The sea of memories and despair
"Even now the world is bleedin' but feelin' just fine
all numb in our castle where we're always free to choose
never free enough to find i wish somethin' would break
cuz we're runnin' out of time
And I am overcome
I am overcome
holy water in my lungs
I am overcome
These women in the street pullin' out their hair
my master's in the yard givin' light to the unaware
this plastic little place is just a step amongst the stairs
And I am overcome
I am overcome baby
holy water in my lungs
I am overcome
So drive me out, out to that open field
turn the ignition off and spin around
your help is here but I'm parked in this open space
blockin' the gates of love."
-Overcome, Live
A/N: Please check out the poll on my profile page and cast your votes. It's unanimous so far! The new story is tentatively titled Views From Brooklyn and depending on the results, will be up soon.
A/N 2: Look for a new story being co-authored by myself and Aphina. It will start season one and future both Sam and Carmen. But they are not what you have come to know through MOB and Aphina's Devine series. We hope you all follow us once it's up!
They went to McDonalds for lunch. On a Sunday afternoon the place was a mad house. Harried parents chasing their kids around the busy restaurant and fighting to get them to eat as opposed to wreaking havoc in the play land or busying themselves with the cheap plastic toy that came with their Happy Meal. Toddlers in high chairs wailed and screamed and threw temper tantrums while puddles of discarded chewed up food sat all around them.
"These kids are bad, daddy." Daniel whispered to Flack, as the seven year old took in the mass hysteria around him.
It was Daniel's job to gather the ketchup and vinegar and napkins and straws. It made him feel important. Like he was a big kid that could do big kid things. And going anywhere with his father without his brother's tagging along was always a huge deal for him. Because Mackenzie and Kieran never stayed behind too often and when all the kids were together, Daniel was often left in the background because he was so quiet and withdrawn. Mackenzie and Kieran were loud and obnoxious and stole all the attention. And sadly, Daniel had simply accepted it as a way of life whenever he was out with his brothers and daddy. Mommy however would always take him alone places. Mommy and Daniel Time, she'd always called it and they'd get in the car and figure out a place to go while they were driving.
Flack hated to admit that most of the times he turned down alone time with Daniel was because of the OCD. He just could not deal with all of the weird things the kid would suddenly start doing in public. The way he'd organize the food he was eating or how he made sure everyone at the table had the exact amount of napkins and how his chair had to be facing a certain way and he always had to sit between the same two people. Flack saw the way people looked at the family when Daniel started shit like that. Sam was able to ignore it and just get on with business and then snap on him when they got home about how he cared more about what strangers thought than he did about his own child's feelings. And while Sam could endure the 'helpful' advice from other mothers on the playground or in the grocery store when Daniel through one of his Exorcist inspired temper tantrums, Flack would simply tell whoever was offering said advice to fuck off and mind their own business and scoop Daniel up and leave. And then give the kid the spanking of his life.
He was ashamed that he was a better father to Kieran, Mackenzie and Mikayla. They had their moments when they were the spawns of Satan, but they were nothing like Daniel. Daniel was in a league of his own and Sam had been able to get into that little world he sometimes retreated into and draw him back out. She had been able to keep her patience when repeating the same simple instruction twenty times and deal with a tantrum calmly and effectively. She didn't get flustered or embarrassed when Daniel bit a kid or himself. She handled him just like she did the others when they were bad. It was why Daniel and her were so close.
Had been so close, Flack corrected himself silently. Had been. Because she's gone and now it's all up to me to deal with this.
And that scares the shit out of me.
"Does that mean you're going to be good?" Flack asked, as he buckled Mikayla into a high chair.
"I'm always good, daddy." Daniel informed him.
Sure you are, Flack thought. And I'm the freaking Pope. He settled his children at a table where he could go and get the food and still keep an eye on them. Sam would always give him shit for even going five feet from them and turning his back for what she considered a prolonged period of time. She would say 'You know how many crazies are out there. You see it every day! And you leave them?'. He'd tell her to get a grip, no one was going to snatch them when he turned his back for ten seconds. And then he'd add, in that smart ass way of his, and if they were snatched, trust me, whoever did it would bring them back as soon as they realized what evil children they were. That always earned him the most vicious glare she could muster. He could never take that glare seriously. Hard taking a woman a quarter your size seriously. And Sam never stayed mad for very long. Which would explain how she ended up pregnant so much. In bed was their favourite way to end an argument.
Daniel was kneeling on his seat as he dug into his cheeseburger Happy Meal. He'd inspected the burger as soon as his father unwrapped it and sat it in front of him. It had to be just ketchup with three pickles. Not two, not four. Three. Flack received the same implicit instructions each time they stopped at McDonalds. There'd been many a time the burger wasn't right and Daniel had a melt down. So mom or dad always had to check the order before accepting it. Or face the consequences. And God forbid there was ice in his drink. That was nuclear melt down time.
"Daddy?" Daniel asked, his dark eyes serious.
"What, buddy?" Flack asked in response, reaching across the table to pull off Daniel's Mets ball cap. One thing Sam and him never tolerated was any of the boys wearing a hat while they were at the table eating, whether it be at home or in public. In fact, they didn't allow them to wear hats in the house period. Nor did the nuns allow it at school.
"Why's the sky blue and the grass green?" Daniel inquired.
Flack was prepared for that. Kieran had once asked him the same thing and he'd answered with the first thing that had popped into his head.
"Because if the sky was green, you wouldn't know where to stop mowing." Flack said in all seriousness as he broke up pieces of chicken nuggets and French fries and sat them on the tray in front of Mikayla who was parked next to him.
Daniel stared at him. Flack wasn't sure if that was a look of you've got to be kidding me in the kid's eyes or one of utter amazement at the response he'd received. Eventually a smile crossed the little boy's face. A smile that made his eyes sparkle and his nose crinkle. And Flack's heart constricted in his chest at the thought of how much Daniel reminded him of Sam.
"That makes sense." Daniel said with an energetic nod of his head. "You're smart, daddy. You know everything."
"Eat your lunch." Flack said and pushed the food closer to his son.
Beside him Mikayla shrieked loudly and banged her fists on the tray to get her father's attention. "Da-dee." she said. "Dwink."
And as she said the last word, she also did the sign for it. Sam and him had used baby sign with Daniel to help him communicate better, and had carried it over with Mikayla despite her having no trouble speaking. Rick, had been gracious enough to give them free lessons.
Flack reached for the Disney Princess knap sack on the chair next to him and unzipped it and pulled out a sippy cup full of apple juice. Not used to being the one that organized days outings with the kids, he'd already pulled out of the driveway when Kieran came rushing out of the house, Mikayla's baby bag clutched in his hand.
"Tank you, da-dee." Mikayla said and blew him a kiss when he sat the cup down on the tray.
He reached out and ran a hand over those soft black curls on his daughter's head.
Daniel was intently watching another couple and a little girl at the table next to them. The little girl was tiny and strawberry blond and wore a green and blue plaid jumper and white blouse. She kept looking over at Daniel and smiling sweetly and whispering to her mother, who in turn would look over and smile as well. But it wasn't the child Daniel was looking at. The mother was pregnant. Obviously late trimester by the size and way she was carrying, and Daniel was fascinated. Just like he was when his own mother was pregnant with his little sister.
"Daniel." Flack said sternly. "Don't stare."
"It's okay." the mother assured him, overhearing. "He's a sweetheart."
"Yes, I am." Daniel agreed wholeheartedly and sipped his pop.
The mother laughed. Flack wanted to hide under the table.
"What's your name?" she asked the little boy.
"Daniel Adam Joshua Flack." he announced proudly. "Just like daddy. His last name is Flack too. You know what his first name is?"
She laughed. "No."
"Donald. That's what mommy calls him when she's mad. Other times she calls him Donnie."
"You're very smart. How old are you, Daniel?"
"Seven. Well, seven in three weeks, five days. I have a twin brother. His name's Mackenzie."
"Twins, huh?" the father at the table commented. "We're expecting twins in a month."
"Good luck with that." Flack laughed. "It really is double the trouble. At least in our house."
"And I have another brother," Daniel continued. "Kieran. He's nine. And this is my sister Mikayla. She's two."
"Big family." the mother said with an impressed nod.
"We didn't know when to stop." Flack joked. "Just kept on having them we were having so much fun."
"Planning on having anymore?" the father asked.
"No." Flack replied, swallowing around the lump that now took up residence in his throat. It happened when he least expected it to. The choking emotion. "Unfortunately."
"My mommy's dead." Daniel announced.
Everyone at the two tables and those surrounding it stared at him.
"She was shot." he said. "By a bad guy."
"My wife was a police officer." Flack explained to the horrified family beside him. "She was killed in the line of duty about a month ago now."
"The crime scene investigator?" the mother, her hand clasped to her chest, asked in a near whisper.
Flack nodded. He didn't feel like going into the details with complete strangers. Not only was it none of their business, but he could barely talk about it with people he knew, let alone someone he'd never met before.
"We read about that in the paper." the father said with a sympathetic nod. "Tragic."
"Yes." Flack said and sipped his pop to keep from crying. "It is."
He was thankful when the other family left a short time later. There'd been no more talk of the incident and they'd left with polite goodbyes and a couple I'm sorry's and the father had given Flack's shoulder a tight, comforting squeeze and said 'Hang in there.' He appreciated their condolences, but despised seeing the pity in everyone's eyes. He saw the pity in his own eyes every time he looked in the mirror.
"Daddy?" Daniel asked, as his father cleaned his hands with a Pampers to Go wipe from the travel container packed in Mikayla's bag. Both kids' hands and faces were a complete mess. As was the floor and highchair.
"What, Daniel?" Flack asked with an irritated sigh.
It wasn't logical or fair, but he was pissed at a soon to be seven year old for bringing up his dead mother. For unknowingly bringing all the pain and sadness and longing to the surface once again. And that morning, as difficult as it had been to get out of bed, had been his first step on a long road to healing. And now this.
Carmen's words echoed in his ears. One day it won't hurt so bad. One day you won't cry every time you think about her. It will get better.
To Flack, it sure as hell didn't feel that way.
"What was I like when I was a baby in mommy's tummy?" he asked curiously.
"You were just the way you are now." Flack replied, placing a hand on the top of his son's head to keep it still while he used a fresh wipe on his face. "Only a lot smaller."
"I know that." Daniel said in an irritated way that Flack had come to recognize as his son's 'daddy, you are such a goddamn moron' tone. "I meant what was I like."
"Well, Mackenzie was in there, too, remember? And you two used to keep your mom up all night kicking and moving around. Then you guys would sleep all day. And you guys were constantly hungry and made her feel sick all day long."
"Was mommy mad?" Daniel asked, as Flack moved to the high chair to clean Mikayla, who was babbling and making a bigger mess by rubbing chewed up French fries in her hair.
"Why would mommy be mad?"
"'Cause Mackie and I were so bad."
"You guys weren't bad. You were just babies waiting to be born. And babies waiting to be born do things like that."
"So mommy was happy?"
"Of course she was. She was very happy to be having you and your brother."
Mikayla screamed in displeasure as her face was cleaned. Flack had to yank his hand away to avoid the two year old leaving a nasty bite mark in retaliation.
"No biting, Mikayla." Daniel scolded her. "That's bad."
Mikayla blew a raspberry at her brother to show how seriously she was taking him.
"Were you happy, Daddy?" Daniel asked.
"About what?" Flack re-packed the neatly organized bag, wondering how in the hell Sam had ever managed to keep things so neat and tidy. And take all the kids out at once by herself without going insane.
"About me and Mackie being in mommy's tummy." Daniel said.
Flack paused before answering. He had been happy. At first. The news of a new life was always exciting and welcome. And both he and Sam had been thrilled and shocked and somewhat overwhelmed when that ultrasound tech announced there were two of everything. But all that changed in her sixth month when she'd announced, after her guilty conscience had gotten the best of her, that she had slept with Tim Speedle. He could still remember that numb feeling that took over him as she stood there in the parking lot of the lab telling him that at the side of their car. She'd come there after a routine check up and appeared at the side of his desk with a distraught look on her face and he'd immediately assumed the worst about the twins. And when she said she needed to talk, he knew that it was way worse than he'd initially thought.
But he never expected what came out of her mouth that day. They had had their share of problems and fights and downright shitty times, but to hear her say she'd slept with his friend and didn't know whether he or Speed was the father of the twins she was carrying, that damn nearly destroyed him. The world all but opened up and swallowed him whole. He didn't hear another damn thing she said as she stood there crying and tugging at his arm. He felt frozen. From head to toe. And it took an eternity it seemed for that sensation to pass, and when it did, she was begging him to say something, anything. Apologizing over and over again. Professing her love for him and trying to offer up some form of explanation that seemed hallow to both of them.
"Say something, Donnie." she pleaded, gripping his arm so hard he felt her nails digging into his skin through his shirt. "Please just say something."
"It's over." he said. A finality in his voice that neither of them had ever heard. "I want you and those fucking twins out of my house by tomorrow morning. And don't even think about taking Kieran with you. You can take your bastard twins and head to Miami and Speed for all I give a shit. Just get the fuck out of my life."
"Don't say that." she begged, tears streaming down her face. "You don't mean that."
He had meant it at that time. Standing there in the drizzling rain listening to his wife confess she'd fucked his friend and gotten herself knocked up by him, he meant every word he said. Rationally he knew that there was that fifty fifty chance those twins were his. But rational thinking had gone down the toilet the moment she opened her mouth and admitted what she'd done. And as he stood there, looking at her with pity and anger and disgust, he still loved her all the same. Because she was his wife and the mother of his first born child. But fuck on the other hand had hated her with a passion at that moment.
"I'm getting a lawyer." he said. "I'm serious, Samantha. It's over. I want you and those twins gone. Next time you and I see each other, it'll be in court. Understand me?"
That had never materialized. She'd packed some of her things and went back to Arizona for a month. He'd shipped Kieran off for two weeks to Adam and Gus' and spent those two weeks drunker than he'd ever been. Danny had finally smacked some sense into him. Literally. Danny didn't condone what Sam had done, but he understood it in a away. Things had been tough and she'd felt alone and unloved and Flack was the only one to blame for that. And he loved her. He'd never stop loving her. So he'd packed his bags and flew to Arizona and brought his wife home.
He'd forgiven her the best he could. But he'd never forgotten. And she understood when he wasn't as into the last two months of the pregnancy like he'd been with Kieran. But he'd still been there when she went into labour and had been at her side when those twins were born through emergency c-section and he'd held her hand and wiped away her tears when Daniel was in trouble and assured her that everything was going to be right. Daniel's near demise and his stay in the NICU had brought them closer together than they'd ever been. He accepted the twins and signed his name on the birth certificate and gave them his last name. He knew, despite a DNA test, that those weren't his kids. It was damn obvious appearance wise. But he didn't want to know. He didn't want that test done and those results delivered by someone at the lab. Because that made things all to real. Without the test he could fool himself into thinking those twins were his.
And as the months and now the years went on, he'd come to realize that he was their father. That he loved them regardless of whose DNA was inside of them. But that didn't mean there weren't times it didn't hurt like hell to think about it.
"I was happy." he told Daniel at long last, noticing the look of worry that had crossed his son's face when he hadn't responded in a timely fashion. "Very happy. Why wouldn't I be? You and your brother gave me a chance to be a daddy again after Kieran."
Daniel smiled brightly. "You and mommy are lucky, daddy." he said, helping tidy up the high chair.
"Why's that?" Flack asked.
"'Cause you had me." Daniel replied matter of factly.
Flack smiled and ran a hand over his son's hair. "You know what, you're right. We are lucky. Because I couldn't imagine my life if you weren't here."
"You'd be sad." the little boy declared. "And bored."
Flack couldn't help but laugh at the truth in that statement.
After finishing the cleanup and taking Daniel to the washroom and changing Mikayla's diaper, he took the kids to the indoor playground before heading off to the lab. Daniel kept an eye on his little sister while they both played in the ball pit with several other kids. Flack had no cause for concern that Mikayla would get trampled or hurt by the older kids. Not only did she have a great big brother in Daniel, she was also as rough and tumble as any boy. She had to be with three brothers. And Flack had seen her, even at two, smack the shit out of an older kid that was picking on her and trying to push her around. She may have looked like her father, but with her tiny, petite frame and attitude, she was all her mother.
He was leaning against the far wall of the play room, sipping a cup of horrible coffee while keeping an eye on his kids who'd now retreated to the jungle gym, where Daniel was attempting to teach Mikayla how to climb, when one of the solo mothers who'd previously been watching Flack from across the room, now sidled up to him.
Jesus Christ, he thought, watching her out of the corner of his eye. Normally, even as a married man who had been allowed to look but warned never to touch, the woman beside him would have been attractive in his eyes. She was tall and willowy with wavy blond hair that just skimmed her shoulders and had vibrant green eyes. She was dressed casually in a pair of khaki cargo style pants and a simple white t-shirt. But under the circumstances, there was no woman in the world that he could look favourably at. There was only one woman he wanted, and she was too far out of reach now.
"Those are your two?" the blond asked, nodding in the direction of Daniel, with his arms around his sister's waist, hoisting Mikayla onto the second rung of the climber.
Flack nodded. "Two of four." he replied.
The blond's eyes widened.
"All under the age of ten." Flack added.
"Wow. You've been busy." she laughed.
"Woulda been six, but that's an entirely different story."
"And how old are they?" she nodded in the direction of giggling little girl and her attentive older brother.
"Daniel, he's almost seven, and Mikayla, she's almost two. He's got a twin brother at home and a nine year old brother."
"Lots of boys. That's my little guy over there." she pointed in the direction of a curly haired blond boy in the midst of the ball pit. "Isaac. He's five."
Flack nodded and sipped his coffee.
"I'm Charity." the blond said and offered her hand.
"Don." he said simply and shook her hand quickly. Then took another sip of his coffee, this time with his left hand, hoping she'd notice his wedding ring and just leave him alone.
"You know," she said, leaning against the wall beside him. "It's nice to see a father doing things with his kids. You don't see it very often these days. Men just don't seem to give a rats ass about family anymore. My ex, he high tailed it out of there once the demands of being a father got to be too much. Can you believe that?"
"No." Flack said. "I can't."
"There needs to be more dads out there like you. Ones that man up to their responsibilities. There's just not enough. I work in the public sector and in my job, I see a lot of bad apples that claim to be fathers. Bunch of low lives is more like it."
"I work for the public sector, too." Flack told her. "I have for the last twenty years. And I've seen a lot of disheartening stuff."
"What do you do?" Charity asked.
"I'm a homicide detective. A lieutenant actually,"
"Really? Hmmm….. I happen to find police officers very attractive."
He smirked.
"You married? Separated? Divorced? Single by choice?"
"Look, Carrie….."
"Charity." she corrected him.
"Charity. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I just came here to have a nice time with my kids. Treat them to something. My family's been through the month from hell. And you seem like a really nice girl and everything…."
"I am. Very, very nice."
"But the last place I'd pick up, if I was looking to pick up, is in the play room at McDonalds. And I'm not looking to pick up. My wife just died. Less than a month ago. And you're not her. So if you'd just leave me alone, I'd really appreciate it."
She blinked. "You're wife just died? Is that some kind of sick lie you use to get sympathy from women? Prey on their sympathies? Get them to fall all over you in your grief."
"My wife was murdered almost a month ago. She was a police officer. Crime Scene Investigator actually. She was shot at a crime scene. And it's not a joke or some line I use to get women. It's my God awful shitty life and I've been living this nightmare for twenty two days and.." he consulted his watch. "sixteen hours and forty three minutes and about thirty seven seconds. So please, do me a favor and leave me alone."
"You're serious." Charity said in a horrified whisper.
Flack smirked and fixed her with that steely glare he reserved for those that pissed him off the most and finished his coffee and tossed the cup in the nearby trash.
"Daniel, let's go." he called to his son, who had managed to get his little sister half way up the climber and was precariously holding Mikayla by the hem of her sundress.
"Just five more minutes?" Daniel pleaded. "Mikki's almost at the top, daddy."
"And she's going to fall on her head and then you can explain to your mom why…." he bit his lip, halting the words that tumbled out of his mouth.
And to his horror and embarrassment, he felt the hot tears that pooled in his eyes and the tightness in his chest and his racing heart and the sweat that beaded on his forehead. An anxiety attack. He'd been having them since the day he'd made the decision to take Sam off of the breathing machine. Some of the attacks so crippling that he'd honestly thought he was having a heart attack.
He just needed to get the hell out of there. Out into the sunlight and fresh air. He strode over to his children and plucked Mikayla off of the climber. The sudden action sent her into a screaming fit, fat tears streaming down her rosy, chubby cheeks as she found herself being carried tightly on her father's hip. Flack grabbed Daniel by the wrist.
"Let's go." he said, and steered his son to the door.
"But daddy…." Daniel protested. "You said…"
"Go. Now." Flack ordered.
Thankfully, Daniel, as if sensing the urgency in his father's voice, had decided to forgo the temper tantrum and obey silently. He didn't have much of a choice with that strong hand wrapped tightly around his wrist.
Flack took the kids out of the restaurant and across the busy parking lot to the gun metal grey Volvo SUV parked nearby. He didn't know why he'd taken Sam's car that day. It was rare that he drove it, opting instead to use the bigger Navigator he'd bought himself three years ago to get the kids and all their gear to and from hockey and soccer practices and school. But that day, he'd reached for his keys sitting on the microwave and saw Sam's sitting there. Dangling off that beaded key chain that read WE LUV U MOMMY. He scooped them up without a second thought and headed out. Daniel had been happier in a pig in shit that they were taking mommy's car. Because in mommy's car, they got to listen to kids music and he got to sit in the front seat. Flack had sat there in the driveway for several long minutes. Wondering what in the hell he was doing as the smell of Sam, still in that car, filled his senses. He'd been near tears before steeling himself and fixing the mirrors and the seat and taking off.
He buckled a still wailing Mikayla into the safety seat in the back and got Daniel belted in the front passenger seat. He climbed in behind the wheel and sat there, his eyes closed and his face in his hands, allowing those tears to flow freely down his face. He would have just broken down and sobbed if his kids weren't sitting right there. Daniel watching him with a concerned, pained and saddened look on his face. Please, God, make this go away, Flack pleaded silently. Make this fucking pain go away.
He heard the soft clicking of Daniel's undoing his seat belt and then the rustle as Daniel moved across the seat. Then he felt his almost seven year old climbing into his lap. He removed his hands from his face and looked into those dark eyes.
A tiny arm circled his neck. With his other hand, Daniel reached out and brushed his father's tears away with a gentle hand.
"It's okay, daddy." Daniel whispered and pressed a kiss to his father's cheek. "It's okay to be sad, daddy."
Flack lost it. He broke down and sobbed like a baby and clung to his son for dear life.
Several minutes passed. And when the tears stopped flowing and the ache in his chest went away, Flack entangled himself from Daniel's grip and wiped his face with the front of his shirt. Daniel retreated back to his own seat and did his belt up once again.
Flack put the key in the ignition and was just about to turn it when a knock came to his window. That Charity woman from the play area was standing there, a concerned look on her face. And Mikayla's back pack in her hand.
He hit the button for the power window.
"Are you okay?" Charity asked, knowing the answer just by looking at his face.
"I'm fine." he replied.
"You left this in McDonalds." she said and passed the bag through the window.
"Thanks." Flack said simply and took the bag and sat it at Daniel's feet.
"Hi!" Daniel chirped.
"Hi." Charity smiled.
"I'm Daniel." he said.
"I know. Your daddy told me. I'm Charity."
"That's a pretty name." Daniel told her.
"Thanks." she smiled at Flack. "A flirt all ready. You've got your work cut out for you."
"Thanks for bringing the back." he said. "We have to go."
"I know this great support group for bereaved spouses." she told him, ignoring him as she opened her purse and dug through it. "My mom runs in. She helps a lot of people."
"I don't need help." Flack informed her.
Charity held a business card out to him. "If you ever feel you do, give me a call and I'll set you up."
Flack nodded and took the card.
"Nice to meet you." she said and then waved at Daniel. "Bye!" she called.
"Bye!" Daniel responded.
Flack watched her go through the rear view mirror. Saw her climb into a burgundy coloured minivan. He looked down at the card in his hand.
"What's that daddy?" Daniel asked curiously.
Flack crumpled the card up and tossed it out the window. "Nothing." he replied and started up the ignition and put the SUV into drive. "Absolutely nothing."
Carmen stretched out in the lawn chair and sipped on a tall glass of pink lemonade. She longed for some vodka to put in it. Vodka and lemonade had been Sam's drink of choice when she indulged, and Carmen had seen a nearly full bottle of Smirnoff in the kitchen. She'd decided booze was out of the question with the kids around. She opted instead to sip the lemonade pure and relax out in the backyard with a book she'd scooped from Sam's collection in the basement while Kieran and Mackenzie played together- peacefully, for once- on the elaborate wooden playground at the far end of the yard.
It was a beautiful late May, Sunday afternoon. Surprisingly warm considering how chilly the last few days had been. She was thankful she'd brought along some shorts and t-shirts to wear. She'd borrowed Sam's sunglasses that had been sitting on top of the fridge and now sat, the legs of her shorts rolled up even further, sleeves of her shirt pushed up to her shoulders and her bare legs stretched out to grab some rays.
She scarcely heard a car pulling into the driveway. It had only been an hour since Flack had left and she wasn't expecting him back that soon. And Speed had left twenty minutes ago to head to his hotel and make some phone calls to Miami. He'd made the decision to stay in New York and one phone call to Stella that morning had guaranteed him a spot on the team. Now it was talking to Horatio and delivering the news that he was leaving. Again.
She heard the click off the back gate and female giggling and glanced over. Smiling at the familiar faces that came around the corner of the house.
"It's the Commish." she said, closing her book and standing up.
Mac smiled warmly, his daughters, seven year old Tiana and five year old Chloe giggling as they followed close behind. Much to her father's dismay, Tiana was giggling over the fact that they were there at the Flack house, and she had self proclaimed crush on Kieran. In fact, the crush seemed to go both ways. They called each other their boyfriend and girlfriend and Kieran had recently confessed to his Uncle Danny that Tiana was the first girl he kissed. Prompting Danny to give Flack a 'keep an eye on your kid with the ladies' warning.
"Hey, girls." Carmen greeted, giving each of her nieces a warm hug and a kiss before they were off and running to join the boys on the play equipment.
Carmen and Mac stood side by side, watching as Tiana wasted no time climbing to the very top and joining Kieran who was sitting on the ledge, bossing Mackenzie around as he gathered toys in the sand below. Kieran and Tiana smiled sweetly at one another and he jumped down to help her up onto the ledge before getting back up onto it himself. Tiana giggled and rested her head on Kieran's shoulder.
Carmen and Mac looked at each other. Carmen smirked. Mac sighed.
"You're in trouble with that one, Mac." Carmen laughed.
"She's seven and convinced she's madly in love with him and going to marry him."
"You poor man. Your baby marrying a Flack? That's the stuff ulcers and grey hair are made of."
Mac grinned, then hugged her tightly. "How are you?" he asked.
"Hanging in there. Barely sometimes." she admitted. "It's just hard to believe. That Sam isn't here anymore."
Mac nodded. "How's Flack?"
Carmen shrugged. She wasn't about to tell Mac about the evening before and Flack's near suicide. "He's coping." she said. "He got out of bed and left this house this morning so that's a start."
"I was hoping to catch up to him. There's some things I need to talk over with him before he came back to work."
"About Sam's case?" Carmen asked hopefully.
Mac smiled gently. "You know I can't tell you that, Carmen."
She nodded. "Stella's at work?"
"She's having a rough time. She's been having nightmares and panic attacks. She won't get rid of the clothes she was wearing when she tried to help Samantha in the warehouse. She keeps them in a plastic bag in the closet."
"She feels responsible, Mac." Carmen reasoned. "I mean, she was the first one in there after Sam was shot. She convinced EMS to bring her back three times in the ambulance. She even did chest compressions and CPR herself. That's gotta be rough."
"It's rough on all of us." Mac said. "I remember meeting her that day she came to the lab after hired her over the phone. She looked barely old enough to have graduated high school. Then all of a sudden she was a wife and a mother and she grew up right before our eyes."
"I keep thinking about the last time I saw her." Carmen said quietly. "At the airport. And she hugged me and kissed my cheek and…..and she said goodbye, Mac. And Sam never said goodbye. I will never forget that as long as I live. I just wish that…." she broke up and laid a hand over her mouth and shook her head. "I'm sorry….I can't talk about her…I just can't…"
Mac laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. You don't have to."
She turned to him and rested her head against his strong chest.
"Make it go away, Mac." she said in a near whisper. "Make the hurt go away and bring her back."
He stroked her hair with one hand, her back with the other. "I wish I could." he said.
There was a young woman sitting on the bench outside of the crime lab. She was of medium height, slender build and had dark wavy hair reached just below the shoulder. Jackie O style sunglasses on her face, dressed conservatively in beige slacks and a crisp short sleeve white blouse. Standing to the side was a young man, maybe early twenties in a well tailored suit and tie, trying his best to flirt, and possibly, get the number of the brunette on the bench. By the lack of conversation, Flack guessed the guy wasn't doing so well.
And just like that, observing such a common, every day thing, he was bombarded with memories of his wife. Of that day over a decade ago when Samantha had been sitting on that very bench, Danny trying his damnedest to make a good impression. And failing miserably with that horrible Matt LeBlanc pick up line. She'd looked stunning with the sunlight cascading down on her, making the natural red highlights in her long, dark hair sparkle. And when she'd looked up at him with this golden eyes, his heart had jumped to his throat. And when she smiled at him…..
Don't do this to me, Flack pleaded silently as he sat behind the wheel in a parking spot outside of the lab. Glad he wore sunglasses to hid his blood shoot eyes. Please don't do this to me. I can't take this. I'm going to go crazy.
He composed himself and opened his eyes. The young man was gone. He'd abandoned his quest. Leaving the object of his desire sitting there in the sun, typing on a Black Berry. Flack killed the ignition and climbed out of the SUV. Walking around to the driver's side, he opened the door for Daniel, who was all ready unbuckled and waiting for him. He helped the child out of the vehicle and made him wait while he unbuckled a sleeping Mikayla from her car seat and lifted her carefully into his arms. Flack realized he must have looked a real sight. A big strong guy carrying a dead to the world two year old in a pink and white sundress and Strawberry Shortcake sandals, her Disney Princess bag slung over his shoulder.
"Burns, daddy!" Daniel nearly wailed as he walked along beside him. "It burns!"
Daniel had sensory issues when it came to bright lights and loud, sudden noises. And with the sun as strong as it was, Flack knew it probably felt, to Daniel, that his eyes were going to burn right out of his head.
Flack pulled off his own sunglasses and bent down to slip them onto Daniel's face. "Better?" he asked.
Daniel nodded. "Thank you, daddy. I get to wear your police man glasses."
They headed through the front doors and took a left into the precinct. Flack wanted to stop by his office and see what kind of hell awaited him in the form of paperwork. Having an office and being away from his guys had been somewhat of a culture shock for him when he was promoted to Lieutenant only two short years ago. He'd spent nearly seven years as a Sargent and oversaw his fair share of high profile busts that practically made him a household name in the newspapers.
During his first two weeks as Lieutenant, he'd cleaned house at the twelve, hired (with Sinclair's permission) several new, damn good detectives, and commanded three massive raids on guns and drugs that saw him, for the first time since the Wilder bust eleven years before, speaking on television. The kids and Sam had made a big deal about seeing him on t.v. Daddy was a celebrity as far as they were concerned. And Sam, when cuddling up to him in bed one night after seeing one of his interviews, began kissing his neck and said:
"I've never done it with a famous person before."
He laughed thinking about that even now. Sam had always had a way with words. She could verbally spar with the best of them and always had something smart to say when he got all sarcastic and smart ass with her. And she always seemed to get the last word.
Even if it was the way she moaned and groaned and eventually screamed into a pillow she held to her face as he showed her just how good sleeping with a celebrity was.
He noticed the way the volume in the bullpen quieted right down as he walked through it. The way detectives paused what they were doing to look at him with sympathy and pity as he quickly walked past. He couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with them. Even 'his guys'. A couple of whom had made to get up from their desks to talk to him, then sat back down when he simply strode past without even a hello. He just wasn't ready to talk about Sam, or how he was feeling with people he worked with. Especially those that worked under him.
Scagnetti was just coming out of an interrogation when Flack walked past him without even a nod in greeting. And watched as the younger man headed into his office and shut the door behind him.
"Can I sit at your desk, daddy?" Daniel asked hopefully. He didn't visit the precinct that often, but when he did, it was always a treat to sit at daddy's desk and play on the computer. And it made him feel good to see pictures of him and his siblings and his mother on the desk and colourings him and his brothers had done on the wall.
"Just for a minute." Flack replied and gently placed a still sleeping Mikayla on the small couch across the room.
Daniel climbed up into the chair and opened up the top drawer. Where he knew his father always kept blank paper and a package of crayola markers just for those times that the kids stopped by. Both Flack and Sam had tried to keep the kids away from the job as much as possible. But there were times when trips into the precinct or lab were unavoidable.
"I'll draw you a picture, daddy." Daniel announced, selecting a blue marker. "You can hang it up. Okay?"
"Okay." Flack agreed and picked up a stack of files on the corner of his desk and flipped through them. Reports that needed to be done ASAP. He'd have to take them home and stay up a couple of nights getting them completed.
There was a second pile on the other side of the desk. Sympathy cards in different coloured envelopes. He picked them up and flipped through them. Some were addressed to Flack (those ones were from the guys he'd worked years with) and others to Lieutenant Flack. From the rookies and ones he hadn't known as long.
The door popped open suddenly and Flack glanced up to see Scagnetti walk in.
"Closed means you knock first." Flack told him. Normally he wouldn't have been so offhand and miserable with one of his closest friends, but he wasn't in the mood for chatting.
"Just wanted to see how you're holding up." Scagnetti said, closing the door behind him.
"I'm fine." Flack told him.
"Surprised to see you here." the other detective said, hands in his pants pockets. "Didn't expect ya for a couple of days."
"I needed to see if there was paperwork that needed to be done." Flack explained. "And I needed to run upstairs and talk to Stella."
The older man nodded.
Flack could sense there was more to why the older detective was there than a simple social visit. "You have something to say, Scagnetti?" he asked. "You pissed I'm coming back so you're not acting Lou anymore?"
"What? Don't be fucking stupid, Flack. You're a damn good lieutenant and boss. And I'm glad you're coming back instead of sitting around moping."
"Thanks. I'll remember that when you're wife dies."
"Not how I meant it, Flack. You know that. It's horrible thing that happened to Sam. And I feel like shit about it. I just think it's good for you to get back to work. Keep your mind off of things."
Flack just nodded.
"How are you, Donnie?" Scagnetti asked, his voice softening. "How you holding up?"
"You really wanna know? Last night, I was going to blow my brains out until Tim Speedle talked me out of it. Then I went home and drank myself into such a stupor I thought my wife was still alive when I woke up in the morning. And then some woman flirted with me at McDonalds and it made me sick to my stomach and I had a breakdown in the car and my seven year old son had to comfort me. And I come here and everything reminds me of her. I see her everywhere. So how does it sound like I'm doing?"
"Donnie, if you need someone to talk to….."
"I don't. Okay? I don't need someone to talk to. I don't want someone to talk to. I just want to get through this on my own. I appreciate you wanting to help me, but there's nothing you can do."
"If there's anything you need…."
"Thanks. But I'm fine." Flack assured the older man.
Scagnetti nodded.
"There's more, isn't there. What aren't you telling me, Tony?"
"There's rumors, Flack."
He sensed the urgency in his old friend's voice and turned his full attention over. "What kind of rumors?" he asked. "About my wife? The shooting? IAB?"
"Yes, yes and no. Nothing about the IAB investigation. It's about Sam and what went down. There's some talk going on that the FBI is gonna get involved."
Flack frowned. "Why? It was probably some junkie that got scared or something."
"They think it was the Wilder Gang, Flack."
"What? Come on. They've been out of business for a decade now. I put them out of business. That's really reaching if they think that."
"Guess it's relatives of some kind. Why you think there's been plain clothes camped out across the street from your house? This coulda been a revenge thing. Paying you back for taking down the family. Closing shop on them. Plain clothes are keeping an eye on you and your kids. I mean, this guy or whoever got away, Flack. Think about it."
"I think it's far fetched. I mean, come on. There's no way they could have known that Sam was my wife and that she'd be at that crime scene."
"Look, I don't know if they just meant to kill any cop there to prevent them from getting caught, or if they literally stalked Sam and were gunning for her. But that's the talk that's going around and if it's the Wilder gang, you got a reason to be scared for you and your kids. If they'd do that to Sam……"
"Drop it." Flack said. "Don't talk like that in front of my kids. They've gone through enough without having to be terrified when they step out the door. But I'm telling you right now, if it was the Wilder Gang, I'll do whatever it takes to protect my family. Whatever."
Scagnetti nodded in understanding at the unspoken words. "I've got your back, Flack. Whatever you need. And I'm talking whatever. Okay?"
Flack nodded.
"They won't get away with it." Scagnetti vowed. "Even if the NYPD doesn't catch them, the bastards will not get away with it. Even if we have to find them ourselves."
Flack sighed and glanced back at his son, so blissfully unaware of what was transpiring feet away from him.
"They'll pay." Scagnetti said. "We'll make them pay."
"Do me a favor, Tony."
"Sure."
"I want you to keep one step ahead of the FBI if this is the case. And I want you to track down every surviving member of that goddamn family. Names, phone numbers, addresses. And you give that information to no one but me. No one knows what you and I discussed today, got it? You find those sonofabitches and we'll take care of it from there."
Scagnetti grinned and held out his hand.
Flack shook it.
"Gonna be a pleasure doing business with you, Lieutenant." Scagnetti said.
And just like that, the wheels of revenge had been set in motion.
Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing and enjoying! And to all the lurkers and those adding me to their alerts, I appreciate all of you!
Soccer: Forever faithful. I am constantly getting distracted. You know that. LOL.
Hope4sall:I love Stella. Especially her wardrobe. LOL. I just wanted her and Mac to be happy. They deserve it. And Sam and Flack sexual tension at its finest. Don't worry, they'll get some at the end. I can't torture them too much.
Forest Angel: I adore SMACKED. And if Sam doesn't like her surprises, I will gladly take them!
Brrtmclv: Engagements are running rampant around the lab. And soon babies will be too.
Mauveine: No worries. We're friends no matter what.
Lost in New York: Welcome to my baby. Hope you stick around!
ImaSupernaturalCSI: I wanted to write Mac and Stella so many times but then Carmen and Speed happened and I put off SMACKED. And Flack would win more than brownie points with me. LOL.
Blue: Sam's got the 'I look like shit' baby blues. And they're both learning to love each other.