A/N: THIS CHAP IS RATED A STRONG T FOR SLIGHT, SLIGHT SMUT. IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED, I SUGGEST SKIPPING THE THREE OR FOUR PARAGRAPHS.
Bruised, battered yet unbroken
"I got out of bed today, Swear to God I couldn't see my face
I got out of bed today staring at a ghost
Who forgot to float away,
didn't have all that much to say
Wouldn't even tell me his own name
Where'd my body go
Where oh where'd my body go? Africa or Mexico?
Where or where'd my body go? Where'd my body go?
Have you seen my ghost?
Staring at the ground?
Have you seen my ghost?
Sick of those goddamn clouds
Are you some kind of medicine man?
Cut the demons out of my head
You can't kill something that's already dead
Just leave my soul alone
I don't need no surgery
Take those knives away from me
Just wanna die in my own body
A ghost just needs a home."
-Weighty Ghost, Wintersleep
Samantha busied herself in the kitchen. She'd never been much of a cook. More because she didn't have the time to do it, not for the lack of skill. In university she'd been the anointed meal maker. Mostly because she could think of at least ten different uses for a package of ground beef and two or three veggies and some decent spices. Money for groceries was usually scarce once the partying was out of the way, so she looked for the best deals to get more for her buck. Now, when her schedule permit it, she made her way into the kitchen and thoroughly enjoyed preparing a meal. It was always more fun when you had someone to share it with.
Mac had sent her home after he learned of Flack showing up at the lab looking for her. Her boss was the first one to make sure that she and the baby were well taken care of. And the stress of seeing her future husband in such a condition had been enough to nearly break her. Although she was sure what he had been through was ten times worse than what he looked liked. She had attempted to get him to open up about it several times but got nothing but silence or a shrug or a shake of his head. They'd sat for two hours in the ER at St. Vinnie's just waiting for a doctor to come to put twelve stitches above his eye and take his vitals. His blood pressure and heart rate were both highly elevated and another two hours were spent sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair at Flack's bedside while he was hooked up to an EKG so a cardiologist could monitor things.
All that time his hands wouldn't stop shaking and he kept complaining about how cold he was despite the mound of warm blankets the nurses kept supplying them with. Now, armed with a prescriptions for both anti anxiety medication and Ambien to help him sleep, Flack had taken up residence on the couch with a beer in one hand and the remote control for the tv in the other. He said little and barely moved. If it wasn't for the changing of the channels, Sam would have thought he was asleep. She was worried that he was closing himself off. She'd seen it happen to many a good cop. Traumatic events turning them into ghosts of who they once were. And she couldn't bare the thought of that happening to him.
"Don!" she called to him. "It's almost done. You want to sit in here with it or out there?"
"Out here's fine." came the response.
Well that's three words, Sam thought with a sigh and moved to the cupboards by the sink. She opened them and stood on her tip toes to reach the plates. Why she hadn't thought of asking him to move the dishes down where she could reach them without needing a stool was beyond her. Before she could easily open the cupboard under the sink and stand on the ledge to get them down. Now with her ever growing belly and balance issues, she had to give up that practice. She stretched as far as she could and suddenly felt a sharp, burning sensation in her stomach. Lower right hand side. It took her breath away and brought tears to her eyes and she put her palms on the sink ledge to steady herself.
Don't do this to me, she pleaded. To us. For once can something go nice and smooth? Can one part of our lives be somewhat normal?
"Sam?" Flack's voice behind her. Quiet and worried at the sight of her nearly bent over the sink. She felt his hand on her shoulder, his warm breath on the back of her neck. "Baby, you okay?"
"I just….I think I stretched too much trying to reach the plates."
"You have pain?"
"A little. But I don't think it's anything to worry about. I probably just pulled a muscle or something. I'm fine. It's going away now." she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"You wanna go and get checked out? Just in case? Better to be safe than sorry."
"It's nothing, Donnie. It's going away now. Like I said, I probably just stretched a little too far."
He knew better than to argue with her. And knew that she'd never put the health of herself and especially of their unborn child in jeopardy. That he just had to trust her to make the right decision. And she knew her own body and what the trouble signs were. He ran a hand over her hair and went to the fridge and got out a bottle of water. Uncapping it, he brought it to her.
"Thank you." she said and he kissed her cheek before getting the dishes from the cupboard for her.
"All you had to do was ask." he told her.
"I know. I'm sorry." she sipped water and moved to the stove. "I just thought I could do it. I've always been able to do it before."
"Things are different now." he reminded her gently, placing the plates beside the stove and then getting utensils and glasses and the milk container and carrying everything back into the living room.
Sam wondered just how different. Did he just mean the baby or did he mean the way things had went down that day had transformed him into a completely different person. The second option both frightened and worried her. She didn't know the whole story of what went down and he refused to tell her, but she could tell by that haunted look in his eyes that he'd been through sheer and utter hell.
She'd made a quick casserole with bow tie pasta, canned tomatoes and shredded cheese melted throughout. It was one of his favorite meals and thought maybe something even that simple may bring at least a hint of a smile out of him. She scooped generous helping on each plate before switching off the over and joining him in the living room. His eyes riveted on ESPN yet not really seeing anything.
She sat the plates down on the coffee table and stood between his legs and looked down at him.
Flack looked up at her.
She smiled, pushed his hair off of his forehead and pressed a gentle kiss between his eyes.
His hands resting on her slender hips, then slipped around to her swollen stomach. He bent down and pressed his lips to her tummy.
No words needed to be said. All their emotions and feelings laid bare in simple gestures.
"Eat up." she said, her hand on his shoulder as she lowered herself down onto the couch. "I know you said you aren't that hungry but I made tons and you can always eat more later for a snack or take it to work with you."
"You need to eat more than I do." he said, digging into the steaming food.
"Well we're not talking about me right now." Sam told him, trying to ignore the fact that his hand was still trembling. "We're talking about you. I think you're a little more important at this point in time."
"I'm not an invalid, Sam." he said defensively. "Or a baby."
"I never said you were."
"If I can get through having my stomach torn apart in a bombing, I can get through today."
"Donnie, I never meant anything by it. Okay? I just wanted you to know that what's going on with you is first and foremost. I'm fine. The baby's fine. Let's concentrate on you for once. All right?"
He nodded.
They ate in companionable silence. The sportscasters on television providing the only conversation in the room. Sam poured herself a tall glass of milk and sipped slowly. The pain in her stomach had thankfully subsided. She hoped it wasn't going to be a recurring thing that would send her to the hospital numerous times in the next few months.
"Adam took my blood today." she said, attempting a least some form of interaction. "So we should have the results back in a few days."
"You nervous?" Flack asked.
"Not really. I have a good feeling that things will be okay this time around. I can just feel it. And the super from the new building called to verify the move in time and to say that the cable people and hydro people both came yesterday and hooked everything up. So we won't have to go without. I couldn't live without my internet or my e-mail."
"It's definitely your weakness." he agreed. "So we'll know the results soon?"
She nodded. "Are you nervous?"
"A bit." he admitted. "I just want everything to be okay. I mean, we deserve that at least, don't we? 'Cause I am seriously starting to wonder why God has such a serious axe to grind with me."
"Maybe I'm just bad luck." Sam scoffed.
"Don't ever say that." he scolded her. "Because I sure as hell would never think it."
She leaned sideways and pecked his cheek. "Are you feeling okay?" she asked. "Do you have a headache? Blurry vision?"
"Little bit of a headache." he replied. "But that's the concussion. I took some Tylenol. It'll work soon."
"Doctor Masterston called and he said he cancelled both appointments for this week and that he won't re-schedule until you're feeling ready to go back. And he told me to tell you that he hopes you're feeling better soon."
"Just something else I'll have to go to therapy for." he said dryly.
"And Sinclair left a message and said he wants you to take a couple days off and then see if you're feeling up to coming back for weekend graveyard. He wants you to call him about coming in to talk to him and Gerrard and a union lawyer before IAB gets a hold of you."
Flack just nodded.
"Donnie…..why would IAB and a union lawyer need to talk to you?" she asked.
"IAB always gets involved with the shit hits the fan regarding anything with the department. You know that."
"I know. But a lawyer too? Why do you need a lawyer?"
"I don't." he said, and sat his fork on his now empty plate and stood up. "Are you done?" he asked, noticing she hadn't touched any food for the last ten minutes despite the fact the plate was half full.
She nodded an watched him as he picked up her plate and headed into the kitchen. Normally he would have been practically shoving food down her throat. Always worrying about her not eating properly and not taking better care of herself or the baby. And while she was relieved that he'd backed off a little, she found herself actually missing his protectiveness a little bit.
But her main concern was, despite the nagging pain in her stomach, was his current mood and unwillingness to talk about what had happened earlier that day. She knew very little. He had said that one of his guys had been killed and four others, including an ATF agent, had been injured and treated and released from hospital. He'd also told her that one of the perp's had gotten the upper hand and that a struggling ensued and that was when the cut above the eye had occurred. She knew by his evasiveness that there was more to the incident than that. It was just a matter of encouraging him to talk about it.
She finished her milk and journeyed into the kitchen. Flack was at the sink, scrubbing their dishes and she sat her glass in the soapy water and grabbed a towel to lend a hand.
"Donnie…" she said, after an overwhelming period of silence. "Why do you need a department lawyer? Are you in trouble?"
"It's no big deal. Nothing for you to worry about."
"Did you do something wrong? Because I'd rather her it from you than through the office grapevine."
"Just worry about taking care of yourself and the baby, okay? And if you do hear anything, just don't react. Ignore it."
"Well what am I going to hear?" she asked.
"Sam, let it go. I don't want to talk about it."
"But you should talk about it." she told him, her voice quiet.
Flack sighed. "I will. Okay? I just don't want to talk about it right now. All right?"
"I'm going to hear it when I go back to work. And I don't want to find out that way. And if someone says something bad about you, I'll snap and me snapping does not do either of us any good. Case in point, Gerrard and my melt down."
"Wish I had have been there to see that." Flack said with a slight laugh and pulled dishes from the rinse water and sat them in the rack.
"The point I am trying to make is that I would much rather hear the truth from you instead of bullshit from other people. You can talk to me about it. You know that right?"
"Of course." he said and yanked the plug from the sink to drain the water. Then used cold water to clear out the left over soap.
"Then why don't you tell me? The whole story."
Flack grabbed a handful of paper towels and dried off his hands. "I'm going to go and lie down for a bit." he said.
"Donnie, don't do this." Sam pleaded.
"If you need anything, just come and get me."
She caught his hand as he went to leave. "You know it's not smart to bottle stuff up." she said.
"Anyone calls, just take a message." Flack kissed her cheek and left the kitchen.
Sam listened as he turned off the television and then padded down the hall. Heard the soft slick of the bedroom door as he closed it behind him.
She sighed and fought back tears. She desperately wanted to go after him and hold him as tight as she could and kiss away all the pain and the sorrow. But she knew the best thing for him at that moment was to deal with things is own way.
That he would come to hear when he was ready.
Sam tried to immerse herself in work. She covered the leftovers and popped them in the fridge and tidied the kitchen. She finished up reports for Mac both on paper and on the computer. The latter she e-mailed to him and then placed a call to Adam's voice mail asking him to pop by and pick up the others and hand them in for her in case she didn't get back to work in a couple of days.
She stretched out on the couch and listened to her iPod and tried to concentrate on her current chapter of What to Expect When You're Expecting. She was halfway through when she heard the bedroom door click open over the low volume of her music. She glanced up and pressed pause on the player when Flack appeared in the doorway.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I love you, Samantha. But I just can't talk about what happened right now. You understand right?"
"Have you been lying in there all this time thinking about that?"
"I know I probably seemed like an asshole brushing things off and pushing you away like that. I hope I didn't hurt you're feelings."
"I understand it's hard for you to talk about things. I just want you to know that you can come to me and talk about them. When you're ready."
He nodded. "I was just thinking…maybe you can come in and lie down with me. I mean, if you're not too busy or you don't have anything better to do. I don't want to talk or anything. I just want to feel you beside me."
She removed her ear phones and turned off the iPod and sat it and her book on the coffee table before standing up. She walked over to him and laid her hands on his sides and smiled up at him.
He bent down to kiss her softly.
She took his hand. "Let's go and have a nap." she said and pulled him down the hallway in the direction of their bedroom. "Just no trying to get fresh with me." she teased.
"Probably be the first time we're in the same bed and not getting fresh with each other. I mean, you're okay with that right? If I don't feel into that kind of thing? It's not that I don't love you or I'm not attracted to you. 'Cause I am. It's just that…."
"You don't have to explain anything to me, Don. Okay? Sometimes we just need to be with each other. In ways other than intimate ones. Don't you think?"
"I just didn't want you thinking I wasn't attracted to you or anything like that."
"That's just plain silly." she said, yanking the comforter down on the bed.
They lay down on their sides under the thick covering. Her back tucked into his chest and her bottom into his groin. His arm around her and their fingers entwined as their hands rested lightly on her stomach and his face buried in her hair.
"Samantha?" he broke the sleepy silence that had enveloped them.
"Hmmm?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For how you were today. Sticking up for me to Gerrard like that. Staying with me at the hospital."
"I'm practically your wife, Donnie. Why wouldn't I have stayed? You honestly don't think I'd make you go throw all that one your own, do you?"
"No….but I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do for me. Everything you put into us. I know I don't act like it sometimes, but I do value you and what we have."
She smiled and tightened her grip on his hand.
"And thank you for him. Or her. You have no idea how much having a baby means to me. And when I think about how I almost wasn't there to see our baby born…."
"But you are here." she told him. "And you will see it."
He nodded.
"What happened today, Donnie?" she asked quietly. "Please tell me."
"I…." he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I killed someone today."
She said nothing. She could tell by the emotion in his voice that he was struggling with coming to terms with taking a human life. As police officers, you were trained to first apprehend and arrest. But were made to realize that there were times you had to act as judge, jury and executioner within a matter of seconds. It was never an easy thing to do. She'd done it three times in her career and needed intensive therapy afterwards despite all three being deemed good shoots as a member of ESU. She wasn't sure how many times Flack had had to shoot to kill. They just never spoke of the darker side of the job.
"He would have killed me first if I didn't." he added quickly, as if feeling the need to defend his decision to her. "I fucked up. I turned my back for a second to give one of the DHS guys shit for bailing and this perp just nailed me into the ground from behind. I never should have turned my back."
"It's not your fault." she told him, rubbing his arm softly.
"Then he flips me over and sits on my chest and holds a gun to my forehead….I think it was a rifle…might even have been the one I dropped…I don't know…and he calls me a motherfucking pig and pulls the trigger."
Sam squeezed her eyes shut to hold back the flood of tears that threatened. Hearing him talk about how close he had come to death that morning shook her to her very core. Her chest tightened. She felt sick to her stomach.
"No one was more surprised than me when that gun jammed. I mean, what's the chances? Probably never jammed before. It was only a few seconds, but I swear it felt like an eternity. You know how people talk about their lives flashing before their eyes when they're on the way out? It's true. All I could think about was what a shitty fucking way it was to go out. When for once I had so much ahead of me. Someone relying on me to come home in one piece. How I wanted to get married and see my kid born and watch them head off to school and graduate college and see them get married and have their own kids. And it pissed me off that this sonofabitch was going to try and take all of that away from me and you."
"What happened after that?" she asked, hoping her voice didn't sound as shaky as she imagined it did.
"I did a Danny Messer on him."
Sam looked over her shoulder and arched an eyebrow.
"I head butted him."
Sam couldn't help but laugh. Which in turn made a small smile spread across Flack's face.
He pulled her closer to him and pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"And then?" she asked, gently coaxing yet respecting the fact he may just stop and not want to continue.
"That pisses him off and he nails me in the forehead with the end of the gun. That just made me even angrier and I clocked him with my cast to get him off of me. He landed on his stomach and I got up and I found my service weapon on the ground….and then I killed him. I shot him in the back of the head."
Sam just nodded.
"That's why I need a department lawyer. IAB is going to cause all kinds of shit when the guys that saw it start talking. There goes the promotion, huh? Probably my badge, too."
"You don't know that, Donnie. When you tell them you're side of the story, I'm sure they'll realize you did the right thing."
"Do you think I did the right thing?"
"I think you reacted to a dire situation."
"But do you think it was the right way to handle it?"
"I support you no matter what. You know that."
"That's not what I asked, Samantha. Do you think I did the right thing?"
She let go of his hand and rolled onto her other side, snuggling in close to him, their chests touching. "I think you did what was necessary at the time." she replied.
"You're so damn diplomatic sometimes." he said and kissed her.
"And this other detective? The one that died? Do I know him?"
"You've met him a couple times I think. He didn't work too many crime scenes with you but I think you met him when you came downstairs for a visit. Brendan Doyle. Really tall, skinny kid with shocking red hair and big ears."
"The one with the high school sweetheart wife and three week old baby?"
Flack nodded.
Sam sighed and closed her eyes once more. She couldn't bear the thought of getting that phone call and the tremendous grief and sorrow that would follow. And she couldn't help but think that she had been very close to being a recipient of identical news.
"He got it in the neck. When all the craziness died down I went over and he was still alive. And I tried. I did, Sam. I tried to stop the bleeding but I couldn't."
"Did he say anything to you?"
Flack shook his head. "He couldn't. There was too much damage and blood and I….I tried….I really did…"
"It wasn't your fault." Sam told him yet again. "You couldn't have done anything to help him if it was that bad. And you were hurt yourself. Don't blame yourself, Donnie."
"Ten minutes before we went in, I was standing in his exact spot. The team leader told me to get to the back of the group 'cause he wanted the big guys at the back. I mean, Doyle was tall but a stiff breeze could blow him over. And I think, if I had have been standing there still…."
Sam reached between them to gently wipe tears from his cheeks. "Don't think like that." she said. "I don't want to hear you think like that or say things like that."
"It's just that…."
"Look at me." she demanded. A harsh almost angry tone to her voice,
He raised his eyes to meet hers.
"If you ever think something like that again, I will smack the shit out of you. You don't have the right to feel guilty because God interfered and spared you in favor of someone else. It was not your fault that Brendan Doyle died today. As sad as it is and as bad as I feel for his wife and their new baby, I can't help but be relieved because it wasn't you. And instead of feeling guilty and how it should have been you, you should be damn well relieved that it wasn't you. Because you got another chance to have a life with me and our baby. Someone was watching your ass and you should be thanking them instead of questioning them."
He smiled and laid his hand on the back of her head and pulled her in close for a long, soft and sweet kiss. Her lips were warm and delicate and tasted so good. The feel of them intoxicating, reminding him that he had made out alive. He was still living and breathing and had indeed got a second chance. He had stared death in the eye twice now and managed to make it through to the other side. The smell of her and the taste of her and the emotions she stirred up in him serving as a reminder that he was human and deserved to be happy and loved. And right there in then he vowed to never take this woman who'd single-handedly transformed his life into something worthwhile for granted. That each and every day he'd show her and tell her that he loved her as if tomorrow was never going to come.
And above all, he needed to feel good. About himself. And she knew every trick in the book to make him feel damn good. And he needed her to make him feel alive and loved and wanted.
She moaned into his mouth when his tongue grazed against hers before meeting it with a fury and a passion he had promised himself he wouldn't feel less than twenty minutes ago. Flack felt so fucking embarrassed and ashamed. That a good man had died with his head in his lap just hours ago and now here he was in the middle of the rumpled bed with his pregnant wife and a raging hard on. And the pleasure far outweighed the guilt at that point in time.
"Donnie….." she breathed, her fingers pushing through his hair as his lips trailed across her cheek and onto her ear and then down onto her smooth slender neck.
His hand slipped from her hair and found her ass. Squeezing it and drawing her lower body tighter against his so she could feel his erection against her. It felt so wrong. To be ready and willing to do something like that while one of his guys was lying in the morgue. But how could anything that felt so good be so wrong?
"I love you." he said, gently rolling her onto her back, his lips feasting on the hallow of her throat as his hand reached under her top to find the button and zipper on her pants. "I love you and I want you and I need you. And I need you to love and want me."
"I do." she assured him. "Always."
He smiled against her neck and popped the button and yanked down the zipper and then pulled her pants off smoothly and effortlessly. Sliding down the bed and slipping them over her ankles and completely off. He tossed them onto the floor and kissed his way from the tops of her toes to her navel. His hand drifting over the swell of her stomach as his lips and tongue teased her navel ring.
"Gotta get rid of that soon." he told her, flattening his tongue over the area before blowing on it.
She whimpered at the sensation and arched off the bed. "Hurry….okay? Let's not waste time…."
He used the tip of his tongue to trail a path from her navel all the her lips. Pushing her shirt up as he went, his hands fondling her breasts through the lacy fabric of her bra. His thumbs brushing against her hard, prominent nipples.
"Tell me something." he said, propping himself on his forearm, injured hand and all. "A bra but no underwear?"
"Thought you liked easier access to things." she said and brought her head up to kiss him. "And how do you end up being the one with the pants on still?"
"'Cause I'm in charge."
"Really?" she ran her hand from his shoulder, down onto his chest and all the way to the button of his jeans. "Take the damn pants off, Flack." she ordered.
"Turns me on when you get all aggressive and bossy on me." he told her, and did as he was told. He leaned over the bed and pulled open the top drawer of the nightstand to retrieve a condom from the box inside. "This has got to stop." he said, tearing the package open. "This just does not seem right. Condoms to have sex with your pregnant wife?"
"Thank the damn tweaker who bit you for that. And in a couple weeks you can get the PCR test done and there will be no more guessing." Sam told him.
"Can't come soon enough." he said and bent to press a kiss to the side of her neck. His fingertips drifting over her knee and along the inside of her silky thigh, gently parting her legs as his hand slipped higher.
Her fingers were in his hair, her lips on his ear as he rolled onto his side bringing her with him and. Taking her leg, he draped it over his hip and prepared to enter her. He stopped just as the tip of his cock brushed against her hot, wet opening.
"What's wrong?" she asked , as he drew back to look at her.
"This doesn't seem right. That we should be doing this. That I should be enjoying something like this after what happened today. It seems….I don't know…..disrespectful."
"You made it out alive." she reasoned. "And you're a human being and you deserve to feel good. No one is going to hold that against you."
"Last thing I want this to be is some sympathy fuck." he said in all seriousness.
"It's not. It's because we love each other and I want to make you feel better. What is so wrong about that? You're not a bad person because you want this."
"I just want the pain to go away." he told her. "Even just for a little bit."
It was her turn to kiss him. She buried her fingers in his hair, nails digging into his scalp as she reached between them to softly stroke his erection before guiding it back towards her entrance. Her tongue traced the outline of his ear and her teeth bit down gently on the lobe.
He entered her smoothly. Heard and felt her moan into his mouth as he filled her completely. Her warm, welcoming body closing around him and hugging him tight and providing him with a sense of security. Of something familiar and loving and beautiful. His fingers combed through her hair and his hand slipped down her back and around to her hip. Holding her tightly to him as he moved in and out of her at a firm, controlled pace. His eyes closed. Blocking out everything aside for her pants and sighs and moans and then her cries and gasps when he moved harder and faster.
It was over quickly. The pent up emotion and stress from the day getting the better of both of them. She came with a long, loud cry, her body stiffening against him as she clung to his shoulder. The contracting of her muscles and the sounds she was making sending him over the edge as well. His fingers digging hard into the soft flesh of her hip as he came forcefully, biting down on his bottom lip to reign in his cries.
Hot tears of ecstasy and relief and sorrow poured down his face as he buried his face in her hair and held her as tight as he could.
"It's okay." she whispered. "You made it, Donnie. You're going to be fine now."
He sniffled loudly and held her and his unborn child in his arms. Feeling neither ashamed or embarrassed by his outward display of emotion. With Sam it was okay to just let go and be himself. He didn't have to be big and tough and mean. He could be a lost little boy. Weak. And she didn't judge him because of it. She simply just accepted it and attempted to make it all go away.
She stroked his hair and pulled away from him to gently kiss away his tears. She embraced him and whispered soothing words of love and support in his ear. In time his crying subsided and she wiped his eyes and his cheeks with tender fingertips.
"Better?" she asked.
Flack nodded. He felt tired. Emotional and physically worn out. His eyes felt heavy. He wanted to sleep forever. To forget everything that happened that day and wake up and realize it was all a bad dream. He forced himself to gather the energy needed to pull out of her and head to the washroom to dispose of the use condom.
He turned the cold water on and splashed it on his face and neck. He looked at himself in the mirror. At the bandage covering the stitched up gash on his face. At the grey pallor of his skin and the dark, haunted look in his eyes.
He didn't even recognize himself. Tearing himself away from the mirror he went back into the bedroom. Sam had straightened out the sheets and fluffed the pillows and had pulled her pants back on. She lay on her back, her hands on her stomach, a frown on her face.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing." she replied. "I was just thinking about what I'm going to look like at nine months if I already look six months. I am going to be a beached whale."
He couldn't help but laugh a little. She was so worried about getting fat and being unattractive and undesirable. When in truth, the bigger she got and the more he felt the life they had created together moving inside of her, the more sexy and desirable she became.
"You're going to be beautiful." he assured her, slipping into his boxer shorts before climbing back into bed. He yawned noisily and closed his eyes, his arm across his forehead.
"You need sleep." Sam said, moving across the bed to snuggle in close to him, her arm over his waist, chin resting on his chest.
He nodded in agreement.
"Get some rest, Donnie." she kissed him chastely and went to move away.
He caught her by the arm and pulled her back to him.
"Stay." he said simply.
She smiled and cuddled up to him once again. His hand resting on her back. No other words were spoken. Within minutes she heard his breathing become slow and shallow and she knew that he was asleep.
And at peace for a little while.
Sam's eyes snapped open at the sound of the phone ringing in the next room. She had turned the ringer off on the phone in the bedroom, but the one in the living room was up loud enough for her to hear it. She picked up the cordless resting on the nightstand and checked the call display. The call was coming from the intercom system in their building's front lobby.
She pressed talk. "Hello?" she asked, her voice quiet so as not to disturb Flack, who sometimes in the course of sleep, had rolled over onto his side, his back towards her.
"Sam!" a familiar voice called. "It's Carmen! Can I come up?"
"Sure." she said and pressed nine to buzz Carmen in. She climbed off the bed and tidied her hair and threw on some cleaner clothes before hurrying from the room and closing the door behind her.
She caught sight of the clock in the kitchen as she waited for Carmen's knock. It was almost six thirty. She'd been asleep for almost two hours and felt as if she could sleep twenty. She heard the elevator open and the click of heels on the tiled floor and pulled the door open just as Carmen raised her hand to knock.
"Everything okay?" Carmen asked as she stepped into the small foyer and stepped out of her shoes.
"Don's sleeping. I'm trying to be good and not wake him."
"How's he doing?"
Sam shrugged. "Twelve stitches above his eye and a slight concussion and bruised ribs from the perp sitting on his chest."
"And mentally?" Carmen knew those were the worst injuries of all.
"He's torn up over loosing one of his guy's. And the fact that he had a gun held to his head and the trigger pulled."
Carmen saw, and heard, the way her best friend was struggling to hold in the overwhelming emotions surrounding what had gone down that day. And the thought that she had come painfully close to losing the man she loved more than anything in the world.
"And how are you?" she asked, laying a hand on Sam's shoulder.
"I don't know. I think I'm still in shock over the whole thing. When he told me that the guy had held the gun to his head and…" she struggled to keep herself composed. "When he told me that, Carmen, I felt so sick. Because everything was almost taken away from me just like that. And I couldn't have dealt with that. Being pregnant with his child and his dying before he even gets to see it. I just couldn't have coped with losing him."
"But you didn't. You didn't lose him. Someone was watching out for him and he came home to you. And that's what you need to think about."
"I know. And I'm so grateful. And I feel so bad about that other cop's wife and their little baby and I think about what I would have done if someone came to the lab and told me it was Don. And I feel so guilty for thinking thank God it wasn't me. It's a horrible way to feel when someone has lost their husband."
"No, Sam. It's human. And you should be relieved and happy. Shit, it could have easily gone the other way. But it didn't. And he's here and you guys are going to get married and raise that baby together and grow old together and all that other stuff that comes with being happy and in love."
"But one day we might not be that lucky. One day I might get that phone call and I don't think I could handle that. If something happened to him," tears spilled down her cheeks. "I couldn't go on, Carmen. I'd die without him."
"No, you wouldn't." Carmen drew her best friend into her arms. "That's not the Sam Ross I know and love talking. The Sam Ross I know is strong and independent and is more than capable of taking care of herself. You'd hurt for a hell of a long time and you'd miss him and love him forever and you're heart would break every time you looked at your baby or someone says Don's name, but you would go on. And he'd want you to go on. Do you honestly think he'd expect you to fall over and die if something happened to him?"
"Of course not. We've had this talk. About how if anything ever happened to him he'd want me to go on with my life and take care of the kid. Or kids. That I'm a strong person and I could do it. That he has faith in me that I'd be okay without him."
"See? You wouldn't want to let him down would you?"
"It's just not that easy. To just go on like he never existed."
"Sam, you'd have reminders that he did exist everyday. And you know what? We shouldn't even be talking about this. Because he's safe and he's alive and he's here with you and that baby. And it's a terrible thing about that other cop, but you have every right to be happy it wasn't your man. Okay?"
Sam nodded and drew away and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "What's in there?" she asked, nodding to the plastic grocery bag.
"Ice cream. Strawberries and cream to be exact. Sugar free just for you. Flack will kill me if I load you up on sugar."
"I made some pasta for dinner. There's lots left if you're hungry."
"Sounds good." Carmen said, and they headed into the kitchen together. She spooned out a bowl of ice cream for her friend while Sam prepared a plate of food. "You guys are pretty bare in here." she commented, as she opened the cupboard above the sink to grab a drinking glass.
"Everything's been either packed or tossed out. Don threw out a lot of stuff we're not going to need. Stuff he hasn't even used and nearly forgot he owned. We'll buy new stuff when the money from Zack comes in. We're going to go on a huge ass shopping spree. New bedroom furniture, everything we want for the baby, and anything else we can think of."
"I stopped by the apartment today before all hell broke loose at work." Carmen said as they sat at the table.
"The super called me about confirming the service elevator. And Danny and Adam and Hawkes all said they'll be at your old place at eight am sharp. Don said he'd help, but I don't know what good he's going to be with one hand. Mind you, he's excelling in some things."
Carmen grinned. "I bet he is….is that all you two do?"
"What are you talking about?" Sam asked innocently.
"Give me a break. I've known you long enough to know the look you get on your face when you and Flack have gotten busy. And you've got that look right now."
Sam smiled and spooned some ice cream into her mouth. "Comfort sex." she said. "And it was damn good."
"Living with you two is going to be sheer hell. Listening to all the noises you two make."
"We're not that bad." Sam laughed.
"Please. It's like listening to a porno."
"Like you and Tim don't make noise? Right."
"We're a little more discreet about it than you and Flack are apparently. You two just have no shame."
"We enjoy ourselves." Sam reasoned. "Nothing wrong with that. And for the record, I just want to state that every noise I make is genuine and I don't fake. Ever."
"Flack is more talented than I ever gave him credit for." Carmen laughed. "So I stopped by the apartment and its all painted and spic and span clean and the box for the crib is in the master bedroom."
"Why's it in your bedroom?" Sam asked.
"I decided to take the small room. All my furniture will fit and I'm not going to be there as long as we expected so I don't need the big room. You and Flack will be there for God knows how long and it doesn't make much sense to have your stuff put in the small one and then moved to the big one in a few months time. You know, you're going to have to make a detailed list of stuff you want for the baby so people can start preparing for your shower."
"I don't need a shower. I can afford my own stuff."
"Everyone needs and deserves a baby shower. And my godson or goddaughter is going to damn well have the best one ever. And I'm planning a guys and girls thing. Although I'm not sure how big that will go over with our men. I just can't see Tim or Flack at a baby shower."
"If there's beer and a television close by to watch sports on, Don will be happy. Give him food and he'll be in heaven."
"Has he mentioned anything about IAB or department lawyers, Sam?" Carmen asked curiously.
"Sinclair left a message earlier. About having a lawyer lined up for Don to talk to before IAB gets a hold of him." she replied with a shrug. "He hasn't mentioned anything himself."
"But you know what happened, right? That he shot the perp that attacked him?"
Sam nodded. "Have you heard anything?"
"All I heard is that IAB is already sniffing around and that Flack's guys all said the same thing. They didn't see anything. And everyone from DHS and ATF are backing them. They all say they saw the perp attack him and hold a gun to his head. But that they never saw Flack purposefully shoot the guy in the back of the head because they were too focused on what they were doing."
"He still shot him in the back of the head, Carmen. There's no denying that. And IAB will jump all over him and say if he was in the position to make an arrest he should have made it."
"Not if he shows them his injuries and says he was legitimately afraid for his life." Carmen told her. "He had reason to believe that if that perp got up and got the chance, that that guy would kill him quicker than look at him. So he put the guy out of commission before that could happen. And he can play the whole pregnant wife at home card for extra sympathy."
"Don's not like that." Sam said, getting up from the table to get some more ice cream. "He'll tell them what he feels and how he felt at that time. But he's not going to go in there trying to soften them up with some sob story about thinking he wasn't going to come home to me and his unborn baby. That's not his style."
"But it's the truth." Carmen pointed out. "I bet all he thought about that entire time was you and the baby. And how the hell he was going to get himself out of such a God awful shitty mess. And regardless of what IAB says, I would have done the same damn thing and I'm going to tell them that too if they dare come around the lab asking us about Flack's professional conduct and bullshit like that."
Sam frowned. She'd never considered the possibility of IAB poking around up in the crime lab in an attempt to score dirt on someone. "Do you think they'd actually do that?" she asked Carmen, rejoining her at the table.
"IAB are a bunch of bastards." Carmen declared. "And apparently, the guy who was sniffing around today is some old buddy of Flack Sr."
"Well that's just fucking wonderful." Sam snorted and dug into her ice cream.
"That's a heads up from Mac. In case the mean old buzzard calls here to make his son feel even worse. And just when you think things couldn't go from bad to odd and surreal…."
"We live odd and surreal, Carmen." Sam pointed out. "Nothing could possibly surprise me."
"Evan Lucerno showed up at the lab again today." Carmen announced.
Sam sighed and shook her head. "Goddamn Erica." she mumbled.
"I guess he ran into Danny and recognized him. Hey, aren't you Louie Messer's kid brother and so on and so forth."
"What did Danny say?"
"Told Evan to, and I quote, stop coming around looking for Sam unless you want a two hundred and ten pound, six foot two homicide detective opening a can of whup ass on you."
Sam laughed. "Danny has a way with words."
"Now whether or not it will actually stop things, only time will tell. But….."
A loud knock came to the apartment door and both women glanced in it's direction.
"Are you expecting someone?" Carmen asked.
Sam shook her head. "Wouldn't it be a bastard if that was Evan showing up at my door?"
"He better damn well hope not." Carmen huffed and wiped her mouth on a napkin before pushing away from the table and standing up.
Sam got up as well and followed her fearless, feisty best friend to the door.
"Look," Carmen spoke loudly so the person in the hallway could hear her as she unlocked the door. "I think you need to learn a lesson in tact and not harass pregnant, married women."
The door was pulled open and Sam and Carmen found themselves face to face with Max and Daria.
What the fuck? Carmen thought. Of all people on all of the nights.
"What are you doing here?" Sam asked.
"Sam!" Daria cried and burst through the doorway, hurtling herself at her self-proclaimed auntie.
"Not a good time, Maxwell." Carmen informed her. Feeling the urge to play bouncer and bodyguard. Behind her Sam was showering the little girl with kisses and affection and trying in vain to hush her at the same time. Daria was shrieking and bellowing excitedly. The noise nearly deafening.
Max ignored Carmen and pushed past her into the apartment.
"You missed our lunch date today." Max told Sam a matter of factly.
Carmen immediately went momma bear defensive. "I guess she thought the fact that her husband had a gun held to his head and the trigger pulled outweighed her desire to spend an hour with you."
"Don't get nasty, Devine." Max said, giving the auburn haired CSI a once over and a look that meant she was neither impressed or intimidated.
"Where's Uncle Blue, Sam!?" Daria inquired happily. "Maybe he can play some video games with me?"
"He's sleeping." Sam replied. "He's not feeling well and he needs his sleep."
"Is he sick?"
"A little." Sam told her.
"Can I go and see him?"
"Reign in your kid, Max." Carmen said. "Flack's not in the mood for company."
"I thought maybe Daria and I could come over and keep Sam company. Order take out."
"Yeah, I'm sure that's why you're here." Carmen snorted. "One foot in the door, huh, Max? Just waiting and hoping that Flack and Sam will fuck things up so you can walk right in and sink your fangs into him?"
"You have no clue what you're talking about."
"I know all about women like you." Carmen hissed. "And protecting Sam and that baby is my number one priority. And I swear to God, if you do anything to come between Sam and Flack, I will bury you."
"I was hoping we could all be friends." Max said.
Carmen fought back the urge to laugh. "Get over this whole desire to be Miss Popular. This isn't high school. And not everyone can like you. No one is universally loved. I'm just not afraid to tell someone how I really feel. So do me a favor. Flack is trying to rest and you and your kid need to leave. It's been a long day and he doesn't need the headache. Okay?"
"So why are you here then? Who invited you?" Max challenged.
"I'm actually welcome here. Stop holding onto something that isn't there. Something that was never there to be exact."
Down the hall the bedroom door clicked open. Daria was off in running the moment she heard the footsteps coming towards them. Screaming Uncle Blue a pitch and volume that could burst ear drums.
Carmen stepped away from Max and went to Flack, who was attempting to make nice by teasing and tickling Daria, but who, by the look on his face, was not impressed by all of the unexpected visitors.
"How are you?" Carmen asked, and hugged him.
"Okay." Flack replied and returned the embrace warmly.
She smiled and laid a hand on the side of his face. No words were needed. Apologies were passed between them by the simple understanding in their eyes.
"I know." she said and kissed his cheek. "The important thing is that you're okay. Don't ever scare the crap like that out of us again."
"I won't." he promised with a slight chuckle. He glanced over as Max stepped up beside him and moved away as she attempted to hug him.
"Will you play video games with me, Uncle Blue?" Daria asked, a pleading look in her eyes.
"Sure." he replied, giving a brave, warm smile. "You pick the game."
Daria skipped happily over to the Xbox and the entire shelf of games.
"You're okay, partner?" Max asked, rubbing his back soothingly.
"I'm fine. I just wish everyone would stop asking me that. Stop asking and just let me deal with it already."
Max blinked at the harshness in his tone.
Flack ignored the hurt look the woman gave him and turned his attention to the little girl waiting impatiently for him on the couch. Daria chatted excitedly about the day's events at pre-school while he plugged in the controllers and set everything up. Teasing her in that easy, natural way he seemed to have with kids.
"He's a great father." Max commented.
Carmen's head snapped towards the other woman. "What did you just say? I think you meant he's going to be a great father. To the baby that him and Sam are having. His biological child. 'Cause your kid is not his. She's never going to be his and you need to realize that. What the hell is wrong with you? You and this hang up with him being this stand in daddy. It's fucking nauseating."
"Carmen." Sam said, shaking her head. "It's okay."
"It's not okay. How anyone thinks that this is okay is beyond me. If you think this is okay, either one of you, than your both just as screwed up as she is."
"Take it easy, Carmen." Flack said. "It's no big deal."
It was Sam's turn to snap. She had had enough of the noise and the agony of the entire day and of being expected to be friends with someone that seemed hell bent on simply walking in and taking over.
"No big deal!" she practically screamed. "It's a fucking huge deal to me! She expects you to play daddy to her bastard child while I just stand here, pregnant with your real kid and you say it's no big deal! It's a big deal, Don! Is this how it's going to be when your own child gets here? Running off to solve Max's problems and take her kid places? What are you going to start forking over money too when she needs it?"
"Samantha, calm down…." he was on his feet and heading to comfort her. He laid a hand on her shoulder. Her entire body was trembling. "I know you're pissed and your nerves are shot from today, but getting like this is only going to hurt you and the baby."
"What do you care?" she backed away from him. "You've got another woman and kid to just take our places."
"What the hell has gotten into you?" Flack asked, reaching for her.
"Don't fucking touch me. Just leave me alone." she turned and headed into the kitchen and grabbed her cell phone and keys from the top of the fridge. Hot tears spilling down her cheeks as she went to the closet and yanked her coat and her purse off of a hanger.
"Where are you going?" Flack stood with his hand on the door to prevent her from opening it.
"Get out of my way."
"What is this going to solve? You taking off? Running away from things like you always do."
"I need to get out of here. I need some space. Please. Just give me some time and some space."
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know. Somewhere. Just….Donnie, if you love me like you say you do, you'll back off and let me go."
He sighed and stepped back from the door.
She yanked the door open and hurried out into the hall.
"Will you at least let me know you're okay?" he asked, watching helplessly as she rushed down the hall.
No answer. She pressed the button for the elevator.
"Samantha…at least call me and let me know where you are."
"I want this mess cleaned up before I come back. I mean it. This bullshit with Max. I want it done."
"That's fine." he agreed. "Just call me. Please."
The elevator arrived and she stepped inside. "I'll think about it." she called and hit the close button.
She could hear the faint volume of a television through the heavy wood door. She hoped and prayed that he was alone. She needed peace and solace and someone to listen to her and understand. A shoulder to cry on if she required it. She listened for any voices not coming from the t.v. and then raised her hand. Rapping noisily on the door with her knuckles.
"Hang on!" the familiar voice called out. "I'm comin'! Keep your shorts on!"
She heard the dull click on the dead bolt and the scraping of the chain as it was pulled across. The door was yanked open. He blinked in surprised at the woman before him. He looked slightly dishevelled. As if he'd been in the middle of a nap.
"Are you alone?" Sam asked.
"I am." came the reply.
"I really need someone right now." she said.
He smiled and stepped back and held open the door.
"That's what I'm here for." he told her with a gentle, warm smile.
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his scruffy cheek softly.
He returned the simple act of affection and then closed the door behind them.
Now, I am sure this ending will leave a few of you wondering just what the hell is going on. It was my evil muse's work. She made me do it. So you will just have to wait patiently to see just who it was behind door number one.
Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. Keep it up. I love to get mail!! And to everyone who is lurking and adding me to alerts, thanks for the support! I hope you all keep enjoying.
Plugs:
Aphina: The Tale of Two Girls (it features Sam and Carmen. How wrong could you go? It's a great story), Devine Intervention (Sam and Hawkes. What more can I say? LOL) and Finding Kate over in Miami land.