CHAPTER FIVE || fragile

As I'm walking with Lissa after last lesson, I'm barely paying attention. I keep a smile on my face and look forwards, zoning out to what she is saying. My mind is stuck on the nightmares that refuse to leave me alone.

I crave sleep. You never realise how much you need it until you're practically begging for a few minutes of rest. My feet are almost shuffling across the floor, my eyes squinting against my will. A heavy cloak lies over my head, dragging me under, smothering me with exhaustion. My heart beats unsteadily in my chest.

Mason was there again in my dream. He kills me over and over, wanting me to feel the same pain of betrayal he now suffers with. I killed him. He died just over a month ago, but his presence in my nightmares feels as real as if he was standing right next to me.

Training with Dimitri has been torture. It's getting worse, trying to hide the fact that I'm pretty much dead on my feet. Each kick and punch feels like I'm underwater- forcing my way through with clumsy movements. I get ringing in my ears, the taste of blood at the back of my throat, but I still continue fighting. Dimitri doesn't notice.

Dimitri has begun to push me again, like our conversation finally got to him. He knows that I don't want to feel weak, he understands. He has started training me like he did when I first arrived at the academy. I can't say I enjoy it, because I'm as tired as hell, but I know it's important. This training will save Liss' life over and over again. It's worth it.

I know Dimitri is worried about me- I am not too blind to see the look in his eye when I falter on an easy exercise. However, if he knows I am tired, he hasn't mentioned it. He's always kind to me, as he always has been, but I try to ignore it.

Falling harder for Dimitri is too dangerous- I had the memory of him not kissing me back to remind me. The moments where we kissed are to be forgotten. I will not do something so idiotic ever again.

Besides, I don't deserve his kindness. I keep telling myself this, determined not to forget it. I will just end up hurting him, just like I hurt Mason.

I quickly zone back into what Lissa is saying, just in case she's expecting me to reply. I push all thoughts of Dimitri and Mason out of my head- or as far as they allow themselves to be pushed out, which isn't very distant.

"And he was just so adorable when he gave it to me! I love him, Rose. He's the one!" I look back to Lissa and she excitedly shows me the necklace her boyfriend must have given to her. It's a simple heart, with a crystal the colour of fire.

"I'm impressed with fire boy." I laugh lightly, hoping she hasn't noticed my little absence. Liss lifts the heart from her neck to show me closer, and I hold it gently in my hand. "It's beautiful."

Liss nods enthusiastically and I let the chain fall back to her chest. She stares at it lovingly and I'm really glad that Christian is treating her like she deserves. "I've got to go help out at the clinic," she tells me. "I'm going to try and start healing actual people."

I roll my eyes at her working spirit and tell her to be careful. She knows the results of the darkness, but I suppose she isn't worried anymore now that she knows I can take it away and keep her safe. It's the least I can do for her. After all, she did bring me back from the dead.

She grabs my hand and we entwine our fingers together. I miss my best friend, I realise. I just hate how things have changed between us… Well, I've changed. Lissa is still the same charming, beautiful women she has always been. And I'm just becoming more and more… different.

"Are you excited for the field training?" She grins as I nod. We both know I'll get her for my Moroi since I'll be guarding her my whole life. I probably won't even have to stay with her the whole time- the bond will just tell me if she's in danger and I can run to meet her. The assembly is tonight- the one where we get our Guardian packages, filled with information about the person we are protecting. I won't even have to look at mine; I probably know more about Lissa than she even knows about herself. The actual field training starts in a few days - guardians are going to be dressing as Strogoi and we have to 'stake' them off and protect whoever we are guarding. The whole thing lasts six weeks and most dhampirs view the whole experience as a free pass from lessons.

We walk to the clinic together and I quickly say goodbye, needing to get ready for the assembly that begins in an hour. When I get back to my room, I take a long shower, letting the hot water relax my muscles until it begins to run cold. I wrap a warm towel round my body and brush my hair, letting it dry naturally. I am staring in the mirror again, but the shower has done nothing to put colour or life in my cheeks.

When there's a knock on my door, I awkwardly wrap myself up tighter, and open it to reveal Dimitri. I immediately blush, feeling self conscious as his eyes drag up my body. He smiles tightly and I can't help the inside squeal I do as I realize I'm affecting him as he usually affects me. Like what you see? I think about saying the words, but it's pointless considering our relationship is strictly friends at the moment. However, I can't help thinking about the feel of his lips on mine, and the way his strong hands felt as they brushed down the sides of my body. I blush harder.

"I was wondering if you would like to walk together to the assembly." Dimitri tells me, his voice husky. "I can give you more time to get ready."

Without thinking, I stammer out the first thing in my head. "Sure, come in and I'll be ready in a moment." My red cheeks burn as the embarrassment rushes through me and I see Dimitri stifle a smile. To my surprise, he walks past me into the room- giving it the usual Guardian survey.

My whole body now burning, I close the door and rush into the bathroom; throwing some skinny jeans and a tank top on over my underwear. Before I leave, I see that the outline of my bra is clearly showing, so I pull on a cute cardigan I must have borrowed from Lissa. I darkly laugh to myself- how much I have changed. A month ago, I would have let my bra show, wanting to look as attractive as possible- but now it's like I just want to hide.

Dimitri smiles at me when I come out the bathroom, placing a photo frame back on my bedside cabinet. It's the one of me and Lissa dressed as fairies on Halloween. Feelings of melancholy make me sadly smile, missing the days of me and Liss on the run. The only worry we had was getting caught- we could do anything we wanted. I was happy, alive. Now it's just the complete tragic opposite.

We walk together to the hall, nervousness beginning to creep its way up my spine. "What if I don't get Lissa as my Moroi? What if I get Jesse or someone?"

Dimitri doesn't say anything, which just makes me more anxious.

"Do you know who we get?" I ask slyly, his silence worrying me. What if he does know? His silence would mean that I don't have Liss… "Oh God, you can't be serious."

Dimitri lets out a long breath, as if my words hurt him somehow. "Everything will be fine." He tells me.

"What if this affects who I really get assigned to in the future? What if I screw up really badly? I don't know how to work with anyone else…" I imagine being assigned to Jesse- his annoying smirk when he realizes that instead of fighting with him I would have to protect him. I would have to follow him everywhere. The thought makes me shudder.

"Don't worry. You're the best novice here." Praise from Dimitri was usually my favourite thing about him- normally my eyes would sting with pride. But, once again, I feel nothing- just anxiety.

"Thanks." I mumble bitterly.

Dimitri suddenly stops in his tracks and faces me- his eyes filled with shock. "Rose…" I know he's going to ask me what's wrong, once again.

"Don't… I can't." I sigh and walk off- hating the way Dimitri always makes me feel like telling the truth.

I take my seat, next to Eddie. He gives me a reassuring smile that I can't return. "Who do you think you're going to get?" I ask him.

He lets out a shaky breath- he seems as nervous as me. "I hope someone good. I don't really mind, but… this is just so weird. We've been waiting for this experience for years and now that it's here I want to rewind back to the start of training. I don't feel ready."

"You're the readiest person here." I tell him. He was the best fighter- determined and strong. Losing Mason has changed him just has it changed me. His control and power is insanely impressive. It's sad though; knowing the reasons why he is like this. He knows what it's like to lose the most important person to you. He looks at me and places his hand on mine in thanks.

"You're really lucky- you're pretty much already signed off to Liss."

I shake my head- the worry almost shooting to a crippling level. "Dimitri pretty much told me otherwise."

Eddie gives me a questioning look, but before he can ask, the guardian at the front of the room begins to speak.

Time seems to freeze as the names are called out. Every novice gets up and takes their Moroi folder; filled with information that they need. Some are frowning, disappointment evident on their faces. Others, however, are almost singing out in joy. It saddens me to know that I will not be a part of the latter.

"Rosemary Hathaway with Christian Ozera."

My body tenses as he says my name, but I'm crazily glad that I haven't got some jerk royal as my Moroi. I rethink that. Christian is a jerk royal, but we have come to friendlier terms since we saved each other's lives back in Spokane.

The thought of Spokane makes me almost falter in my steps as I walk up to collect my folder. Mason should be here. He's been waiting years for this moment; always calling field experience the best part of our training. I bury back all the resurfacing feelings; trying to go back to my state of numbness.

I take the information and shake the guardian's hand, going back to my seat. I see Liss give me a worried and questioning glace from the audience, so I give her a quick shrug.

The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. At the end, Lissa gave me a hug, feeling guilty for getting assigned to Eddie- even though she had no choice in the matter.

Christian laughs. "I know how much you love spending time with me, Hathaway." I roll my eyes, wanting nothing more than to go and mope in my bedroom. I tell the others that I'll walk back in a while and I stay sitting in the hall until everyone is gone.

I'm about to leave when Dimitri sits down beside me.

"Are you okay?"

I shrug, tired of lying to everyone. "I don't know."

Before Dimitri has even the chance to talk, I excuse myself, telling him I'm tired.

I'm wandering back to my room when it happens.

A light silhouette comes out from between the trees. I squint to see who it is, knowing it's the same person I saw briefly the other night.

They have exactly the same shape as him- even the hair looks the same.

I stop breathing, thinking, moving, feeling.

One word, a broken gasp, escapes my lips.

"Mason?"

A/N I'm uploading this quickly, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. I don't think I'll be able to upload tomorrow, but I will definitely be back on Monday. Thank you for your amazing reviews once again. I love you all so much. :') This chapter may seem a bit ejhgfvhbrekjgrwj, but don't worry, things get overly dramatic in the upcoming chapters. )

I can't even begin to explain how happy your reviews make me... :')