Do not be deceived by the title.
Patrick slid the key into the lock of their apartment door listening in vain for any sounds of life inside. It had been a terrible thing to leave Robin at the hospital. If she wasn't here, he would go out and find her. He really hoped she was here though; he didn't know if he could take another step. After the doctor's diagnosis, he had gone on one of Robin's famous aimless walks and wound up at Jake's of all place. Brenda poured him a shot and he told her about the baby. She had offered up and ear and he had fanned out some money for the drinks. The best part about telling Brenda instead of consulting one of his or Robin's family members was that she had absolutely nothing to lose or gain from the information. They weren't friends. Brenda hadn't given him advice, but then he hadn't actually wanted any. His entire reason for going to her had more to do with the fact that nothing he could say would hurt her and the same wouldn't have rung true for Robin.
He could still see Robin's pained expression clearly in his mind, the one she had worn when she had asked him if he was behind her decision to not terminate the pregnancy. How could he be? What was he supposed to have said? He couldn't tell her that he thought it was a great idea or even a rational one, because it was neither. She was willing to give up her life to give him a baby that he had never said he wanted and he felt absolutely indignant.
After about two shots, he had started to recall the nightmares she had had and the night she had finally told him what they entailed. Her decision had little or nothing to do with what he wanted and that had called for another shot. Enraged, he accepted a wager on a game of pool with a man that looked like his face had been run over by a truck and ended up getting his ass kicked. The second game wasn't nearly as productive and Brenda had called a cab for him.
He had the cab driver take him to Kelly's and he found the spare key to Lulu's apartment. The eerie silence upon entering the tiny dwelling had stopped his breath. She should have been here giving him a hard time for interrupting her life and still a little sore about the way he and the guys had treated her dear Barnaby. She should have threatened to call Aunt Laura and tell her about the condition he had shown up in. He could already hear the sanctimonious speech she would deliver him. Unlike the rest of his family, she didn't think before she spoke. Once she was certain her words had sunk into his subconscious, she would offer to clean him up and not spill a word to anyone else.
Cleaned up and feeling a little less than refreshed, Patrick slipped out the back, certain no one had spotted him, and headed home. He knew better than to leave Robin alone with her thoughts for too long. She had probably cleared out his side of the closet. His camera equipment was most likely smashed. If that happened to be the case, he would have understood completely.
Understanding: something he hadn't been able to find since her car accident. What kind of God would condemn her, and not just once but over and over again? Hadn't she suffered enough? Why grant her the gift of a child and then tell her in the same breath that one or both of them wouldn't survive the pregnancy? Where was the justice in that? He had pretty much gotten his just desserts for all the shit he had pulled in his twenty-six years of life, but what had Robin done? She had loved completely and without reserve to what it would end up costing her. It wasn't fair! Uncle Luke's voice piped into the back of his mind, "Who said life was supposed to be fair?"
Stepping across the threshold, Patrick's voice jumped into his throat at the sight of Robin sprawled across the living room floor. He couldn't tell if she was breathing. Her back was to him. Her hair was hiding her face. When he had thought she was pregnant two months ago, he had expected certain risks that her condition carried along with it. When Dr. Lansing gave them the best and worst news in the time it took to blink, he had wondered why he had spent as much time at church as he had if God wasn't going to protect the only woman he had ever loved.
Shutting the door behind him, he closed the distance between them and with his hand pressed to the floor beneath her he rolled her carefully onto his arm. "Robin?" This close, he could hear her breathing, see the rise and fall of her chest even if it was shallow. "What are you doing on the floor?" He asked when he noticed her eyes flutter open in confusion.
"I fell asleep." Robin watched him warily. He couldn't entirely blame her for not trusting him. She had needed him and he had let her down. He was here now, but only time would tell if that even mattered at this point.
"This isn't good. You should have gone upstairs or at least gotten on the couch." Patrick shook his head in obvious distress. Robin wanted to find hope in his reaction to finding her this way, but that would have been foolish. She knew exactly where he stood on the issue. The issue. She had to think of it that way. Thinking about it as a baby would cripple her.
"I'm fine, Patrick." Robin bit back. "Nothing broken. I managed without you." Her words cut him to the quick and he wanted to look away, but then she would have been justified in hating him.
He ignored her response and slid his hands under her arms to help her to her feet. Leaning into him was such a natural inclination she didn't even realize was doing until after he had her enveloped her in his embrace. "I'm surprised you came back...and there's still light outside. Look at that. Wonders never cease."
"Stop it." Patrick barked at her.
"Am I getting to you?" Robin attempted a smile, but it faltered on her wobbly lips.
"Sit down." Patrick didn't wait for her response, simply took her hand and dragged her over to the couch.
"What?" Robin demanded after a long pause. A pregnant pause some would call it. She tried to smile again, but it died faster than the first had.
He figured he could have apologized, but that would have been a great disservice to her, because it would have been hollow. There was no excuse for what he had done. It was unforgivable and yet he still found himself hoping she would forgive him. "I went to Jake's."
Robin nodded her head, her eyes glistening with tears and her lips pressed solidly together. "Dr. Lansing tells us we're having a baby and you go hide out in a bar."
"I wasn't hiding!" Patrick argued.
"Right. Right, you were drinking. You were trying to make sure everyone saw your secret pain." Robin scoffed at him.
"I was trying to sort everything out before I came to talk to you." Patrick clarified.
"What were doing talking to anyone else when you should have been here talking to me?" Robin didn't care if she was being unfair. The sight of him running out on her had left her feeling cold all over. If he thought he could just walk through that door and expect to be forgiven, he had another thing coming. She didn't want to consider how all of this affected him, because he hadn't given her that luxury.
"What are we going to do?" They could play the blame game all night long, but it wouldn't get them anywhere.
"We? We're not going to do anything." Robin assured him.
"Robin, this isn't just about you. This is about us." Patrick emphasized the last word.
"This stopped being about us the second you walked out that door. Don't come in here acting all upset because I made a decision without you." Robin threatened.
"You made the decision without considering any of the risks. Be mad at me if you want to, but I still get to worry about you. You're not thinking about the facts." Patrick condemned.
"I am aware of the facts, Patrick. After you left, Dr. Lansing attempted to schedule me for an appointment to terminate this pregnancy." Robin informed him.
"Son of a bitch." Patrick gritted through his teeth.
"Are you going to pretend you don't agree with him?" Robin dared him to even try it.
"He does have science on his side." Patrick answered carefully.
"I thought I had you on my side, but I was wrong, wasn't I? Wasn't I, Patrick?" Robin screamed at him.
"What side would that be, Robin? I'll never be okay with you accepting death. It'll never be fine for you to give up—"
"Give up? Is that really what you think I'm doing?"
"I think you're punishing yourself for what happened to Morgan."
"This isn't about Morgan!"
"The hell it isn't! From the second he told us you were pregnant, you've been willing to give up your life for a baby that your body is trying its best to—"
"Please, stop." Robin begged him.
The quiet plea broke Patrick's heart. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
"You obviously weren't worried about how it would affect me for you to walk out on one of the best and worst days of my life!"
"It would have been worse if I had stayed. Everything was jumbled in my mind. I would have ended up hurting you far worse."
"I don't see how that's possible."
"Help me understand please. I am trying to understand what you think is so bad about your life that you have to basically commit suicide for a baby that isn't any bigger than a pea."
"Why can't you try trusting that maybe I am strong enough to do this?" Robin snapped.
"I know you're strong. I've seen it. I see it everyday. This is different. This isn't about beating the odds. This isn't about breaking a record. If you go through with this, if I accept it...Robin, I refuse to give you up!"
"Patrick, I'm not..." Robin let her words trail off. She wanted him to look at her, but he was doing his very best to avoid eye contact. She tried to reach out and touch him, but he shrugged off her hand.
"How do you know?" Patrick demanded brokenly. "How can you say that you know for sure?"
"I don't know anything for sure, Patrick. I could walk outside and get hit by a bus. Death isn't a prediction. I'm trying to hold onto what little time I've been given—"
"Stop it!" Patrick yelled. "I don't want to hear—"
"It's always been a possibility. You knew that when you told me you loved me. Even if I weren't pregnant, you would still need to face this—"
"I can't." Patrick whispered. "I won't."
"Whether or not you accept my decision, death is not something that can be hindered." Robin insisted.
"You think I don't know that?" Patrick slammed his hands against the glass of the coffee table, only stubbornness keeping it from cracking beneath his fingertips. "I'm not ever going to be able to just accept that I could lose you—"
"Will lose me." Robin corrected him. "You will lose me. It'll be sooner than either of us wants, but it is a guarantee."
Patrick shot to his feet and found them to be shaky and unpredictable. He grasped for the side of the couch and worked his way around to back of it, unable to meet Robin's eyes for fear of the conviction he would find there. He wanted to tell her so many things in that moment—that he loved her, that they would figure this out, that he was sorry for leaving her and never would again—but he held his tongue. He was terrified that she had finally found a reason to give up on him just as his father had. What was he supposed to say? How could he make her face the ugliness of the situation if he couldn't even admit that she would be taken before her time?
"I'm sorry." Robin's voice startled him. It came from directly behind him. He watched her tiny arms wrap around his stomach and placed his hands over them, feeling worse than a coward. He should have been comforting her, but he was out of his element here. No matter what was decided, it would hurt her.
Maybe she had become too jaded to believe that she would be okay. Science said that she should have died six months after being diagnosed. Time and medical marvels had been made since then, but the odds of there being a cure in their lifetime was very unlikely. Still, she understood how hard it must have been for Patrick to accept, because he had only loved her for a little while. She had had eight years to come to terms with it and Patrick, being the man he was, wanted to fix everything that was broken. She wanted to tell him that he had done so much good where she was concerned, where his family and friends were concerned, but he probably wouldn't have believed her.
"It was unfair of me." Robin told herself that as long as she held him tightly, he wouldn't be able to fade away from her. "I thought you understood."
"Understanding your condition is fatal is one thing," Patrick managed in a fragile tone. No amount of research would ever convince him that she was doomed to die at a very young age. She had beat the odds for eight years and his own fear drove him to believe that she could do anything just as long as he never gave up on her. What she was asking of him was impossible.
"You can't will me not to die." Robin assured him.
"Yes I can. I have. You've always come back to me."
"Then what is so difficult about believing that this will be no different?"
"The risk isn't worth the cost."
"This baby is a part of me. It's a part of you too." Robin's arms slackened; she tried to pull her hands out of his grasp, but he held strong. "Please don't ask me to give up on it."
"Then don't ask me to give up on you." Patrick countered brusquely. "This baby's worth is not lost on me, okay? I've watched you struggle with what Dr. Lansing told you the first time around. I can't think of anyone who deserves a baby more than you, Robin."
Robin could hear the confliction in his voice, but could find no comfort in it. This was all she had ever wanted to share with him—her heart, her life, her baby—but who said he actually wanted any of it? It would take nothing short of a miracle to convince him that this was a good thing. "All I know," she began, "Is that from the moment he told us about this baby, I've known that it would be selfish of me to deny it life."
"You're the least selfish person I know." Patrick squeezed his eyes shut. "I am the selfish one and I'm not going to apologize for it. I'm not going to apologize for wanting you with me always."
"Don't you see? I will be. No matter what happens, I'll always be with you." It was Patrick's turn to pull away from her and she let him. He turned his back to her again and she watched him stab his fingers through his unkempt hair. She couldn't force him to agree with her; he would have to come to a solution on his own.
"My mother said the same thing." Patrick's words were barely audible.
"This is different." Robin swore.
"How?" Patrick spun around to face her with fury in his eyes. "How is this any different? I couldn't save her, but I'll be damned if I say the same thing about you."
"This is out of our hands now." Robin whispered.
"No. Unlike my mother, we have a choice." Patrick watched his words bring tears to her eyes.
"What choice do I have?"
"The choice to live. You have the choice to live for Morgan, for yourself…for me."
"How can I tell Morgan that I thought my life was more important than that of his little brother or sister?"
"Simple. You don't tell him."
"I wish you would try to see where I'm coming from."
"I never will." Patrick bit out. "I will never see what you're doing as the ultimate sacrifice." That said, he took her hands and pulled her close enough to hold her. She fought his arms when they wound around her, but he wouldn't be deterred. His hand on her neck, he enveloped her in his embrace. "All I want is you."
Robin shook so violently in his arms she almost couldn't get the words out. "I love you Patrick, but please don't ask me to choose."
"That's exactly what I'm asking you to do. Be a mother to Morgan and let him find comfort in the fact that he's enough for you."
Robin kicked out her feet in resistance, but even the blows she delivered to his shins didn't wound him enough to want to let her go. "No one loves him more than I do."
"You have a funny way of showing it. The doctor tells you that a baby is a very unrealistic idea, so you start actually letting yourself love your son without fear. Do you know how much that little boy needs you? Do you even care?"
"Choosing to have this baby doesn't mean I love Morgan any less."
"And choosing to die? How does Morgan factor into that decision?"
For a long time, nothing was said. What could either of them say to soothe the other anyway? Life was at the center of the argument, life and what it meant for each of them. Did it make Patrick selfish for wanting Robin to accept the life she had now without wanting more? Was it irrational for Robin to put it all on the line with the very real possibility of having nothing to show for it in the end? The problem with both questions was that there was no right answer. If Robin terminated the pregnancy, she would always feel like something was missing from her life. If Patrick saw the pregnancy as a positive thing, he was admitting that it was okay to lose Robin and the very child she carried.
"I'm not oblivious to how my decision affects our lives, I promise you I'm not. All I know is that I love you, and I can't snuff out the life we've created." Patrick could hear the tears in her voice, feel them soaking into his white pullover.
"You should get some sleep," Patrick answered flatly. "Come on. It's not good for you or the baby to be under this kind of stress."
Robin walked out of his arms and headed up the stairs never looking back. She could feel his eyes on her and wanted so badly to put an end to this argument and give into what he wanted her to do. The only thing stopping her was that she wouldn't have been able to live with herself if she went through with the abortion. She would do what Elizabeth had suggested and hear a second opinion. She owed that to Patrick and to Morgan and to herself. Patrick's hand on her back at least proved she wasn't in this alone.