CHAPTER THREE || fragile
"Hathaway! There you are!" Jesse runs to catch up to me. He walks backwards in front of me. I resist the lovely temptation to push him over and give him a pissed off smile.
"Lovely nose, Jesse. Come to thank me? I've been waiting weeks. Where are your manners?"
His nose is crooked slightly- although some would argue it gave him a 'hard' look, I think it just made him look even more of an annoying idiot. I inwardly smile, proud of my punch.
"Ha-ha, you're so pathetic, Hathaway." He starts mimicking my voice in a cringe-worthy high pitched tone. "I'm so empty, Dimitri! Fill me with your-"
"Shut up, Zeklos." I bite. "Don't make me punch you again. You know I will."
"Finally!" He shouts, seeming victorious. Throwing his hands in the air, he gives me another smirk. "A reaction from Hathaway! Not empty anymore? I know a few guys that would willingly fill you up!" He winks at me and I swallow the bile rising in my throat.
"You're disgusting." I cringe away from him. "Get out of my way."
"No, I like it here, actually." He stands so close to me, our chests are almost touching.
"Really?" I whack him quickly in the gut, making him gasp long enough for me to make an escape. "Goodbye, Zeklos."
"See you later!" His voice is strained from the hit, which gives me slight comfort- but I know he will come back to annoy me. He always does.
"Hey, Liss. Sorry I wasn't there at lunch. I had some more extra training to do. I'll see you in the morning. Love you." After I lie to Lissa about my disappearances, I put my phone down on my bed and walk into the bathroom. I press my hand on the cold glass and look in the mirror.
I look different. I feel different. I recognize myself as a stranger.
Who are you?
Not Rosemary Hathaway, kick ass guardian. But just Rose. Weak, emotional, freak, murderer. I killed Mason. It should have been me instead of him, he didn't deserve it.
He died three weeks ago now, and the time between then has been nothing short of mechanics. I wake up, get ready, train, work, and sleep. My relationships with my friends are becoming strangely forced, but I can't find it in me to try and connect with them.
Lissa is with Christian. She's happy. Eddie is busy becoming the best guardian possible, better than me. And then there's Dimitri. Our relationship has becoming completely static. Frozen and robotic. Soon enough we will begin talking about the weather. Even our kicks and punches together when training are less of a dance and more of constructed clockwork.
My eyes in the mirror look empty. My whole expression is just… blank. I try to smile at myself, but it looks too weird.
I feel the urge to smash the mirror with my fist and before I can laugh about how ridiculous that would be there is glass flying against my face. I wince and shake my suddenly blooded hand, staring at the pieces of the mirror that are now embedded in my skin.
I laugh, manic and loud. I feel like a character straight out of a bad Hollywood movie- smashing the mirror because her life is 'oh so hard'. The thought makes me laugh louder.
I bite my lip, wondering if anyone had heard it, but when nobody comes rushing into the dorm I manage to relax.
The floor is covered in broken pieces, but cleaning up can wait. I sit myself down in the middle of the mess, crossing my legs like an innocent child. I feel the glass sticking to me like glue.
My leg looks so clean against the chaos and for a moment I wonder what it would be like to take a jagged piece of mirror and drag it across my ankle. I remember how Lissa felt using her razors, the control and relief and adrenaline that she felt.
It's a stupid thought. Irresponsible and selfish, but I can't help it. I'm curious.
The broken piece of glass feels foreign in my hands; too light for something that came from such destruction. I press it against my skin and for a moment the bite of the edge distracts all the thoughts and memories in my mind. It's weird and different, but I can't go back now- I have to know what it feels like. It made Liss feel better, so maybe it would make me feel better.
It aches and stings as I push it through caught skin, but my face is completely calm. It hurts, but it feels… not bad. It's not like a training accident or a scratch from falling over- if anything, it feels new.
I feel unusual and guilty, so I stop. I carefully place the mirror away from me, wiping the blood drops away on my leg with my hand. Strangely, I feel completely at peace, even though I'm surrounded by broken glass with a bloody leg and hand.
Cleaning up the bathroom, I use a dustpan and brush to shove everything in the bin. The place where the mirror used to be is now just a brown piece of board. I roll my eyes and make a mental note to buy a new one.
I take a few minutes to fix up my hand. While using a pair of tweezers to take out any glass, I think of how I'm going to explain it without the excuse of me hitting somebody. I rub some antiseptic on my leg and over my knuckles, ignoring the burn as I find some plasters.
Since it's freezing outside, I'll just wear some gloves with my usual hoodie and jeans. It should heal in no time- I've had enough punching incidents to know that for certain.
As I'm lying in bed that night, I try not to think of what I've done. However, for the first time in a long time, I don't even consider Mason or Dimitri or Liss in my thoughts.
It feels selfishly good to think of myself one hundred percent. I can't say at all that I dislike the feeling.
A/N Sorry this chapter is shorter than the others, but I haven't had much time to write tonight. I've had a really bad day and just urgh. However, your reviews cheered me up a lot; so I majorly thank you all. :') I especially thank Misunderstooddhampir for your really supportive reviews. They really made me happy, and I'm so glad that you like the story. I can't even express my thanks, I'm just sdfghjkrbhjbfv. :D Thank you! xx
This chapter was really hard for me to write. I'll just leave it at that.
If any of you ever need somebody to talk to, please message me. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF SENDING ME A PM. If you are scared of speaking to me directly, my tumblr name is taintedhonesty - you can send me an anonymous message on there if you would prefer. If you want advice or anything at all, I'm always here and I always try and reply as soon as possible. If you are even thinking about self harming, do not do it. Don't you freaking dare. You are beautiful and I love you.
Remember, you are strong, and you can get through whatever you are going through- you just need to fight. It will get easier one day; never forget that.