Nothing is more painful than regret
THIS IS RATED M FOR SOME MILD SMUT NEAR THE END AND USE OF PROFANITY
"Standing there with him I felt ashamed
And I said, you know I haven't always been this way
I've had my moments, of days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night, on the East Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Looking at me you know you might not know it
But I've had my moments."
-Moments, Emerson Drive
When he'd gotten back to the hotel, Tim Speedle had poured himself a stiff drink from the wet bar in his room and downed the triple JD on the rocks in nearly one gulp. He made himself another and then sat on the bed, bedside phone in his lap, making his calls to Miami. He talked to Horatio last, telling his boss that he needed some extra time off so he could stay in New York City longer.
"Can I ask what for?" Horatio asked. "Is everything okay?"
"I need some time off to spend with my kids." he admitted.
He figured he may as well lay it all out on the table. What the hell did he have to loose? His sanity had jumped ship the second he'd laid eyes on those two boys and his brain caught up to the realization that he was their father. He couldn't shake that numb feeling. Or the anger that coursed through him. And for what seemed like the millionth time since that afternoon, he cursed Samantha and wanted nothing more than for her to be around so he could shake some damn sense into her.
Why didn't you tell me? he thought bitterly, Goddammit it, Samantha. You knew you could have told me. That you should have told me. What the hell were you thinking ? I had a right to know. I shouldn't have had to find out like this.
He could tell by the silence on the other end of the line that his announcement had the same effect on Horatio as finding out about the boys that afternoon had had on him.
"H?" he asked, hoping he didn't give his boss a stroke.
"I'm here. What kids, Speed?"
"My kids. I get to New York and gain twins. Boys. They're seven. Daniel and Mackenzie."
"And the mother? Whose the mother?"
"Samantha Flack." Speed told him.
Silence again.
"I see." Horatio spoke at long last. "And how did…."
"That conference way back when in Philly. We met up there and we were both going through some crap and things happened. I wasn't careful and well, this is the result. Surprise? Pretty surreal, huh? I'm having a hell of a time comprehending all of this."
"Quite the shock." Horatio agreed in that understated way of his.
"No kidding." Speed said and sipped his drink, feeling the burn all the way to his stomach.
"What are you going to do about it?" Horatio asked.
"I have no idea. I don't even know if I want to do anything about it. They've just lost their mother, H. And taking them away from their older brother and their baby sister would destroy them. Not to mention what it would do to their father. 'Cause lets face it, that's what he is. He's taken care of them for seven years. Changed their diapers and feed them their bottles and made them feel better when they were sick or hurt. He's given them a great life and for me to just walk in and say, hey, I'm your dad, would majorly screw them up."
"But you are their dad. You just never got the chance to be."
"I don't even know if I want to be." Speed admitted. "I don't know the first thing about kids and I don't want to separate these kids from their family and their friends and what not. Yet at the same time, I want to be around them and feel responsible for them."
"Which is logical. Why didn't she ever tell you?"
"Don't know. Scared to, maybe? Who knows. And it's too late to ask her. I'd give anything to ask her. To say things I should have said to her a long time ago. The way we left things the morning after…" Speed sighed and closed his eyes momentarily, blocking out the unpleasant memory. "it wasn't friendly and I've felt bad about it all this time. I'd love to take it all back."
"But you can't." Horatio said. "And if you could, those two boys wouldn't be here right now. What are they like?"
"Well, they're fraternal. They look just like me H. Same hair, eyes, the whole nine. One of them, Daniel, he's even got OCD just like me. And he's insanely smart. The other one, Mackenzie, he's more the hell raiser type. Like his mother, I guess."
Horatio chuckled softly. "Enjoy some time with them, Speed. Whatever you decide, make sure it's the best decision for them. How much time to you need off?"
"Not sure. It's pretty complicated. The funeral itself was damn near a three ring circus."
"Well, let's start with a couple weeks and go from there." Horatio said.
"Works for me." Speed agreed.
"Keep in touch. Let me know how things are going. Keep your chin up, Speed. You need anything, don't hesitate to call me. Okay?"
"Okay. Thanks for understanding."
"Well, I know what it's like to get shocking news. I remember very well how it felt when I found out about my son Kyle. It was a shock to say the least. I understand where you're coming from, Speed."
"Glad someone does." he sighed. "'Cause I sure as hell don't."
"Let me know what you decide." Horatio said.
"I will. Thanks, H."
"Whatever you need, Speed. I mean that."
"I know."
He bid farewell to his boss and hung up. Finishing his second drink, he sat the empty glass on the nightstand and stretched out on the bed, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. His mind and his body were weary. His eyes felt heavy.
Yet Tim Speedle knew full well sleep would not come easily.
He woke with a start. Bolting up right in bed, chest heaving and aching as he attempted to draw breaths, his body covered in a slick, cold sweat. It had been a long time since Speed had had a nightmare. He'd been plagued by them after the shooting and they'd haunted him for a few years until Carmen came into his life and rid every one of his fears. He hadn't had another bad dream since that first night they spent together.
He couldn't even recall exactly what he'd been dreaming about. Just that it had been a bundle of mixed up events from the day. From carrying that casket into the church and standing beside Carmen as she fought to keep her composure during her eulogy, to the argument with Rick on Flack's front lawn and sitting with Daniel on the front porch and thinking……
Holy shit, I have kids., he thought now, as his heart rate began so slow and his breathing return to normal and the ache disappear. Not just one. Two. Two kids that I never got the chance to meet until it was under the worst of circumstances.
He was angry. He knew it wasn't right to be pissed off at a dead woman, but he couldn't help it. Seven years of those kids lives had passed by and he'd never been able to be part of it. Whether it be in person or through Christmas and birthday cards and e-mails on their progress or even pictures. She had had no right to keep that from him. Those kids may not have been conceived under the most loving circumstances but they had still been conceived and he'd played a damn big part in that. She had taken the choice away from him. The choice to either be part of their lives or simply give them up to Flack had been stripped away from him and that's what infuriated him the most. The lack of control over the situation.
He didn't want the twins. He didn't want to take them from the only father they knew, the father that they loved and who had been unselfish enough to love them unconditionally in return. Who had been man enough to step up to the plate regardless of whose DNA those kids had. Flack was a damn good father. He loved them and provided for them. He needed them as much as they needed him. And Speed couldn't destroy two innocent lives like that. Rip them away from everything they knew, especially at such a traumatic time. And selfishly speaking, he didn't want kids. He didn't know the first thing about taking care of one kid, let alone two. And he just couldn't give himself fully to such a commitment.
Yet there was that small part of him that wanted those kids to know the truth. That felt as if they deserved that. So that maybe one day they might call him daddy.
What the hell is wrong with you? Speed chastised himself, wiping sweat off of his forehead with the front of his shirt. You're not their father. You were the damn sperm donor. That's all you are and all you ever will be. You weren't in it that night to have a family. You were in it to get laid, regardless who you hurt or whose life you fucked up.
He sighed and checked his watch. Quarter after ten. Still early yet he was so damn exhausted. He'd managed a lousy two hours of sleep. He rubbed at his weary eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, willing away the hideous tension headache he was developing.
Willing away the anger and the pain that lingered inside of him. It ate away at him that he'd left that morning after in such a rush. That he'd been so cold hearted to her and had been unable to meet her guilt plagued eyes and just tell her that he was sorry for dragging her into such a goddamn mess. He never should have taken advantage of her at a time like that. And to this day he beat himself up over the way he'd left things. Over the words he left unspoken .
And now it was too late. He'd never get the chance to say what he'd wanted to say eight years ago.
Tears stung his eyes. His chest ached again. He needed a drink.
Speed got up from the bed and went to the wet bar to pour himself some more JD. Contemplated for a moment drinking it straight from the bottle before grabbing a fresh glass and pouring the amber liquid into it.
His cell phone, discarded beside him on the bed rang noisily. He took a large swallow of his drink and went and scooped up the phone to answer it.
He hit talk. "Speedle." he answered.
"I need your help." Carmen's voice sobbed. "Badly."
His pulse quickened at the sound of her panicked tone. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Is it the kids? Is it you? You guys okay?
"I'm fine…..the kids are asleep…..I…..I need your help…. You're the only person I thought of, Tim."
"What's going on Carmen?"
"It's Flack. He left the house saying he was going to get some air."
"So? What's wrong with that? Guy needs to clear his head."
"He took his gun, Tim. I went into the bedroom to stay with Daniel in the big bed and I saw the lock box open on the dresser. He took his gun and I'm worried he's going to do something stupid. Actually, I know he's going to do something stupid. He's hurting so bad. He thinks he can't get past this. You're the only one that can help me."
Speed was all ready shoving his feet into his shoes and grabbing his jacket and car keys. He'd been thinking all day that he wouldn't put it past Flack to do something like that and had been hoping and praying he was wrong. Over reacting.
"Where is he now?" he asked Carmen, shoving his wallet and room key card into his back pocket as he headed for the door.
"I don't know. I've tried calling him but he won't answer his phone."
"Here's what I want you to do, Carmen. Are you listening to me?" he unlocked the door and tossed it open, hurrying out into the hallway.
"I'm listening."
"You call the lab and get them to tri-angulate on his cell signal. I'm on my way towards the house right now and I want you to call me when the lab gets a hit. Okay?"
"Okay." she tearfully agreed. "I'm scared. These kids need their father, Tim."
"Don't worry." he told her. "I'll make sure they still have him."
Flack stood at the railing of the bridge, arms draped over, gun in one hand, eyes transfixed on the cold, black water below him, moonlight dancing on the ripples stirred up by the steady breeze. He'd parked off to the side of the road a couple of hundred yards away. At that time of the night the bridge was barren. Anyone passing by in car or on foot would just take him for someone stopping to think or just taking the time to glance out at the water and the well light city scape.
He reminisced of better, happier times. He concentrated on remembering the sound of her voice and the feel of her hands on his body . The taste of her kiss and the smell of her hair. The way she smiled and her eyes sparkled. The way she loved him. And their children. He needed these last moments to feel her close before taking that final step to being with her again.
He wasn't scared to die. The minute he'd made the decision to become a cop he accepted death as a stone cold reality of the job, and although the thought of how he would go and when it would happen nagged at him, he accepted it as part of his existence. Waiting for that other shoe to drop. The bombing had obliterated all remaining fear he had. He'd come so close to death. Had prayed for it during the long months of recuperation when the pain was so intense and unbearable. He'd come out of it with the mind set that when it was your time to go, it was your time to go. No bargaining or arguing. Just suck it up and take it.
It was Donald Flack Jr's time to go. He couldn't go on with the pain. It was worse than all the suffering he'd ever experienced before. He couldn't face life without her. Without his wife, the mother of his children. His best friend. He didn't even want to try. Everything had been snatched away so unexpectedly and quickly from him. And he couldn't get it back.
She'd forgive him. She'd be pissed at first, but she'd forgive him and understand. It was because of how much he loved her. Adored her. Because of how she'd walked into his dull, lonely, predictable life without warning and transformed it, and him, into something so amazing and surreal.
If only I'd convinced her to stay home from work that day. She was all ready late. Missing one day would not have been the end of the world. If I'd only said all those things I should have said for so long. If I had have told her I loved her and appreciated her more often. If I had just begged her for forgiveness eight years ago. If I could just forgive her for what she did.
He loved her and accepted the boys as if they were his own, but he never forgot what she did to him, and had never been able to fully forgive her. And she accepted that. She knew how much she had hurt him and regretted it every day.
If only we could have started all over again. Wiped the slate clean. If only….
There was nothing more painful than regret.
A figure approaching from the left caught his attention and he briefly glanced over to see who it was.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Flack?" Speed asked.
"You hear to fuck this up for me, too? Like you fucked up my life eight years ago."
"I'm here 'cause Carmen is worried sick. And I can see she had a reason to be."
"How'd you even find me?"
"She got the lab to tri-angulate on your cell signal. We tracked you here. What's going on Flack? Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in your head. Why are you standing here in the middle of a bridge with a gun in your hand?"
"Do me a favour, Speedle. Get the fuck out of here. Don't ruin anything else. "
"I know you're still pissed at me, Flack. I get it. You'll never forgive me. You've got every right to feel that way. "
"You fucked my wife!" Flack snapped. "We were friends, Speed! We were friends and you screwed me over! You took the one thing in my life that mattered and turned her against me!"
"Sam loved you." Speed told him. "There was never a time she didn't love you. She was furious with you and hurt by what had gone down between you guys but there was never a second she didn't love you, Flack."
"If she loved me, she never would have been with you." he said bitterly.
"You smacked her and got rough with her! You threatened to divorce her and take the baby away! You told her you'd make her look like a bad mom. Unstable. You broke her heart and she needed someone. And so did I. I was there and I took advantage of her situation. And I'm sorry."
"You're sorry!?" Flack raged. "You're sorry! You fuck my wife, knock her up and all you can say is you're sorry! Fuck you, Speedle!"
"Flack…."
"Do you know what it was like for me? To love her as much as I did, to love my kids but to look at them every day and know I'm not their father?"
"You are their father, Flack. You've been there from the beginning. They're loved and they have a great life. You're their daddy. I just kicked in the sperm. You're an amazing dad. Better than I could ever hope to be."
"You didn't know what it was like!" Flack argued.
"You're right. I don't."
"To know that your wife is in love with another man!"
"She wasn't in love with me!" Speed fought back. "I was just there at a confusing, scary time in her life. I was a stand in. That's it. You were on her mind the whole time. Shit, she even called me by your name. Repeatedly. She loved you. She told me she did."
Flack snorted. "But it didn't stop you."
"I regret a lot of things. But if it hadn't have happened, those boys wouldn't be here right now. The truth is I needed someone too and she was as much of a stand in as I was"
"Don't stand there and try and condone it!" Flack bellowed.
"I'm not. I'm just trying to…."
"Leave me alone, Speedle. Walk away and leave me alone."
"Don't do this, Flack. Those kids need you. They depend on you. They just lost their mother. Don't do this to them"
"They have lots of people that love them. Hell, two of them have their real father."
"I don't want your kids, Flack. You're their daddy. Plain and simple. Now give me the gun and…" Speed stepped closer, reaching for the gun.
"Don't do it, Speed." Flack backed away. "I'm telling you, don't do it."
"Come on, Flack. You don't want to do this. I know it hurts like a bastard but this isn't going to bring Sam back. It won't solve anything. Trust me, you'll get through this. It's gonna take some time, but you will get through it." he walked closer, slowly, cautiously.
"I said don't do it, Speed! Walk away!"
"Give me the gun, Flack. This is not the answer. Just give me the gun." Speed held out his hand.
"I said leave me alone!" Flack yelled, pulling back on the barrell of the gun to load the chamber, then pointing it at Speed. "Just walk away goddamnit!"
"I can't." Speed remained firm, unwavering.
"If I have to take you with me, I will. Just leave me alone and let me do this!"
"Don't be crazy, Flack. Give me the gun."
"If I have to shoot you to get you the hell out of my way, I will."
"What will this solve, Flack? Nothing. Those kids will have nothing. No mother, no father. Don't do this to them. Think of everyone that loves you and those kids. Carmen will be destroyed. Is that what you want? Stella feels guilty enough about Sam, don't add this to it. And Danny? Danny will never forgive himself for not seeing that you were hurting this bad. Give me the gun."
"Speedle…" Flack fumed. "I am warning you now….."
"Think of Sam. What would she be thinking or saying if she say you like this?"
"She'd call me a selfish asshole." Flack said. "But then she'd forgive me and understand I did it for her."
"She doesn't want this!" Speed exclaimed. "For Christ sakes Flack! She loved you more than life. She would not want this. Now give me the gun and…."
"One more step, Speedle and I'll…."
"What? Kill me? Fine. Go ahead. 'Cause you might as well. I fucked up your life. This is all my fault. You want to kill me? Do it. Be a fucking man and do it."
"You don't understand…"
"I understand if you were serious you would have either shot me or yourself by now." Speed said.
Flack raised the gun to his temple, finger on the trigger. "Is that what you want? You want to see me do it?"
"Give me the gun, Flack."
"Walk away."
"I can't. Now give me the gun!"
"You want this on your conscience, Speedle?"
"No. So let's just call it a night and you give me the gun."
"I can't live without her."
"Yes, you can. Now give me the gun."
"Please." Flack begged. "Just leave me alone."
"If you were serious you would have taken off the damn safety you fucking idiot."
Flack made the error of actually checking his gun.
Speed took the opportunity to haul off and punch his friend in the face, then tackled him flat onto his back, pinning Flack's arms down with his knees and sitting on his chest. The gun skittered across the cement of the bridge and came to rest in the middle of the road. The safety had been off all that time but Speed had taken the chance that Flack would take a look.
"You stupid selfish fucking bastard!" Speed yelled. "Gonna fuck up your kids some more? What is wrong with you!?"
"Get off of me, Speedle!"
"Can't kill yourself with no gun, can you? You stupid ass! This isn't the answer, Flack! You know that!"
"I swear, Speedle, when all is said and done…."
"Shut up! Shut up and listen to me and listen to me good! Your wife loved you! She loved you and your kids and her life! She would not want this!"
"Fuck…..you……Speedle…." Flack managed.
"I will clock you again if you don't shut up. Now this is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna get off of you and you're going to get up and we're going back to your house. Okay? I'm gonna leave my car here over night and drive you back in your car 'cause I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. Understand me?"
"Would you just…."
"Understand me?"
"Yes. Okay? Now get off of me. I need some air."
"You ain't gonna attack me are you?"
"No. I just need some air."
Speed climbed off of Flack and journeyed into the middle of the road to pick up the gun. He emptied the bullet from the chamber and took out the clip and pocket them both, then put the gun in the back of the waist band of his jeans.
Flack got to his feet and staggered over to the railing of the bridge once more, leaning against it and wiping the blood from his busted lip with the sleeve of his shirt. He spat blood and saliva over the railing and into the water below.
Speed joined him. "You okay?" he asked.
Flack nodded. "Gotta hell of a right hook there, Speedle."
"My left is even better. You all right?"
"Just tell me one thing."
"I'll try."
"Why? Why'd this happen? Why my wife? Why Sam?" Tears filled Flack's eyes.
"I wish I had that answer, Flack. I really do. Come on…" he laid his hand on his friend's back and led him away from the railing. "Let's get you home, okay?"
"I need an answer. I need someone to tell me why."
"No one can do that, Flack." Speed said with regret.
"I just want to know why." he said and broke down right there in the middle of the bridge. "I just want someone to tell me why."
"I wish I could help you out Flack." Speed told him, and reached out and pulled the much bigger man into a strong, tight hug.
Flack rested his head on Speed's shoulder and clung to him like a child as he sobbed.
Speed rubbed his friend's back comfortingly. "I'll get better," he said. "I promise you."
Flack shook his head.
"I promise you, Don. I promise you this will get better. Each day that goes by, it'll get a little easier."
"I loved her." Flack sobbed. "I still love her and I miss her and I want her back."
"She loved you. And she'd want you to go on. You know that."
Flack raised his head from Speed's shoulder. "How?" he asked. "How do I go on?"
"With a little help from your friends. Let us help you, Flack. Can you do that?"
He nodded.
"Come on. Let's get you home. Where you belong. With your kids. Okay?"
"Okay." he agreed and they began the slow walk to Speed's car. "Thanks." Flack suddenly said.
"For?"
"Giving me the twins. You're right. They wouldn't be here if it never happened. And I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world."
"It took a big man to do what you did, Flack. Accept them. Raise them. Love them."
"Look at me now, though. What's happened to me?"
"You've had a hell of a loss." Speed told him.
"I haven't always been like this. This weak. I haven't always been this way."
"I know. And it's nothing to be ashamed about. You know that, right?"
"I just want to go home." Flack said. "Get drop down drunk."
"What's that going to solve?" Speed asked.
"Nothing. Just make the pain go away for a while. You took my gun away. Don't take away my biggest vice, too."
Speed considered it. "There a liquor store close to your place?"
"Few blocks away. Why?"
"A good fall down drunk is right up my alley. Besides, no one should drink alone."
"I'll be doing lots of stuff alone now." Flack sighed.
Speed clapped him on the shoulder. "Not this night." he said.
Carmen cried tears of relief when she saw the two of them come through the front door. She been pacing for the last hour and a half since she'd gotten the location of Flack's cell phone, worrying incessantly, her thoughts running away from her and giving her a tension headache so ferocious she felt sick to her stomach. She clung to Flack, not worrying about the blood that stained the front of his shirt, thanking God that he'd been found in time, preventing him from doing anything outrageously stupid. Then giving him proper shit for putting her through such turmoil.
Flack cleaned himself up and put on some fresh clothes before the three of them retreated to the kitchen, Speed setting a monstrous glass of triple Crown and Coke down in front of him before he even had the chance to sit. Carmen politely refused any alcohol the first several times it was offered, but eventually gave in and accepted a much smaller, less potent drink.
The night wore on and glasses were emptied and refilled numerous times. They talked about old times when Speed was still working at the crime lab. About the time Sam experienced her bout of road rage and booted in the tail light of some woman in an fancy sports car that had cut her and Speed off on the way to a crime scene. But not before she climbed into the passenger seat and gave the woman a piece of her mind. Speed recalled the phone call Flack had made to Carmen that night out at the bar. Guys night with Danny, Hawkes and Adam. How he single handedly orchestrated them getting together without even putting too much effort into it. They talked about cases they worked and stupid perps they had caught and the downright absurdity of the job.
But mostly they talked about Sam. About all the good times and the tears they had all shared with her. Of what she had meant to them and they to her. Flack stayed relatively silent. He wasn't quite ready to share any stories that personal yet, preferring to keep them close to his heart, just for him to visit every once in a while. Laughs were shared and some tears were shed at that kitchen table that night. It felt good to laugh, but the pain still remained long after. And would for some time.
By three in the morning, Flack needed help getting upstairs to bed. The heavy alcohol had slurred his words and made his Queens accent nearly impossible to understand. Carmen and Speed, with their arms around his waist and his around their necks, did the best they could to get him to the top floor of the house in one piece. It wasn't easy and Carmen was glad she'd had enough sense to move Daniel back to his bed earlier.
"Jesus Christ, Flack." Speed grunted. "How much do you weigh?"
The big detective shrugged. "Who knows? I don't. Are you calling me fat?"
"Actually," Speed said. "Yeah. I am."
"You have put on some pounds in ten years, Don." Carmen told him.
"Maybe." Flack agreed. "But my wife loves me just the way I am."
"No wonder you didn't crush her." Speed said. "She was all of what? Eighty pounds?"
"She's tiny is all I know. Never say anything about her weight. She freaks. Always asking me if her ass looks big in something. Do I really have to answer that?"
"It's best not to." Carmen said.
"Exactly." Flack agreed. "But ask me, she looks fucking hot for having four kids don't you think?"
"Absolutely." Carmen said.
"Woulda been five." Flack told them. "Did you guys know that? Would a been five? Fifth one never stood a chance."
Carmen sighed. "We know, Don."
"Where are we going?" Flack asked.
"You are going to bed." Speed replied.
"Hey, listen, if you two are goin' to do the nasty, try not and get your Speed seed on my furniture. And keep the noise down. Don't wake my kids."
"How'd they ever sleep with Sam and all her noise?" Carmen asked.
"Easy." Flack told her. "Either cover her mouth with my hand or smother her with a pillow. And practice safe sex. Okay? No kids before marriage. That's a bad move. Causes a whole load or problems. Trust me. It's why we got married before Kieran was born. To calm down the masses."
"You're rambling." Carmen told him.
"Yes." he said with a nod. "I am. I need to go to bed."
"It's where we're heading." Speed told him. "Slowly but surely."
Carmen pushed the master bedroom door open with her foot and she and Speed all but dragged Flack's dead weight inside, unceremoniously dropping him into the middle of the bed. While Speed waited in the doorway, Carmen got the waste paper basket from the bathroom and placed it beside the bed in case Flack got sick during the night, then leaned over him in an attempt to yank the covers out from under him and set a pillow under his head.
Her hair fell over Flack's face as she leaned over him. A soft, loving smile spread across his face and he brought his hand up to gently stroke the back of her head.
"I love you, Samantha." he said. "You take such good care of me. I don't deserve you. Just come to bed. I love you."
Tears burned Carmen's eyes as she pulled away from him. Smoothing his hair back, she pressed a kiss to his forehead.
"She loves you too, Don." Carmen whispered to him. "Hush now and get some sleep. You'll be okay in the morning."
She climbed off the bed and joined Speed in the doorway. Where they stood, watching Flack falling asleep as if they were concerned parents keeping an eye over a sick child.
"You okay?" Speed asked her.
Carmen nodded, blinking back tears. "I will be. Will you stay here tonight, Tim? I don't want to be alone."
"Neither do I." he said.
"Thank you. For helping me."
"I had to do it. For Flack. For Sam. Lots for me to make up for there. And with you. I don't think I even know where to start."
She smiled tenderly. "I think I know." she said.
"Yeah? When then share the knowledge."
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. "I think it's better if I show you." she told him and headed for the stairs.
He watched her go.
"Are you coming?" she asked, pausing at the landing.
"If I do, I won't want to leave." he replied.
"Good." she said. "'Cause I won't let you."
He smiled and followed her.
The rest of his life right there in front of him.
He had long ago committed every inch of her to his memory. Despite the years that had passed, his memory was still fresh. She felt, and responded just as he remembered. Her body quaking, her hands clutching at him, raking his shoulders and back with her nails, burying her hands in his hair as he explored her beautiful, supple body. Using his lips and his tongue and his fingers to transform her into a quivering, aching form underneath him.
He listened to her whimpers and her begging. Her pleading. His name sounding magical on her lips, causing him to recall simpler, happier times nearly a decade ago. He pushed those thoughts aside and concentrated on the present and that incredible woman that he was now buried deep inside of.
"Oh God, Carmen." Speed breathed against her lips as he moved inside of her hot, welcoming body. Feeling her tight around him, her legs circling his waist, drawing him deeper. "I missed you so much…..this feels so good…being inside of you feels so good."
"I missed you, too, Tim. I love you. I never stopped loving you."
"I love you, too." he said and kissed.
She arched against him, encouraging him to move faster, harder. Crying out as his thrusts deepened. He felt so good. His strong, firm muscles under her fingertips. His skin so warm and soft, the taste of his salty sweat on her lips. She'd waited so long. Longed for him since the night he walked away.
And now he was there. A dream come true.
She whimpered as her orgasm neared. He moved harder, concentrating on making her come. When she did he kissed her in an attempt to silence her. She screamed his name into her mouth. Tightened her inner muscles around him, gouged his shoulders with her fingernails.
He pulled back, breaking the kiss, watching her as the last of her orgasm ripped through her. Enthralled by the sight of her face and her eyes at the height of her pleasure. Seeing her like that brought on his own release and he buried his face in her neck, his body shuddering as he came deep inside of her.
They lay silent, holding each other. Their bodies trembling and hearts pounding.
Speed finally raised his head and kissed her before pulling out and rolling onto his back. He gathered her in his arms, stroked her hair and her back. "I love you." he said.
"I love you too." she told him.
"You are so beautiful, Carmen. Every inch of you."
"I was worried I wouldn't be what you remembered. That you'd be disappointed."
"Never. I could never be disappointed." he told her.
"Was I what you remembered?" she asked.
"Even better." he declared.
She smiled and snuggled into him. "You realise I can't let you go back to Miami now, don't you?"
"And you realise I don't plan on going back, don't you?" he said.
"You mean that?"
Speed nodded. "My life is here. It's always been here. Wherever you are, Carmen, that's home."
"And your kids are here." she added.
"Those are not my kids." he told her.
"Yes. They are, Tim."
"They're Flack's. DNA aside. They're his kids and it's going to stay that way. They'll know him as daddy. I'd just want to be able to see them. As Uncle Tim."
"Won't that be hard on you?" she asked.
"A little." he admitted. "But it's for the best. For everyone involved. My kids…." he took a deep breath an briefly closed his eyes. "I'm not their father. I never will be. And that's just the way it is."
Carmen decided not to press the issue. She could tell it was bothering him, and that what he needed was some time to think about the situation. She could imagine what a blow that was to him, to find out he had twin sons at such a painful, emotional time.
"Where will you live?" she asked. "What will you do, job wise?"
"First thing I need to do is talk to Horatio and see if he'll arrange a transfer here. If that's not possible, then I can always get back into PI work. As far as living, lots of apartments out there. What are you going to do?"
"I haven't decided yet. I may stay here for a while. Help Flack out a bit. Hell have his hands full. Working full time, taking care of four kids."
"It'll be tough." Speed agreed. "And I think he'd appreciate it and that it's something you need to do. For yourself. For Sam."
Carmen nodded. "And me and you?"
He smiled. "Lets lie here and just enjoy each other and worry about all of that tomorrow."
"I want to enjoy you as much as I can." she said with a giggle and kissed his neck.
"How much is that?" he asked, as she straddled him.
"Well," she replied. "We have nearly ten years to make up for."
"We have our entire lives." he told her.
She liked the sound of that.
A big, big, big thank you to all that read and reviewed. I appreciate each and every one of you. I have made a resolution to start returning all of my reviews at a quicker time. Please keep reading and reviewing. And enjoying.
PLUGS:
Aphina: Devine Intervention, Finding Kate (over in Miami land)
Mauveine: Someday
Laplandgurl: A Magnet for Trouble
Madison Bellows: Positive, What it Means, The Saints Ain't Coming and Playing with Fire (also check out her piece Starting Fires on Fiction Press)
Hope4sall: Behind the Scenes