Heavy decisions
"We suffer everyday, what is it for
These crimes of illusion, are fooling us all
And now I am weary and I feel like I do
It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart
The size of our fight, it's just a dream
We've crushed everything I can see, in this morning selfishly
How we've failed and I feel like I do
It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart
Now that we've chosen to take all we can
This shade of autumn, a stale bitter end
Years of frustration lay down side by side
It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart."
-Only You, Portishead
Flack paced the living room. A hand shoved in his hair. His head was throbbing. Both from the concussion and from an overwhelming, almost blinding tension headache. His chest ached from his bruised ribs and anxiety pains that brought back too many memories of recuperating from the bombing. Nights when he'd wake up in a cold sweat, panicking and groping for his heart that felt as if it was exposed to the world and going to explode.
The only sound in the room was Daria's crying as she clung to her mother's legs. Seeing her Auntie Sam as angry as she was and hearing all the yelling and carrying on had terrified her. As much as Flack cared for the kid, the wailing was driving him nuts and only making the agony in his head even worse. And was a hair away from tossing them both out the door so he could get some peace and quiet. A chance to sort things out. Get a grip on what had just happened. How Sam had just erupted and the things she had said.
He paced because he didn't know what else to do. He was tempted to get an unopened bottle of JD from the cupboard over the fridge and crack it open and guzzle it until there was no more. But he had promised, both to himself and Samantha, that he wasn't going to turn to alcohol to cope. He wasn't going to turn it into a full blown dependency. What he needed to do was fix the mess in his life and get his shit together.
"You just let her go?" Carmen asked in disbelief as she sat perched on the arm of the sofa.
"What was I going to do?" Flack inquired in response. "Drag her back in here kicking and screaming? Hold her down and force her to be here? She needs some space and I'm giving her that."
"Where did she go?"
"I don't know, Carm. She didn't tell me. And I don't think she even knows where she's going. How many places can she go? We know all the same people. I'll give her a while to calm down and then I'll call around and find out where she is and go and get her."
"Why don't you cut your loses Flack." Max told him, scooping a sobbing Daria up into her arms. "Let her go and stay gone."
Flack nearly pulled hair right out of his head that comment angered him so bad. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Carmen open her mouth to lash out, but he raised his hand to silence her. "Just shut the hell up, Max." he seethed. "Do me a favour and keep quiet."
"Someone needs to get through to you." Max continued. "Am I the only one with enough guts to speak the truth around here?"
"You speak a lot of shit is what you do." Carmen snapped. "What are you even here? To check on Flack because he's your partner? Give me a break. To make friends with Sam? What a load of crap. To torment Sam is more like it."
"I came here out of genuine concern for both of them." Max informed the auburn haired CSI.
Carmen smirked and nodded slowly. "Sure you did."
"Look, it's not like I came here to cause problems. I heard about what happened and wanted to make sure they were doing okay. It's not my fault that Sam is insecure in her relationship and with herself."
"You're trying to walk in her family!" Carmen argued. "You have this hang up wanting to make Flack Daria's father. Well he's not and he's never going to be and Sam is his wife and she's having his baby. His biological baby. And if you think he's going to love your daughter as much as his own child and have Daria over her for sleepovers and play dates than you're fucking crazier than I thought!"
"First off, she's not his wife." Max corrected.
Carmen laughed and shook her head. "You're hopeless, utterly fucking hopeless."
"Second, watch your mouth around my daughter."
"You best be watching your mouth." Carmen fumed. "Because I'm about to knock it clear off your face. Sam is as close to his wife as she can get without the legal documents. And that baby she's carrying has Flack's DNA too. He' s daddy to that baby. Not to your kid. Why don't you quit trying to steal Sam's family and find one of your own!"
"Third," Max said, ignoring the rant. "It's up to Don to decide what he wants. If he wants to be part of Daria's life or not."
"I'm not her father, Max." Flack told her, trying to keep his cool. Knowing that if he exploded, there'd be a lot of tears in that apartment. And he wouldn't know how to turn his anger off. "Stop talking like I am. Stop expecting me to be a father to her. I don't want to be her father. I never wanted to be her father and I am damn grateful I'm not 'cause if I was, I'd have to put up with your crap constantly. This is crazy talk. Do you even realize what you're saying? I'm not a stand in. I never will be. I care about her like an uncle would care about his niece, but I'll never love her like my own. I have my own on the way and you need to back off of me and back off of Sam and leave us alone to live our lives."
"You don't want to be a part of her life?" Max looked hurt. "She loves her Uncle Blue."
"It's not that I don't want to be part of her life. I just want it to be on my terms. I have a family, Max. I love Sam and our baby and they are first and foremost to me. And having you around and working with you…." he sighed and shook his head. "It's too much. I can't risk loosing my wife and my child for you, Max. And the first thing I'm doing after this IAB crap is cleared up, is calling Sinclair and Gerrard and asking them for a new partner."
Max blinked. "You're what?"
"I can't take the headache." Flack told her. "I can't run the risk of you coming in between me and Samantha. I love her and can't screw things up with her. And if you were mature, you'd realize it's the best thing for me and her and our baby. I mean, you may be a mother, Max, but you have a hell of a lot of growing up to do."
"And you and Sam and Devine here all just the most mature people in the world, right?" Max fumed.
"Sam and I have issues." Flack admitted. "A lot. But we're working through them and don't need your issues tossed on top of ours. And leave Carmen out of this. She's just sticking up for Sam. I think it's best for you to leave, Max."
The young woman simply nodded. Taking in all of his words. Blinking back tears. "But she gets to stay?" she nodded in Carmen's direction.
"I want her to stay." Flack said. "She's Sam's best friend. Carmen's always been there for her. And me. She's the only person it seems that doesn't bring us grief."
"At least I know who it'll be that you'll be screwing behind Sam's back when the novelty of being a husband and father wears off." Max sniped.
"At least that way he'd be getting good quality and not someone's sloppy seconds." Carmen commented, a bored expression on her face as she simply picked the clear polish off of her nails.
Flack struggled to hold back the laughter that threatened to escape him from both Carmen's snide comment and the furious look that crossed Max's face.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Don." Max said, gathering up Daria's backpack and teddy bear. "You'll wake up one day and realize you're fucking up your life."
"It's my life to fuck up, Max." he told her. "And I love my life and the way it's going. And one day, you'll grow up enough to realize that just because you're unhappy, doesn't mean you have a right to make everyone else unhappy. What's wrong with us being friends? Why do you have to try and make it more? Just accept that things aren't going to progress from where they are now."
"Tell Sam that maybe me and her can try and work out some kind of truce." Max told him, as she headed for the door. "I really would like to be her friend, Don."
"She's got more on her plate right now than worrying about all of that." Flack said. "Let us get through our problems before I dump anything else on her. Can you give her that? Some time for her and I to work on us before she has something else to think about?"
"Fine." Max huffed. "Just let her know that I do care about her and hope she and the baby are okay. I just think the way things are between the two of you….you'd both be better off friends than lovers."
"Friends with benefits." Carmen sighed. "My favorite kind of friends."
"Goodnight, Max." Flack called, and got the slamming of the door in response. He sighed and ran a hand over his weary face and over the back of his head. He glanced over at Carmen and smirked at the whole absurdity of what had just gone down.
"What the hell is wrong with that woman?" Carmen asked, returning the smirk.
Flack sighed and shrugged.
"I swear we should just kill her and find a way to dispose of her body."
"She's just lonely, Carmen. No family here, barely any friends. I don't think she means to come across as a home wrecker. I guess she's just looking for someone to love her and Daria. Some security."
"Yeah? Well as long as you're not the one giving that to her. 'Cause I will kill you if you do anything to Sam."
"Sam's my everything. You know that. If anyone is going to get hurt, it's going to be me. All the stress she brings with her is driving me insane. I just want things to be nice and calm and normal for us for a change. I mean, we deserve that, don't we?"
"Of course. And I'm proud of you for handling things the way you did with Max. For once, you were the mature, bigger person."
"For once?" Flack chuckled. "As opposed to what?"
"Obnoxious. Pig headed. Surly. Conceited. That's just to name a few." she slid off the arm of the couch and headed for the kitchen. "So what do you feel like? Tea? Coffee?"
"Tea? You're hanging around Sam way too much."
"Coffee it is." Carmen decided and disappeared into the next room.
Flack was silent for a long time. Listening to Carmen rummage through the cupboards for mugs and instant coffee and filling the kettle to boil the water. Staring out the window at the steady fall of night. Listening to the strong wind rattle the windows. Looking at his reflection and being disgusted at what he saw. For not doing the right thing sooner and putting a stop to the nonsense bullshit that seemed to be affecting his entire life.
"Sam's going to leave me, isn't she." It was more of a statement than a question. And directed more towards himself than the woman in the next room.
" If Max keeps butting in like this, then I think there's a possibility she'll do what's best for her and the baby." Carmen responded. "And if leaving you is it, then she'll do whatever it takes. I mean, come on, Flack. Max is trying to force herself and her kid on you and you seem to be letting her."
He nodded, letting the words sink in.
"Sam doesn' t need the stress or the friction it causes. It hurts her when she sees you like that with Max and Daria. It's like you already have a pre-made family and you're going to forget about her and the baby."
"Sam and the baby are my family, Carmen. My only family."
"But Sam needs to know that and you need to prove it because after what I saw here tonight I don't blame her for freaking out the way she did."
Carmen rejoined him in the living room and handed him a steaming mug of coffee. She leaned against the back of the couch beside him and sipped her own drink. "And next time she may go running to someone who will look after her and doesn't have a pre-made family and has no objections towards taking care of her or your baby. Because she's perfectly capable of finding someone else. She's not with you because she has to be. She's with you because she wants to be."
Flack sighed. "I know. Lots of guys would have her. But I'm the one that wants her the most. I love her. And my baby. I don't want to lose them."
"Well, if that's the case," Carmen pushed herself away from the couch and went around to the coffee table and picked up the cordless phone. "You better start making some calls."
"And if she doesn't want to come back?" he asked, dread in his eyes at the sheer thought.
Carmen smiled. "You go and get her and bring her back." she said.
She sat at the kitchen table. Her elbows on the table and her face in her hands as she wept openly. He stood watching her, his heart breaking at the sight and silent fury building inside of him over the thought of anyone hurting her. She was beautiful and precious and didn't deserve to be sitting in a cramped, dirty kitchen crying her eyes out a faded old formica table. He fought back his own tears and turned away, busying himself by making some tea and pouring a glass of water from the tap and opening the cupboard. He reached for the Advil and then reminded himself that for pregnant women, Tylenol was preferred. In small doses. He plucked the bottle from the very back and opened it and shook two out into his hand.
"What am I going to do?" she asked, voice muffled by her hands.
"It's going to be okay." he replied, placing the glass of water on the table and laying a hand on the back of her neck. "Here. This will take the edge off a bit."
She looked up and into the palm of his hand. She took the small red pills with a grateful smile and downed them with a gulp of water. "Thank you." she said, and leaned her head back against his chest.
"It'll all work out." he assured her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "So take a deep breath, let it out nice and slow, and tell me what happened."
He went back to the mugs of tea seeping on the counter while she gathered herself and wiped her eyes and began to recount the events of the night. He listened quietly and intently, never interrupting or offering comments. Giving her the time and patience she needed from him to get through it. He dropped the tea bags in the garbage and dumped milk into both. Two heaping spoons of sugar into his. Then joined her at the table, sitting across from her.
"I just don't know what to do." she said, when she'd finished her tale of the things she'd said and done. "I love him. So much I can't breathe properly or think straight sometimes. But I can't let him, or her, do this to me. I have to think about myself and the baby first."
He nodded and sipped tea. For a long time there was silence between them as they each considered what had gone down and what had brought her there that night.
"Flack loves you." he said at long last. "I was wrong before when I said mean things about your guys' relationship. I was just really, really nervous for you. I didn't want you to get hurt. But I trust him and he's a stand up guy and I know he adores you and worships you."
"And Max?" she asked, sipping her tea.
"Ignore her. That's my best advice. She's obviously jealous that she doesn't have a family of her own. And probably a little pissed that Flack's moved on. But I don't think she means to hurt you. She's just doing what she thinks is best for her kid. Mind you, I find it really, horrendously misguided and I think she could handle it so much better."
Sam nodded in agreement and pulled a tissue from the box sitting alongside of her.
"But he does love you, Samantha. And you love him. And you guys are going to get married and have that baby and have a great life together. I think both of you just need to step back, think about the things you've said and done and meet somewhere in the middle and say, 'hey, we've both fucked up. Let's wash the slate clean and start over again'."
A slow smile spread across her face. "When did you become so handy at the advice? You're a regular Dear Abby or Doctor Phil."
"My girlfriend's a psychologist, remember? She's rubbing off on me."
"My little peanut is all grown up." Sam sighed. "Got himself a real woman and a real job. Yet he still can't do the dishes or remember to buy groceries or pay bills on time. You need to move in with that woman and learn from her. She'll whip you into shape."
"Actually," Adam said, running his hands along his mug. "I was thinking of approaching the subject with her."
Sam's eyes lit up at the news. "Hope it's into her apartment. This place deserves to be condemned."
"A woman of Gus' beauty and stature deserves a palace." Adam declared. "And this is the dungeon in that palace. Her place is much nicer. And bigger. Lots of room for my video games and comic books and what not."
Sam rolled her eyes. "The trash is the best place for those."
"Hey, some of those comics are rare collectors items and worth a mint. Just because you can't understand the sentimental and monetary value, don't put down my hobby. I don't say anything about your hobby. I mean, knitting? Come on. How old are you?"
"A lot of people knit. Young and old. And it's mom's fault for getting me on to it."
"When's the last time you actually knitted something worthwhile? That someone could use?"
"I sent you a sweater last Christmas." she reminded him.
Adam laughed. "The sleeves were three times too long and I couldn't get my head through the top because you made the hole too small."
Sam laughed as well. It felt as if it had been a long time since she'd last laughed. And it felt invigorating.
Adam smiled across the table at his sister. "Better now?" he asked.
She nodded. "Can I stay here tonight? I think Don and I need some time apart to think about things."
"Sure. I'll ride the couch for a night."
Sam frowned. "When's the last time you changed the sheets? I mean, I love Gussie and all, but I don't want to be sharing certain things with her."
"I changed them just this morning. All clean, I promise. I'm going to call Flack and let him know that you're okay and you're crashing here tonight. Okay?"
"Okay." she conceded. "Just tell him…..tell him I love him and I'll be home tomorrow."
"I can do that. You want to talk to him? If he asks?"
"Just tell him I've gone to bed. Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm exhausted."
"What? No all nighter playing the Wii and eating junk food?"
"Sorry, peanut. I'll have to take a rain check."
Adam sighed dramatically and stood up and gathered their dirty cups. "It's okay. I have to go in early tomorrow and finish off some things for Mac anyway. I think I'll play Second Life on the PC for a bit and hit the sack myself."
"That's the weirdest damn game in the world." Sam declared. "I've never understood your fascination."
"It's not a fascination dear sister. It's an obsession."
"Oh," she laughed. "My mistake."
She pushed her chair away from the table and stood up. Was about to say goodnight and step around the table when a sharp, agonizing pain hit her low in the stomach and in the small of her back and doubled her over with a cry.
Adam looked over his shoulder and saw her in distress. He dropped the mugs in the sink with a clatter and hurried to her. "Sammie?!" he bent down alongside of her, a hand on her back. "Are you okay? What is it?"
She grabbed a hold of the collar of his shirt and buried her face in his shoulder.
"Is it the baby?"
She nodded.
"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to call Flack?"
She shook her head.
"He's the father. He needs to know if….."
"You can call him afterwards. I need…..we need to go to the hospital, Adam. I need you to take me to the hospital."
"Want me to call an ambulance? You can't get there on your own."
"Adam, no ambulance." she spoke through gritted teeth. "Just call a cab and take me to Women's and Children's. You need to call my OB. Her number is in my cell. Call her on the way there and…." she moaned and clutched her stomach as another pain assailed her. "Just get me there, Adam. Okay?"
He nodded, terrified that something was going to happen to her or his unborn niece or nephew. Or both. He bolted across the kitchen and grabbed his wallet off the top of the fridge and snagged his keys off of a hook by the sink. He shoved his feet into his runners and hurried back to his sister. Who was deathly pale and shaking and covered head to toe in sweat. He snatched up her purse and cell phone from the table and did the first thing that came naturally to him.
He picked her up and carried her.
Flack ran every red light that crossed his path. Carmen had no idea how he managed to get them to Women's and Children's in fifteen minutes flat and avoid getting into a major accident when he was driving his own vehicle and not a squad with sirens and lights. He'd just been getting prepared to make phone calls to the other members of the team to locate Sam when Adam had called, nearly frantic, saying that he and Sam were on their way to the hospital in a cab.
Carmen hadn't thought twice about going along. She'd simply hurried out the door after him and climbed into the passenger seat of his SUV. He never questioned her presence and didn't speak throughout the entire drive. But she could see the intense worry and fear etched all over his handsome face. She'd called Speed on the way to let him know what was going on. He promised to bail on what was left of his late shift at the lab and be at the hospital as soon as he could.
The lot for emergency room patients was full. There was no time limit on the small amount of spaces and there was no chance of being ticketed or towed. Flack wasn't in the mood to scour the expansive underground complex for a spot. His luck, the only spot available would be something the farthest away from where they actually needed to be and they'd have to walk ten minutes to get to the proper elevator that would take them closest to the ER. Instead, he pulled into the first available spot he saw in the short stay lot. Ignoring the instructions to obtain a ticket first from the dozing parking attendant.
"Uh…….Flack……." Carmen attempted to point out the obvious sign as she hurried to catch up to him as he headed towards the ER entrance.
"Fuck it, Devine." came the snarky response.
"Excuse me! Sir!" the attendant, all five foot five and a hundred and twenty soaking wet, called as he raced through the lot after them. "Sir! Sir! You need to get a ticket from me first! You can't park here with it a ticket!"
"Just fucking watch me." Flack shot back, then nearly tripped over the wisp of a man when the attendant stepped in front of him to block his way. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Sign clearly states you can't park here without a ticket from the attendant. That's me. And you didn't come to me for a ticket. Tickets are for a maximum of two hours in this lot. Are you going to be longer than two hours?"
"More than bloody likely." Flack told him and went to step around the man.
The attendant shifted over two steps to block the way once again. "There's a two hour limit. There's an underground lot where you can park as long as you want. You can get a ticket from me and stay for two hours, then leave and come back into the lot for another two hours."
"Are you kidding me?" Flack snorted. "You've got to be kidding me. Get the hell out of my face."
"No ticket, no parking space."
"What are you going to do? Call security on me?"
"Could have your truck towed."
"Tow the fucking thing than. I have worse problems. Now take a hike."
"Or I could call the cops." the attendant threatened.
Carmen pulled her badge off the waist band of her pants and shoved it in the attendant's face. She normally removed the badge when she left work, but it had been one of those forgetful days. "I am the cops. And so is he." she jerked a thumb at Flack.
"Still can't park here for more than two hours." the attendant, unimpressed informed them.
"I'll be back to move the fucking truck!" Flack snapped. "Now get outta my way before I move you outta my way."
The attendant, neither frightened or put out, held his hands up in peaceful surrender and backed away and headed back to his hut.
"Moron." Flack mumbled and hurried across the narrow lane of traffic picking people up from the ER, Carmen having to practically jog to keep up.
"Flack!" Adam's voice called from the opposite direction. "Carmen!"
The lab tech was standing outside of the main doors to the hospital two hundred yards away, waving his arms over his head to get their attention.
"What the fuck, Adam!" Flack roared as he approached the dishevelled, panicked lab tech. "What the hell happened?"
Adam visibly shook. As much as he liked Flack and was glad the guy was becoming his brother in law, the homicide detective was scary as hell. He was big and burly and sarcastic and nasty as hell on the best of days. Adam had been terrified of Flack from the very first day he'd began working at the lab and he'd heard Flack have a near meltdown on a tech that misplaced some test results.
"Sam….she's….she's not in the ER….." Adam said, stumbling over the words. "The doctor, her doctor, Lightheart or whatever her name is, I called her on the way here and she arranged for Sam to get a bed upstairs right away. A private room. Just like you guys wanted for when she has the baby."
"Take it easy, Adam." Carmen laid a hand on his shoulder. "Take a breath and relax."
"They're gonna do some tests. Blood work and ultrasound and all that stuff. But they can't start until you get up there and fill out some paperwork and information. I don't know what it is but that's what they said. And Sam…..I don't know….she's not feeling well and she's having lots of pain and she's been throwing up and they gave her some meds to stop that and the contractions and……"
"Whoa……slow down." Flack said. "Contractions? She just got past the four month part. She can't be having contractions."
"It's what the nurse said." Adam told his future brother in law. "The nurse said it could be pre-term contractions and there's meds that can stop them and hold things off until the baby could stand a chance of surviving outside of the womb. I heard one of them saying that there was a baby up there once born at 24 weeks and weighing like a pound and a bit. Kid was up in NICU for the better part of eight months."
Flack took a deep breath and walked away for a moment, a hand to his forehead as he exhaled slowly.
"You're not helping." Carmen told the lab tech.
"It doesn't mean that that's going to happen to Sam." Adam said sheepishly. "I mean, these meds can stop things completely and she can still go full term. I'm just saying what I heard."
"What happened, Adam?" Flack repeated.
"Sam came to my place all upset over some crazy bullshit that happened with Max. And she calmed down and we talked and I said I was going to call you to let you know she was okay and she got up from the table and had this really, really bad pain and….." Adam paused to take a breath. "And here we are."
"How is she now?" Carmen asked.
"Scared. Very scared. She's been asking for Flack in between her puking."
"We better go in." Carmen said, rubbing both Flack and Adam's backs and leading the way to the front doors. "Both of you just calm down and try to take it easy."
"I'm sorry, Flack." Adam continued to ramble. "I should have called you as soon as she showed up."
"Yeah, you should have."
"You know what? Don't talk to me like that." Adam stopped walked and defended himself vehemently. "Samantha may be your wife in couple months and having your baby, but she's still my sister. And we're on the same team here. The same side. And that's Sam side. We both love her and she's major important to both of us. So cut the homicide cop bull crap and get your shit together. Because she doesn't need the stress or the drama and she's had a hell of a fucking day. Okay?"
Flack and Carmen both blinked.
"I mean, shit, she's important to me too." Adam said, and tears welled in his eyes.
Flack stepped forward and laid a large, comforting hand on the back of Adam's neck and looked his future brother in law dead in the eye.
"You're going to break me in half aren't you." Adam said. "You want to put me through a wall."
Flack shook his head.
"I want you to take me in to see your sister." he said. "Can you do that?"
Adam nodded and sniffled noisily and wiped his misty eyes on the sleeve of his shirt.
Flack put his arm across the younger man's shoulders. "Lead the way, Ross." he said.
The fourth floor was relatively quiet. Adam led them to the labour and delivery ward where women in various stages of labour walked the floors with their nervous and scared looking partners. Down the hall to the left, the muffled crying of newborns in the nursery could be heard. Further down were the NICU and Level II step down units. Outside of the massive double doors that led into the birthing areas, anxious family members lounged in chairs and attempted conversation and tried being interested in a t.v. mounted on the wall that was playing CNN.
Adam slammed his palm down on an automatic button on the wall to his left and the doors before them opened slowly. He motioned for them to follow him to a central nurses station located in the middle of the massive room. The station was surrounded on either side by glass walled waiting and active labour areas. Curtains drawn across most for privacy.
There were several nurses buzzing about the station. Checking over charts and signing off on medications and patients vitals and answering phone calls from curious relatives of women in labour.
Adam stepped up to the desk. Shifting nervously from foot to foot, drumming his fingers on the counter top and looking extremely worried and uncomfortable with the situation he was in.
"This dad?" one of the nurses - a short, chubby middle aged woman with short, spiky black hair and black framed glass, wearing a baby blue scrub set- asked as she saw Adam and Flack side by side before her.
Adam nodded.
The nurse slapped a pen and a clipboard down in front of Flack. "These need to be filled out ASAP. Doctor won't start any of the tests without your consent. And we need insurance information."
"And what about my wife?" Flack asked. Understanding why the forms needed to be signed, but not understanding why he couldn't give verbal consent, go in and see Sam and check how she was doing, and then sign. He didn't like the idea of her being in a hospital room, scared and alone.
"You can see her after you've finished filling those out and signing them. You're all relatives?"
"This is our sister, Carmen." Adam explained. "She's the labour and delivery coach."
"You both can go down." the nurse told them. "But when dad comes, the doctor will want to talk to him and you'll both have to leave the room."
"We're not stupid." Carmen informed the offhanded woman. "We know that."
"Just informing you of the rules, miss."
"Well thank you." Carmen offered a phony, sugary sweet smile before turning to Flack and laying a hand on his back. "I'll let her know that you're here, okay?"
He nodded and watched as Carmen and Adam headed down the hall. Talking quietly, Carmen rubbing the lab tech's shoulder comfortingly.
"Hope the other guy looks worse." the nurse commented.
"What?" Flack asked, then remembered the bandage covering his stitches and the cast on his hand. "Yeah," he laughed lightly. "He does. He's down at the Medical Examiners Office waiting for his autopsy."
She stared at him.
"I'm a cop." Flack explained. "We had a raid today and….never mind. It's a long story. But yes, he does look worse than me. A lot worse."
"Good to hear." she said with a light chuckle.
"Can you at least tell me how my wife is?" Flack asked, turning his attention to the task at hand.
"She's stable for now."
"For now? What does that mean?"
"We're monitoring her condition. She's stable for the time being."
Flack frowned. "What about the baby?" he asked.
"We're keeping an eye on the baby as well. They are both stable."
"But the baby is okay, right?" he inquired anxiously. "There still is a baby. Right?"
"Mom and baby are doing as well as we are expecting them to." the nurse replied vaguely.
What the fuck does that mean?! Flack wanted to scream. He wanted straight answers. He was used to having straight, honest to God answers from people when he was on the job and expected them in his personal life as well. He hated people skirting around issues and talking a bunch of bullshit.
"I just want you to tell me the way things are." Flack told the nurse in all seriousness.
She looked up. The tone of his voice letting her know he meant business. And she found herself staring into intense blue eyes.
"Are my wife and my baby going to be okay?" Flack asked.
"We don't know." the nurse replied honestly.
"Both or just one?"
"We honestly don't know."
Flack sighed heavily and nodded slowly. Tears burned his eyes. He could barely see the paper in front of him.
"I'm very sorry." the nurse told him, and reaching up, laid a hand over his. "We'll do the best we can for both of them. We're monitoring them both very closely. And I can tell you that baby seems to be strong and healthy. Mom's health…..not so good."
"Is it the pre-eclampsia and the diabetes or something worse than all that?" he asked, fearing the answer.
"We're keeping an eye on both of those issues and we'll be doing some more tests to rule other things out. There's nothing more I can really tell you. I'm not your wife's nurse. When she comes back from checking your wife, you'll be able to talk to her."
"I just want to know if she's going to get out of here alive. That's all I want to know."
"I doubt we're looking at anything life threatening. But she needs care and we need to find out exactly what's wrong and believe me, she's in the best possible hospital for that."
"And what are all these papers for?" Flack nodded down at the clipboard. "What am I actually signing for?"
"Consent for testing, insurance information, permission to perform a dilation and curettage if it's medically needed."
He paused in his signing. "What is that?" he asked. "That last thing you mentioned."
"A procedure where we open the cervix and surgically remove the contents of the uterus."
"And why the hell would I give consent to do that?"
"In case of a miscarriage or if the doctor feels further carrying the pregnancy is too much of a risk for the mother's health."
Jesus Christ, he thought, struggling to process the information being tossed at him. If this isn't the day from hell, I don't know what is.
"If that's done can she still have more kids?" he asked.
"If she's capable of successfully carrying to term, there would be no reason why she couldn't get pregnant again."
He sighed, ran a hand over his weary face and stepped away from the desk momentarily to gather himself and contemplate the options. If it was too dangerous for her to carry the baby to term, he didn't want to take the risk of loosing both her and the baby. And if she could still get pregnant, then the procedure wasn't a horrible option. He just hoped it would never come done to something so drastic.
Flack returned to the desk and scrawled his signature to the bottom of the paper.
"I know it's a difficult decision to make." the nurse said sympathetically, taking the clipboard back from him. "Normally, if the patient is competent enough to make their own decisions, they sign the papers themselves. But your wife made it very clear when she came in that you would handle all the decisions regarding her care. Are you legally married?"
"Does that matter?" he asked irritably.
"I just noticed the differences in the last name. In most cases, we would leave medical decisions to next of kin within the family. Which would be her brother."
"Yeah? Well I can have her employee file brought over here that shows she made me her next of kin in case something happens to her. Now can I go and see my wife? Am I done here?"
The nurse nodded. Then looked towards the end of the desk as one of her colleagues slipped behind the work station. A tall and willowy blond with a gentle smile and graceful features.
"Gayle?" she called over. "Samantha Ross' husband is here."
The blond came around the desk and walked over to Flack with her hand outstretched. A calm, reassuring smile on her face.
"I'm Gayle Fellows." she said in a soft, melodic voice. "I'll be looking after your wife Mr Ross."
He shook her hand. "It's Flack actually. Samantha and I….we're not actually married. I mean, we're almost there. Couple more months."
Gayle reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder, sensing the nervousness and fright in his voice and seeing it in his eyes.
"She's doing very well." she told him. "She was having some cramping and some light spotting that we contributed to pre-term contractions. We've given her some medication in an IV drip and both the pain and the bleeding have stopped. She's hooked up to a fetal monitor to assess the baby's heart rate, which is strong and normal."
"What about her blood pressure and all that?"
"Her pressure is shockingly high and we have her on meds to bring it down. Her sugar level is also high and that's been making her nauseous and had the doctor worried about seizures considering she's had an experience with them before. You've signed all the consent papers?"
Flack nodded.
"Now that we have them, we'll run a standard ultrasound to check for fetal movement and to see if there's any problems we can spot, uterine wise, that could have caused the contractions. If we don't get results we want, we'll do a more intensive 4D ultrasound. I read in her chart that you had one planned already for some time in October? To check for fetal abnormalities?"
"She had some blood work come back that suggested that there could be a problem. She had her blood taken again today. Do you think that that's why this happened because there's something wrong with the baby?"
"I doubt one has anything to do with the other. This seems to be a problem with the mother. The ultrasounds should tell us more. And they should also be able to check for abnormalities instead of waiting until your other appointment."
"That would be nice." Flack said with a heavy sigh. "It's been a lot of worry. That could have caused this with Sam, right? Worrying and stressing all the time?"
"We'll look at every possible angle." Gayle told him, rubbing his shoulder as she gently led him away from the desk. "She's in very good hands, Mr Flack. We're taking great care of her. I'll take you down to see her now. She's been asking for you."
"How long will she be here?" he asked, as the nurse guided him down the hall.
"That's up to the doctors once they get the test results and see what the ultrasounds say. She'll be in for a few days at the least. It's possible she could be here for the rest of her pregnancy. We won't know for sure until all the testing is done."
"But they're going to be okay, right? Her and the baby?" he stopped walking and turned pleading eyes on the nurse. "I won't have to loose one to safe the other will I? 'Cause I don't think I can make that decision. I'm not that strong of a person."
"I think right now, the best thing for you to do is try and relax, spend some time with your wife and pray for the best possible outcome. I wish there was more to tell you."
"Just….." he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Just take care of them. Especially her. We can have other kids, right? It's just that Sam…..I can't lose her. Take care of her. Please."
Gayle heard the desperation in his voice. Saw it on his face. "We'll do the best we can." she promised him.
"I need to see my wife now." he said, his voice quiet and strained with emotion.
"She's waiting for you." Gayle said, and led the way with her hand resting on his back.
They walked in silence. The hundred yards seemed like a hundred miles. And each step he took, Flack's heart grew heavier and his strength and will became to crumble even further.
Even the strong had their weak moments. He was beginning to realize that weakness wasn't a sign that he was lesser of a man.
It was a sign that he was human.
While Flack was completing the paper work down at the nurses station and Adam slipped into the quiet room next door to place a phone call to Gus, Carmen stepped through the doorway of the dimly lit, spacious private room Sam had been admitted to less than an hour before. The only sounds in the room Sam's soft breathing mixed in with the beeps and hums from the fetal monitor attached around her stomach and the EKG machine keeping an eye on her vitals. She was in a semi reclined position in the standard hospital bed. An IV hooked up to her left hand and wires leading from the neckline of her hospital gown. Her face was turned towards the window and her eyes were closed.
Carmen approached the bed quietly and dropped her jacket and purse on the foot of the bed before going around to the side and leaning over the railing to smooth her friend's hair away from her face and press a tender kiss to Sam's forehead.
"I'm scared, Carmen." Sam said in tiny, wounded voice that her best friend had never heard before.
Sam Ross was feisty and stubborn and took no shit but could deal shit out with the best of them if need be. She was tough and edgy when the situation called for it. A little bit wild and eccentric. But there were times she seemed like an overwhelmed, terrified little girl caught up in a big girl's game.
"How'd you know it was me?" Carmen asked, pulling up a chair to sit at her friend's bedside.
"Don doesn't smell like Obsession or have that soft or small of hands." Sam replied, turning her head to the side to face Carmen.
"How are you feeling? Adam said you were having a lot of pain. Has it gone away?" she laid a hand on Sam's stomach. "Have they said anything about the baby?"
"They said the heart rate is normal. Very strong. No signs of distress.That the pain was something on my part. They don't know what and can't check until Don signs the consent papers for an ultrasound. But they said they don't think it's the baby that has the issues."
"Well that's good right?" Carmen tried her best to sound optimistic. "They just need to get you straightened around and everything will be fine."
"I hope so." Sam said with heavy sigh and turned to look out the window again. "I'm really sick, Carmen., They don't know what's wrong for sure but this wouldn't be happening if I wasn't really sick."
"They'll figure it out and get you back on your feet. Okay? Don't give up on yourself, Sam. Or that baby. Or Flack."
"I'm not giving up. On myself or anyone else. I was angry Carmen. Angry and hurt and scared and look what's happened. Look where's it's got me. I brought this on. I caused this all to happen."
Silent tears spilled down Sam's cheeks. Carmen reached out and brushed them away with her fingertips.
"It's going to be okay." Carmen assured her. "Don took care of things. He's on your side a hundred percent, Sam. He told Max to leave and that he was getting a new partner. He was good about it and handled it well. He wasn't nasty. He just told her that the best thing for you was for him not to be so close to her anymore."
Sam sniffled. "He said that?"
"Like you ever doubted he felt that way? Come on, Sam. He loves you. And his baby. There's nothing he wouldn't do for you guys. He's a good guy and you need to give him more credit. Everything he does is what he feels is best for you and the baby."
"I just can't stand the thought of him loving some other man's child more than his own."
"That's never going to happen. Stop worrying about all of that. Just lie there and relax. Adam is calling Gussie and Speed said he'd call the rest of the team and let them know."
"I don't want a lot of visitors." Sam said, shifting uncomfortably in the bed.
"You don't have to have any." Carmen said. "They'd wait outside the room all night to make sure you guys are okay. You know that."
Sam nodded and closed her eyes.
Carmen settled back into the chair and watched her friend as she rested. And prayed everything would be all right.
A knock came to the glass door and Carmen looked up to see Flack and Sam's nurse standing in the doorway.
"Dad's here." Gayle said quietly. "How's our patient?"
"I'm just resting my eyes." Sam replied.
"I'm going to go and call Tim and get some coffees." Carmen said as she stood up and leaned over the bed to peck Sam's forehead once more. "Can you have anything to eat or drink?" the question was directed more to the nurse.
"Fluids only right now." Gayle said. "Until the doctor says otherwise. Tea, water, juice. Even popsicles are okay."
Sam smiled. "Cherry popsicles. Or those three coloured ones."
"I'll bring you back a whole freezer." Carmen said and ran her hand over Sam's hair before slipping away from her bedside. She gave Flack a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand before stepping past him and leaving with the nurse.
Flack went to the side of the bed vacated by Carmen. Tried to ignore all the wires and IV tubes and how deathly pale and sick she looked. He placed a hand on top of her head and leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips.
"I'm sorry." Sam said, tears pooling in her eyes as she looked up at him, her lower lip wobbling.
"There's nothing to be sorry about." he told her. "Why didn't you let me bring you here earlier when you had that pain in the kitchen?"
"I just thought I'd strained myself reaching. I didn't think there was something wrong with the baby. Have they said anything to you? Anything at all?"
"No more than what they've told you." Flack said as he took a seat in the chair. "We just have to sit and wait for your doctor to get off her ass and get up here and do some tests."
"Are you scared, Donnie?"
He nodded and picked up her hand and held it to his lips.
"Me, too." she said and looked towards the window once again.
"I love you." he told her, fighting with his emotions. "Don't leave me."
"I'm not going anywhere." she said. "At least not right now."
"I mean ever."
A light smile crossed her lips. "I can't promise you that." she said.
"Don't talk like that." he scolded her and reached for the box of tissues on the bedside table. Tearing out a handful and wiping his eyes.
Silence fell between them. She stared out the window at the lights that sparkled on the jet black horizon, her hand resting on her stomach. He sat holding her hand to his face, her knuckles against his cheek. Watching her.
"I heard you fixed it." she said at long last.
Flack nodded. "I did." he told her.
"Thank you."
"For you, Sam. Anything for you. You know that."
She smiled once again and looked at him. "I love you, Donnie." she said.
He leaned across the bed and kissed her softly and rested his head against hers.
She took his free hand, cast and all and set it on her stomach.
They stayed like that for a long time. Each protecting the other. Praying that nothing would shatter their small family.
A.N.: Sorry folks, the evilness still lingers. Some issues do however get resolved in this. And for all you Sam and Peanut fans, your wish is my command.
Also, TPTB have gone and named Flack's sister, Samantha. Two weeks ago,she was Melanie, now she's Samantha. And she's going touch a lot of people. Including Adam and Stella. So we have my Sam who is Adam's sis and is involved with Flack, and now coming up their Sam, who is Flack's sis who by the sounds of it, gets involved with Adam. Confused yet? I know I am. LOL. New readers and TPTB my Sam was created before the other. Just a heads up.
Thanks to everyone that is reading and reviewing. The b/f erased the in box yet again so I have vowed to return reviews ASAP to avoid him being such a silly a. And lurkers? Please come out of hiding. I'd love to hear from you guys.