming your kids after each other?"
"Not intentionally. Just kinda happened. The twins were born first and Sam and Flack surprised me with the name. It was an honor, seeing as I was all ready Kieran's godfather. So when my boy came along, Erica and I just thought it was the right thing to do. Flack was so pissed. 'Cause to him, that name is a form of torture."
"You have a lovely family, Danny." Lindsay told him.
"Thanks." he said and put his wallet back "You don't have any kids?"
"No kids."
"Intentionally or..."
"We've been trying for a while. No such luck."
"Things happen when they happen. Some people it happens easier. Shit, look at Flack. Four kids. Who knew?"
"You know," Lindsay commented. "I'm sorry that Sam and I never got the chance to be friends. There was so much jealous and pettiness on my part. I felt so threatened by her. I wish things could have been different."
"You and Brooklyn were polar opposites." Danny said. "Some times, you can't be friends with everyone."
"I just regret that we didn't at least try."
"Too late for regrets, Montana. It's long over and done with."
"There's just lots of things I'd take back." Lindsay sighed.
"Me, too. But life don't work like that." Danny said.
Lindsay glanced around the backyard and at the house behind them. "It seemed like Sam and Flack were really happy. Nice house, adorable kids. You know, that was a couple I never imagined would have staying power."
"They were happy. They loved each other. Totally. But trust me, they had to work damn hard to hold it together sometimes. Never lost faith in each other though."
"I can imagine it wasn't always easy for her living with a guy like Flack." Lindsay commented.
"It wasn't always easy for him living with Sam either. Flack's a good guy. Takes a strong man to fo what he did. And he's better for it."
"What's that mean?" Lindsay frowned. "Do what he did? I heard some talk that the twins weren't his, but..."
"That's no one elses business." Danny was quick to defend his best friend. "And I ain't adding fuel to the fire. What's done is done. So tell me, what's up with you and the senator's son? Thought you were with the daddy first?"
"Not for long. The daddy wanted a young trophy wife. That's not me. My husband wanted the real deal. Someone to love and to love him. I didn't start with him until after the father."
"Don't feel the need to defend yourself to me, Montana. As long as your happy. Are you, happy?"
"Most days." she admitted. "Money to burn, no real responsibility."
"Sounds all right to me." Danny commented. "So what gives?"
"I miss you, Danny. I've missed you for ten years now. I think about you every day. Every second of every day, in fact. I never stopped loving you." Lindsay poured it all out, laid all her cards on the table.
Danny appeared stunned at first. Pausing mid task, staring at her with wide eyes. Then, after her words sank in and registered, he simply continued with his task.
"Tell me the truth, Montana. You come all this way for Sam or for me?"
She didn't answer.
"'Cause if it's the latter, you wasted your time. I love my wife. Madly and desperately. And I plan on staying that way. I look at it this way, if things hadn't have went so bad with me and you, I never would have met Erica. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. The love of my life. Her and my kids."
Lindsay opened her mouth to speak, blinking back hot tears at his words, but was cut off by the sound of his cell phone ringing.
Danny checked the call display on his phone. "Home." he said. "Kids probably. Headin' off to bed, wanting to say goodnight. Will you excuse me?"
Lindsay nodded.
Danny stepped away to answer.
Lindsay smiled through a haze of tears, listening to the way Danny talked so gently and lovingly with his kids, calling himself daddy, blowing kisses over the phone. Then telling his wife he would be home soon. That he loved her.
And she wished with all her heart that he was talking to her instead.
"Can I sweep with you, daddy?" Daniel asked hopefully, as he stood in the middle of the master bedroom en-suite bathroom, getting himself washed up and in a new pair of pyjamas.
"You want to sleep with me?" Flack asked back, pulling the Bob the Builder top over Daniel's head. "Why? I thought you liked your new bed. It's the one you asked mommy for."
"I want to sweep with you. In the big bed." Daniel replied, yawning noisily and accepting a glass of water.
"You're not gonna snore all night and steal all the covers are you?"
"No way, daddy. Uh-uh. That's what mommy does. Steal all the blankets."
"Yes." Flack agreed with a heavy sigh. "She does."
"And she talks all the time in her sleep, too." Daniel added.
Flack nodded, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat.
"Can I sleep on mommy's side of the bed?" Daniel asked, gathering up the t-shirt and stuffed cat he'd brought in with him and following his father's into the spacious bedroom.
"Sure." Flack said, yanking the heavy duvet down.
"With her pillow too?" Daniel's eyes widened in excitement and he climbed up onto the king size bed.
"With her pillow too." Flack told him and waited for Daniel to settle back against the pillows before tucking him in securely.
"When's mommy coming home, daddy?" Daniel asked.
"Never." Flack replied gently. "She's never coming home, buddy."
"Why?"
"Because God needed her to be an angel. In heaven."
"Where will she sweep?"
"I guess on a cloud. With lots of other angels."
"But what about her clothes?" Daniel asked. "Does she need clothes? Won't she be cold?"
"I'm sure that she can get some clothes up there somewhere."
Daniel considered that. "Will she be lonely?" he asked with concern. "What about scared? Is she scared?"
"No. She's not scared." Flack assured him, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Because Grampa Clint and uncle Sid are up there. So she has company."
"Will she ever come home, daddy? When God doesn't need her to be an angel anymore? Will he let her come home? 'Cause I can wait until he doesn't need mommy any more."
Flack sighed. "Daniel, we talked about this. Remember? Mommy has to stay in heaven. She can't come home. She's not allowed to. And she's too far away to call her on the phone or go visit. But one day, a long time away, you'll get to see her again. I promise you that we'll all get to see her again and then we'll be with her forever."
"It's not fair, daddy. That my mommy had to go to be an angel. She wasn't finished being my mommy yet. Why my mommy? Why did she want to leave?"
"Daniel, I know it's not fair, buddy. And I wish I knew why. But I don't. Mommy didn't want to leave. She didn't have a choice. And just because mommy isn't here doesn't mean she loves you or your brothers or Mikayla any less. She'll always love us. Just like we'll always love her."
Danny sniffled noisily but held back the tears. "I miss her, daddy."
"So do I, buddy. So do I."
"You're not going to go away too, are you daddy?"
"Not yet. One day. But not yet. You get some sleep." Flack reached to his side and flicked off the bedside lamp. He'd left the light in the bathroom on and the door cracked open for a night light. He leaned over his son and kissed him softly.
"Can we go and get pizza and ice cream tomorrow, daddy?" Daniel asked.
"Sure. Whatever you want, buddy."
"Okay." Daniel yawned noisily. "Thank you, daddy. I love you."
"I love you, too. Sweet dreams of sweet things."
"See ya later alligator." Daniel chimed.
"In a while crocodile." Flack finished with a slight smile.
"Nite, nite, daddy. You sit with me 'til I go to sweep?"
"I'm not going anywhere, Daniel. Close your eyes and get some sleep. Okay?"
Daniel nodded and rolled over onto his side and nestled his face into the pillow. "Smells like mommy." he declared happily.
Tears spilled down Flack's cheeks. He was beyond even attempting to hold them back now. He brushed the tears away with the back of his hand and sat there in the dark, listening to Daniel's soft breathing, until it eventually quieted to a near whisper and became shallow. It always amazed him how fast kids were able to fall asleep.
Flack got up slowly and quietly and grabbed the wing back chair from the far corner of the room. God how he hated that thing. Some antique cherry wood and needlepoint piece of crap Sam had decided she wanted for Christmas three years ago after seeing it in an antique store two blocks from the lab. It was all she talked about for three months straight. How badly she wanted this chair. How good it would look in their bedroom. When he'd walked in to that store to look at it, he realized how crazy his wife was. The thing was just plain ugly with it's cream colored cushion and backrest done up with delicately crafted, multicolored flowers. Even more insane was seven hundred dollar price tag.
Truth be told, he couldn't say no to her. Samantha had always been his weakness. There was nothing he wouldn't do to make her happy. Even if it killed him. Yet she never expected much and was grateful and appreciative for even the littlest things. But he'd purchased the chair. At least the store owner had given him a hefty discount when he found out he was NYPD. She'd actually cried when he brought the damn thing home Christmas Eve she was so happy. And he didn't have the heart to tell her it looked like shit in the bedroom. She loved it and the smile on her face was like all his Christmases rolled into one.
And now he sat in her favorite chair, where she'd spent hours reading or working on her lap top, staring out their bedroom window into the dark of night, his heart shattered and an agonizing ache in his stomach. He played with his wedding band. Slipping it up to the knuckle and then back down again, over and over.
You promised me, Samantha, he thought bitterly. You promised me to death do we part. That wasn't suppose to come this soon. Why'd you have to go and break that promise? Why are you making me choose like this? You or our kids? You know I can't live without you, that the kids will be well taken care or and loved. I need to be with you. I want to be with you.
I have to be with you.
The phone on the bedside table began to ring, startling him. Daniel moaned in his sleep and rolled over onto his stomach, but didn't awaken. Flack let the phone ring. Knowing the machine would pick it up in a matter of moments.
"Hi."
Samantha's voice. Loud and clear. It caused his heart to nearly jump out of his chest, his entire body to jerk. The hair stood up on the back of his neck. Her voice was cheerful and bubbly. Like it was when she greeted people. So close it was as if she was standing in the room behind him. Causing him to actually look over his shoulder in anticipation, excitement at the thought of seeing her coming towards him. The feeling of elation quickly replaced by tremendous despair when he realized she wasn't there. That it was impossible.
And then he realized he'd forgotten about the greeting on the answering machine. She had recorded it just weeks before she died, the sound of the kids laughing and playing in the background. He was on his feet and bounding across the room in an attempt to stop it, to save himself from the pain something so simple would cause him.
"...you've reached the Flack house. Don and I can't come to the phone right now, but leave your name and a brief message and one of us will get back to you when we're not so damn busy."
Hearing her say his name nearly brought him to his knees. In a mixture of anger and profound sadness, he reached behind the night table and yanked the machine's cord from the outlet.
Daniel's head popped up from pillow. "Mommy?" he asked hopefully. "Daddy? I heard mommy! Is she back after all?"
"Mommy's not here, buddy." he replied with deep regret. "Go back to sleep."
"Okay." the little boy said and dropped his head down once more. Asleep nearly instantly.
I can't take this anymore, Flack thought. I just can't. This is too much. I need to get the hell out of here. I can't live like this. I'm going insane. The kids can't see me like this. They don't deserve this.
He went to the dresser and yanked open the top drawer on his side. Removed a small black metal lock box. The key was all ready in his shirt pocket and he fished it out. Taking a deep breath, he put the key in the box and heard a small click as it unlocked and opened the lid. Inside was his holster, gun and a full magazine of bullets. When the kids came, he and Sam had begun locking their weapons up at night. They'd heard too many stories of little kids getting a hold of poorly stored weapons and accidentally killing themselves or someone else.
He picked up the magazine first. He'd only need one of this bullets. He removed the gun from the holster and snapped the magazine in place with a loud click. He looked up at his reflection in the mirror above the dresser.
He didn't even know himself anymore.
And he didn't want to.
Carmen was in her pyjamas and robe and was just turning down the sheets on the pull out couch in the den when a knock came to the door.
"You decent?" Flack asked without entering.
"Yeah. Come on in." she replied.
He opened the door and stuck his head inside. "I need to go and get some air, Carmen. Clear my head. Think you can keep an eye on the kids?"
"Of course. Are you okay?" she noticed he'd been crying. His face streaked by tears, his eyes red.
"Yeah. I had a little moment when I was tucking Daniel into bed. He was asking me all kinds of questions about his mom. I need to just get out for a couple hours. Do some thinking. Sort some things out in my head."
"Go ahead." Carmen told him. "We'll be fine."
"You think you could stay in mine and Sam's room? Daniel's in the big bed and I don't want him waking up and getting startled."
"No problem, Don." she assured him.
"Thanks, Carmen. For everything."
"You do it for me." she reminded him.
He smiled. "Goodbye, Carmen." he said and closed the door once more.
A chill went down her spine at those words. Flack never said goodbye. He was as anal about it as Sam had been. She waited until she heard him leave the house, the car start and then pull out of the drive, before hurrying from the den and up the stairs. Something wasn't right. She could feel it. She rushed down the upstairs hall to the master bedroom and hurried inside. Daniel was fast asleep in the middle of the bed, clutching that stuffed cat and t-shirt.
Carmen opened the bathroom door to give her a little more light and looked around the room. She was the open lock box on the dresser and went to it. Her heart pounding when she saw only the empty holster.
"Jesus Christ, Flack." she said aloud. "Don't be fucking stupid."
She rushed over to grab the cordless phone, fingers shaking as she dialled his cell phone. He didn't answer after several tries and she left several frantic messages. Pacing up and down at the foot of the bed, feeling light headed and sick to her stomach.
She dialled the first person that came to mind. The other end ringing several times before the familiar voice finally picked up.
"I need your help." she sobbed. "Badly."
Much love to all you of offering your kind words and support. I do this for you guys. I appreciate every single one of you. Even you guys who are reading and not reviewing. Mind you, I'd love it if you did.
Soccer Bitch: Thanks for your continued support. Hope you keep enjoying.
Aphina: Sam can be a little mental. lol. But he loves her. And you're right, Carmen should have slapped her one.
Mauveine: my music maven! You can love as much as you like in this. Sam does some crazy things. But she loves him and needs him and has a hard time just telling him that. And Mac BIG SIGH I need more Mac.
Madison Bellows: I put up this 'future chap' just for you. I had another one planned and then did this one instead. Hope you enjoyed it.
EvaFlack001: I was the queen of pregnancy hormone swings. LOL. I try to write Sam and Flack as realistic as possible. Some peeps just want to read the hearts and flowers and cuteness all the time, and let's face it, that's far from real. I am glad you're enjoying them together. And thanks for your kind words. Especially about my son.
Bluehaven4220: Sam loves to torture the poor guy. And he takes it and comes back for more! It's not all sunshine and roses for them, but the love each other and work damn hard to keep it together.
laplangurl:judging by the 'definition' every woman in the world must be a Mary Sue lol. Oh well, can't make everyone happy. And I would love it if Sam and Kelli could get together. Boy, the talks they could share about their men.
jayfray: Pregnancy hormones. Me and you both, girl! Longest eight months of my life. Glad my son decided to leave out that last month and stop torturing me.lol. Let's just say that poor Flack is in for it.Big time.
raisincookies1: another one of my faithful. Thanks for your kind words and support as well.