I decided to turn this instead into a series of oneshots!

Hope you like the second oneshot I wrote. I was ill so this may not be good.

Please R&R!

Don't touch the army suit

The large white Cullen house was almost completely silent. Only the minuscule sound of the television hummed in the background, the sound so low that to humans it would be utterly unintelligible.

In the living room Edward and Bella were curled up on the sofa and inbetween them, their daughter Renesmee was uncomfortably wedged. Edward and Bella were kissing enthusiastically and Renesmee rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Get a room" she muttered in her high soprano.

Edward and Bella laughed at her surly expression.

Alice sat curled up on the sofa like a cat; but with her eyes still open. Her expression was blank and unfocused but her nose remained wrinkled, due largely to the presense of Jacob, who constantly emitted a repelling smell to vampires. Esme was singing upstairs and Carlisle was away at work, goring another patient. Emmett could be heard screeching in a torturously childish voice in the kitchen and they heard gunshots that seemed far too loud to be fictional.

"DIE CONFADERATES!" He boomed; the racket he was making shook the house.

Jasper opened the door and walked in, his hair filled with raindrops from the previous hunting trip. He shook his dripping hair out of his eyes and glared at each of them in turn - except Alice.

"So..." He accused, "Which of you finds it amusing to steal my old civil war army suit."

"No idea uncle Jazzy" Nessie smiled.

Suddenly another defaning roar of "DIE!" sounded through the air like a gunshot. Emmett proceeded to giggle like a schoolgirl before he exploded into loud, raucous laughter.

"I'm-betting-it's-Emmett!" Alice giggled cheerfully, the individual words becoming blurred due to hyperness.

Jasper snarled and picked up a knife that conviniently rested on a table nearby.

"Hey, where did the knife come from?" Bella asked fearfully as she looked around. Edward's eyes smoldered in her direction and she abruptly became hypnotised.

"Yes master?" she stated blankly.

"I don't actually know Bella" Jasper answered her previous question; using his ability to retain the little sanity she had left, "It is quite creepy; it's like someone... drew it on the table and it became animated..." he shuddered delicately.

Jasper, Alice, Edward and Bella (Jacob was asleep) turned towards the window. Sure enough, a small vampire was perched there. Only fourteen years of age, she had straight brown hair cascading down her back like a waterfall and slightly smaller than average eyes that were a scorching ocher. (Yes it's ME! I am not wearing glasses 'cause vampires don't need them. YAY!) In her right hand, she held the pencil from spongebob squarepants that brought things to like. In her left, she held a piece of shortbread.

"I am the author and you shall do as I draw or write!" she laughed, exultant. She threw a smoke bomb to the floor. Everyone coughed once, then she was gone.

"That was... disturbing" Jasper stated before he clutched the knife more securely in his hand.

"Jasper!" Alice screeched.

"Yes, my beloved sugar-crazed pixie?" He smiled, watching her bounce off the walls singing 'I'm a little teapot' in a complicated harmony.

"KNIFE-KILL-WON'T-EMMETT!" She screamed, getting her words muddled due to hyperness.

Jasper thought for a minute before bringing the knife to his mouth. The tip melted as it glistened with venom.

Jasper stalked out of the room. There was a high-pitched, childish scream then a sickening stabbing sound. Emmett walked into the room; the knife lodged between his shoulder blades. He scowled and thundered off.

Jasper strode into the room, only to be faced by Alice's adorable pout in his face.

"Jazz won't you please...play dress up...with me?" She asked, slipping into full-blown pout mode. Jasper sighed and allowed himself to be dragged upstairs. Two minutes later, he was dressed in a pink tux with a confused memory as to how he got there. He pulled at the cuffs nervously as Alice approached him with a can of hairspray...

Edward - taking advantage of the fact that, apart from Nessie and the sleeping Jacob, he and Bella were alone - did his smouldering hypnosis again.

"Yes master?" Bella asked, detached.

"Bang your head repeatedly against the wall"

Bella obliged and let out ear-splitting yelps between head smashes.

"Lol" Edward smiled, "I love vampire eyes."

I had writer's block whilst I wrote this which is why I wrote it.

Hope you enjoy, just a bit of fun! I might write more if you like it.